Needing to vent: Our parents are like children.

I am a male 54 years of age and been taking care of my dad and mom since 2005. I feel all of your pain in seeing our parents going down slowly . My parents are 87 and 85 , dad with dementia and Parkinson's and mom with Nerapathy and heart problems and arthritis through her whole body. All I can say is, it is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life . I gave up my job and home out of state to move to Florida and take care of them . So my family and I packed up and here we are 4 years later and nothing. But you know , I have my parents and they can't be replaced and that's what keeps me going, as well as my kids and partner. We are all in this together and know it is a day to day experience. Those of you like myself with no job and doing 24/7 care for our loved ones are gods gifts, I feel . I guess we were the ones chosen. ( By the way, I'm not religious but do pray alot lately ) I have family that says they will help[ , but doesn't . Does that sound familiar? Well, all of you out there that are caregivers for a family member know that you are being watched over and will be paid back for your overwhelming kindness and dedication. Keep your chin up and we're all in this together

Neon, perhaps she knows a good thing when she sees it. Beggars can't be choosers. You're an angel to do it. Blessings to you both. Welcome Wheat

Does this site still have people responding. I see the latest dates are from 2008

Yes, we respond continuously. Some of the threads may have started back a ways, but many are still viable sites. Nice to meet you, Kathleen. Welcome :)

Hi Wheat, Welcome. Yes it all sounds familiar. Please keep checking back. At least you'll know you have people who really do understand.

Take Care,
Carol

Hi Kathleen,
This is a very active thread. There are responses nearly every day, so please do keep coming back. Maybe your computer just pulled up some old responses. Also, feel free to start your own thread.

Take care,
Carol

Hi everyone..I'm new here and in desperate need to see what everyone is writing, as I can relate so well to all of what your saying. I am caregiver as well and am taking care of my 94 yr old mother. Sometimes I feel so frustrated and helpless. I'm the only child and there is no one else in the family but me. So all the responsibility lies with me. She refuses to cooperate on the most important issues like wearing protective panties, so there are messes to clean up as well as being hungry all the time and going into the kitchen to eat whatever is handy. One time she had the cat and dog food and I found out she had been eating some of it..Of course there are awful messes to clean up from her forays in the kitchen..I love her but sometimes I positively can't stand her..There is so much more with attitudes. I feel I can't breathe, like the life is being drained from me. I have COPD which exacerbates the problem. I keep on trucking though because I'm all she has and I am doing my best to keep her home.
Well that's enough for now, I'll save the rest for later. LOL

I read somewhere that in most all other countries family takes care of their elders. Howcome we never hear about how they manage to deal with it? I can't seeem to find a web sight for insight.

Am I just a complainer hiding behind humor??? That's it!!!! I'm nuts!!! Where's my Prozak???

Shar

Hi everyone, I have been too busy to post for the past week or more. I'm sure you can imagine why. Many things going on. Today, is probably the day my grandson will be born. Daughter has been having pains for 3 weeks. Today, more clues to delivery time. I'm so excited. Had the most challenging weekend. We had a major snow storm, lost power for three days. And I'm going to vent here, because I haven't done so for awhile. Right after we lost power, guess who decided to have a major shitfest all over the bedroom? You guessed it! And guess who had to clean it? Right again! I really thought I was going to lose it over the weekend. I am on well and septic, and those of you who are, can guess the consequences. We have a generator, but not powerful enough to run a well, refrigerator, and heating system all at once. We were fully prepared to have no power for 1-2 days at most, but not for three days with a bowel and urine incontinent person for that length of time. Also, I had a house full of family, total of nine persons. I was boiling water all day, just to make flushes. I guess I was blessed that we had snow to melt. Do any of you know how much snow, and time it takes to melt snow enough for just one flush alone? Give me some guesses, and I will see how close you come to the right answer. It's a good thing I can now LOL at all this, now that it is over. I am still trying to catch up on all laundry. I had to unfortunately throw away the nice sheet set, and mattress pad that used to be my daughter's since dad ruined it. I know what you all are going to say. Why don't you use those waterproof bed pads? I did! In fact I had three on the bed one under each mattress pad, and one just under the bottom sheet. Two mattress pads because I was washing mattress pads along with sheets everyday. I thought this would prevent extra laundry. Instead of asking me for help, and telling me about the problem, he decided he would cover it up with the bedding. It was like walking into a nightmare. He had gone through all the pads, one mattress pad, and bottom sheet, and decided to cover it all up with the remaining bedding. Mind you, I have no washer or dryer for three days. I had to end up throwing away one mattress pad, one bottom, and one top sheet. At least it didn't get onto the rest of the bedding. I pulled the covers back to a nightmare! He left dirty diaper and all in a pile just to spread around. He even managed to get it on the carpeting which when he is gone will have to be replaced. And to top this all off, he decides he is going to clean it up, only making it worse! Everytime I told him to stop he wouldn't. Then to really top it off, I told him to clean himself up with baby wipes. He told me it wouldn't do any good. I said at least wipe your ass off with the wipes, he got mad at me and refused to. This is how he was, for the next two days. If we had not been in the middle of this storm, I would have had the paddy wagon take him for the weekend. Sorry for this long vent, but I have been holding it all in for a long time, and had to explode without exploding into him. And of course, everything that goes wrong with him is all my fault! I'm sorry to offend anyone, but I am so sick of everyone telling me, "He can't help it", "He doesn't know what he is doing", "Don't take it personal". I already know all this! But why can't I get it through my blockhead? Maybe it's because he hides his deficiencies still, and comes off like he can do everything for himself, and I keep discovering that he is much worse than I had thought. Or that some days, he can be clear headed and remember to do things, and others not. This disease can be so deceiving. God give me the strength to cope and be compassionate. God bless all you caregivers! Hugs, and Love to you all. Nauseated

