Needing to vent: Our parents are like children.

Michaelangel Thank you this is day number 10 still have a few triggers but training my brain to think differently. As the cigarettes really never helped me handle the stress in the first place duh don't know why I didn't see it sooner its like I had a revelation!!\

yes, in deed set boundries, keep your information to your self, My son just had a break up and moved back home and my mother being the gossiper that she is and just loves it when someone is having a hard time just kept asking questions one right after the other what's he doing now is he going to this yada yada yada, I just said I don't know mom really its not any of my business, I am only here to help and love him finally after four or five attempts she stopped asking I didn't want to be mean about it and say its none of your business and I do know the answers but it is none of her business and I am not going to let her do to him what she did to me when I was younger. I don't like my mother never did but she is my mother and I will take care of her to the best of my ability and she is not going to be pulling any strings she is a control freak and the more info you give her the more she uses against you or anyone else and she loves to embelish. This is why she has no relationship with my brother or sister or my son for that matter. But she did it to herself. Why I feel obligated I do not know but I do I guess because I know there isn't anyone else to take care of her but set those boundries at first I thought oh boy we will finally have a great mother daugher relationship WRONG!! so in came the boundries. That doesn't leave us much to talk about mostly the weather or the dogs but that's okay for me at first I felt awkward like I was supposed to do something and than I found out I was supposed to do something "TAKE CARE OF ME" She stays in her room comes out when the housework is all finished or the meals are cooked takes her food to her room eats brings her dishes out and really doesn't want to be bothered with us. At first this bothered me but now I am fine with it. If she wants something she will definitly ask and it doesn't matter if you're in the middle of something or not. So I have shaken off that part of the stress and got me some antidepressants and now I can take care of me. I still can't take a vacation but that will come in time I did go fishing last sat and that was so relaxing so little day trips will keep me sane for a little while longer it's been four years now so probably the worst is yet to come as I buried dad two years ago and have been on the go ever since but I will not give up church, bible classes, my mentoring or anything else I want to do even if I can't do it the way I like to I will modify until I can. Don't lose yourself in the shuffle it is NOT worth it. God gave you a life to and He wants you to use ALL your talents not just one. God Bless and Good luck

It just burns me up when I type a good comment and it isn't posted and I WAS SIGNED IN!!! sometimes

dedestock listen to loving daughter, I relate to her very much in so many ways.

I don't like my mother but I take care of her because there is no one else been doing it most of my life, My son just had a break up and moved in and she was nosing around and I told her I just didn't know everytime she asked a question because it wasn't any of my business, so I think she got the message. she loves to keep things going and says things that are really hurtful, I refuse to let her do to him what she did to me when I was younger. I found it hard to set boundries because I thought I was supposed to do something well I was it was TAKE CARE OF ME been in the hospital with heart, have HB now all because I let her get to me not anymore and today is day 10 of no smoking. I realized or had a revelation that the cigarettes were not helping me deal with stress don't know why it took so long I guess the time is right so if nothing else I learned this. It's been four years since I brought her and Dad to live in my state dad died two years ago its only a matter of time now she stays in her room and doesn't want to be bothered with us unless she wants to go someplace or wants us to do something for her, It always gets done so she can never say like she did when i took care of my MIL you like her more than you do your own mother well that wasn't true I didn't like her either but she was my husbands mother and her kids didn't want to be bothered either, they do these things to themselves by being controlling and selfish. So what goes around comes around. But I have to live with myself and i'd rather be me than anyone else. God gave you talents use them don't use just one or you won't grow. Its okay for your mother to have a tempertantrum people recognize that. Its okay for her to put you down mine does it in front of my friends in front of me I told her the only thing you do is make yourself look like a ass. Since I told her that she has stopped, I also told her you must watch what you say about my looks because out of all your kids I look the most like you. and that is true, hmmm food for thought so she has stopped that. Sometimes you just have to lay it right out on the table for them because they think they are so smart and just because they are your parent they think they know everything honey they don't. And neither do we but if I know something I am going to speak my mind. In a kind way of course, that is the best way, screaming and yelling never get ya anywhere. God Bless and Good luck and TAKE CARE OF YOU or you won't be able to take care of anyone else.

well hello there it is and I typed it all over again LOL see I don't know everything. LOL

