Needing to vent: Our parents are like children.

David,
You are not obligated to care for your mom, but you do because you are a good person. We caregivers could never live with the guilt if we turned our backs; however, we are not doormats. Everybody who knows me knows that I think setting boundaries is so important. Set them, stick to them,and don't feel guilty. You need to take care of yourself, or you will not be able to care for her. Do things for yourself. When she lays the guilt trip at your feet, don't pick it up. If you have the money, hire help to give you the free time you need to keep your sanity. We sold mom's house, and I use the money to care for her. I have help 5 days a week from 4 to 6 hours each day and again Saturday nights. We worked long and hard to enjoy our golden years. I will not give them up!!!! My brother does the Sunday call and feels he has done his part. He is pathetic. Do you have power of attorney for finances as well as health decisions? Put yourself in the drive's seat and don't feel any guilt. Good luck
Linda

David-I am so sorry for all you are going through-maybe it is time to consider placing your Mother in a nursing home I know it is a hard choice to make but your are not responsible for paying for her care like I am as a spouse and it will continue to sap you of your health-I would go to see an elder lawyer and find out what her choices are hiring aides to care for her are expensive but she would have to use her assets if she has any and if not she would have to go on medicade and maybe be able to stay in her home if they would give her enough hours of help or if not a nursing home would be the only answer - I am going through that with my husband and he really needs to be in a nursing home because my health is not good and I can no longer be his main caregiver and will hire aides for 7 hrs. daily to begin with and have an appointment with an elder lawyer next week to consider medicade which I do not want to do but do not have any other choice at this point-he has been in rehab over 15 times in the last 7 yrs and does nothing to help himself. It is very hard if it is a parent or a spouse but it will not get any easier for you as you will see as you read the post on this site. Maybe if you tell your family all of this they will agree to al least help pay for care for her but it does not sound like that is going to happen so you will have to do what is best for you as no one else is suffering except you- you can be sure when she passes they all will be there to see what they can get-I do not want to sound mean but the husband only thinks of himself and does not consider what I have been through he even thinks I do not do much for him-it will be easier after you make a decision and do not feel guilty you need to think of yourself at least 30 percent of caregivers die before the ones they are caring for one lawyer told me it was 60 percent. Keep in touch.

Hello Everyone:

I enjoyed reading all of your postings and comments. I empathize and feel for all of you who are struggling with the pressure of being a caregiver and taking care of your parents. I feel like I wanted to vent and turned to this website to read what other people are going through in taking care of their aging parents. I recently have been put into a situation where I have to look after my 87 year mother who is living by herself for the first time in her life. I`m a middle aged single guy who is in a position of having to take care of my mother`s every need without any help from anyone else. My mother will not or cannot understand that I have my responsibilities and my own life. She thinks my life should revolve around taking care of her needs and keeping her entertained since she is very lonely living by herself. She is consuming my entire life. My sister who lives in another state rarely calls my mother and never comes home to visit (can`t afford it either). My brother calls my mother no more than once per week or every other week. He never stops over to see her and it seems he only sees his mother on the holidays. He will not help me out or get involved with helping my mother, or deal with these end of life issues. There is nobody else in the family that is in a position to help out. All of my mother`s needs and entire well-being are resting on my shoulders. I`m overwhelmed and getting sick of it. I know that I`m suffering from bouts of depression and sometimes I feel like I`m losing the will to live. I used to be sort of happy and productive but I feel like my life is being taken away from me. I have nothing to look forward to, not even my retirement. I feel like I will be going through this process for the next 10 to 15 years. I don`t even care about my life anymore, I feel like I`m in a trap that I can`t get out of. I don`t ever see my situation changing. There are no options, my mother has very little money, no close friends, doesn`t belong to a church and doesn`t have any social outlet except to call me everyday and consume more of my life. She wants me to come over and sit with her every chance I can, and take her shopping. The two biggest things in my mother`s life are television and Wal-Mart. I have tried endlessly to get my mother involved with a church or seniors groups or people her own age. She won`t do anything to help herself. I`m at the point where I either have to sell my house at a huge loss and move a long distance away from her and give up more of my life. The other options are much less favorable and I don`t even want to think about it. My mother is driving me crazy to no end. I try to be compassionate and understanding of her age and current situation but it`s getting more difficult. I`m at a loss as to know what to do. I have no options and my current situation will not change. I don`t see my friends as much as I use to. I`m not motivated to do the things I use to like doing anymore. I don`t have the time for the things I use to enjoy anyway. I`m not keeping up with work I need to get done around my house. A person shouldn`t want to see their mother pass away soon. But in all honesty, I hate my life, I`m sick of my mother and I`m completely tired of all this shit!