Hi Nause,
What a nightmare! Everything compounded by that horrible power outage.

Toward the end you mention the change factor. That is not unusual, but it is frustrating, because about when you think they CAN help it, they have a day when it's obvious that there's no logic in their thought. You have a bit more than anyone should have to handle.

It's great to know a new life will enter your world.

Take care,
Carol

Hi Naus, I have missed you! What a mess, I can certainly understand that I took care of my MIL and she had alzheimers and she would do the same thing every day in the bathroom at least with no carpet but I used to think she pooped and spinned at the same time it was everywhere, showercurtain, sink, floor , toilet behind the toilet places you wouldn't even think it could be at first I thought she did it on purpose than learned that some of her meds, she was also a diabetic made her have loose bowels all the time but I still don't know how she got it everywhere. My heart goes out to you especially with power outage. Now as for how much snow does it take to flush a toilet it takes alot I would say about 6 large pot fulls well you melt it down and keep adding snow thats how we used to do it when I was a kid but there were times when we didn't have to do that because we didn't have indoor plumbing when I was growing up. You can read some back posts to know what has been going on with me and mom. I am taking her shopping she has said she will help out now with some groceries tonight we will know what her idea of groceries are I suggested some meats and canned goods knowing her it will be potted meat thats meat and a canned good right? LOl

Glad you are almost back to "normal" I understand the mood swings and the clarity and nonclarity very much could he also be having mini strokes, my mother in law did and there were a few days I almost lost my mind

Take care and good to hear from you Neon

Hi all-I loved Naus' comments-that's also why I love this site--it's not out to sugar coat everything. I feel the same way when I hear "it's not his fault". Although I know it's the disease, that's the LAST thing I want to hear sometimes. Things have been petty decent, but came home to a relapse this morning. My daughter tries her best to keep an eye on him at night when I work (she's 23) but things still get by her. Came home to a pissed bed (that hasn't happened in awhile) diaper on the floor, mess in the kitchen--he now has to use "thick it" in a lot of suff so it's a gooey mess--He went into the kitchen and spilled it all over the floor--the cats had walked through it all night (of course) and there were sticky prints everywhere-AND one of them had puked (probably lapping up this mess). Of course, more obscene words than were ever spoken by the roughest sailor came out of my mouth....
Speaking of weather-the direct opposite were I live. It was 102 degrees on Monday and Tuesday so I fired up the swamp cooler...my dad immediately comes out of his room, sits right in front of it and starts bitching that he's cold....luckily it's cooled down again today. It's going to be a horrible Summer--not looking forward to this house cooking up and having him complain everytime the cooler is on (try keeping your temper when it's 117). Oh well, I had a couple of decent weeks. I hope this behavior isn't back already. I know it very well might be--best to all-

When i'm down in the dumps, i just log on, knowing that i'm not along makes me feel better. LOL

Amen BGB! Beyondfrustrated, you are right, there is always a calm before the storm. Nice talking to you all, and reading your stories makes me feel better. Have a great day all of you. Neon, so glad to have you back!