Dear Friends - I took care of my husband, with Alz. for many years, so I undersatnd all your concerns. I decided an Alz. Support Group was needed, we just celebrated our 5th anniversary. There are many members going through the same feelings, but their biggest outlet is to talk with other that are able to understand what you are going through. Your outlet here is great, but a person-to-person Support Groups is even better. Please try to find one. Go to your church for "baby sitters", if you are unable to hire someone. Care givers often die before the ill person - it is vitally important that you care for yourself first. Think of the outcome if you become sick. Try as hard as possible to hire someone to come in for a few hours a day or week - then go to movies, to church, lunch with a friend. Talk of other things if you must - it gives your mind a rest. Perhaps someone from church will bring in a meal once a week - mention your problems to the members. Go to Brueau of the Aging and ask for help - they have SO many ways of helping. Volunteering for a few hours a week at a library (or some such place) will relax you.
God knows that your are doing a suberb job, and He will never condem you for taking a break. Above all - DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. Your life is what is important now, really, you must understand that. If you get sick, you can't help the loved one. Crying will help for today - don't feel quilty about it, but more is needed! Do get to a support group. I tell my members to call me if they get depressed, they do, and cry as long as needed, then we chew over their problems.
One big thing that helped me through the years :::: "Lord, help me to remember that nothing is going to happen to me today, that You and I together can't handle." DO NOT feel guilty - you are doing the very best you can.
I wish you well, and GOD BLESS YOU all.
Maryan

Thank you northlake I will find out in my area.

I am not getting notifications of you guys posting. What is going on. Is anyone else having this problem?

Neon,
Good job on the smoke free days!!!!!!! Northlake Every morning I say " Lord in Heaven, hear my prayer" I just think I am letting Him know I am up and need a little extra help. Keep up hte good work, strengthen those boundaries, keep parts of your life and private from those you care for. It really works. Daughter just called. Not telling mom. It is my private time with my child who is half way across the country!

Linda

Neon-I am so proud of you-you are adding years to your life and I want you around for many many more years-you are a blessing. I am very sad that our son does not understand that the husband can not come home-I just can not do it anymore.

Maryan has some very good tips. Please read her post.
Carol

I am speaking from a professional and personal side, I care for my mother 24/7 also, and she is total care except she can feed herself. She cannot walk, is incontinent , so as you all know a lot of lifting is involved. Since I quit being a dirctor of nursing in a long term care facility, I have a little extra I don't know what you'd call it , becasuse this is the hardest job I've ever done caring for my mother. But I will say that caregivers need to be careful, or they will end up being the ones cared for. If possible expense wise, pay to have someone come stay a week-end with your mom. If you hace a church, talk to your church family, you'd be surprised who will help. ( that what I did) or you could use respate (sp) care a lot of places care for the eldery on a short term basis, for a week-end or week for example. It's OKAY to use moms money to help get away, pay for a motel, and do what you want for the weekend. You, myself includid, must not and can not feel guilty. You HAVE to get away!! I am lucky and also have a sister who altho she does not choose to care for mom, I tell her I EXPECT her once a month to either care for her or pay someone to. Sometimes you just have to take charge!! God bless you and take care of yourself or their will be no one to care for you mom;. Cheryl

lovingdaughter ~ thank you for your words of advice...I have tried to set boundaries, but seem to fail. If I don't answer the phone, I get nasty messages, etc... Yesterday, Fathers Day, she had come to our house for dinner.. she had PROMISED that she would be nice.. Well, the second she sat down, she started in on me, my husband, my kids... and then was outraged when I told her what we were eating. She didn't like that KIND of steak, and couldn't believe that I would serve such a thing. My husband told her that she could either change her attitude or leave. She chose to leave, but of course, I have to drive her home... Before she even got into the car, it started, how could HE dare say that to her, how could I do that to HER.. etc.... anyway, she decided to apologize and come back in to eat, she then proceeded to sit at the table and cry while the rest of us were trying to have a pleasant dinner..when my husband was opening his presents, she had snide comments to make about how I NEVER take her shopping...she even had the odasity to tell my husband that she doesn't approve of our vacation and forbids us to go. I am 51 and he is 61... and she FORBIDS us to go away!! So.. I finally took her home and then she called to again tell me taht she can't understand what she did and how could I do this to her... I finally just took the phone off the hook and turned off my cell phone. She refuses to go to counseling or to admit that she is the one with the problem and that her behavior is killing me and destroying my family!!

