Needing to vent: Our parents are like children.

A very good friend lives with her daughter and family-she has her own space which is a large room with her own bathroom and she has room for her stuff and it is like a small apartment and she is very happy another friend kept her house when her husband died and now one of her children and family had to move in her home-she in independent so it was not for her they live there and she is not happy and has almost no privacy so it really depends on a lot of things but if you do not get along over the years it will not get better living together generally

Oh, these parent-care decisions are so difficult to make. Teristeve, my heart goes out to you. You've gotten lots of excellent advice, heard some real experiences, the pros and cons. Here's my story. I had Mom move in with us 2 years ago. She is in our house, but in a separate efficiency so we can all have our "privacy". When she first came here she was relatively independent and I could leave and she would be OK. However, time has robbed her of her vision, her hearing, her equilibrium, and a series of mini-strokes has robbed her of much of her mind. First the judgment started going. She could no longer be trusted alone because of fall risks (and refusing to use assistive devices). I gave up all of my outside life then to stay with her, basically felt like I was under house arrest in my own home. Then the memory started fading. Now she is hallucinating and talking to people at night, and sometimes during the day. She's awake all day and half the night. Medication adjustments haven't helped. The dr's answer is that it's vascular dementia and it's only going to get worse. I have a baby monitor set up so I can hear when she needs help. Unfortunately I also hear her nightly conversations. I haven't had a full night's sleep in a month now. This past weekend she tried ripping out the kitchen sink drain with a pair of scissors because she couldn't close it. Then she flooded the bathroom twice by twisting the faucet around so the water drained onto the counter and floor, rather than into the sink. She never did re-orient during the day. The doctor strongly recommends nursing home placement -says she needs 24 hr supervision and I can't do it. It's become a major safety issue for her. Two months ago he told me to consider NH placement and I resisted. Now I'm ready, oh so very ready. I have her on a waiting list and they're expecting to get her in within a month (how they can know that is beyond me). Luckily she's in hospice because of her very poor appetite and weight loss. The hospice social worker and chaplain are so supportive, said they will be here with me when I tell her we're moving her to a home, will help with the move, will stay with me for an hour or so after the move to be sure I am OK. They say to prepare for and resist the guilt load she is going to dump on me when I tell her. Friends and relatives who have put their parents in a NH all tell me it was the best move for them, that their parents did so much better, their relationships with their parents were better because they could visit and enjoy and not work so darned hard all the time being a nurse's aide/laundry lady, cook, housekeeper, etc for their parent. Am I loaded with guilt for putting her in a home? Yes, sometimes, when she is coherent. No, not when I'm going down the outside stairs at 3 am in the cold pouring rain, hoping I don't fall and break a bone (I have osteoporosis). Would I do it again? Probably not. The toll it has taken on me, both emotionally and physically, has been tremendous. The toll it has taken on the relationship with my mother has been tremendous. I'm hoping she has enough coherent days left in the NH to heal the damage that's been done.

My Mom has been in a NH for about 4 months, I just couldn't handle it any more.
She does do more there then she did before.
At first, I felt bad about it but I'm fine with it now.
She's not happy 24/7 but she wasn't before either.
She sometimes calls and cries about it, but forgets that she even called 10 minutes later.
Hope you get her settled soon and let the guilt go-we can't do more then our best.

Thank you, Nance. You are one of the reasons why this is such a great place to be. Sometimes all it takes is a reassuring word from someone like you to help make someone's day better.

