Needing to vent: Our parents are like children.

Hello All, it has been awhile since i have been able to post... my father went into the VA nursing home last month and past away within three weeks of being there. Although I had last posted that I was done with the medical care being taken care by me alone... I just couldn't see my father being there they way he was by himself. I ended up going to visit two weeks everyother day and the last week they allowed me to basically move in and be with him until the end. Had lots of family issues during this time as usual everyone wanted to control me, but I stood my ground as I was angry that out of 7 children left, my father only had three visit him in his last days. Ironically one of the children didn't even read my update emails and happen to have scheduled time off to come see him. The other daughter of course found time due to the facility was down the street from her. i know I should be grateful they were there, but right now I am so angry with all of the family as they all dropped everything 3 years ago when we recieved the same new on my mother. My father was distant with all of us, but I still felt he did the best he could and quite frankly did a great job considering he didn't really have a father while he was growing up. Now my sister and I are at odds over her deciding she wants to get in on the assets my father left and still sit on her butt about what needs to be done. My heart goes out to all of you still in the caretaking situation as now that I am done, there is a relieve on one hand and then I really miss my dad. So, do take care of yourselves because one day when it is over you may find yourself missing the routine and the craziness of your loved one. I also wanted to thank everyone for your support and input, truely I do not know how I would have made it through without you all. My thoughts and prayers are with you all

Hi Roxie. You have my heartfelt sympathies girlfriend. My parents moved in with my husband and I over 19 years ago. I witnessed my dad's decline, and death. Up until then my mother was vibrant, independent and alive. Since his death, she is a myriad of medical problems. I have given up a life outside of helping her. I can't work, but need the money, and my husband's business is suffering. My brothers live out of state and do nothing for me. My husband and I went to counseling because the stress was affecting our relationship and our therapist told us that my brothers should pay for us to go away one weekend every month, and pay for someone to come and stay with mom. I laughed at her, because that is the response I get from my brothers. I understand your sadness at watching the woman who raised you turn into a child that you now need to care for. All I can tell you is that you need an hour to yourself everyday. Go for a walk, telephone some old friends, read a book, or watch a TV program you enjoy. I also found that journaling helps. Sometimes writing your feelings down and expressing them on paper helps. Even if no one else hears or reads them. Look yourself in the mirror and realize that you are a wonderful daughter, and the love and the care that you are giving your mother will bring you memories and comfort long into your old age. Its tough, so when you need to - cry. I know my response is not timely, and almost a year late, but I hope you are still here, and reading the posts. If you ever need to talk to someone, let me know, and I will give you my email address. Hang in there, you are not alone.

I am losing it... & the medical establishment is also contributing... I only have known this man for 6 years. He is my birthfather. I can sympathize with those who are taking care of people who took care of them. But, when he turns on me after many, many years of care & a family that he gave more to than he ever did me. And he professes to "love" me... and then screams at me... I finally told him I am afraid of him & I can't live in a situation that I am afraid in. He llived in Las Vegas & was a casino manager all his life... I met him 2x. Once I told him of being afraid of him today... (he had all kinds of guns in his house... I sold all of them)... he had put a gun to his wife's head when they were both plastered) he stopped his wailing about his Chihuahua & went in his room & I guess went to sleep....

I just can't believe that after all these years these doctors will not give me respite, hospice or home healthcare ... but, if he goes in for the surgery... they'll have to... he barely made it through the bladder surgery. I felt so bad for him & cried ever since I found out about his lung cancer... but, after today, when he turned on me... and then was very nice to my cousin, like nothing was happening... I think I realize that I have been taken for a fool by a lonely old man who wanted someone to care for him til he died... sad but true... manipulating & sad... I am a giver... I am an enabler... and this is going to stop... he will go into a home or I will get help soon ...

This is my first time on the site and I have found it to be helpful. I recently started to care for my mother full time and she used to be independent and now she don't want to do anything for herself. She refuses to go to a doctor she assumes she is dying from lung cancer because she had cancer a few years ago. I can't get her to eat all she will do is drink ensure. It is so hard watching your mom kill herself in front of you and my children. I promised I would never put her in a home but, it is so hard to watch this sometimes I feel like I'm losing it.
Sulynn

My father has been diagnosed with Primary Lung Cancer. 2 days ago he had surgery for his renal cancer. They wanted to boot him out w/o any pain meds or a catherter. Needless to say, when he peed thick blood & wailed they gave him pain meds & a catherter & kept him overnight for obs.