Hi frazzled we have a lot in common including our real names. Is your middle initial A?

I just do little couple hour things like trout fishing or play cards and than I'm only fifteen minutes to one hour away my siblings live 658 miles in either direction I live right smack in the middle of them I brought my parents down to live with me as I knew my brother wouldn't do anything and either would his wife. Can't even get them to call so it is what it is and I deal with it the best I can. In the process recognized I had to help me to so I have been smoke free for 14 days not much but I am doing it and I will do it not bad for someone who smoked for 44 years. But my doc says my lungs are exactly what they should be for a woman my age who has never smoked so might as well quit while I'm ahead doesn't mean I don't have other issues tho I take 13 meds compared to my mothers 2 that says something doesn't it. But she doesn't usually do what her doc tells her she knows more and she likes to self diagnose herself and she is also a hypochondriac. Which is always lots of fun. Not to mention a drama queen and I'm just as down to earth as a guy I guess that comes from raising boys or I'm like my dad I tell it like it is and that helps a great deal, ticks people off but I can't be responsible if the truth hurts. I'm little but mighty. LOL one day going to have a S tattooed on my chest. and get me a cape NOT!

katybo ~ thank you also for your comments.. My mother also does the "kick me to the curb" crap and you'll be sorry when I'm dead... etc.. she does a great job of making me feel guilty..I don't know how to turn it off or put "on the shield"...I am lost right now and scared for myself and my family!

dede you must really love your mother if it bothers you so. I am so sorry, my mother has done this so long to me now she lives with me and I absolutely forbid to discuss certain things anything that involves my family, my husband, my son, my dogs etc. We have very little to talk about because her favorite pastime is to drag everyone thru the mud and I don't want to hear it and tell her so. So she stays in her room most of the time I even have to give her a personal invitation to eat supper. But it works, I don't love my mother she tried that you'll be sorry when I'm gone, No I won't I've been taking care of me and you for all my life I will feel relief. I hope you can find some answers that will help you. Pray to God for peace and try to let the snide remarks go unanswered she just wants to keep you in turmoil and she knows what buttons to push. Guilt is a useless emotion it serves no purpose whatsoever except to make the other person (the one making you feel that way) happy. thats a sad person I don't care who they are, I have one to, that is why my siblings want no part of her and I understand them and that doesn't bother me either it did at first but I thought and prayed about it I do what is necessary for my mother but I do not love her. She started this when I was a little girl, I am 60 now she has no control over me actually she never did but as a child you obey your parents. Well I am not a child anymore and without me she would have NO ONE not even her siblings want anything to do with her so you reap what you sew. Don't be so hard on yourself and obviously your family knows how she is let them vent to her I applaud your husband, I think she was feeling a bit guilty there don't you. don't let her upset you thats what she wants start getting the attitude whatever with her, just practice after the first two or three times it feels really really good. Say no and mean it. I used to be a people pleaser not anymore too much water under the dam. I will keep you in my prayers you are worth more than that and your husband and kids know that you know that and guess what yep she knows it to. In my case there is a lot of jealousy because I chose to do things with my life and not sit passively by and blame others for what has gone wrong here and there. Last night we were watching Ty build a home for a couple with three kids who gave so much to their community and had nothing, they lived just like we did when I was a kid and she was so hateful she didn't like to see somebody get something nice why what goes around comes around even tho they had nothing no heat no running water no house really but they gave back they loved they didn't just sit and feel sorry for themselves and wait for their boat to come in, well my mother was just the opposite we had nothing she didn't do anything to even try to feed us it was left up to me the oldest and than when my sister got older her to than they wanted to use my brother he had the most sense he left when he was 16 and stayed away no one knew where he was me being the oldest I felt for my siblings. oh boy I could go on and on but this is about you dede take care of you don't let her change who you are you are loving and caring not bitter and hateful thats why your husband and kids love you so.

