Needing to vent: Our parents are like children.

Neon,

We all need to do what is best in our situation and for that I admire you!

Genny

MindingOurElders.. unfortunately some see this as me being cold hearted, which i assure you is not the case, she is not happy, she has never been happy anywhere you know the old saying the grass is greener on the otherside until you have to mow it!! she won't be happy back there either but I am so stressed trying to be happy myself and everyone has seen the change in me miss doom and gloom from a very happy person, joking at appropriate times, laughing right out loud, so I am glad she has made this decision. I need some time to enjoy my life to I think I am not being selfish as some suggest, but it's easy for someone to point their finger at you when they haven't lifted one to help and as I like to point out to them when you point your finger at me you are pointing four other ones at yourself, lots of points there girls. I am so happy for you Genny that you do love your mom so much perhaps that is why I can do this I don't feel that connection I am a mother and the connection to my son although he is all grown up is so intense there has never been that feeling for my mother since I was 6 years old and I can pretty much trace back to the day I stopped loving her and it only got worse from there but she is my mother and I will make sure she has everything she needs but I can't live her life and mine at the same time and she has to depend on herself get a personality and reach out to the other elderly she is going to be living around, she never understood that doing something for someone felt so good. I do it all the time it's part of my fabric but it sadly isn't hers. Maybe NAW I said that when she moved in with me she won't change if she does great but NAW

You can be strong it's call self preservation or survival, sometimes a person can just suck the life right out of you and they say vampires aren't real bah!

I am so relaxed since she told me she was moving it's not funny its like if I let go I can sleep for ten hours instead of the usual five and run thru the house in my skivvys if I want or watch my own tv or eat something I shouldn't goodness knows she sure has. but don' t let me do it because if I cash out before she does what in the world will she do?? oh my ! This is best for all concerned and for those who think I am cold that is their problem for those that know me personally they understand 100 percent as they have seen with their own eyes how things are.

Roxie,

Might I suggest a DVD you might borrow from the Department of the Aging? Accepting the Challenge. Watching this it hard but you will understand what the person with Alzheimer's is going through. I have tried to get my siblings to watch the DVD but they simply won't. You do NEED a break from time to time and there is respite care available if family members are not. Don't feel guilty. The other thing I wanted to suggest to all of you...I scrapbook and in doing remember so many good times. Also, if we are frustrated with seeing our loved ones declined, how do you think they must feel? Find joy in the day to day precious moments with your love one. I do understand because I have been there and at times feel the same as you. Just keep doing the best you can. I love my Mom so much words cannot express my feelings sometimes I just give her a big old hug or just hold her hand and she responds.

God Bless All of YOU.

Genny

I hope i'm that strong when the time comes to move my grandmother. if i don't mover before time. LOL Hold your guns Neon. please check in and let us know how things go. God bless you

BGB

Congratulations, Neon! You are standing up for yourself in a way you need to. You're a good example of "caring for the caregiver" under a very difficult situation.

Carol

Hello all thanks for the good wishes and love. Well, she has made her decision she is going to move. Back to the same place she came from that she made up the story about the men and the bands. Oh boy, last night she said what do you think I said I don't think nothing, its got to be your decision. she said okay than I'm moving Oh boy!! So she hasn't packed the first thing yet and already its her pain and whew if I hear whew one more time I'm going to throw up. I said you know you always think of your self, what about my pain I am the one who is going to be doing most of the work, get the boxes, make all the calls get everything set up do the majority of the packing, move the crap, unpack the crap, get rid of the boxes, get you set up, go home and put my house back in order, how many times have i moved you in the last three years this will be the third time give me a break lady.

But I feel like a weight has been lifted off my sholders, there will still be rules and unless it's an emergency I am sticking to them. next to her phone will be a white board with all the phone numbers she can call the pharmacy to deliver her meds, I will take her shopping twice a month, pop in occasionally and to her doc appts. Thats it. I'm not going over board anymore to be the "perfect" hahaha daughter. All of a sudden she likes my dogs she's making over them. Let her see how lonely it is she said she doesn't like it when I have people over because she is always in pain I said well I'm not going to roll over and play dead. So this is a good thing at least for me it is and she will not come back next move will have to be N.H. or another sibling. I've done my share and its been enough especially emotionally and mentally and physically. Thank you all for being here for me I will still check in.