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU WHO TOOK TIME OUT OF YOUR BUSY LIVES TO HELP ME SORT OUT MY FEELINGS ABOUT THIS MOVE. i FEEL VERY STRONGLY THAT WE HAVE TO TRY THIS. IT IS NOT ONLY FOR THE FOLKS, BUT MY MIDDLE SON AND HIS FAMILY ARE LOSING THEIR HOME BECAUSE OF A LAYOFF AND THE ECONOMY, SO THEY WILL BE RENTING OUR HOME FROM US. EVERYON NEEDS OUR HELP RIGHT NOW. BAD TINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE AND OUR FAMILY HAS SURE HAD ITS SHARE LATELY.
THINGS WILL NEED TO GET BETTER FOR THE FOLKS SO THEY CAN HAVE A LITTLE OY IN THEIR LIVES BEFORE THEIR MEMORIES ARE GONE. THEY HAVE GIVEN US SO MUCH IN THEIR LIFETIMES. IT IS TIME FOR US TO GIVE BACK.
THANK YOU FOR ALLOWING ME TO SOUND OFF. I KNOW I WILL PROBABLY NEED IT A LOT IN THE FUTURE.

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU WHO TOOK TIME OUT OF YOUR BUSY LIVES TO HELP ME SORT OUT MY FEELINGS ABOUT THIS MOVE. i FEEL VERY STRONGLY THAT WE HAVE TO TRY THIS. IT IS NOT ONLY FOR THE FOLKS, BUT MY MIDDLE SON AND HIS FAMILY ARE LOSING THEIR HOME BECAUSE OF A LAYOFF AND THE ECONOMY, SO THEY WILL BE RENTING OUR HOME FROM US. EVERYON NEEDS OUR HELP RIGHT NOW. BAD TINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE AND OUR FAMILY HAS SURE HAD ITS SHARE LATELY.
THINGS WILL NEED TO GET BETTER FOR THE FOLKS SO THEY CAN HAVE A LITTLE OY IN THEIR LIVES BEFORE THEIR MEMORIES ARE GONE. THEY HAVE GIVEN US SO MUCH IN THEIR LIFETIMES. IT IS TIME FOR US TO GIVE BACK.
THANK YOU FOR ALLOWING ME TO SOUND OFF. I KNOW I WILL PROBABLY NEED IT A LOT IN THE FUTURE.

Teristevewags, Always trust your gut. Since you feel so strongly about your decision, it is probably the best one for you right now. If things change a lot down the road, remember that it is not an irrevocable decision. Enjoy the journey and hang onto the joy. Remember to get help when you need it. Remember to do nice things for YOU. Blessings to you.

txmaggie,
You are kind and honest. What else could you ask for! You have done more than most people would have done and now it is time for the professionals to take over. Take the rest and feel no guilt!!

I heard those same words today, concerning our situation. Wow. That's a sign from above. Take care, all.

P.S., bless you Caregivers.

Nothing new has happened, so why do I just feel like crying all the time? I think of all the happy good times and sob my eyes out.
Is this self pity? I don't feel sorry for myself, I do feel bitterness because my sisters don't come around--their above helping out.
Anyone else have the cry baby problem?

youre not a crybaby - your are stressed and/or depressed at a very real situation. The only thing you can change is your feelings about the situation which is very hard -

Since I suspect your sisters aren't losing any sleep or crying over your situation you have to find something to look forward to. It may never happen that you can harden your heart towards uncaring sisters, but I've learned to accept that if someone is a jerk, that is their problem and move on. Jerks have a way of being terribly upset if you aren't. So smile. Try to find something you enjoy and can look forward to, even if it is simple - if you start laughing your brain chemistry will start to take a turn for the better and your mood will improve. Even better if you can go outside & get a little sun, and quiet time.

Nance, I think we ALL have the crybaby problem at some point. Is your mom still in the NH? Perhaps you're still getting adjusted to that - it has to be a huge change in your life. Do you work? If she's still there and you have some extra pockets of time, why not try some volunteer stuff. There are places that can use help for just a few hours per day, and it would get you out of the house, get you meeting people. I'm still waiting on the NH bed for mom, but I have my list of volunteer organizations waiting on my desk: Habitat for Humanity (they always need office help when they aren't building homes), the local aquarium, the local humane society, the local thrift shop. Once we have our elders placed, we can still check on them and visit often, but we really need to try to get some semblance of our lives back together to lift us out of the isolation and depression. So hang in there. A wise lady once told me that we can't do any more than our best. You've done and are doing your best, so try not to beat yourself up. Hugs.