NEON-I am so proud of you for not smoking esp. with all your stress. Went to see the husband yesterday while there he had one of his spells don't ask what a spell is I asked my MIL years ago and she was pissed. anyway I just watched him and since he did not get any attention after about 2 min, he yelled give me more cake-all of a sudden he can not feed himself,but when I am not there he does he has not lost any weight and I know the aides will not feed him. I promised him I would go again on Tue, and if it is nice will take him outside for a while-they have stopprd his P.T. but he will have to wheel himself around he is too heavy for me to push-our son seems to accept the fact he can not go home but once this medicaide mess is done if ever it is I will get him closer to home-sometimes it takes an hr, to get there and their visiting hours are very restrictive- I have to go in on Fri to meet with the social worker again and social service next week my daughter who works for social service in another county said not to expect it to go smoothly -why would anything go smoothly for me anyway but as of last Fri it is official he will not be coming home-so far I have not gotten a bill for the last bed hold-I guess making a fuss now and then helps- maybe I will become the B---- he always said I was LOL.

neowacky ~ thank you so much for your kind words...No, I really don't love my mother, I feel obligated to take care of her as much as I can ~ but then she tells me I'm a terrible daughter, etc.. She called this a.m. and I told her I can't take it anymore, I will not listen to her berating me or my family, we will do what we want, when we want and I don't care what she feels about it, but she needs to keep her mouth shut or I will hang up on her. period. She, of course, said she didn't know what I was talking about.. how could I do this to her.. blah blah blah.. I am going to have to teach myself to let it slide and not affect me.. I AM going to learn to put my foot down and not let her control me or lay her guilt trips on me.. I admire you for being able to stick to it and pray that you will be a great inspiration for me.

No, my middlle initial is J, as for the mom, have you tried to set down and spoken the bare truth to your mom. Sometimes thats the only way to stop bieng bullied, and that is what I'm reading a lot of these moms are doing. I am not the fFAVORED DAUGHTER, but the favored will not care for our mom and states she will not. So I sat my mother down and TOLD her not to say anything until I was done. I'm 62 and she was treating me like I was a naughty 6yr old. I spoke the absolute truth to her. Nurmber one, If I did'nt care for her none of her other daughter would not, @. She could not care for hersel. 3. She would either pay to have someone else care for her or go to a nursing home, period. 4. If you have given up work to cvare for her or you are on a budget, you can get paid to care for her. Some states or insurance companies will pay check on it. Do not let her bully you or get you to lose your control. Be selfish take care of yourself and your family. Frazzled

Try to remember it only takes 72 hours for the active nicotine to leave your system the rest is in the head. Mind wise, you can do it!! I dreamed about smoking for 2 yrs after I quit, 20 yrs ago. I smoked 35+yrs. You go girl. Frazzled

I tell mine how it is I live in the real world and its not always pretty. My mother on the other hand thinks she lives in fairyland most of the time I think anyway hard to tell. What a shame we all know how you feel cry if you want to I went thru a couple of months not to long ago where I was very emotional and I always want to hide the tears to why is that afraid to let some one know I might be weak. ?? Well I thought about that and I think it's okay to let someone see me cry I am human and cannot handle everything all the time for every one so once I figured that out I get a little more help from hubby and son and I feel loved. What a great feeling.

Well my mind is made up I want one really bad right now but I've made it this far it ain't gonna happen I am going to lick this thing I feel better already. Not just physically but mentally to because I know I am doing something good for me. Thanks for your encouragement it means alot

Hey Austin the squeaky wheel gets the oil and so does the squeaky door. You go girl and stand firm. I'm pretty proud of me to. I feel much better physically and mentally You do the best you can and let God handle the rest, its a hard lesson for us care givers to learn but it is possible. What I can't change I hand over to God what I can change I change. Yeah social services, what a group they are always so willing to help strangers but never Americans Those that put the money in the coffers in the first place. But take what they will give and if you can't afford the rest well than you can't as they say can't squeeze blood out of a turnip the sad thing is with all of us boomers its only going to get worse, You take care and thanks for your encouragement I appreciate it so much. I am woman hear me ROAR!!