Good for you Linda, stick to yur guns girl! So glad to hear that you can enjoy the season with your hubby. Wow, that is one expensive MIL! Is she really worth it? LOL I plan on enjoying my summer with family as soon as we get back from the dreaded 2,400mile trip. Take Care all, and have a good day tomorrow.

Hey everyone!
Got a good one for you. My brother does nothing to help. Calls mom once a week, is putting a 75 thousand $ addition to his house for his Mother-in -law and the idiot had the nerve to ask me how much the sofa bed that I got for mom's apartment cost!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She paid for it for when we go away and she has a line-in. Mom wanted this total stranger to sleep upstairs in one of our extra bedrooms. I told her no way!! That is our private space. We have given up our privacy and independence for her; the upstairs is off limits. I hired extra help for the summer so that my husband and I can enjoy the season. I hope my bother has not started counting his inheritance, because there isn't going to be one!!!! Have a good night and thanks for being there!
Linda

Dear Micheleangel, It's always nice to stop by and hear other people's complaining instead of hearing my own.  That is good your dad is in a great place, hope he likes it.  Hope you get much needed relief with your mom.I managed to get yelled at again, this morning.  Dad is bound determined to make his last few days here a living hell for all here.  After telling him we were going to go shopping for some new things for his AL apartment, he yelled at me and told me I was the pain in the ass, I am the cause of ALL his problems.  Well, fine!  It's no wonder he doesn't have any friends left, or family who cares anymore.  I'm done being a doormat.  I have spent the last year cleaning up his financial nightmare  A man who was once, believe it or not worth a million dollars.  His problems have now become my problems, and they just keep getting worse.  I'm so sick of it!  He let himself be taken financial advantage of, and now it's all my fault he doesn't have a pot to piss in!  Well, he'll probably end up getting kicked out of the ALF eventually, so I 'd better find an alternate soon, just in case.   Tuesday is moving day.  I wonder what time I can move him in.  I'm waking his ungrateful ass up at 5:00am since he spends 45min to an hour in the bathroom every morning waiting for poop!  Then I can fill him up with a nice hot breakfast, just so he can yell at me some more, and then go spend an additional 45 min in the bathroom waiting for poop.  By then, we should be able to move him into the ALF.  We already picked up brand new furniture today, and it is loaded in the pick up, ready to go.  We got him a brand new leather recliner, flat screen tv, tv stand cabinet, dinette w/chairs, brand new box springs and pillowtop mattress.  You think expecting a "thank you" would be too out of line to ask for?  Dumb question, I know.  Dear Austin, I will never forget you, any of you, and I will check in still to see how you are all doing.  Austin, you are a remarkable, wonderful woman, and you are an example for us all.  I want to thank you all, for all of your support and encouragement, and non-judgement.  But Austin, as far as insight, I'm not sure I have any to give.  I have not been through the medicaid thing yet, but I'm sure I will eventually, and I can probably learn more from you, since you are going to be dealing with all of that shortly.  Next weekend I will be traveling the 1,200 miles one way to empty out dad's house.  My friend said she wanted to buy his little truck that has low miles, now she just informed me that she won't be, but MAYBE has a friend that might.  I don't want to haul a car back here, that I don't plan on him paying insurance and tags for.  The car is paid for, and is on his inventory report that I gave to the court.  If I have to give it away, then what?  I only have one week to do this, I'm praying for a miracle.  Most of the things will be given away, since I don't have the room for, nor can I afford to pay to have them moved, or stored.  It's never ending.