Neon that sounds like the lady in my house, i have donr the same thing, i'm sorry to say thats only going to last for a little bit, then she'll be right back at it as soon as she thinks you've gotten over it. My grandmother told me to find her a place i bought home a list of about 8pages, she ripped them up and told me i she'd call the police if i did and i could not put her out she would tell them lies on me if i did. I have other family member that have big nice homes, but no one will take her home with them, not ever for a few day. they will come visit every few months or so but that it.(for an hour are so) what's up with that how come i stepped up to the plate to make sure she's taken care. Heres the funny thing she can't remember anything when you ask why did you do that are how come you didn't do that, answer is i don't remembe. But she keeps an eye on those DEPENDS she counts those and make sure she ask me everyday do i have any depends. she can't remember if she took her meds.did she eat, who called.

so Neon hang in there your not along. As i've been told many time our blessing is coming. I just hope someone takes care of me as good as i am taking care of her.

BGB

Neon - first, I'm sorry about your tech troubles. That is frightening, as well as frustrating and inconvenient. I'm glad you are on top of it.

Your comment that, "sometimes we have to call their bluff" is right on. You are doing well.

Hang in,
Carol

Firstborns to the rescue...for such a time as this! Have a great day, everyone :), no matter what birth order you are. God doesn't call the equipped, but equips the called. Thank him for his blessings in the midst of trials. Take care.

Susan, I just love humming birds have had my feeders out a few weeks now but haven't seen one of course, haven't had the time to sit on front porch but it looks like somebody is feeding. What a great experience, One time I had a butterfly kiss my cheek. I took it as a sign from God. I had been trying to get pregnant for 10 years with several operations and guess what I did. God is all around us.

Anne, so glad I made you smile, I like to do that. yes, sometimes we just have to call their bluff. I just received a call from the place she used to live at they no longer take people on a fixed income as little as hers when she was there before she had renters relief but they don't do it anymore so I know right now there are no openings at the other two and if they don't take renters relief or state assistance than she can't move. I just noticed you are a firstborn me to. Onward we go sometimes we just have to put it right out there on the table and or in their court as it were and see what happens. will stop in later I really have to do some work now LOL

Dear Susan, thanks for sharing a little sunshine with us! God made the creatures to be so amazing. Hope you have a great week! Blessings, Feisty Firstborn (Anne)

I know this is a place to vent but I just had to tell yall what happen just an hour ago. I was outside watching my beautiful hummingbirds feed. I notice one sat on my feeder for a long time and then suddenly he fell. I was talking with my best friend and she told me to pick him up and put him in a little nest so he could rest. So I came inside with him in my hands and got a cool whip bowl and some washcloths and put him in it. I then went outside and sat the bowl down and was going to take a picture and he flew off with gusto. That was such an amazing feeling. I just had to share that with everyone.

Susan

Well, Neon, you've done it again! Made me smile :-) and I thank you, because I needed that. You helped me get off to the right start by your post. I like your thinking about following through with your Mom. I think I'll do the same with mine. I have been exploring options, and even started filling out applications for housing for her, but her health care emergencies keep derailing my good intentions and efforts. She agreed upon this very beautiful, really expensive, far away place, but can't afford it. So, I'm still shopping. I love that part you wrote: "It has to be her decision, not mine."

Neon, if you don't quit sneezing, we'll have to change your nickname to: Puddles. LOL! Hope you have a wonderful day! Love, your secret admirer and friend, Anne

Good morning, oh what a week end I told mom right away that I called three apartment complexes and would be hearing from them probably today. Her first reaction was " what you want to get rid of me" I said no, But I think you will be happier in your own place, We will make sure you have everything you need furniture, utilities, etc. You keep saving the boxes you keep saying your would like to have your own apartment again so perhaps you are right. Well, all week end she was so helpful and I let her to. After each meal she cleaned up all the dishes straightened up the living room even talked to me sweetly and thanked me at times calling me hon. She realizes she cannot live alone. She can't cook so who will feed her. Some times you have to call their bluff. I am not putting up with a lot of nonsense and I've let her know on numerous occasions, she always comes up with some sort of tale and thinks I'll fall for it. She may well want to move I don't know, she doesn't even tell anyone when a light bulb is burnt out I guess she thinks I'm a mind reader by this point. If she continues as she was this week end she is more than welcome to stay. But after I get the calls I will make appointments for her to view the apartments and she can decide, it has to be her decision not mine. She has never made a honest decision in her life. This will be a good test for her. I go to church to get my heart and head straight and usually in 2 minutes I've lost it. This week end that did not happen so you see she can be reasonable mentally she is capablem physically she is capable of some things, I am not asking her to be a live in house keeper but to live there I do expect her to clean up behind herself and help with the things she can manage. To be a part of the family not anti social , she is like that even with me. It drives me crazy because I am a giving loving person it doesn't take much to motivate me into doing somehting special for someone I keep trying to tell both her and hubby that its like you have to lead them by the hand, no offense to anyone born in November because I know that doesn't matter, but as it would happen both my husband and mother were born in November so I call them the November people.

