Needing to vent: Our parents are like children.

Anne, I understand I have been dealing with the same thing for the last 38 years no one does a thing but let them give money aha that's the key and they are the most wonderful children in the world, but clean for them feed them watch out for their health, take them places they need to go to try to have something enjoyable for them to do and all you get is sand kicked in your face, that is why I am now going to distance myself, you see the others know something we don't they know what an ungrateful person our parent is. But us with the kind heart lets give them one more chance have to deal with it daily sometimes minute by minute well mine stops tonight. It is going to be laid out on the table clear and cut than I am going to play cards with some friends and she can chew on it for a while and her being so much smarter than I am will tell me no I should stay here and I am going to say nope you are perfectly capable of taking care of yourself, you don't like my dogs, my life, my friends, your grandchild and there really isn't any reason for you to be hear. You will save money by living on your own and have everything your heart desires because I cannot continue to finance you and you blow 50 bucks on lottery tickets and 50 bucks on candy and 50 bucks on whatever you want those rags you read, you can have all that and not have to worry about being in my way thats her reason for staying in her room all the time, but let us leave she is rooting through my things heaven knows what has disappeared but you know she can't hurt me any more it's just stuff and she has to answer to her maker I have to answer to mine. It is time for her to go back to her own life and get out of mine. Its like a fungus that keeps growing and growing and choking the life out of something else. I cannot and will not take it anymore. in fact think I'll call the apartments right now. The crying doesn't get to me I have no sympathy for anyone who turns the tears on for their own rewards and I don't care who gets a earful because I will tell them thats one side of the story you weren't here so how would you know what the truth is coming from a liar? I know who I am God knows who I am do you? Your mom isn't pitiful she is manipulative just like mine. so save your tears and yourself. I've been dragged thru the mud so many times haha but look who she depends on??? the proof is in the pudding it appears! Don't pity her that's exactly what she wants you to do. You have done your best I know I have done my best it isn't good enough okay get it some place else I am too old for this game to continue. Good luck to you Anne Stand up for you NO ONE ELSE WILL

My sister just sent my Mom $20 instead of going to visit her this weekend. Like she's the wonderful one, and I, her Guardian and caregiver, and the neglectful one. Mom complains I don't give her enough $$ for groceries, so my sister feeds the monster. I limit her funds because she wastes them, then complains I don't give her $$ for her needs. Help!!! And the court appointed Guardian ad Litem will be visiting soon for their annual check up on Mom. Sure they are going to get an earful about "horrible" me. So sad. I feel like crying about my pitiful Mom. Nothing anybody does is good enough, especially if it's coming from me... What's a daughter to do???

Yes, I agree MindingOurElders: I just went outside with a cup of coffee and a cigarette yes a cigarette and thought and have decided tonight I will tell her I am calling the apartment place and getting her an apartment with one bedroom. I will take her shopping once a month she can have her meds delivered all she has to do is call it in. I know she can get her mail she makes a mad dash to the mailbox before anyone can do it because she is hiding something. I know her to well. I will contact social services here at work they will help me. She can call mastercare if she needs to go to doctors appointments or I will take her but I cannot keep on like this and her next drama can fall on someone elses ears. If she is not up for that than tomorrow I am cleaning out the room. If she doesn't like it she will just have to get over it It is a fire hazard with all those boxes and paper She will not have to put up with my dogs and I won't feel like I don't want to go home.
Thanks for the advice I just needed some back up I suppose. Someone like me always wants to make the right decision and I've made enough decisions in my lifetime that they are not always going to be the best but I think this is best. She keeps talking about another apartment and after a year living here with us it just isn't working at least not for me. She has no regard for me except for what I can do for her at all. So she can live by herself and take care of herself and be happy maybe. neon