When I picked him up, the nurse said "I don't think he has Alzhemeir's he just can't hear.... but, she asked me to sign him out & read everyting... " Why do I have to put up with this. Finally, now that Chris is about to face lung cancer, some people have come over to help... never before just me... but, my cousin after 6 years of me doing this all alone is coming for 5 days... I guess to say goodbye.

Today my father went nuts, I had to put his Chihuahua in the vet so that I could prepare the house (cleaning & everything)... his dog bites everyone & pees & poops everywhere. Chris started wailing that I took his dog away and he has nothing to live for anymore. (I've only known my birthfather for these horrible 6 years). When he 1st got here his wailing was the same about his dead wife. I am now deep in debt & these doctors will not OK hospice because they say at 80, with one kidney, Alzhmerier's, COPD, bladder & ureter cancer, a stint, he can survive the Lung Surgery. So I am waiting until Tuesday when we have the consultation w/ the Thoracic Surgeon to see if Chris is well enough for the surgery & if he wants it. If not, I am going to finally get some help in hospice. In the meantime, I'm afraid his elder rage is getting so bad that he will stab me while I'm sleeping.... my health is really going down & I've lost my health insurance due to not being able to work. I have put my foot down about Pepe... he bites & he has to stay out of the house til I get it clean if hospice comes in... also, my nerves are on the very edge... thanks for letting me vent...

Thanks everyone for venting for me. I wish I had time, but I'm on a numb run... Kinda like a dead run, but I'm not dead. LOL Dad got into altercation with man at Nursing Home today, and Mom with a Social Worker, Physical Therapist and electric cart at the grocery store. Me, I'm the Fiesty Firstborn! See ya...great vents!!!

Yeah Naus when I get done with these two jobs I'm going to be the next Phyllis Diller instead of having killer I'll think of something I assure you glad tomake you laugh I try to do that all the time just not everyone either has a sense of humor or finds my humor sick or sarcastic or insensitive but what they don't realize is humor comes from pain, sometimes I just crack me up. and thats the truth!!

Thanks Carol, you're great! Neon! You are so funny! Thank you all for understanding our need to vent. It is so important, and to be able to vent here without being judged, is more helpful than yelling at our loved ones. Then we can get back to the business of caregiving, in a much better mood, and not take it out on those we love most. Love you All!

Naus, that is truly frustrating. I've had that happen, too. I'll let the tech people know. They are working on quite a few things. I find it's good to copy what I write before I submit, just in case, but this sounds like it happened while you were typing. I'll pass it on.
Carol

Don't ya just love it when that happens. It depends on how bad I have to vent but I got the gist of it, mine is the same way its how they are built. Everyonce in awhile mine blows up and I'm ready to walk never have its been 38 years he's always been there but I guess that's his way of venting. We are the closest thing to a venting machine. just don't get any candy or soda LOL Take it in stride girl ask him to find someone to sit with the person you are caring for and the two of you will go fishing. see how that works. Let him get some big strapping bouncer from the local pub to come in for a afternoon that should scare the Hell out of somebody. LOL

What the HELL just happened? 99.9% of my vent was just lost!!!!! This is so frustrating!! I'm not going to re-type it all. I'm so upset, this was such a good vent too. I just vented to myself, and that's it! UGHHHHH!!!!!

I have a husband. Supportive? When it suits him sometimes. I just keep getting reminded daily, of how this caregiver business has been keeping HIM from doing the things HE wants to do. I want to ask him, how many snowmobile trips he has taken with our daughters, and how many fishing trips he's taken with my daughter, son-in-law, etc. Then, I want to ask him how many things have I done? ZERO, ZIP, NADA, 0, -0-, however you write it, or say it

Good advice, mq. Yes, she'll just have to be upset. Thank God for you supportive husband.

Carol

You must take time out for yourself as no one else helps us. I thank God that I have my husband to assist or I'd be lost. Get out, find a church home, enjoy your life. As nothing we do for them will matter anyway, so therefore we just need to ensure that they have food, stay clean and have a roof over there head. God knows what we're dealing with and I believe that He knows that we're doing the best that we can do.

