Needing to vent: Our parents are like children.

Carol,

Do you think that some of the depression is almost grieving over who your parents once were? I found that I kept wanting them to be who they were. Once I accepted their changes, it seemed that some of my depression lifted. At the same time that I accepted their changes, I began to see my responsibilities different and was able to realize I could not be all things and sought more help.

Mary

I am a little frustrated and stressed. My Mom seems to be getting worse day by day. She ask like a baby and she's very demanding at times. Wants to know my every moves, where I am, etc. Now she says that she wants to die. I told her that she shouldn't talk like that, but if that's what she wants that there's nothing that I can do about it. Then she looks at me like I'm crazy for making such a statement.

It seems that nothing we do is every enough for her, and we're the only ones doing for her (me and my husband). My two sorry brothers don't do anything. She even called one of them to tell him to call her to wish her a Happy Mother's Day. How pathetic. But these are the ones that get the glory, and that's why I have to continue to do all unto God and not man because man will mess you up every time.

Me and my husband have a date night once a week, and she asks as if we need to be home with her 24/7 and I am not willing to do that. I feel that as long as she's being taken care of that's all that matters. I am not going to allow her to disrupt my family outings, etc. As we do need time to ourselves as well.

When she doesn't want to do something then she starts getting upset, and when I try to talk to her about being mobile she also gets upset. I believe that she's being extremely lazy and that she can do some things but just doesn't want to.

I am really frustrated with my Mom at this point.

mqflowers, I can identify, if it makes you feel any better I am going thru the same thing. Now my mother lives in her bedroom. she comes out only to go to the bathroom and fix herself something to eat and talk about Lazy she can walk just fine when we go to the store when she wants to go to the store, things she just doesn't want to do she just hands to me and says get this or do this. At home she walks like she's on eggs hold her back complain about pain just so she isn't asked to do anything. She now does her laundry on saturdays because she knows with me working full time that is the most convienent day for me to do laundry, she won't let the dogs out so I have to run home everyday on my 30 min lunch break to do this. Her room is still stacked with boxes and all kinds of crap and its been that way for a year when I say something its I've been so sick she's been sick since I was 6 and I am 60 now. The frustration is so great. No one seems to understand or care they do not realize the stress dealing with this 24/7 I am not a happy person and I miss myself as well. My husband is out on the road so when he comes in he doesn't want to go anywhere even tho I've all but begged him to spend time with me. I am a very lonely person so Ihave my pc which I would rather do than any of the things I used to do I don't even want to clean house anymore because my mother is such a pig. I always had a nice home but she has ruined the counter tops cabinets are all banged up its like she does this stuff on purpose. Yes, there are two other siblings just like yours. They don't like her but they are the bomb. So need to get my act together and no matter how tired I am after work I am going to do a room a night and go out on sat and sun and find people who enjoy doing the things I do I can't stand it any more and at this rate she is going to outlive me I am worked to death she is preserved. She goes on and on about the three pills she takes, I take 9 what does that tell you. I have thought about going to therapy but if I can't change the situation without her help which she thinks the situation is just honkey dorey because she has everything her way. I am so sorry I said I would let her live with me I thought we would finally have that mother daughter relationship. well it is never going to be so I don't care what she wants anymore and I don't care if she's happy and I don't care if she's taken care of I will do what is necessary and than live my life I have been taking care of my mother all my life, My grandmother, her mother used to say to me always take care of your mother, she must have known something I didn't but do now she isn't all there. She knows everything and knows nothing has no common sense, asks the stupidest questions and I don't care anymore if she gets upset she will get over it she doesn't care about my feelings one bit. and I do mean that literally, she doesn't even care if I eat when i had to come home from the hospital just made herself something to eat and flopped down right next to me and ate it and didn't even offer me a glass of water when I couldn't move around I do not like selfish people. well guess I rambled on enough but do no you are NOT ALONE.

You must take time out for yourself as no one else helps us. I thank God that I have my husband to assist or I'd be lost. Get out, find a church home, enjoy your life. As nothing we do for them will matter anyway, so therefore we just need to ensure that they have food, stay clean and have a roof over there head. God knows what we're dealing with and I believe that He knows that we're doing the best that we can do.

