Needing to vent: Our parents are like children.

Jerome,
I did not know that blood pressure meds make them pee more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for the info. I am going to talk to my mom's dr. about that. She is incontinent and wets the bed too. We have the pee pads from the Dr. Leonard catalog. Are the ones you have better? If so, I might look into that too. Thanks.
lovingdaughter

Hi all, I wanted to "vent" on this, well my Dad as you know is in skilled nursing for rehab for broken hip, they called yesterday and said they will be stopping therapy on Friday, which means he needs to leave this place and I have found a place for him if you remember that he can't go back to the assisted living place, or I should say I won't put him back there because 2 broken hips in less than 7 months!!! Well any how they said he needs 2 people to assist him now, I'm like wait a minute he was walking fine before this fall and according to the meeting with the surgeon the surgery is what he needs to be able to walk again. So somethings not right here. He is leaving rehab tomorrow and can't walk. I put in an appeal to extend his therapy for a while longer but the more I'm thinking of this I think he might not be making progress because he wants out of this place!!! He is not happy there I can tell it's the hospital environment that he doesn't seem to like (who does?). I don't want to go long on this but , that could be why he is not making much progress because he's not in pain and could walk fine before and he just had his check up at the surgeons and all is well there. If they do extend his therapy I don't think I 'll do it, I think i'll get him out of there and have therapy done at this new place, but here we go again moving poor Dad, I hate this. Sorry if I went to long, Peace.

Micheleangel,
You will know when you find the right place for your dad. My mom got a new knee 3 years ago. We sent her to a top of the line nationally know acute rehab place. Four days later, I had her taken out and back to the hospital. They ignored her underlying physical problem, and when I pushed hard, they checked her blood. She needed 4 transfusions and her blood count was a 6. Fourteen is normal!!!!! Go with your gut instinct. I have found it is never wrong. Good luck.
Linda

I don't get it! I took dad for his assessment at the assisted living facility. His assessment with the nurse went well, and he seems all together there. The minute I get him home, he loses all cognitive ability, and can barely walk. Oh, and he could hear her just fine, and now I have to yell, and repeat everything. This is driving me mad. Thank God he goes into assisted living on Tues, otherwise I might totally lose it. Sorry, just had to vent now.

I was told I had to take him home on the 4th but when I went to the family meeting they said he could stay until the 22nd which gives me more time to try to get medicade started and I did not tell the social worker that I cut the hours to 7 daily because I am sure it will take time to get on medicade and I wanted to have enough money for two months of private care this whole thing is very overwhelming and the husband will not assist-I took him in some rhubard I had cooked for him because he loves and over a week later he had not eaten it when I asked him why he said he could not get the top off-he would not ask anyone to do it-now he wants our son to change his days off to help he when he leaves and I said no- the staff can help me get him and his things into the car and the aide can be at our house when we get there-our son does so much for us if I can do things myself I do-the husband gave me such a hard time on the phone last night and then said he had to hang up because the nurse had come into the room-I guess she is more important than me so the next time he calls crying to me how bad things are I can tell him I have to hang up the cat just came into the room- now the social worker is upset because he is depressed and the head nurse is also after he left the meeting I said this part of bi-polor-I would rather have him that way than manic,-he is going to be loads of fun when he get home I am glad it is warm out so I can spend time outside or in our sunroom.

Hey Austin, I'm feeling for you, it's good you have a bit more time to get things organized before he comes home. I know it's hard, take care now.

Okay, that does it! Stick a fork in me! Last night, dad says he did not want to eat dinner, because he cannot poop. This, I know for a FACT, is not true. He sits on the toilet for 45 min at a time waiting for poop, because his replacement physician told him to do that before bedtime to keep from pooping in the bed in the morning. Now he thinks he needs to do that all day long. I said dad, what do you mean you can't go poop. He said, well, I can't go diarrhea anymore. Well, I haven't gone poop today. I'm thinking praise the Lord, for small miracles. But yesterday, as I was putting him in the car to to go to his assessment for the ALF, he says, I need to go to the bathroom again. I said, you just went. Do you mean pee? He said no, poop. He said, I just went, and I have to go again. I said, well if you have to go then go. He said, no I'll just go in my pants. I said, I prefer you not to. He said, no I can wait. I just threw up my hands, and reminded myself, "only a couple more days of this". How the rest of you, my dear friends, deal with way more than this, is beyond me. Caregiving, is a definately a gift. And this is not one of my gifts. On top of the caregiving part, I have been dealing with the financial havoc for a year now, and I cannot deal with one more week of this before I end up in a mental facility or worse. Thanks for reading.