Please take time out for yourself and don't allow your mother to stop that. My Mom seems to get upset when me and my husband go out, but oh well. She'll just have to be upset. I am no longer going to let her get me upset.

mqflowers, I can identify, if it makes you feel any better I am going thru the same thing. Now my mother lives in her bedroom. she comes out only to go to the bathroom and fix herself something to eat and talk about Lazy she can walk just fine when we go to the store when she wants to go to the store, things she just doesn't want to do she just hands to me and says get this or do this. At home she walks like she's on eggs hold her back complain about pain just so she isn't asked to do anything. She now does her laundry on saturdays because she knows with me working full time that is the most convienent day for me to do laundry, she won't let the dogs out so I have to run home everyday on my 30 min lunch break to do this. Her room is still stacked with boxes and all kinds of crap and its been that way for a year when I say something its I've been so sick she's been sick since I was 6 and I am 60 now. The frustration is so great. No one seems to understand or care they do not realize the stress dealing with this 24/7 I am not a happy person and I miss myself as well. My husband is out on the road so when he comes in he doesn't want to go anywhere even tho I've all but begged him to spend time with me. I am a very lonely person so Ihave my pc which I would rather do than any of the things I used to do I don't even want to clean house anymore because my mother is such a pig. I always had a nice home but she has ruined the counter tops cabinets are all banged up its like she does this stuff on purpose. Yes, there are two other siblings just like yours. They don't like her but they are the bomb. So need to get my act together and no matter how tired I am after work I am going to do a room a night and go out on sat and sun and find people who enjoy doing the things I do I can't stand it any more and at this rate she is going to outlive me I am worked to death she is preserved. She goes on and on about the three pills she takes, I take 9 what does that tell you. I have thought about going to therapy but if I can't change the situation without her help which she thinks the situation is just honkey dorey because she has everything her way. I am so sorry I said I would let her live with me I thought we would finally have that mother daughter relationship. well it is never going to be so I don't care what she wants anymore and I don't care if she's happy and I don't care if she's taken care of I will do what is necessary and than live my life I have been taking care of my mother all my life, My grandmother, her mother used to say to me always take care of your mother, she must have known something I didn't but do now she isn't all there. She knows everything and knows nothing has no common sense, asks the stupidest questions and I don't care anymore if she gets upset she will get over it she doesn't care about my feelings one bit. and I do mean that literally, she doesn't even care if I eat when i had to come home from the hospital just made herself something to eat and flopped down right next to me and ate it and didn't even offer me a glass of water when I couldn't move around I do not like selfish people. well guess I rambled on enough but do no you are NOT ALONE.

I am a little frustrated and stressed. My Mom seems to be getting worse day by day. She ask like a baby and she's very demanding at times. Wants to know my every moves, where I am, etc. Now she says that she wants to die. I told her that she shouldn't talk like that, but if that's what she wants that there's nothing that I can do about it. Then she looks at me like I'm crazy for making such a statement.

It seems that nothing we do is every enough for her, and we're the only ones doing for her (me and my husband). My two sorry brothers don't do anything. She even called one of them to tell him to call her to wish her a Happy Mother's Day. How pathetic. But these are the ones that get the glory, and that's why I have to continue to do all unto God and not man because man will mess you up every time.

Me and my husband have a date night once a week, and she asks as if we need to be home with her 24/7 and I am not willing to do that. I feel that as long as she's being taken care of that's all that matters. I am not going to allow her to disrupt my family outings, etc. As we do need time to ourselves as well.

When she doesn't want to do something then she starts getting upset, and when I try to talk to her about being mobile she also gets upset. I believe that she's being extremely lazy and that she can do some things but just doesn't want to.

I am really frustrated with my Mom at this point.

Carol,

Do you think that some of the depression is almost grieving over who your parents once were? I found that I kept wanting them to be who they were. Once I accepted their changes, it seemed that some of my depression lifted. At the same time that I accepted their changes, I began to see my responsibilities different and was able to realize I could not be all things and sought more help.

Mary

PS, Kathy. I would suggest getting yourself to a doctor to talk about depression. Many caregivers suffer from depression (understandable!). Medication and/or counseling can help.

Take care,
Carol

Hi Kathy,
You are right that you could get sick. You need to find resources to get some help for yourself, and a good start is to vent, as you are here. Isolation is a huge issue for caregivers, and knowing they are not alone is a first step. Then, you address each issue step by step, all the time remembering that you are as "valuable" as the person you are caring for.