Please take time out for yourself and don't allow your mother to stop that. My Mom seems to get upset when me and my husband go out, but oh well. She'll just have to be upset. I am no longer going to let her get me upset.

Good advice, mq. Yes, she'll just have to be upset. Thank God for you supportive husband.

Carol

I have a husband. Supportive? When it suits him sometimes. I just keep getting reminded daily, of how this caregiver business has been keeping HIM from doing the things HE wants to do. I want to ask him, how many snowmobile trips he has taken with our daughters, and how many fishing trips he's taken with my daughter, son-in-law, etc. Then, I want to ask him how many things have I done? ZERO, ZIP, NADA, 0, -0-, however you write it, or say it

What the HELL just happened? 99.9% of my vent was just lost!!!!! This is so frustrating!! I'm not going to re-type it all. I'm so upset, this was such a good vent too. I just vented to myself, and that's it! UGHHHHH!!!!!

Don't ya just love it when that happens. It depends on how bad I have to vent but I got the gist of it, mine is the same way its how they are built. Everyonce in awhile mine blows up and I'm ready to walk never have its been 38 years he's always been there but I guess that's his way of venting. We are the closest thing to a venting machine. just don't get any candy or soda LOL Take it in stride girl ask him to find someone to sit with the person you are caring for and the two of you will go fishing. see how that works. Let him get some big strapping bouncer from the local pub to come in for a afternoon that should scare the Hell out of somebody. LOL

Naus, that is truly frustrating. I've had that happen, too. I'll let the tech people know. They are working on quite a few things. I find it's good to copy what I write before I submit, just in case, but this sounds like it happened while you were typing. I'll pass it on.
Carol

Thanks Carol, you're great! Neon! You are so funny! Thank you all for understanding our need to vent. It is so important, and to be able to vent here without being judged, is more helpful than yelling at our loved ones. Then we can get back to the business of caregiving, in a much better mood, and not take it out on those we love most. Love you All!

Yeah Naus when I get done with these two jobs I'm going to be the next Phyllis Diller instead of having killer I'll think of something I assure you glad tomake you laugh I try to do that all the time just not everyone either has a sense of humor or finds my humor sick or sarcastic or insensitive but what they don't realize is humor comes from pain, sometimes I just crack me up. and thats the truth!!

Thanks everyone for venting for me. I wish I had time, but I'm on a numb run... Kinda like a dead run, but I'm not dead. LOL Dad got into altercation with man at Nursing Home today, and Mom with a Social Worker, Physical Therapist and electric cart at the grocery store. Me, I'm the Fiesty Firstborn! See ya...great vents!!!

My father has been diagnosed with Primary Lung Cancer. 2 days ago he had surgery for his renal cancer. They wanted to boot him out w/o any pain meds or a catherter. Needless to say, when he peed thick blood & wailed they gave him pain meds & a catherter & kept him overnight for obs.

When I picked him up, the nurse said "I don't think he has Alzhemeir's he just can't hear.... but, she asked me to sign him out & read everyting... " Why do I have to put up with this. Finally, now that Chris is about to face lung cancer, some people have come over to help... never before just me... but, my cousin after 6 years of me doing this all alone is coming for 5 days... I guess to say goodbye.

Today my father went nuts, I had to put his Chihuahua in the vet so that I could prepare the house (cleaning & everything)... his dog bites everyone & pees & poops everywhere. Chris started wailing that I took his dog away and he has nothing to live for anymore. (I've only known my birthfather for these horrible 6 years). When he 1st got here his wailing was the same about his dead wife. I am now deep in debt & these doctors will not OK hospice because they say at 80, with one kidney, Alzhmerier's, COPD, bladder & ureter cancer, a stint, he can survive the Lung Surgery. So I am waiting until Tuesday when we have the consultation w/ the Thoracic Surgeon to see if Chris is well enough for the surgery & if he wants it. If not, I am going to finally get some help in hospice. In the meantime, I'm afraid his elder rage is getting so bad that he will stab me while I'm sleeping.... my health is really going down & I've lost my health insurance due to not being able to work. I have put my foot down about Pepe... he bites & he has to stay out of the house til I get it clean if hospice comes in... also, my nerves are on the very edge... thanks for letting me vent...