Well yall I know I haven't posted in awhile but yesterday was a nightmare for me as well as scared me also. My mother in law had 4 teeth pulled the day before okayed by doctor cause I called him just to make sure and to CYA because I knew if anything happen the family would be all over it. Well Yesterday something did happen MIL had a seizure omg I was so scared because I just knew I was going to loose her. Dixie my dog stayed right with her and so did I. Dixie just kept licking her arm and trying to stay close to her. She was amazing. The seizure only lasted a couple of minutes and she slept for a few more minutes and was out of it. She looked and Dixie and called her name. I was so proud of that little dog. She was a lifesaver. While all this was happening I called 911 to get ambulance the dispatcher was wonderful. I then called my husband and he came straight home not to far behind ambulance so we got to the hospital. My venting is what happened next. But let me back up a second I check MIL response her movement to make sure she hadnt had a stroke and she confirmed what I knew had happen it was just a seizure. Now back to the hospital. The doctor on duty I knew him for many years I couldnt have asked for a better dr on duty. I had her med, her diagnosis the whole nine yards. He said do you want this chart I think you can fill it out better than I can. lol He was real please with all imfo I gave him. He ran all test that needed to be done. It was a very good experience for MIL and me in the ER. He made us both very comfortable and at ease. Well while we were on our way to the hospital My husband decided he thinks to do the right thing He calls his brothers. The one with the wife that works at the hospital that thinks she knows everything and the other one he could reach. I did and talk with his wife which was a very good response there. The one hubby got hold of was the nightmare. Needless to say Him and my husband decided they werent going to go to hospital they would wait till we called. Well the next thing we know him and know it all wife appeared. The son went back to see his mother and in a demanded tone said he wanted to talk with the dr and he wanted a cat scan done which the dr had already ordered. I said I will tell him you want to talk with him. While this brother was back there with me the know it all wife jumps down my hubby throat. I won't go into details but I was so glad he had to deal with her drama and not me. I stayed back there with MIL the whole time because I felt I should answer any question the nurses and dr had and to make sure her care and needs were met since she had eaten or taken her morning meds. I did step out and let the daughter in law go back for a few minutes and then went back again. Meanwhile I waited for test results and all. The son got tired of waiting says he tried to go back again and the Er wouldnt let him so he and know it all wife left without me knowing. Well I had the dr was going to talk with them and they left.
Needless to say hubby learned a lesson that I said all along when we tak her to ER don't call them until we know what's going on. Okay now friends tell me did I do anything wrong. Oh the most important thing MIL is fine it was a reaction to pain meds that she had taken she is fine she ate good and sleeping good. At least for now.

Bravo, Lazor, you're a hero and an angel!

Lazor you did a fine job, keep up the good work,

for the rest of us men included, if you are tired of going to walmart do something nice for you.

Go have a pedicure if you can afford one so relaxing, spring is everywhere take a camera and make some pictures of things blooming or things you like and have them framed put them in the room for your Care giver I used a old window and cut the pictures down to fit the windows so it looks like you are looking right out side, old buildins, new hay growing whatever do the same in the winter time change out the seasons something new to look at you get out and its a treat for every one I still love the pedicure I got a month ago ready for another one just as soon as I can scrape up the $$. have a great day

Thanks everyone for listening. It just makes it so hard when you have siblings that just want to be in control when its the public eye. But not do anything else but cause problems. I was so proud of hubby sticking up for me and telling no it all sister in law that his mom was what was important nothing she had to say was. She is a b@@@@ from hell. I didn't need her drama. Again thanks for listening. My heart goes out to all.Thanks Neon thanks Anne

One tired woman here
Susan

I hear you on the tired side of things, Susan. My heart goes out to you. Fatigue will wear you down, along with a few negative relatives and drama queens. Take care of you, and know you're in our prayers.

Neon, smile! You're on candid camera.

LOL Anne, I am smiling believe it or not! Did I get to do sumtin stupid so everyone could laugh? The weather here is gorgeous, looking forward to doing my housework and laundry tonight while Hubby is out on the road and tomorrow planting some trumpet vines and tidying up my front and back yards. Took mother out last night to shop she did real well and even kept her word wow so that makes me happy as long as she does that we will get along fine, the folks in my life don't realize it takes very little to make me happy, if they would just be thoughtful they would be treated like kings and queens. That s just who I am.

Susan yes listen to Anne get you some rest if you can even if its a few min here or there some of the stuff you have to do can wait. You need to be at least second on your list of things to do. Have a great one

I know but I have to wash things the IV they gave MIL is over flowing out lol. I just took a nice long hot shower and that helped. Im trying to do things slowly today but emotionally I wiped. I hate to admit it. So MIL and I are still in lounge wear going to be a halfway lazy day for us both. Notified all important dr of what happen waiting for one more response. Called a friend got venting relief there. Ill be ok. Just tired need my vitamins missed them yesterday that will perk me up to. lol
Gosh I even forgot to eat yesterday until last night. LOL BODY SHOCK. lol
Thank God for all of you listening and caring.