On a funnier side NOT SO FUNNY REALLY someone hacked into my pc last night and I worked for over 3 hours this morning restoring it but it is back up and running just have to reload lots of my programs again. So starting out with a fresh start and thats fine. at least its working I would be in dire straights with out that I play neopets and am a guild owner so people are relying on me for that , that is one of my many escapes. I got a cold started at noon yesterday, must have sneezed 25 times in a row to begine with still sneezing but I sneezed somany times I peed my pants. How sweet is that? Than my left leg and foot went to sleep without telling me, when I stood up to walk the top of my foot went underneath my foot and something cracked, nothing broken just a bruise covering the entire top of my foot with some swelling, the pain has pretty much gone away but it is still swollen, but will get better. so that was my week end

I thank you all for being here such encouragement and love for each other, funny the name of my guild is those were the days the theme give peace a chance. its all about the sixties. trivia games and such. With God as my Pilot I put it all into his hands which is hard to do when you have been taking care of people and making their decisions for them for all your life but learning and Christianity is learning experience it will not ever stop being so. You all have a good day. Neon

Dear friend, Austin, so sorry to hear about your husband. Seems there's a lot of that going around... Sin, I call it! I am praying for you. And I'm praying for myself and Mitzi and others. So many hurting people. My Mom is hurting, and lashing out at those who want to help. She is making herself and others miserable. I don't want to park there. I am going to ask God's help to see beyond that, and quit reacting to her outbursts. She has choices to make, and needs God's help. I have choices to make as well. I choose the cross, and I'm going to church today, and lay all my hurts and disappointments there, and ask him to help me see things more through his eyes. I will continue ministering to my mom as if it's Jesus himself. One day I want to hear, "Well done my good and faithful servant..." I pray for my Mom's anger, that she, too, will go for the healing that only God can give. Bless you Austin. Take care of you.

Anne-I know what you mean the husband treats me like crap and when someone is around he is the jolly green giant-my therapist said it is a personality disorder-you think- very few people see this side of him except he does put me down in public esp. with my family-so he is not invited to my brothers' house anymore-I have a ball without him. When he had a beard people said he looked like Burel Ives- then I read that Burel Ives use to beat his wife and kids.

Austin, hopefully my Mom won't have anymore surgeries, but thank you for that great advice. Unfortunately, my Mom's problem is not isolated to one single event, but a lifetime of anger and control issues. She's always bitter, and has angry outbursts on a very regular basis. She loves controlling others with her moods, whining, complaints, demands, and "needs," real or imagined. No grace, except the public face she shows to others (clubs, church, etc.), and to family: ugliness and expectations. It's awful, but "normal" for her. Hard for all of us to deal with. Sorry, just venting again. Some day this all will pass. Till then...???

God bless you Barbees. So sorry to hear about your brother, your Mother, your siblings, and your loss. Will be praying for you and your Mother, and that God can heal all that fighting, anger, unforgiveness, and comfort you in your grief. Take care of you, and bless you for looking after your Mom. In compassion and love, A

Dear ladies, you are all so special. It's funny how a group of "strangers," who did not previously know each other, can form a loving bond. There's so much love here. We are all blessed to have each other, and share our feelings, ideas, and frustrations. I am thankful for this site, and for each of you and each special lady, none excluded. What a gift!!! Thank you Austin. Praying for you Neon, Denysa, Carol, Austin, Betty, Roxy, Kaybe, et al...

Hi Everyone, This is Barbees. I thought I would let everyone know that my big brother passed away Monday morning. He had brain cancer. Now we are down to two siblings instead of six. When I was calling the rest of the family, my older cousin said that she would call everyone in her family except her little sister. I asked why and she said that when their parents died she ( little sister) went in and threw away a lot of family photos so now they aren't talking to each other. I just went unglued. I told her that what had happened is in the past and cannot be changed,and that they ( everyone that is fighting with each other) should take a look at my situation and should stop all the fighting because someday there maybe no siblings left.Mom is really lost right now. Gary was her first born. Now all that is left is me #4 child and my little sister # 6 child. Well mom just went out the door so I'd better go keep an eye on her.