Neon, it sounds like your mother needs to move for your sanity. Can you find her an apartment? Social Services would give her some help, if you got her in an apartment and called them in to look in on her. If she is consider a danger to herself, they'd be there to help. You can't keep living like this.
Carol

speaking of evil, my drama goes on and on, I walked in the house yesterday and my mother says your daughter , (my dog) was bad today??? It seems she knocked over a chair, one I had bought my dad before he died when they removed his hip the second time he hated sitting in the wheel chair so its a pretty straight chair, well once "my daughter" knocked over the chair she proceeded to chew the fabric which was quite tight at the bottom or the seat underneath the chair with scissor precision than chewed straight holes in it. so my mother says I will put that in my room because it is more comfortable than the one you gave me, see she has this continual back pain since she fell 15 years ago. I don't care if she put the chair in her room but why not just come out and say I would like to exchange chairs????? anyway she has lived with me a year she still has all her stuff packed in boxes I told her three weeks ago to clean her room she hasn't she just lays in her bed eating candy and farting around with her boxes. there are at least 6 or 7 empty ones in there and she is saving them for when she gets her next apartment. We all know she won't do that so I am going in there tomorrow after she gets up and taking them out and burning them removing the bird cage with no bird and putting that in the attic, it is a fire hazard, I would love to put a small fridge and microwave in there and let her live in there thats where she stays anyway, she is so anti social and so devious and such a liar it is really getting to me, she is not so bad she could go to a nursing home, will not interact with people her own age, does not want to go anywhere. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can deal with this woman? I am about to blow I keep my mouth shut, number one you have to repeat yourself five times before she can hear you and she thinks she is somuch smarter than anyone else that is why she comes up with these stupid things. She said she missed her dog who died before Imoved my parents here with me so I thought having dogs would be company for her she acts like she is in competition with them the only thing she doesn't get that they get is a bone. I might add when I got this dog a month ago she didn't even know what to do with a bone or a milk bone and we have shoes sitting around she has never touched she is a sweet loving dog. So I really don't understand I am ready to get rid of my mother and get another dog. so I said to her last night well tomorrow she can start eating the sofa? What else do you say if you call her out she will get all ticked off and defensive and you don't believe me and all that crying crap I can't deal with it much longer. I am ready to find her another apartment and let her live on her own and find someone else to do the dirty work. Her other kids don't want her they don't even call, or write well my sister does send her cards when appropriate but she doesn't respond to that either its just sit here and you all are supposed to do whatever I want done. That is just not right I am a 60 year old mother and I know better than that but she has always been that way so HELP!!!

My Mom got mad because I wouldn't do things her way. Then she started rehearsing all the things that have made her mad in recent history. She was so worked up, that can't have been healthy right before surgery. The night before, she was up watering plants till 12 midnight, when she had to be at the hospital by 6:00 am. I suggested she needed the sleep, that she wasn't making healthy choices. I turned off her TV at 2:30 am once while visiting. I told her it was too loud and I couldn't sleep. Not good. She makes herself and everyone else miserable. Just glad my Dad is in a safe and nurturing environment away from her abusive outbursts. She can't hit him anymore, but she can accuse me of all kinds of things... It's a sick, evil game. And it affects her family members who are her target, and friends who play along. What is the answer to this??? I am reeling from contact with her, and relish the 200 mile distance to recover. Think I'll go see my Dad and love on him awhile.

My Mom flipped out in the Pre-Op 10 minutes prior to surgery. She got ugly with me. She wanted me to go home and let the dog out. I told her I wanted to stay so the Doctor could talk to me if he wanted. Mom started screaming and brought all her past hurts (by me) into the argument... It got evil. I told her to stop

Roxie and all, Local adult daycares may be able to help with the stresses of caregiving. The one my Mom attends has an agreement with the nursinghome that Mom can get 3 free days of respite/yr. Otherwise, it's $60/day. They count the day she's checked in, there, and day she checks out (even if it's before noon!). It's great for when I literally NEED time off!

Hi Kathy,
Loved your watch story! You are right. Without the humor, we'd never get through.
Carol

Thanks for the comments and the ideas. I will try and contact her Dr again by phone even if I have to be in the bathroom! Or I guess I can write the letter. Her Dr's and Nurses always call back and ask for her. I do understand about the anti social scene. My husband and I always have to have a caretaker for her or take her with us. She has been so critical of our decisions at times, I think we did things out of haste and later regretted our decisions. And yes, she gets very negative if I am on the phone or I want to do something for the friends I still have after 8 years of this. Yes it is overwhelming for all of us and I really do believe that relatives who don't help, just don't understand how difficult caretaking can be. But Hey, we've got to keep keeping on, and see the funny and embarrasing things in this too. I'm learning to go along with their story instead of arguing with her. This morning mom brought out two watches that I had given her over the years and said they didn't work and she didn't know why they were in her room. I kind of liked on of them real well and told her that I would get new batteries for them and find someone (like me) to give them to! Well, there has so be some humor in it. Take care and have a great day!