Nas- I hope you do not leave us completely I for one need your insite and your sense of humor-I am really going into unchartered waters looking into medicade but there is no way around it I can not take care of him 24/7 when he comes home in three weeks and we just can not aford the private aides for long-I really feel alone in this he the husband will not help in any way- he even got upset when I told him he could pack up his few belongings -he has 3 weeks and is being such a baby about things I hate being the stronge one all the time but that was the way I was raised so have to see this through-anyway please let us and esp. me know how you are doing I know it has been hard for you and I am so glad that things are going to get better for you and you will be able to have a normal life again- I do not know how that is after 17 yrs. of his caregiving please do not forget us dear lady- I probably will be penniless after all is said and done but the way things went down I have no choice but to go for medicade it is good I am thrifty besides strong and am blessed that I have been able to vent to all you dear friends for over a year.

HI Naus, I feel the same way at times about my Mom, I love her but she can really get to me some times.Like today I try to accomplish little things and can't get anything really done because of all the time I spend with her or telling someone else what to do for her , it's consuming.I'm hoping that now my Dad is in a really nice assisted living place I won't have to worry so much about him and I just got some help to come in (Mom lives with us) to our home every day for a few hours, so I hope that will help take some pressure off of me or I might just blow!!! Remember you can always stop by if you need to hear some "complaining" now and then...I wish you the best it was so nice meeting you even if it was a short time, take care of yourself, God Bless, Micheleangel

Gee Thanks Micheleangel, I feel guilty for feeling the way I do. Even though this evening he yelled at me for no reason that I know of, except I was trying to keep him from taking too many meds. I must monitor him, since I caught him trying to take his once a week med for osteo, the very day after he already took it. I keep him clean, warm, well fed, safe, and save him from further elder financial abuse, and this is the thanks I get. He was so sweet and smiling for the nurse at the ALF, and she thought he was so cute. I thought to myself, since you think he is so cute you can have him, cause I am well done. And I'm the one who feels the guilt. But he chose his way of living (alcoholism) over everything and everyone else. So why should I feel guilty? And yet, I do. I also feel sad that he is leaving, even though I couldn't wait for him to be out. Can anyone explain this to me? You dear friends have been wonderful and uplifting, I will truly miss you all. Hugs and Love to you and yours.

Hey Naus, You make me laugh!! God Bless you for what you do, your a trooper.

Okay, that does it! Stick a fork in me! Last night, dad says he did not want to eat dinner, because he cannot poop. This, I know for a FACT, is not true. He sits on the toilet for 45 min at a time waiting for poop, because his replacement physician told him to do that before bedtime to keep from pooping in the bed in the morning. Now he thinks he needs to do that all day long. I said dad, what do you mean you can't go poop. He said, well, I can't go diarrhea anymore. Well, I haven't gone poop today. I'm thinking praise the Lord, for small miracles. But yesterday, as I was putting him in the car to to go to his assessment for the ALF, he says, I need to go to the bathroom again. I said, you just went. Do you mean pee? He said no, poop. He said, I just went, and I have to go again. I said, well if you have to go then go. He said, no I'll just go in my pants. I said, I prefer you not to. He said, no I can wait. I just threw up my hands, and reminded myself, "only a couple more days of this". How the rest of you, my dear friends, deal with way more than this, is beyond me. Caregiving, is a definately a gift. And this is not one of my gifts. On top of the caregiving part, I have been dealing with the financial havoc for a year now, and I cannot deal with one more week of this before I end up in a mental facility or worse. Thanks for reading.