This is my first time on the site and I have found it to be helpful. I recently started to care for my mother full time and she used to be independent and now she don't want to do anything for herself. She refuses to go to a doctor she assumes she is dying from lung cancer because she had cancer a few years ago. I can't get her to eat all she will do is drink ensure. It is so hard watching your mom kill herself in front of you and my children. I promised I would never put her in a home but, it is so hard to watch this sometimes I feel like I'm losing it.
Sulynn

I am losing it... & the medical establishment is also contributing... I only have known this man for 6 years. He is my birthfather. I can sympathize with those who are taking care of people who took care of them. But, when he turns on me after many, many years of care & a family that he gave more to than he ever did me. And he professes to "love" me... and then screams at me... I finally told him I am afraid of him & I can't live in a situation that I am afraid in. He llived in Las Vegas & was a casino manager all his life... I met him 2x. Once I told him of being afraid of him today... (he had all kinds of guns in his house... I sold all of them)... he had put a gun to his wife's head when they were both plastered) he stopped his wailing about his Chihuahua & went in his room & I guess went to sleep....

I just can't believe that after all these years these doctors will not give me respite, hospice or home healthcare ... but, if he goes in for the surgery... they'll have to... he barely made it through the bladder surgery. I felt so bad for him & cried ever since I found out about his lung cancer... but, after today, when he turned on me... and then was very nice to my cousin, like nothing was happening... I think I realize that I have been taken for a fool by a lonely old man who wanted someone to care for him til he died... sad but true... manipulating & sad... I am a giver... I am an enabler... and this is going to stop... he will go into a home or I will get help soon ...

Hi Roxie. You have my heartfelt sympathies girlfriend. My parents moved in with my husband and I over 19 years ago. I witnessed my dad's decline, and death. Up until then my mother was vibrant, independent and alive. Since his death, she is a myriad of medical problems. I have given up a life outside of helping her. I can't work, but need the money, and my husband's business is suffering. My brothers live out of state and do nothing for me. My husband and I went to counseling because the stress was affecting our relationship and our therapist told us that my brothers should pay for us to go away one weekend every month, and pay for someone to come and stay with mom. I laughed at her, because that is the response I get from my brothers. I understand your sadness at watching the woman who raised you turn into a child that you now need to care for. All I can tell you is that you need an hour to yourself everyday. Go for a walk, telephone some old friends, read a book, or watch a TV program you enjoy. I also found that journaling helps. Sometimes writing your feelings down and expressing them on paper helps. Even if no one else hears or reads them. Look yourself in the mirror and realize that you are a wonderful daughter, and the love and the care that you are giving your mother will bring you memories and comfort long into your old age. Its tough, so when you need to - cry. I know my response is not timely, and almost a year late, but I hope you are still here, and reading the posts. If you ever need to talk to someone, let me know, and I will give you my email address. Hang in there, you are not alone.

Hello All, it has been awhile since i have been able to post... my father went into the VA nursing home last month and past away within three weeks of being there. Although I had last posted that I was done with the medical care being taken care by me alone... I just couldn't see my father being there they way he was by himself. I ended up going to visit two weeks everyother day and the last week they allowed me to basically move in and be with him until the end. Had lots of family issues during this time as usual everyone wanted to control me, but I stood my ground as I was angry that out of 7 children left, my father only had three visit him in his last days. Ironically one of the children didn't even read my update emails and happen to have scheduled time off to come see him. The other daughter of course found time due to the facility was down the street from her. i know I should be grateful they were there, but right now I am so angry with all of the family as they all dropped everything 3 years ago when we recieved the same new on my mother. My father was distant with all of us, but I still felt he did the best he could and quite frankly did a great job considering he didn't really have a father while he was growing up. Now my sister and I are at odds over her deciding she wants to get in on the assets my father left and still sit on her butt about what needs to be done. My heart goes out to all of you still in the caretaking situation as now that I am done, there is a relieve on one hand and then I really miss my dad. So, do take care of yourselves because one day when it is over you may find yourself missing the routine and the craziness of your loved one. I also wanted to thank everyone for your support and input, truely I do not know how I would have made it through without you all. My thoughts and prayers are with you all

Hey Breakdown09

Sorry to hear about your dad. I know in some ways it could be a relief that they are not suffering but, in the end they are still gone. It was like that with my dad but, he went fast and was a surprise. My mom is in a bad way right now I feel guilty sometimes because I get overwelmed and frustrated with the situation. I know she can't help it but, the more I try to help her the more she yells at me and is mean to my kids who are just trying to help her. This is a tough situation to be in but, with gods help I will make it through this.