Hi there. I am new to this vent room. I have my 79 year old mother living with my husband and myself. She has been here 3 months. She lived in an assisted living facility for 4 years after my dad died. We are all still trying to get used to the idea of her being here and having things run smoothly. She can walk on her own most of the time but I help her to the bathroom and I shower her and get her dressed. I am with her 24/7 as I see lots of you are. How do you get away? How do you have time for yourself? I feel like I have nothing of my own and all I think about is what is going to make her happy. She is almost always very pleasant to be around. She can stay by herself for about an hour. I slip away once in a while but I feel guilty and always come home quickly.

Hi Kathy! Welcome! You are such a sweet daughter, and your mom is so lucky to have you. You are so sweet to think about what will make her happy. We can ALL relate here to what you are saying about having time to yourself. Do not feel guilty, your mom would not want you to. You are so lucky that she is still pleasant to be around, most of us here do not have that anymore. The only thing I think about lately, is what will make me happy. Having my life back, and family life back. The only time I get to myself is posting here, and I am still constantly interupted. I guess I am being selfish lately. Why is your mom living with you now? Was the assisted living facility not working out?

Lazor, you sweet thing, your Mil is so lucky, and you are so good with her. Get some much needed rest.

Angel Anne! How are you doing, and your mom?

Neon! Keep making us laugh. And I enjoy your warm stories very much.

Have a good weekend all! God bless you all!

Hello dear Naus. Nice to hear from you. Thank you. Blessings everyone, and welcome, Kathy! Time to self is a nice thing, but you're doing an angel's work right now. God bless you for that. We hear you, though. It can be tough, but there's many rewards in it, too. Will be praying for you and hope you can get some help.

Hey Naus Missed you but I guess you have been just as busy as us. No Kathy don't feel guilty you need all you can get when you can. Its a hard job but I truely believe that somewhere somehow it will all work out for the best. Still folding clothes. Mom has slept all day I hope it just recoup time for her. She has me really worried. Only as we speak one of her children call to check up on her. The two that created such a scene haven't bothered as of yet. OH well!!!!
Love thoughts and prayers for all of us.

Thank you all so much for responding. My mom was doing fine in the assisted living but it was 8 hours away from me and close to my 2 brothers. The boys did not give her the time she deserved from them. She only saw them about 2 times a month. It was also very expensive. When I lost my job last summer, it just seemed like a good time to bring her up to us. When I hear all about most of your days, it makes my life not seem all that bad. Most of the time I do not think she is very appreciative of what I have given up and what I do for her. My husband and I had a very happy life together and our 3 children were finally out of the house. Like I said, we are all getting used to our new situation. I need to find someone who can come and spend the night if we need to go away for a night. This has been rather hard for me to find out. I take her to the Senior Center 2 times a week for craft class and a crochet group. Sometimes I stay because it is very fun and my husband says that was not the purpose of taking her there. I try and keep her busy at home with games and excercise and walks. We also have a blog started so all of her kids and grandkids can keep up with what she is doing. That has been wonderful and everyone loves it. I take pictures of all the different things she does and I post them to the blog. I let her talk while I type when we update the blog. Thanks for listening.

I just want to say I love the idea of you doing a blog for her. It sounds like you both are enjoying yourselves. You certainly are making her life richer! Is it a private blog?

Mary

I'm blogging, too. It started out for Dad, who went out of his home and away from friends and family and regular activities due to the progression of his Alzheimer's Disease. Now in it's advanced stage, he can no long participate, or appreciate pictures of others, but they can follow him through the posts and pictures as well. And it's gone International, which is so amazing. Mom and Dad hosted 53 youth exchange students over the years, and I've located 19 so far. Many countries are chiming in, and following "Dad" along his journey. Occasionally I add posts about my Mom. She's still at home, and can talk on the phone, etc. But there's health crises times when she can't, and I let people know. It's been very cathartic for me, and a blessing to see so many gather around my folks. Ours is a private blog, because it is very personal in detail, and makes me feel rather vulnerable as I pour my heart out. I control the visitors, and if someone is negative or judgmental, they're gone. I can also write messages to family members and friends there, who probably wouldn't connect with a site like this. I like the anonymity of this site, as well, though it's probably not as anonymous as I think. But in all, I've met some wonderful people in the process, and learned so much from all of you. Thank you all so very much, because it has helped more than you realize.

Hello again. Thanks for all the responses. My moms blog is very positive. She tells me what to write and she can be very funny. She can also be very honest. She tells them she does not like some of my cooking and my dogs smell. But she does tell them that I treat her like a queen. My mom and I have not had the best relationship in the past and this is really good for me to finally have a better relationship with her. All of you sound like your parents are a lot more work than my mom and I cannot even imagine your days. Again, thanks for this site and I love reading all of your stories.

Bloging sounds great it is a great way to keep in touch.