OH I BEG OF YOU TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. I HAVE BEEN CARING FOR MY MOM AND DISABLED BROTHER FOR 3 YEARS. I DO TAKE TRIPS AND TIME FOR MYSELF, BUT SAD TO SAY, MY MOM HAS ACCUSED ME OF ABUSE, VERBAL ABUSE, AND I WAS TURNED IN TO THE ADULT PROTECTIVE. AND THERE ARE NO WORDS ABOUT THE TEARS I HAVE SHED AND STILL SHED DAILY. I AM THE ONLY CHILD BESIDES MY DISABLED BROTHER, BUT MY TWO DAUGHTERS STEPPED IN AND TOOK MY MOTHERS SIDE. I FEEL LIKE THERE HAS BEEN A DEATH IN THE FAMILY. I TOOK CARE OF THEM AND NOW AM LOST, I HAVE NO FRIENDS, NO JOB AND HAVE NEVER BEEN SO LOW. I COULD NOT EXPLAIN IT TO MY DAUGHTERS BUT AS YOUR MOTHER AGES HER PERSONALIT CHANGES AND YOU LONG FOR YOUR MOTHER AND SHE IS NOT THERE MENTALLY. THE DOCTOR HAS TOLD ME BEFORE, THE CAREGIVER USUALLY GIVES OUT BEFORE THE PATIENT . I DID NOT THINK THAT COULD BE POSSIBLE BUT IT HAPPENED. I AM BITTER, SAID, LONELY AND THIS SITE I JUST FOUND HAS HELPED ME MORE IN 2 DAYS THAN ANYTHING. YOU HANG IN THERE. TAKE CARE OF YOU.............LOVE YOURSELF

One thing I've certainly experienced through all of this is a rollercoaster of emotions--sadness, guilt, anger, etc. Dad had his 10 day respite stay (first time) and did not fair well. Accused everyone of poisoning him and would not eat. He lost yet more weight (which he could not afford to do). I will say this, this is the first time through all of this I really did not feel guilty. He called me about three days into it and gave me a bunch of crap hoping I'd come get him. Nope, years of canceling plans to deal with his bs have taken it's toll on me. I enjoyed my 10 days EMMENSELY. It was a feeling of freedom I've never really appreciated before. I took a week off of work as well and spent most of the time with my daughter--we did all the fall Halloween stuff--apple picking, pumpkin picking and carving, corn mazes, Universal Horror nights --just an awesome time. At the end of it when I picked him up--that's when I felt a little bad. He was like a happy little kid when he saw me, knowing that he was going home. That feeling has since left--after about three days of saying he was so glad to have me taking care of him again, now it's back to the same crap. This morning he actually pissed in his empty cereal bowl because he didn't want to walk to the bathroom (perfectly capable of it) then made a mess of the bathroom later in the day that was so horrible I won't detail it. I never know what to feel. The anger is overwhelming--then the sadness over some of he horrible things that come out of my mouth. If I felt that he was totally out of it, it would be one thing, but some of this I honestly think that he does it on purpose. I know at the respite care they tired of him very quickly. It's clear that he will be one of those that goes very fast if he is placed permanently and that makes me feel horrible. Then I think of the horrible things he does here---and also how wonderful I felt when he wasn't here--I can't get a handle on how to feel. Sometimes I burst out crying and other days I yell like a banshee. It's the hardest thing I've ever dealt with and I still can't make a decision. In early December he's scheduled for another stay. I'm looking forward to it and I will make the best of it. Hang in there you all--there are no easy answers. Having hobbies on the side that you enjoy are the only true suggestions I can give on keeping sane.

Well-he needs to be away from your child !!! And you !! peeing in a cereal bowl when he can and knows how to use the bathroom!!
Put him in a NH-let people that know how to handle things like that help you. He will be fine and you'll be much better off.