Sulynn,
i will keep you in my prayers, one thing that happened when my dad went into his frustrated bouts and yelled at me that helped me, he stated rude comments and said he was going to fire me...LOL - I simply told him he could do that and no I did not have to do everything he wanted me to do when he was going to talk to me in that manner, I could take him to the nursing home if he preferred thier assistance. it didn't stop his frustrated attacks but it defused the immediate attack quickly. I don't know your situation with your mother, but I informed my dad curtly that he had a choice and I didn't have to be taking care of him, I was doing it becaused I loved him. Good luck...

Sulynn I had the same thing, my dad was ill, but we did not realize how bad he was. Then, he just deteriorated and within two weeks was gone. It was a shock. My mom has so many health issues, and tries to be independent. I try to help her, but sometimes she gets so nasty and says things that really hurt. And it crushes me because I am only trying to help her, and make things easier for her, and am the only one of her three children who cares about her (the others are boys, go figure!). I take it out on my husband. God bless him, he puts up with alot, more than my mother's own sons. But at the end of the day, I can say, I did my best, I am here for her, and I always be as long as she is here. When we look back, we will remember the good times, and the hurt will be gone. Hang in there.

Dear ladies, wow! My heart goes to you. Can relate, too.

Breakdown, so sorry about your Dad, and your loss. Thank you for your wise words of advice. I will use that ploy concerning reminding Mom (and myself) that when she's nasty to me, that "perhaps she'd prefer a Nursing Home," and that "I don't have to care for her." Thanks for that reminder. It might be a sanity saver, if I can remember the comeback when needed... Sure gonna miss you if you go away. But after Caregiving, I'm assuming there's..........life? I am praying you find some much needed and well-deserved rest. God be with you, Breakdown...

SacrificingDaughter, that "crushing feeling" is way so familiar! I swear Mom's Dementia, that she says she "doesn't have" makes me feel so sick to be around sometimes. It's oppressive and sometimes confusing. Moments she seems fine, and then the bottom drops out of everything. Thanks for speaking what I feel, because it validates I'm not alone, as it feels sometimes.

And Sulynn, God will help you. I can say that because he helps me, but it's easy to forget, and sometimes we feel alone when we forget to go to him. (I do, anyway.) I can relate to what you say "feeling like you're losing it." What an awful emotion to experience. When they say "hurting people hurt people," I think Demented people dement their Caregivers at times. Take care...God is there.

Praying for all of you! It's a bumpy path at times, with jagged turns, and steep inclines. We'll just keep lifting each other up, and praying for health, comfort and strength in the journey. God be with you!

Hope your day is going well. I'm up to eyeballs in paperwork and Mom's dementia. Thank God he provides the strength and help we need for each new day! I'm busier than a...person should be. How about you all? Hope you are taking care of yourselves.

Hello all-thought I'd "vent" a little. I never get any time to go on here and write much, but every little bit helps. Seems like I have two decent weeks with my father and then on week of hell--then the cycle begins again. Comment on "perhaps you'd like a nursing home better" It might sound bad, some of the things we need to say sometimes, but it's necessary. I said the same thing to my father recently, but in not so nice a way. He was driving me nuts, plus I just didn't feel well at all, so I asked my daughter if she would just please care for him for the day. Basically just make sure he's fed and he has his meds. He is no longer incontinent so that is a big relief. I thought perhaps switching the caregiving duties might get him off my back. Not so....he kept coming into my room and aggravating me until I blew up at him. Basically trying to manipulate me (as he always does). I told him to just leave me the hell alone for awhile. That made it worse and he started hollering that he was "in a prison" and not able to do what he wanted. I just ignored him--which doesn't work either. He then stated that I was starving my animals (which really pissed me off, as he knew it would) He then proceeds to grab a box of rice crispies which he then throws in the cats water bowl. By now I'm furious, and I tell him to go in is room and settle down. I then go into the family room to cool off myself and I see him come into the kitchen and start going through the drawers.He then grabs a knife and goes outside. Makes a huge scene outside and threatens to kill himself. I took the knife away and got him back into his room and told him "he had written his ticket, the fat lady has sang, that's it! You're going into a home!" A lot of yelling back and forth, but after it was all said and done (for now )things have been decent since. Of course, he tells me he had no intention of killing himself, which i'm sure is true. My father has ALWAYS been big on drama. If he doesn't get his way, he badgers and aggravates until he does, no matter what. I try to remember that he was, in fact, a good father to me and that is why I am doing this now. I try NOT to remember how controlling he was and how difficult he could be (1000 times worse now). Anyway, my little slice for now of what life is like. This site helps a lot in that I see that other caregivers feel the same way. Christ, we do all we can for them and it is never, NEVER enough sometimes. It doesn't matter when we have days that we feel like hell, they simply don't care. They are like spoiled children that always have to have their way, or a temper tantrum awaits. However, there are sometimes days where they actually talk about something positive and it makes us feel like guilty idiots, Again, there is no way to win regarding our emotions. We just have to take it one day at a time and keep reminding ourselves that we are doing the best that we can.