A new problem that I am having is that my mother is trying to run off her new caregiver. The caregiver is young and kind and very professional. She does not have a lot of experience but is willing learn and work hard. My mother qualifies for a waiver program and these hours are free so we go through specific agencies. If I am not happy I can change agencies or try new caregivers. I am using the summer to try out different people. These"free" hours really help because I pay for all of the other hours since she needs someone with her 24/7. Today the therapist came to the house and was showing the caregiver some techniques in moving Mom. When they left Mom said unkind things about the caregiver - she's too dumb, she's too fast, she's too slow etc. I am going to stop complimenting the caregiver because I almost think it's defiance towards me. She continues to be very angry because I am clinging on to the boundaries I have set. When her behavior is positive I reward it but when she becomes hateful I make myself scarce. Tonight she had me captive taking her to bed and she began to cry and shake and it's upsetting to me so I try not to react. I couldn't manage her physically so I called my husband to help me and she stopped crying. I wish she could see that I want to help her, I am making sacrifices and I do love her but.....not on her terms. I spend a lot of time coordinating meds, docs, other services, caregivers, housekeeping for her but what she wants is control over my life. She's going to run this girl off but I will not fire her if there is no valid reason. I think if my mother is safe, clean fed - all her needs are met in a compassionate manner, that I will stick to my guns. She only wants me to care for her - I have to work when school starts back up.

Neon- keep up the good work and have those healthy lungs!!!!!

Dedestock- try not to invite mom to your special days with your family. She is set on ruining them, so don't give her the opportunity. When she starts, just get up and leave. Have your family set the boundaries with you. Stick to them. I know it isn't easy and it may take time, but it works. Take care.
Linda

Carmen stick to your guns I find that its the strongest willed that wins these stupid battles, so far I'm winning. Unfortunately you always have to be on guard which makes it hard to relax most times but when I stay one step ahead I can get more accomplished and deal with mother better. Good luck yeah if my lungs get any louder I won't have to type you'll all be able tohear me LOL

Thanks neon! Why does everything have to be such a battle. I am willing to pay for anything help her any way I can -but...she's 80 and I am 48 and so she can't do whqt I do.

lovingdaughter~thank you for your advise. I agree that the special occassions seem to be an obstacle, but I don't know how to avoid it. She gives me the guilt trip about what is she going to do, how could I leave her alone, she doesn't have anyone else, etc.. She's already started asking me about Thanksgiving and Christmas and she is really "po'd" that we are going to be out of town over 4th of July, although she hasn't gone to fireworks withus for many years, she doesn't remember that (?) and thinks that she always goes with us... I don't know what to do about the holidays. My son, who is 17, told me last year that he would like to have one happy Christmas before he moves out of the house... isn't that sad?? No matter how hard I try to make everything happy, she will just wind up crying and/or saying something mean and nasty, or being tired... so therefore making everyone else miserable, but if I don't allow her to come, I will feel miserable.. I don't believe that God intended us to have to go through all of this and the day of our modern medication that allows people to live longer is a farce. People shouldn't have to live longer when they are miserable and make everyone else's lives miserable.. 100 years ago, I would already be considered really old (51) and there wouldn't be these issues.. oh well...I will work hard on sticking to my guns and setting the limits. Maybe by Crhistmas, she will have turned over a new leaf - LOL

Carmen, it is a battle and a hard one. But stick to your guns or you will be swallowed up in this. Don't let intentional guilt trips get to you (yeah, I know, easy to say). But rewarding positive behavior and backing off from abuse generally works even with dementia. I'm glad you have help. It sounds like your mother won't like anyone who helps, as she wants only you, but these caregivers know that.

keep trying to take care of yourself, even when it's hard (most of the time?)
Carol

It just seems that some of us have to battle for everything , I also think it is our parents attitude and personality. I also think whatever little independance they had they are afraid to give up. Mine is very happy just laying around eating and watching tv and surprising me with will you pick this up tomorrow, I need this by friday I need to go here I want this. so I try to stay one step ahead bought a white board and mon tue wed thurs friday I write get this do that get this do that or sometimes I write do nothing today this lets her know she has tried to change it around and I just say what does the white board say ?? there's your sign. Mine is 83 and I am 60 so same here and I can't do what I used to do

This is a sure sign of Caregiver Burnout and yes, depression.

Have you considered getting some help with her care to give you a break? Home Care Agencies, Adult Day Care Centers and Nursing Homes with Respite Care services may be able to assist you.

If she is a widow of a veteran, she may qualify for some benefits to help pay for her care.

dedestock
Can you screen your calls? Let your son have a good Christmas. Don't give in. I know it is tough, but you have us to keep you strong.
neon,
Can you tell mom that you will only be able to run errands twice a week. Give her the days and stick to them. Can you have prescriptions delivered? Every little bit of tough love goes a long way!

Linda