Take care Kathy, and keep coming back to post. There are changes to the site in the works that will hopefully clear up some confusing issues.

Carol

HI ROXIE, I AM NEW TO THIS SITE, AND TRYING FIND MY WAY AROUND. I THINK I WROTE MY STORY, ON "MY WALL". STILL CAN'T FIND IT. I JUST READ A FEW OF YOUR POSINGS, BUT YOU ARE SAYING THINGS I AM FEELING. I AM TAKING CARE OF MY 88 YRS OLD MOTHER, WHOSE DEMENTIA IS GETTING WORSE AND WORSE. MEAN, NASTY, DEMANDING, SCREAMS AT ME, SHAKES HER FISTS, ETC. SHE ALSO HAS A PROBLEM WITH WALKING. SHE CAN WALK, BUT SHE NEEDS A WALKER TO HELP HER WITH HER BALANCE. MY MOTHER RE-MARRIED AFTER MY FATHER PASSED AWAY MANY YEARS AGO, AND IS NOW MARRIED FOR THE SECOND TIME FOR 20 YRS. HE HUSBAND IS 97YRS OLD. HE IS PRETTY GOOD FOR 97, BUT HE IS 97, AND BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM, AND THE MULTITUDES OF STORIES I CAN TELL YOU, I CRY ALMOST EVERYDAY, WONDERING WHAT DID I DO. I HAVE 3 SIBLINGS WHO WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH THEIR CARE. THEY WANT TO LIVE THEIR LIVES AND NOT HAVE TO THINK OF MY MOTHER AND THEY DON'T. I AM NOT AN ONLY CHILD, BUT I MIGHT AS WELL BE ONE. ABOUT 2 YRS AGO, THEY MOVED FROM N.Y. TO N.C. WHERE I LIVE. IT WAS MY STEP-FATHERS SUGGESTION, AS I THINK MY MOTHERS BEHAVIOR WAS GETTING SO BAD, HE THOUGHT SHE SHOULD BE CLOSER TO ME. MY MOTHER AND I HAVE ALWAYS HAD A CLOSE RELATIONSHIP, AND SHE WAS ALWAYS A VERY SWEET PERSON. NOT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!! HE CAN ALSO DRIVER YOU INSANE. HE HAS MACULAR DEGENERATION, HAS HAD A BYPASS, AND WHILE HE WAS IN N.Y., MOST RECENTLY AS TWO YEARS AGO, HE WAS DRIVING. I DID IT ALL. SOLD THEIR HOUSE IN NEW YORK, FOUND THIS BEAUTIFUL CONDO, WITHIN STEP OF A SHOPPING CENTER SO THEY COULD KEEP SOME OF THE INDEPENDENCE. ALL THEY DO IS COMPLAIN, COMPLAIN, DEMAND, ETC. I HAVE A GREAT HUSBAND, AND HE HELPS ME SO MUCH WITH THE TWO OF THEM, BESIDES LISTEN TO ME, AND AS I SAID, I HAVE MANY MELT DOWNS, AND CRY AND CRY. I HAVE KILLED MYSELF TRYING TO PLEASE THEM, AND NOTHING WORKS. I STARTED TO GET SOME OUTSIDE HELP, BUT THAT WAS A JOB TO CONVINCE THEM. I AM SO WORN, TIRED, DON'T EVEN CARE IF I SEE ANYONE. INFACT, I AM KIND OF ISOLATING MYSELF. WHY, I REALLY DON'T KNOW, MAYBE I DON'T WANT TO BE AROUND ME THESE DAYS, WHY WOULD ANYONE ELSE. HAVE SO MUCH MORE TO TELL, BUT IT IS GETTING LATE. SO GLAD I AM ABLE TO TALK TO PEOPLE. MAYBE I WILL GET SO IMPUT AND SUPPORT TALKING TO EVERYONE. THOUGHT I WOULD START WITH YOU ROXIE, AS YOU SAID A FEW THINGS THAT HIT HOME. I AM NOT SURE HOW TO USE THE SITE. I AM JUST FEELING MY WAY AROUND. I DID FILL OUT A PRFILE, AND ACCORDING TO JEROME, WHO USES THE SITE, HE SAID I PUT IT ON "MY WALL", WHICH I STILL CAN'T FIND EVEN WITH HIS HELP. WOULD LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU. I AM GOING TO START GOING TO A SUPPORT GROUP ONCE A MONTH FOR DEMENTIA AT A SENIOR CENTER. I HOPE IT HELPS. I DO NOT HOW TO HANDLE THEM, AND I FEAR I AM GOING TO GET REAL SICK. NOT SLEEPING, EATING, DON'T CARE TO DO ANYTHING. HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU.