hello to all Yes, I know the feeling Anne, I am way to busy for one person and I see others who are not busy at all just eat sleep watch tv read and have it so hard it makes me sick. I am a bit depressed today can't rightly put my finger on it I think it started out with my work this morning someone asks me a question and people cut me off in mid sentence or yell into my office while I'm on the phone trying to troubleshoot a problem what I should be looking for so that kinda put me in a bad mood makes me just want to keep my mouth shut, I have 1 year 5 months and 2 weeks before I can retire, than i will find something to do in the line of painting if my body will allow it or something else I enjoy and make it a livlihood. sure won't be able to live off Social security and pension. not unless I get my bills paid off an they are worrisome as they are to most people.

Just had lunch with the little girl I mentor I only have two more weeks of that so than can slow down a bit and not rush around like a crazy person. the next thing will be school again in sept and in oct I will be giving a demonstration on flower arranging for a garden club one town over. that should be a fun thing but don't know what october will bring as don't even know what tomorrow will bring.l I jumped the gun on paying bills and had to call my bank thought a check was deposited yesterday and not until next wed. so will have to juggle this week add that to my many talents LOL.

Stay well my friends, I was very impressed with your posts Jerome, thank you.

sometimes we just need to get out of our own way!

They stagger to and fro and swat at what they do not know. Beyond! Get some help!!! Before someone gets hurt. Your Dad's crying out for help! They cause emotions in us they can't even begin to understand. When they become a danger to themselves, making threats, you need help. ER might be a good place to start! Really. Don't blow this off. Perhaps Dad has a UTI or some condition that can make him escalate, and should be treated. Or perhaps it's "just" Dementia. Sounds exactly like what we endured, until he got on the right meds. What am I saying? Dad had an "altercation" with someone yesterday! He's sweet and feeble one second, and hornet-like the next. Get some help. They never get better, only worse. If nothing else, get an evaluation and a blood test. Unless you like knife-wielding demented people in your neighborhood! Aaaahhhhhhh!!!!! Take care of you, Dad, and can the guilt. Get some help, fast!

Beyond, boy sometimes I look at the names and than read the posts and you guys sure do know how to pick good names I have no clue where neonwocky came from anyway Beyond I can identify with the drama and the niggling until they get what they want and than there are a few good days and you think Gee we made progress than it starts all over again. and you are right nothing is ever good enough so give up trying. I think if my mother ever went out in the yard well first that would put me on alert LOL but if she yielded a knife and said she was going to kill her self I'd say want some help I know that's not nice but its a thought told you I was looney, of course, I wouldn't let her just mouthing off, but with her you have to call her bluff and walk away thats the best way to take care of all that unnecessary drama with her. You would think she'd get enough of that crap with the young and the restless and the enquirer and nancy Grace Oh my those shows get on my nerves, like I said previously I like peace and quiet and educational shows something I an wrap my mind around and learn from not all that weeping and crying and nashing of teeth there be plenty of that in real life if we live long enough. I've had enough to last me a lifetime. Well time to get out of this chair and exercise my legs get a breathe of fresh air and than come back in things have slowed down just waiting on two people to respond to items I am working on and will be back to square one which is the way I like it geterdone.