Neon you suggestion to start reading the Bible is good we read 3 chapters each week in church I even got a bible that you can read in one yr-just have to find but I will start today with Acts. I also felt I could not help anyone else at this time and hope I did not let others down-you all have it much worse than I do but I do think of all you every day. Anne if your Mon has to have more surgery have them give her a pre-op med I always get freaked out before surgery in the O.R. and told the doc this time and he put something in my IV and I was asleep before I got in the or and did not wake up until the recovery room and it was much easier this time, NEON I am glad you took action -sometimes that is what you have to do to save yourself.

Carol, thank you for reminding us to keep a good attitude. You even lifted my spirits!

Wow! You said a lot, Neon. I got yours and Naus's names mixed up, but yes, I was talking to you, Neon. Sorry. I hope things work out well for you and your Mom, and you and your husband. You're going through a lot right now with your Mom, and perhaps change is best for both. Keep us posted.

I am so grateful for all the lessons. I am depending on God alone, and hoping he directs in my Mom and Dad's circumstances. No depression medications for me, for God is my help. He has done miracles for Dad, and now Mom, and they don't even know it. I am just grateful that he answers prayer. Mom is now Cancer free, and still living independently. If only she's quit sniping and blaming others, and get over her bitterness and anger. But this is a lifelong pattern. I choose to live thankful and grateful for all he's doing. Some just don't get it. Will Mom ever??? God just saved her from worse cancer symptoms, but all test results came back negative. If she had a more positive outlook, perhaps she could be free of her other symptoms as well. Something for us all to think about!

As I read more and more of these comments I'm thinking that taking care of Mothers must be far harder than taking care of the Fathers, do you all think? It sounds as if the narcissiam shows up in both genders but perhaps Mothers have a greater independance than the Fathers do, thus giving you poor caregivers such stress. I know my Father often talks about being able to take care of himself on his own, but he knows and I know that he cannot do it. He's very OK with letting me do EVERYTHING for him. Just this morning I decided to test his willingness to care for himself and I intentionally did not prepare his breakfast for him. He came out, took one look and saw no cereal prepared and turned around and then asked me if I was feeling OK. Can you believe it! It's just soooo comical sometimes. You've got to laugh because sometimes they really are just too clueless. Anyway, thanks Carol for the sweet message and Neon, I feel for you and I hope that your situation improves in any way that benefits you. I have done countless hours of research in the help department. I don't need temporary help...I need a BREAK! Hang in there my Friends. Writing to you all really seems to help me right now! Thanks :) D

Hi Anne and D, Neon here I think or I hope you were talking to me Anne and not Naus. I have three bites on a one bedroom apt for my mother, she sure will be surprised when I tell her tonight they are all for fixed income and I can get her doctor to write her up a form so a nurse assistant can come once a week to clean her house etc although she is very capable of cleaning it up after herself but she will try to pull the wool over the doctors eyes as well although I put him on to her but he is a nice person and living in such a small community as ours he will help me. Anne is right everyone has noticed the difference in me I am not the same happy person I used to be, I am too intense, too emotional, too everything, and ready to snap, it is not worth it. she will be well taken care of just not in my home I don't even want to be there anymore and that just isn't right. So now I am glad she saved all her boxes she will have to buy a few things and I will give her some of my furniture because stuff at this point does not matter to me at all I feel dead inside and its not a good feeling and I too take something for my depression and nerves and they are slowing but surely stopping the calming process. Since she has been with me my BP has gone up I have chest pains frequently and had to have a heart cath and found out I have a 30 % blockage Stress will kill you. I want to be the happy person I was before who found happiness in the hummingbird and the squirrels playing and walking a dog and stroking a cat even my pets know there is something different about me and my poor husband I need to apologize to him we never spend time together than I get all bent out of shape when he gets frustrated and takes it out on me who else is there certainly not mother when she is wearing her halo and wings when he is home. Just because you do or have done the same thing for so long D doesn't make it right to continue there are people out there that will help you You just have to find them start with a social worker or someone at your local hospital, their doctor, anyone ask ask ask. You will find relief or you will find definite relief in death. The death of your soul is not worth it. My mother wasn't concerned about her kids when they were cold and hungry and in despair and could do nothing because they were kids except what they were told to do so she will just have to be okay with this I am leaving it on this is the way it is going to be level and not bring up any hurts I don't want this to look like a vendeta it isn't I was willing and hoping this would be a wonderful chance to become close but I was wrong. You have to be willing to admit when you are wrong. And I have God on my side I put it in his hands and prayed on this and this is the answer he gave me. Now I have my peace of mind to look forward to and I will not run when she cries wolf again. But I will be close and watching and she will continue on until God sees fit to call her. I hope some of these statements help some of you. I left for a few weeks because I felt I could not be of any help trying to sort out my own difficulties Put everything in Gods hands he asks us to do that. He will give you the answers you need He knows who you are, He knows what you do, He made you. Yes sin came into this world thru Adam and Eve but it is up to each of us to take ourselves out of this sinful world and back to God he has shown us the way He has given us the plan, It was In the beginning before the beginning the plan was made If you need help finding the plan Read The chapter of Acts, than start from the beginning in Genesis and read the entire Bible They have Bibles now that are more understanding to us humans I prefer the New international Version. You can understand it. It is not contradictory It is the GOOD NEWS