KATHY

Roxie

Hi Mary,
You've got a lot of insight. One of the problems is that we are always our parents' child. So, reading your mother's body language as irritation with you (because of the past) was natural. How good it was that your were able to express it the way you did. Thanks for passing on the link.
Carol

Hi Carol,

We cannot be super human, I've tried. All it got me was super-stressed. I don't know about others, but when I'm super-stressed, I misconstrue things and read people's body language more than I should. I have had to learn to force myself to breathe deeply and realize my parents have changed. Certain body languages my Mom once used that I knew indicated irritation with us kids, is not necessarily irritation with me now.

In fact, I saw this vicious cycle yesterday when we were discussing some yearly paperwork that has to be dealt with. She claims she doesn't recall it and I was trying to remind her of it somehow. That irritated body language started emerging and I jokingly told her not to get irritated with me. She was shocked that I thought that. She explained she was just frustrated because she can't remember, not mad at me in anyway.

I read an article not long ago that helped me a bit when Mom forgets.
Hope you all have a great day! Mary

Anne, I have no problem with youposting first, I look to you for inspiration and answers. I know none of us are perfect, some think that those that go to church think themselves perfect LOL that is not my case Look who Jesus spent time with. I go to church to be uplifted, to praise God and all he has done for me and to give me strenght and guidance and wisdom and patience. This person was from church and said I need to watch my humor because I am accountable for everything that comes out of my mouth. This I know I do repent I do pray but I do think God knows my heart and he knows when I am joking and when I'm not did God give us our sense of humor to cope or put people down How do you use your humor I use mine to cope so I know not to ever joke around this person again, they say silence is golden duct tape is silver need to buy a case I think. thank you I know we are all struggling and doing the best we can. thanks for answering

You are right, Mary. We try to be super-human and our bodies and minds do rebel. I'm so glad you find some relief here.
Carol

I believe that the job of caregiving can push a saint to exhaustion. The tasks are usually 24 hours a day, often thankless and yet caregivers push on. Thank goodness for sites like this where caregivers can vent.

Hope you don't mind me responding here, first. Yes, I complain, too. I am ashamed by some of my posts, and regret some of the things I've written. I guess that is conviction, and God working on me. The focus is Caregiving. I fail miserably at times. I am human, with human emotions, and I am a sinner, but saved by God's grace. I need to ask forgiveness of those I've led astray and confused, and from God, and I repent, and seek his forgiveness. He is faithful when I am not. He leads, guides and directs us, and I don't want to be a stumbling block to any. I'm not superhuman or superspiritual. In fact, I fall short, often. You have all been an encouragement to me in this journey, and I pray that I can encourage you as well. Please forgive me when I fall short. I read the Bible, but don't always walk in his way. I am no different than some of you, in that we are all just doing the best we can at the moment. Thank you for helping me along the way, and feel free to correct me when needed. I know God is. Thank you for loving me in spite of myself, as I look to love and help my parents. To God be the glory. Thanks, Anne

please see the new post on my wall in profile I don't know how to start a new thread. but need a few answers. thanks Cuz I sure don't want to make the Lord mad at me. We all complain are we supposed to Anne you seem to be the best versed in scripture than the rest of us but you complain to. So I am very confused this morning. And of course, being human I don't like to be critizied may be because that is the only feedback I get in the real world. Not alot of love in my little world just a lot of work. But let me know your reply on my post thanks neon

Eight siblings and you, csabalas, are "picked" by the family. You have done an amazing job of "attitude adjustment." I do hope some of the family relieves you on occasion. You can bet one thing. When your mother dies, they will have more grief, because they will have guilt. You will grieve but be able to know you did your best. Take care,
Carol

Roxie - you have to vent - and you have to have a little support from others. My husband will come home some nights and tell me to get out of the house. Sometimes I will go walk at the mall - sometimes I will just drive around with my favorite CD. It is just that little break that I need. Although I am very lucky as my Mom depends on me for everything except she can feed herself - she is not demanding. She does have her good days