Oh, believe me, Anne, I know. I didn't think about a UTI, but I did tell his doctor he was more "aggravated" than usual upon our last visit.I did not tell her about the incident--why, I don't know, I guess as sick as it sounds, I just gotten to the point that nothing much surprises me with him anymore, but on the other hand, I am still embarrassed to say anything when he acts nuts. She upped his medication, which has helped keep him mellow. Thing is, is that I have dealt with this for SO many years. Sometimes I need to write it down in a forum such as this, or discuss it with friends (as embarrassing as it may be) just to remind myself that this is NOT normal. My father has taken anti-anxiety medication for over 20 years. He has always had some mild/moderate mental issues which have now become magnified with the dementia. I know he used to drive my mother insane with his odd behavior. It's hard to explain--basically he's always been very nervous, paranoid etc. I always called him an amped up version of Barney Phife. I know this will eventually end with nursing home care because in-home caregivers will not deal with it (as it should be) He is typical of a very passive person, in that when he finally gets angry ,his wheels come off the cart (so to speak). Although he has never hurt anyone physically in his life, he still can be very upsetting to deal with.I think it is part of the reason I have become so fed up. If it was new behavior and I could blame it on the dementia, I would probably be more patient. However, I have dealt with his behavior for many. many years and have watched it escalate. Now that dementia is mixed in with the stew pot, it's of course, much worse. Most of the time, he's pretty mellow. My mother passed away over twenty years ago and I remember her being so frustrated with him back then. I know if she had lived, she would not be dealing with this. I often feel that I shouldn't be dealing with it either. It's awful when someone you love does crazy things and even more awful when you become used to it.

Neon, LOL Sounds like you're familiar with the drama. (Nancy Grace-ughh,can you say "self-righteous self-promotion?")
I remember someone posting that it's like dealing with a child again and to try to deal with it as such. Fine in some extent, but what two-year old do you know grabs a knife to end a temper tantrum? Dealing with a child was MUCH easier--you could get their minds off of things with a little fingerpainting or cartoon viewing-- without them repeatedly screaming about someone who wronged them 102 years ago (OK- well, maybe 50 years ago)

Yes it is much harder than dealing with a child as a child has no past and if there is one thing that gets on my nerves more than anything is hearing the same story I've already heard since I was 6 over and over and over again. I have banned those in my house especially the ones about my grandmother, My mother never could get along with her mother in law they lived with my grandmother way before I was old enough to have my own place than I became my grandmother, neither one of my parents knew how to take care of themselves they relied on my grandmother because my mothers parents refused they would buy us kids clothes at christmas that was about it and I remember a few times they brought us groceries but my fathers mother was always bringing us groceries or shoes or something anyway my mother hated my grandmother, I on the other hand loved her to death. I don't want to hear about your sick relationship with my grandmother I now know why they didn't get along my mother is lazy she is the laziest person besides my father who passed two years ago next wed. I just told my sister with all the board they charged us at that time 35.00 a week each plus we did all the cooking and house work and now my mother tells me how she was such a wonderful mother/cook this and that I just want to stick my finger down my throat and throw up the only reason I don't is I'll have to clean it up. Well my mother colors and blows bubbles so maybe cartoons might work, she likes movies about little dogs to so I really think she is going backwards in her dementia and if that be the case hey I can buy toys she don't like nothing else I buy except ice cream candy and cookies so lets go with some toys Oh I know how about a kite you know what they say about them go fly a but then she would have to go outside and someone would see her oh gee what was I thinking. we have a nice screened in porch bought her a nice swing cute little table and chairs I planted all kinds of pretty flowers she won't sit out there there is something wrong its too hot too cold too dirty too something pick one yeah Nancy Grace she jumps on everyone grinds a subject into the ground and is rude rude rude and thinks she is so self righteous and I just love it when someone calls in and says Oh nancy we just love you Where are these people coming from get a life, find somebody to care for and you won't have so much time to sensationalize someone elses life. I am sure they love being under a microscope. take care I'll look for the next post.

Boy, thanks for the warning about Nancy Grace! Makes me glad I don't watch TV. Bubble sound nice. Wonder if Dad's Nursing Home residents would like them?