Believe me-nobody has told me that taking care of him is a good idea. I guess that he fact that I don't have much family holds me back from placing him and being done. Actually , he and my daughter are all I have. She's 23 and helps me out with him (if she were little I wouldn't expose her to this--it's too disturbing). Also the fact that he was a good father to me in previous years---he's grown more and more crazy over the last 20 years after losing my mother, and over the last year, he has become unbearable with the dementia. Sometimes I wish he would go quietly in his sleep here at home. I despise nursing homes---I truly do. I know people say that there are good ones out there, but I just haven't seen it. Plus the VA only pays for certain homes and I'm familiar with them (not good at all). Also, I know he'll go fast there with the way he behaves (starving himself when he doesn't get his way). I sometimes think that that may not be such a bad thing, but I know it will weigh on me. I just don't understand why he has to be so nasty in his habits---it's uncalled for. I feel I need to try my very best and do everything possible to get through this---everyone has told me I have already reached that point--I know he won't last in a home, but he's giving me no alternative with his disgusting behavior.Next month it will be a year that he has lived with me---I feel like nothing has been achieved and the nothing has been appreciated--I'm keeping him going with a life that has no quality and my own life has been turned upside down. There are times that I feel he is an evil old man, but then he'll turn around and tell me he loves me and it makes me feel like a monster for thinking that way. WHY can't he live his days out here without being such a jerk?!

A lot of people say they hate NHs-I was one of them, but my Moms been in one for a few months and its very nice.
They would not let him starve to death-he will eat in time.
I think you have done your best, no one can tell you what you should do but I hope you do whats best for you.

Place him in a NH NOW!! He is not the man who raised you. My dad was weak and tired and was ready to die. We were able to keep him home since he was sharp as a tack and still my daddy at 92. However, if he were not him self and not in control, I would have had to put him in a home. This situation is not good and you do not have to do this!!!!!! Honor him and the memory you have of him by placing him in a good NH where they will take care of him. Monitor the progress, check his care , his meds, and his activities. You don't even have to see him , just go and talk to the staff and that way they will know that you are involved.

i agree with lovingdaughter .
if my father was like that i would have no other choices but to put him in nusring home . you wil feel so much better an dnot worry about where did he pee at ? your house will smell terrible or already is and you dont smell it cuz ure so used to the smell ....
your father is already long gone in his mind .'my father is 86 and is a sweet heart and he does not do stuff like that .
my whole body went out of whack liftin him and carry him so he wont fall . my daughter helped me out and the next day her body went out of whack too . i told dad we cant do it anymore ...
he woke up and realize what he s doing to his 2 girls and now he s workin so hard to get up with very lit help cuz he does not want to be in n-h and needs me more than ever . i told dad if you cant get up out of the bed then u should just stay in bed . i can only do so much then feels like my arms gonna break , my back oh my everything ,
if i had to take care of your father , i wouldnt be able to do it .
my dad doesnt get evil . he s like a lit boy needs a strong arms . well my arms not strong anymore haha . its like jellooo.
i am going to try to keep him a lit bit longer but if i go down then he will have to go to n-h ...
i dont think your mom wants to see you go thru all that . the lord will take him when his time is up . i keep askin my mom and my brother (both passed ) to come and take dad so he could be in peace . nope , lord is not ready for him i guess .
take care..

You are so lucky that he is sweet and has his mind about him--I could have handeled ANY physical issue---even lifting wouldn't be an issue because there are so many devices offered these days (plus he is a small man anyway) but dealing with a crazy person is the worst roll of the dice there is. He is defintely at the point he needs to be placed. I thought last year when he really snapped that it would only be a matter of a few months and that I could care for him. It's now a year and who knows how much longer(?). He has an appointment next week and I think I'm going to request that his doctor get the ball rolling.

Dear beyondfrustrated, hang in there, and keep the faith. Your Dad's physician may be your best source of help. So glad you can come here for support and counsel. Will be praying for you. Take care.

Roxie,
If your mother qualifies for services, you can get low or no coast help so many hours a week. Get a hold of senior services and see what is out there. You might be surprised to see what help you can get.