Hey Naus, You make me laugh!! God Bless you for what you do, your a trooper.

Gee Thanks Micheleangel, I feel guilty for feeling the way I do. Even though this evening he yelled at me for no reason that I know of, except I was trying to keep him from taking too many meds. I must monitor him, since I caught him trying to take his once a week med for osteo, the very day after he already took it. I keep him clean, warm, well fed, safe, and save him from further elder financial abuse, and this is the thanks I get. He was so sweet and smiling for the nurse at the ALF, and she thought he was so cute. I thought to myself, since you think he is so cute you can have him, cause I am well done. And I'm the one who feels the guilt. But he chose his way of living (alcoholism) over everything and everyone else. So why should I feel guilty? And yet, I do. I also feel sad that he is leaving, even though I couldn't wait for him to be out. Can anyone explain this to me? You dear friends have been wonderful and uplifting, I will truly miss you all. Hugs and Love to you and yours.

HI Naus, I feel the same way at times about my Mom, I love her but she can really get to me some times.Like today I try to accomplish little things and can't get anything really done because of all the time I spend with her or telling someone else what to do for her , it's consuming.I'm hoping that now my Dad is in a really nice assisted living place I won't have to worry so much about him and I just got some help to come in (Mom lives with us) to our home every day for a few hours, so I hope that will help take some pressure off of me or I might just blow!!! Remember you can always stop by if you need to hear some "complaining" now and then...I wish you the best it was so nice meeting you even if it was a short time, take care of yourself, God Bless, Micheleangel

Nas- I hope you do not leave us completely I for one need your insite and your sense of humor-I am really going into unchartered waters looking into medicade but there is no way around it I can not take care of him 24/7 when he comes home in three weeks and we just can not aford the private aides for long-I really feel alone in this he the husband will not help in any way- he even got upset when I told him he could pack up his few belongings -he has 3 weeks and is being such a baby about things I hate being the stronge one all the time but that was the way I was raised so have to see this through-anyway please let us and esp. me know how you are doing I know it has been hard for you and I am so glad that things are going to get better for you and you will be able to have a normal life again- I do not know how that is after 17 yrs. of his caregiving please do not forget us dear lady- I probably will be penniless after all is said and done but the way things went down I have no choice but to go for medicade it is good I am thrifty besides strong and am blessed that I have been able to vent to all you dear friends for over a year.

Dear Micheleangel, It's always nice to stop by and hear other people's complaining instead of hearing my own.  That is good your dad is in a great place, hope he likes it.  Hope you get much needed relief with your mom.I managed to get yelled at again, this morning.  Dad is bound determined to make his last few days here a living hell for all here.  After telling him we were going to go shopping for some new things for his AL apartment, he yelled at me and told me I was the pain in the ass, I am the cause of ALL his problems.  Well, fine!  It's no wonder he doesn't have any friends left, or family who cares anymore.  I'm done being a doormat.  I have spent the last year cleaning up his financial nightmare  A man who was once, believe it or not worth a million dollars.  His problems have now become my problems, and they just keep getting worse.  I'm so sick of it!  He let himself be taken financial advantage of, and now it's all my fault he doesn't have a pot to piss in!  Well, he'll probably end up getting kicked out of the ALF eventually, so I 'd better find an alternate soon, just in case.   Tuesday is moving day.  I wonder what time I can move him in.  I'm waking his ungrateful ass up at 5:00am since he spends 45min to an hour in the bathroom every morning waiting for poop!  Then I can fill him up with a nice hot breakfast, just so he can yell at me some more, and then go spend an additional 45 min in the bathroom waiting for poop.  By then, we should be able to move him into the ALF.  We already picked up brand new furniture today, and it is loaded in the pick up, ready to go.  We got him a brand new leather recliner, flat screen tv, tv stand cabinet, dinette w/chairs, brand new box springs and pillowtop mattress.  You think expecting a "thank you" would be too out of line to ask for?  Dumb question, I know.  Dear Austin, I will never forget you, any of you, and I will check in still to see how you are all doing.  Austin, you are a remarkable, wonderful woman, and you are an example for us all.  I want to thank you all, for all of your support and encouragement, and non-judgement.  But Austin, as far as insight, I'm not sure I have any to give.  I have not been through the medicaid thing yet, but I'm sure I will eventually, and I can probably learn more from you, since you are going to be dealing with all of that shortly.  Next weekend I will be traveling the 1,200 miles one way to empty out dad's house.  My friend said she wanted to buy his little truck that has low miles, now she just informed me that she won't be, but MAYBE has a friend that might.  I don't want to haul a car back here, that I don't plan on him paying insurance and tags for.  The car is paid for, and is on his inventory report that I gave to the court.  If I have to give it away, then what?  I only have one week to do this, I'm praying for a miracle.  Most of the things will be given away, since I don't have the room for, nor can I afford to pay to have them moved, or stored.  It's never ending.