Denysa, you have a fabulous attitude. I know what you mean that a couple of hours hardly makes a dent in the exhaustion. A couple of weeks would help. But your attitude that you are growing through this tells a lot about you. The human lot is that we grow through pain. When things are great, most of us just sail along. So, you are seeing the lessons in this difficult time. You are mature and growing still. I do hope you can get some relief, however. You don't want to ruin your own health for good.

Carol

Thanks Anne, I could use all of the prayers I can get! Yes it is true that I shouldn't sacrifice my own health for my parent. I do try to get out and do things periodically with my friends to maintain some sense of sanity. Getting help to come in for a few hours, is like putting a bandaid on a gushing wound. It just doesn't help me get any respite. I have been doing this for sooo long that I really need to take a week or two off and just totally relax and regroup. Even that, sometimes doesn't seem like it would be enough time for me. So what is one to do?! Anyway, Thanks for your support and I can tell you that I have tremendously grown through all of this and I am thriving to survive. I have been through much worse than this life lesson. I know there will be rewards and better times ahead of these times. :) D

Denysa, do we sacrifice ourselves and our health for our parents? When it comes to that, who will care for them when we cannot. Many have found that it is good to get help, in whatever form and shaped it takes... I am willing to help my Mom and Dad, but not at my or my family's expense. And the rewards are just as good as if I had. I am honoring my parents by seeing they get the best care available, and sometimes that help comes from outsiders. Even the Good Samaritan in the Bible got help from others. We aren't asked to be martyrs. I am my husband's wife, my son's Mom, my Mom and Dad's daughter, and my FIL's DIL, in that order. Sometimes my husband takes care of me as I'm caring for my folks. Sometimes it works differently. We all work together, and sometimes tough choices have to be made. Mom has chosen to complain and be ungrateful. My Dad has Advanced Stage Alzheimer's and has no choice. We all lose, and some win. The ones who win are the ones who do what it takes to grow, survive and thrive. The rest are at the mercy of those who do. Praying for you. Take care of yourself.

Hey there Roxie, Your story about your Mother sounds exactly like my story taking care of my Father. He has been with me since September 2005 just after my mother passed away. Everyday is a struggle to maintain patience and understanding when dealing with my almost 90 year old Dad. He does absolutely nothing for himself and therefore sits from morning until night. All responsibilities are on me, 24/7, to maintain some level of health for him as well as for myself. I use to break down and cry, or at least want to, almost daily but here just recently I have decided to go on an antidepressant. I can't tell you what a difference it has made in my life. I am 49 years old and going through perimenopause anyway so just about everything gets on my nerves due to raging hormones. All of my siblings and relatives live in distant states so no help there. I never could imagine just how difficult it would be to take care of one's Parent. I feel as though I am aging more and more by the day with all of the pressures of this job. I do not/can't work out side of the home because of his level of care and it is just he and I. I can really commiserate with you and everyone else as well. Keep on loving and doing as this won't be forever, and the return is well worth the frustration! :) Denysa

God bless you, dear Naus. I will be praying for you for wisdom and guidance through these difficult days. Know you're loved.