Hey Austin, I'm feeling for you, it's good you have a bit more time to get things organized before he comes home. I know it's hard, take care now.

I was told I had to take him home on the 4th but when I went to the family meeting they said he could stay until the 22nd which gives me more time to try to get medicade started and I did not tell the social worker that I cut the hours to 7 daily because I am sure it will take time to get on medicade and I wanted to have enough money for two months of private care this whole thing is very overwhelming and the husband will not assist-I took him in some rhubard I had cooked for him because he loves and over a week later he had not eaten it when I asked him why he said he could not get the top off-he would not ask anyone to do it-now he wants our son to change his days off to help he when he leaves and I said no- the staff can help me get him and his things into the car and the aide can be at our house when we get there-our son does so much for us if I can do things myself I do-the husband gave me such a hard time on the phone last night and then said he had to hang up because the nurse had come into the room-I guess she is more important than me so the next time he calls crying to me how bad things are I can tell him I have to hang up the cat just came into the room- now the social worker is upset because he is depressed and the head nurse is also after he left the meeting I said this part of bi-polor-I would rather have him that way than manic,-he is going to be loads of fun when he get home I am glad it is warm out so I can spend time outside or in our sunroom.

I don't get it! I took dad for his assessment at the assisted living facility. His assessment with the nurse went well, and he seems all together there. The minute I get him home, he loses all cognitive ability, and can barely walk. Oh, and he could hear her just fine, and now I have to yell, and repeat everything. This is driving me mad. Thank God he goes into assisted living on Tues, otherwise I might totally lose it. Sorry, just had to vent now.

Micheleangel,
You will know when you find the right place for your dad. My mom got a new knee 3 years ago. We sent her to a top of the line nationally know acute rehab place. Four days later, I had her taken out and back to the hospital. They ignored her underlying physical problem, and when I pushed hard, they checked her blood. She needed 4 transfusions and her blood count was a 6. Fourteen is normal!!!!! Go with your gut instinct. I have found it is never wrong. Good luck.
Linda

Hi all, I wanted to "vent" on this, well my Dad as you know is in skilled nursing for rehab for broken hip, they called yesterday and said they will be stopping therapy on Friday, which means he needs to leave this place and I have found a place for him if you remember that he can't go back to the assisted living place, or I should say I won't put him back there because 2 broken hips in less than 7 months!!! Well any how they said he needs 2 people to assist him now, I'm like wait a minute he was walking fine before this fall and according to the meeting with the surgeon the surgery is what he needs to be able to walk again. So somethings not right here. He is leaving rehab tomorrow and can't walk. I put in an appeal to extend his therapy for a while longer but the more I'm thinking of this I think he might not be making progress because he wants out of this place!!! He is not happy there I can tell it's the hospital environment that he doesn't seem to like (who does?). I don't want to go long on this but , that could be why he is not making much progress because he's not in pain and could walk fine before and he just had his check up at the surgeons and all is well there. If they do extend his therapy I don't think I 'll do it, I think i'll get him out of there and have therapy done at this new place, but here we go again moving poor Dad, I hate this. Sorry if I went to long, Peace.

Jerome,
I did not know that blood pressure meds make them pee more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for the info. I am going to talk to my mom's dr. about that. She is incontinent and wets the bed too. We have the pee pads from the Dr. Leonard catalog. Are the ones you have better? If so, I might look into that too. Thanks.
lovingdaughter

Dear Ish, you've been away for awhile, haven't you? Welcome back! You are so right. I think because they don't get told what to do, when to do it, etc. by the other family members who are not involved, it makes them seem so much nicer, than the ones who actually care the most. How sad. Take care all, and try to take care of you too.

mqflowers:

Combining my own experience ("Tough Times with 103 year old Grandma") with the stories I read on this site, I see that there are so many common themes which are probably inevitable.