Hey everyone!
Got a good one for you. My brother does nothing to help. Calls mom once a week, is putting a 75 thousand $ addition to his house for his Mother-in -law and the idiot had the nerve to ask me how much the sofa bed that I got for mom's apartment cost!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She paid for it for when we go away and she has a line-in. Mom wanted this total stranger to sleep upstairs in one of our extra bedrooms. I told her no way!! That is our private space. We have given up our privacy and independence for her; the upstairs is off limits. I hired extra help for the summer so that my husband and I can enjoy the season. I hope my bother has not started counting his inheritance, because there isn't going to be one!!!! Have a good night and thanks for being there!
Linda

Good for you Linda, stick to yur guns girl! So glad to hear that you can enjoy the season with your hubby. Wow, that is one expensive MIL! Is she really worth it? LOL I plan on enjoying my summer with family as soon as we get back from the dreaded 2,400mile trip. Take Care all, and have a good day tomorrow.

Hello Everyone:

I enjoyed reading all of your postings and comments. I empathize and feel for all of you who are struggling with the pressure of being a caregiver and taking care of your parents. I feel like I wanted to vent and turned to this website to read what other people are going through in taking care of their aging parents. I recently have been put into a situation where I have to look after my 87 year mother who is living by herself for the first time in her life. I`m a middle aged single guy who is in a position of having to take care of my mother`s every need without any help from anyone else. My mother will not or cannot understand that I have my responsibilities and my own life. She thinks my life should revolve around taking care of her needs and keeping her entertained since she is very lonely living by herself. She is consuming my entire life. My sister who lives in another state rarely calls my mother and never comes home to visit (can`t afford it either). My brother calls my mother no more than once per week or every other week. He never stops over to see her and it seems he only sees his mother on the holidays. He will not help me out or get involved with helping my mother, or deal with these end of life issues. There is nobody else in the family that is in a position to help out. All of my mother`s needs and entire well-being are resting on my shoulders. I`m overwhelmed and getting sick of it. I know that I`m suffering from bouts of depression and sometimes I feel like I`m losing the will to live. I used to be sort of happy and productive but I feel like my life is being taken away from me. I have nothing to look forward to, not even my retirement. I feel like I will be going through this process for the next 10 to 15 years. I don`t even care about my life anymore, I feel like I`m in a trap that I can`t get out of. I don`t ever see my situation changing. There are no options, my mother has very little money, no close friends, doesn`t belong to a church and doesn`t have any social outlet except to call me everyday and consume more of my life. She wants me to come over and sit with her every chance I can, and take her shopping. The two biggest things in my mother`s life are television and Wal-Mart. I have tried endlessly to get my mother involved with a church or seniors groups or people her own age. She won`t do anything to help herself. I`m at the point where I either have to sell my house at a huge loss and move a long distance away from her and give up more of my life. The other options are much less favorable and I don`t even want to think about it. My mother is driving me crazy to no end. I try to be compassionate and understanding of her age and current situation but it`s getting more difficult. I`m at a loss as to know what to do. I have no options and my current situation will not change. I don`t see my friends as much as I use to. I`m not motivated to do the things I use to like doing anymore. I don`t have the time for the things I use to enjoy anyway. I`m not keeping up with work I need to get done around my house. A person shouldn`t want to see their mother pass away soon. But in all honesty, I hate my life, I`m sick of my mother and I`m completely tired of all this shit!

David-I am so sorry for all you are going through-maybe it is time to consider placing your Mother in a nursing home I know it is a hard choice to make but your are not responsible for paying for her care like I am as a spouse and it will continue to sap you of your health-I would go to see an elder lawyer and find out what her choices are hiring aides to care for her are expensive but she would have to use her assets if she has any and if not she would have to go on medicade and maybe be able to stay in her home if they would give her enough hours of help or if not a nursing home would be the only answer - I am going through that with my husband and he really needs to be in a nursing home because my health is not good and I can no longer be his main caregiver and will hire aides for 7 hrs. daily to begin with and have an appointment with an elder lawyer next week to consider medicade which I do not want to do but do not have any other choice at this point-he has been in rehab over 15 times in the last 7 yrs and does nothing to help himself. It is very hard if it is a parent or a spouse but it will not get any easier for you as you will see as you read the post on this site. Maybe if you tell your family all of this they will agree to al least help pay for care for her but it does not sound like that is going to happen so you will have to do what is best for you as no one else is suffering except you- you can be sure when she passes they all will be there to see what they can get-I do not want to sound mean but the husband only thinks of himself and does not consider what I have been through he even thinks I do not do much for him-it will be easier after you make a decision and do not feel guilty you need to think of yourself at least 30 percent of caregivers die before the ones they are caring for one lawyer told me it was 60 percent. Keep in touch.