Beyond My dear it is time to place him-in my case I was waiting for others to tell it was time and was angery about that but when I finally stated it everyone in rehab agreed with me you need to think of yourself he can be placed close to where you live so you can go to visit him and also his friends if he has any no place is perfect and there will be problems from time to time but you can not keep killing yourself a lawyer told me 60% of caregivers die before the ones they care for and he will not fade away and die he will be unhappy for a while but they usually have activities at most NH's now and most residents are alright after about two weeks and remrmber they will use his money if he has any and then will be a on medicade and do not try to do that alone-it will drive you batty and the NH will want you to do it but if you don't they will do if fast because they will want the money and they have lawyers who can get it done fast- my lawyer had me pay a retainer of 5 hrs that means he could get it done in probably 2-3 hrs-my husband died before I had the appointment with social service but I had worked 3 full weeks all day getting papers together they wanted 3 yrs. of bank statements who saves them for 3 yrs-I just called an officeer of the bank and she got them for me. I only used 1 hr of the lawyers time now he is helping me with details of my husbands death-like getting 1/2 of his pension that the union tried not to give to me. Please please think hard about placement in the end you need to do what you feel is best and once he is there and after a while you change your mind you can bring him home for a few days to see how it goes and once you have medicade you can get help easier with out having to pay for it then if he was on medicare.

Good Morning everyone,
I have a task to do today. I will be discussing with mom about going to Adult Day Care one day a week. She is not going to like it at all. This is going to be a long day for me.
Well she is up now and I must go and fix her breakfast.

Keep in mind today, I hope I can convince her to go at least one day a week for my sanity.

Will be praying for you and your Mom, Roxie. Bless your heart.

My mom lives in a retirement community where they provide meals and transportation, but she refuses to take transportation, wants me to do it all. She cries and complains that no one likes her, but then we do spend time with her all she does is complain about how we don't spend enough time with her. She complains to my kids that they don't call... why would they want to?? all she does is tell them how bad they are for not wanting to spend time with her. Last night she called me to say that she was having a "heart attack". I said I would call 911 and meet them there to take her to hosp. She said no... (I'm sure it was an axiety attack, cuz she has those frequently).. and then she started yelling and going crazy cuz I wasn't coming over, even though she had just said that she didn't want me tocome over or go to hospital. I tried to talk calmly to her, telling her to calm down, take deep breaths, take a Xanax... but she begain screaming about how terrible I am, how Idon't love her... etc.. etc.. this goes on daily. I spend all day yesterday at her house, buying groceries, doing pills, emptying trash, doing laundry, but then last night, she tells me how much I hate her and how I never do anything for her. She is so angry, hateful and bitter.. I am so scared I am going to turn in to her cuz she makes me angry, hateful and bitter. She had a great life, but because of her, I have no life at all. Why doesn't God take her home, why do these angry, hateful people seem tolive forever? I feel that I will never have a life. My kids are 13 and 17 and will soon be gone, but I don't get to enjoy them, cuz she sucks all the joy out ofmy life!!
Please help.. I feel guilty when I'm not with her, but miserable when I am..
She has been like this for 20 years now, but it seems to get worse wtih each passing day.

Sounds like she lives in a pretty nice place and she just enjoys making you misserable
Get caller ID and don't pick up the phone when she calls. I'm sure if it were truly an emergency-the home would let you know.
Enjoy your kids and don't let her rule you.
She'll get the message sooner or later.

Agree, do not answer the phone. If you were not so available, she might stop or at least get the message!!!!

dedestock, a Social Worker told me to set the boundaries my Mom was not able to. The ladies here are right. I thought about putting a schedule in writing to give to my Mom. "Monday is shopping day at 5:00 pm, Thursday 2:00pm Dentist. Leave messages if you need something more, etc." You set the schedule, and limit your availability. Stick to it and be firm, unless it's an emergency. Above all, since her needs are met, take care of you!