You say "the caregiver thing makes you numb". Yeah, for some time now, I have felt like a paralyzed insect, all wrapped up and stupified in my grandmother's web. In the past, I have been a hotel manager (twice) and office manager for a medium size company, and I've also created some amazing computer programs. But now I get very little done other than my zombie caregiving duties.

I wasn't that way before.

Normally I would be very enthusiastic about health and nutrition - might even try a 3 month raw food experiment - exercise, beach walking etc. That is all gone now. (However I am about to try to regroup on this front - haven't given up completely yet)

I have only been able to work one year in the last 5 and that was the middle year of that period. At that time I was trying to help my grandmother with her vision problems and finally was able to drag her to an opthalmologist. Unfortunately her vision is poor and cannot be inproved by a new eyegalss prescription. No more Word Search puzzles for her. So what I did to compensate is splurge that year for Christmas and buy her a 46" plasma tv so that at least she can watch the Mass and game and cooking shows during the day. Expensive but she loves it.

The previous year I had purchased a pretty good quality home theatre system to boost the clarity and volume on the audio side. Her hearing isn't that great either.

Where my story ties into yours is that for Christmas that year she gave me half of what she gave her favorite granddaughter. Typical in-your-face behavior.

So the common theme here is that the relatives who are removed from the situation and do almost nothing are often idealized by the elder and regarded as wonderful, while the caregiver in the trenches is judged up close and found to be wanting. Horrible, but it seems most elders simply don't have the intelligence to understand the meaning of the "grass is greener" illusion.

I feel for every last one of you. This caregiver thing makes you numb. I was so pissed off yesterday, as it was my birthday and all my Mom said to me was "Happy Birthday."

I have to change her SH_T bag (colostomy) on a daily basis and that's all she seems to depend on me for. She did not even give me anything for my birthday, but gave my SIL $100 on her birthday and gave she and my brother $200 on their anniversary. Me and my husband get nothing from her and she now lives with us and we care for her, because my brother ended up back in jail. Both brothers are crack heads and she lifts them up to the ceiling. But me, she acts as if I am nothing.

As soon as I got in the house yesterday, my birthday, she started calling me and wanting me to do things. Then she said, "I smell something" and of course that was the cue to empty her bag. As my husband won't do that part of it, but he does the caregiving during the day. Then she wants to hug and kiss me, but never said anything about giving me anything for my birthday.

I've tried many times to spill my heart, talk to my Mom and tell her how I feel and how she does more for her sons than me and she says that she doesn't understand what I am talking about. It's amazing.

I am so sick and tired of being treated this way. I am bless to have my my own family (my husband and my kids), because if I didn't have them and God I would be crying everyday.

THIS IS WHY WE MUST TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES FIRST. ME AND MY HUSBAND GO OUT ON A DATE EVERY FRIDAY JUST TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE AND BE TO OURSELVES AND IT HELPS.

Jerome, wow its sounds like you are really on top of everything. It's good to hear other people's tips on caregiving it helps. Keep up the great work, and God Bless you!

Dear dancetoday, and sulynn, I posted to your walls, incase you don't receive notifications.

Micheleangel, you are so right. Getting help with the daily work such as bathing can make you a better caregiver because you aren't so fried and can relate to the person you are caring for in a more relaxed manner. You'll all benefit. It's the oxygen first rule - just like the airplane flight - taking care of yourself makes you a better caregiver. It's often extremely hard to do. I know that from my own experience. But for many of you, if there's even a change, grab it.

Carol

Neon, that "whews a lot" and " blows out these huge sighs" comments just about made me pee myself,lol.

What I have done with '7 day medicine pillboxes' is: place them one on top of the other to see how they sit best.
Put a double-sided piece of sticky tape between them to make them one.
Label one 'evening and the other 'morning. (also good to see through them-translucent)
This way you can see and control the meds. The supplies should be locked up in a lockbox or something.
Also print meds for each person, name, dosage, DR., and date. This makes it easy to print up and review should a new DR. want to review history or behavior with medications that may change over time.