David,
You are not obligated to care for your mom, but you do because you are a good person. We caregivers could never live with the guilt if we turned our backs; however, we are not doormats. Everybody who knows me knows that I think setting boundaries is so important. Set them, stick to them,and don't feel guilty. You need to take care of yourself, or you will not be able to care for her. Do things for yourself. When she lays the guilt trip at your feet, don't pick it up. If you have the money, hire help to give you the free time you need to keep your sanity. We sold mom's house, and I use the money to care for her. I have help 5 days a week from 4 to 6 hours each day and again Saturday nights. We worked long and hard to enjoy our golden years. I will not give them up!!!! My brother does the Sunday call and feels he has done his part. He is pathetic. Do you have power of attorney for finances as well as health decisions? Put yourself in the drive's seat and don't feel any guilt. Good luck
Linda

Wow David, you described my situation!! Very eloquent.

I agree with the ladies who said set boundaries and stick to them. It's the only way I know to survive this process that seems to take forever.

One advantage is that they get tired. Or at least my mother does. She makes a list of all the errands we are to do on the day I take her out. I prioritize them according to her needs and take her around. Eventually she begs to go home because she is so tired.

I'm also dealing my mother's loneliness and boredom. But I say it's too bad. I'm not spending anymore time with her than I already do. She will never get enough of my time and I too have a home to maintain. I've given her the name of a place she can call to get a friendly visitor. When she goes on about the loneliness I ask if she's made the call.

I've found that I have to keep dodging her as she is very good at sniffing out the cracks in my boundaries and trying to dig her way through.

It's a horrible way for both of us to live, but I haven't come up with a better solution. I rarely tell her anything about my real life because she disparages it or trys to use my life to her advantage someway. The other day she was planning my vacation time from work around her needs. That didn't last long believe me.

I never yell or speak harshly. I give her only encouraging words and tell her what a good job she is doing. I also tell her lies when it's necessary for my protection.

I'd like to know why I have to deal with this wretched situation. The only thing I can come up with is bad luck. Some people see it as God's will or some such frame of reference. I see it as life is just plain unfair sometimes.

Dear David, I am sorry for you too, It's really so hard what you are going through. I know. I have the sibling thing too and it's really a shame. I have to agree with the others and especially lovingdaughter and boundries, Can you sell her house to get some money? You need to get help with her no doubt about it. Your life is very important too. Keep in touch here these people are a Godsend!!!!! Best to you God Bless.

Dear David, you are SO not alone here. Most of us have experienced what you are going through now. I agree with the other friends here. You need some help. Maybe you could sell her house instead of selling yours, and then see if she can afford an assisted living apartment. I have to go now, will talk again next week. Take care, and let us know how you are doing.

David, I understand 150% I agree sell her house she is the one who needs the assisted living not you unless her house is better than yours than sell yours and move into hers. Make it work for you to that is the best advice I can give you. Do Not put your life on hold I am 60 and have done so much for so long I feel I will go before my mother and she just drags me down now I have other family issues and the stress in unbearable at times than it turns into depression and I am not sure how much longer I can handle it. i wish I would have left my mother in her apt. She had assistance all Ihad to do was take her places and visit occassionally and do some things that needed to be done that she said she couldn't do. She can do a lot more than she puts on now she just eat sleeps and stays in her room she is no help all the promises were just that promises and I never get away from it. Think this thru really good before you make any definite decisions. I know from experience that most people will not take other peoples advice but all of us here are taking care of a parent or grandparent or spouse and it's harder than raising children. It's never a fun job at least in my case my mother will not join in anything and when I say anything I mean anything zip nada the belly aching gets on your nerves if you have a narcasistic person like mine and the crying wolf all the time you get numb I get home and she says oh are you home HELLO this is my body. thats the extent of our conversations. Can't even do a dish so its run run run from the time I get up at 5 to the time I go to bed at 10 so I wonder why I'm tired LOL Good luck to you.