Meg, I got a pee mat ('The Stabilizer Underpad) from the hospital that should last 10 years or so. It has a nylon plastic bottom and a absorbing top. Once I install a plastic cover/w/zipper and wrap it tight around the mattress and secure it with packing tape, then I put this mat on it, then make the bed as usual. When they pee, just put the whole shebang in the washing machine and remake the bed with new sheets and pad. The plastic wrap stays on the mattress and lasts about 2 yrs. When they take Hi blood pressure meds it makes them pee a whole lot more. When my mom would wipe out a bed every 4 hours or so for several years, I was frustrated to say the least. I created this system and it works. Pee all you can! 5 minutes and you'll have clean, dry, sheets. Of course you will need several sets ready to go. Jerome

Hi Michele,
You know what is sad? My brother will never feel guilt when mom is gone because he has no idea that how he is behaving is wrong!!!!!!!! Those of us who care are the ones who would feel just awful is we abandoned our parents. Dad died 4 years ago this August. He was 92, and my sister in law was a great help. But neither she nor my brother helped my mom. She was always my responsibility. My sister in law would take my dad to his dr. appointments, but not my mom. I lived 36 miles away, was working, and still drove to their house, did the shopping, cooking and took mom where she needed to go. Not sure why they thought she was my sole responsibility, but now that I have her, they take a no ee no think about attitude. But you are right, I sleep at night knowing that my husband and I are doing the right thing. Thanks for your kind words.
Linda

Hi Linda, I think what your are doing is a good thing. I am also taking care of my Mom she is living with us, and today I hired caregivers to come in several days per week also. It will help me out alot especially in the morning to get her up washed dressed and fed. If you can get help I say do it. I also have siblings that do nothing and that is hard to deal with but your just have to. I have been taking care of my parents for years, groceries, laundry, cleaning, cooking, Dr. Appts., you name it we did it, and still do for Mom, but as I have said before we won't have the guilt that they will have someday and for that I am so glad. Peace to you.

Hi everyone,
I am new to this question, but have so much to say! Don't ever give up your life for any reason. Set boundaries. If you don't set boundaries, no one will respect you and give you the courtesy that you deserve. You become a doormat! I set boundaries the moment that mom moved in to our home. I have caregivers who come about 4 to 6 hours a day four days a week. I also have a Saturday night lady so that we can go out. Mom pays for it. She also has a nurse 3 hours a week who does vitals and meds. My home, my rules. She pays room and board. We are not going into debt so that see can save money to give to my ungrateful bother. He does nothing, gets nothing. I may sound harsh, but I love my mom, but won't let her ruin my life and my marriage. So far after 3 1/2 years it is still working. We have our bumps in the road, but mostly it works. I keep my fingers crosssed everyday that she stays healthy and does not need additional care. Thank God she seems to be doing OK. With the Parkinson's, incontinence, and other problems, we still seem to be doing OK. Bless you all.
Linda

Sulynn, you have lots of company here! It's not selfish to want to be happy yourself. No one is happy all the time, but life should bring you some joy. I hope you can keep the romance alive if it's meant to be.
Carol

Dancetoday I know what you mean by taking care of everyone else but yourself I am famous for that one. I always want to make everyone else happy and have everything they need. But, is it selfish to ask when can I be happy when can I have my life I gave up my boyfriend of 9 years for my mom well, it was complicated now we live two states away and are somewhat back together but, im stuck here for now when do we get to be happy.

Sulynn, I know what you mean about getting mad at yourself for feeling that way. I do that, too. I tell myself that she is old, in pain, and lonely. I should just ignore the mean things she says to me. But I am only human and I don't get a lot of support or help from anyone and have my own problems. Sometimes I seem to take care of everyone but me. So yes, feeling such mixed feelings is normal, I think.