I just joined this group today so I am new at this. I do hope I find some friends here as well. I have been a caregiver for seven years now and certainly do understand the stress that comes with it. So glad that you have been able to let it go and have a good cry. I have had many. I noticed that your post was 7/08 and it is now 5/09 so I am assuming that you are still with this site. I have made a notebook for myself with encouraging info. Finding time for ourselves is soooo important no matter how little. A walk around the house is helpful just getting out and looking at nature to get our minds off the caregiving. Sometimes a bath, reading a book, pray, listen to music....find a quiet space where you can go take a few deep breaths and close your eyes. Enlist help anywhere and everywhere you can. My husband is a saint to me. He is actually cooking dinner ( a rare thing really) so I can type this. I have sitters so he and I can get away at times but it is just too expensive to go overnight very often anymore. So, plan some time away for yourself and go to the park or library or anywhere but Walmart (lol)! God bless you and remember just one day at a time is all we can really do!

David, my MIL has lived with us for 6 years. Call the Area Agency on Aging in your state and have a social worker come out and talk to you to let you know what is available. There are many senior helps out there that you may not know about. They pay for my MIL to get picked up on a van and taken to senior daycare 3days a week. Do NOT let your mom manipulate you. Sometimes you just have to be the parent and tell her what is going to happen, and then do it. This service is a life saver that will give your mom the social outlet she needs, even though she says she won't go. Elderly people get stuck in their routines and ruts and sometimes you just have to be firm for your own physical and mental health.

For those of you selling a parent's home, take the things you want and leave the rest and hire an estate sale planner who will take care of the whole thing and mail you a check. We had to do that when we sold my MIL's home in another state. It was so much easier than going through all the old clothes and knickknacks and trying to dispose of it ourselves. Your real estate agent can recommend someone.

Welcome 1215, I'm sure you will find many friends here. I am pretty new as well and I thank God for everyone here, I just love them!!! I get so much inspiration, advise, comfort and just someone to listen to me it is a Godsend, Peace to you.

Welcome 1215. We are so happy to add to our family of caregivers. When I am down, I get on the site and vent. Look at the many questions on the side of the screen.. One new one started by one of our members is Count Your Blessings. It really is great to b e able to put in something positive. Anne, mindingourelders , nauseated and some others have been on the site a while and have lots of wisdom. The new members have given me some good advice too. So welcome aboard. We don't judge, just support, give advice and cry with you when needed!!

Linda

Welcome, 1215. You've already gotten some very good advice. If you type your state's name in your browser and find their main site, then go to their aging services, you can generally get a pretty good overview of what is offered. Also, of course, you county social services for adults is a great source. Take care and keep coming on to let us know how you are doing.
Carol

welcom 1215 I am also new to this site and love it dearly. Since I found this site I don't feel so lonely anymore. I also realized the things my mom does is very common. It still hurts when she is ugly to me but, I am now able to overlook most of it anyway. I'm learning to deal with things and when I feel down I just come on the site and vent my feeling and get some great advice on how to handle some things. I hope you will get some great use of the site.

sulynn

Sulynn-welcome to this site it has saved my sanity even though it is my husband who I take care of, there is a lot in common with those who take care of parents- it is a great support system for us all.

Thank you everyone for making me feel at home here and for all the wonderful thoughts and advice. I did find a new group having their third meeting today at a yoga studio for Parkinsons patients. I actually took my father and he tolerated it well. They address any subject you would like and acquire speakers so I am looking forward to this. This is truly a break-through for me. Also, they are going to separate the caregivers next meeting and show us how to do some yoga. I am looking forward to that. I am also going to talk to our minister to see if there is interest among our congregation for a caregivers group of children caring for aging parents. Perhaps my husband and I will have a home group with other christians who are caregivers as well. Again, thank you all so much!!

Hi Sulynn and 1215,
Welcome to this site. It is the BEST! I couldn't get thru some days without coming on and reading the posts. I never feel alone when I read what everyone is saying. No one can ever understand all the feelings that we have about caregiving unless they walk a mile in our shoes. I don't even bother when some people ask about my mom since they just don't get it.
It seems that every day is a new adventure although I want to get off this "ride". It has been 3 years today(seems like 30) that my mom moved in with me and I honestly didn't think she would last this long (she is 96). The Dr says she isn't doing too badly considering her health problems. Some days I just want to scream from the highest mountain.........LEAVE ME ALONE!!!! I just wish I had my life to myself.......when is there time for me.......it seems like it will never come.
It feels so good to VENT!!!!!
Thanks for listening..........It has been raining here for a week so hopefully when the sun returns I might feel better.
onenandonly