Kathy

kathy, I talked to my mothers doctor when I saw him at the hospital I work at, I asked him to have my mother go have a urine sample and while she is doing that I will give him a brief rundown of what is going on with her. Yes, we are conspiring but you do what you have to do although she will not do what he asks or tells her to do she can't hear is not a candidate for a hearing aid she left her hearing problem go for too long and when I had this checked it is too late for a hearing aid, sad but true, she is bull headed and knows so much more from her old book of medicine than the doctor knows and if he prescribes something for her if she gets it filled she will not take it. She is the same way around the house just does what she thinks she should do and always, always when Ihave company comes out of her room and says looking at me "I don't want to ruin your day but my back hurts" well mom I've gotten the memo for the last 365 days so please no more, thankfully my friends no how anti social she is she doesn't like anyone finds fault with everyone including my son and it just ticks the snot right out of me but I promised I would take care of her beccause no one else will or can and there is no one else but sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind.

Hi Kathy -- Could you type some comments to the Dr. and drop them in the mail to him/her? I've wondered about this as well-- or what if my parent who appears lucid argues that he has been taking a medication when he has not. You know it is for their health sake that you have to speak up and explain what really is happening. We seem to have worked these things about before arriving at the office, but it has come close more than once.

Mary

I used to bang my head over this one. And they can put on such a good act for the doctors! What's the answer. Honestly, I don't know. You do your best. Maybe write the doctor and hope he or she is one who will actually read the letter? Then, get her in for a "blood pressure check" or something and see where it goes.

If you have any success to share, please let us know. Nothing works for everyone, and everyone can use some advice.

Carol

Hi everyone, I've been reading your posts and my question is, How do you talk to the Dr when Mom is at the appointment and when I try to talk to him on the phone, she conveniently shows up in my office. She wants to know every word I speak to him. When we are at the appointments she tells him that everything is just fine. I was able to get her on some anti anxiety meds which are helping but I would really like to try her on some of the meds for dementia and beginning Alzheimers. Any ideas?

Kathy

Hi Mari,
Namenda (Mematine) and Aricept are often used together. Sometimes they are used separately. Each has side effects, but they are both helpful for many people, as they work to keep the worst symptoms of Alzheimer's at bay. As Beyond mentioned, sometimes side effects are so bad that the person stops one of the drugs or changes doses. But Namenda may work, if Aricept doesn't. Everyone is different. They are generally worth a try. Talk to the doctor and see what the response is.

Carol

Hi Mari-Mematine has been effective for my father-he went from mild to severe symptoms very quickly and this drug brought him back to where he's manageable---for now. Aracept is also a drug proven to be effective--it depends on the individual. Unfortunately my father had side effects re: muscle pain and mobility, so he stopped taking it (aracept). Best advice, of course, is to see her doctor and see what they recommend.

Does anyone have a parent suffering from dementia/alzheimers, and if so are they on any type of meds. to retard it? I think my mother is in the early stages of some type of dementia, shes hallucinating, and hearing things. I'm trying to get her a geriatric PCP. any thoughts or ideas? thanks! Mari

Dear beyond, thank God for the blessings for you and your Dad. Thanks for sharing them with us.

Dear breakdown, praying for your Dad and brother and you. I'm amazed they don't want you to visit your Dad right now. I hear that, too, at first. But then they said it was better for Dad to adjust to his new surroundings if I was there. I've been there for him ever since, except when away dealing with Mom. Praying all goes well with all you have going there. God will watch over him when you can't. Take care.

Dear Shar, wise insight! Thank you. God is in control of all. Hope all's well with you.

It's all the more amazing that it all still requires the Human Factor. I'll say a prayer.

Shar

I'm in the Nuclear Medicine department with Mom right now, pre-surgery. Wow, technology is neat. She just had a needle localization. Next: sentinel node biopsy, with possible axillary dissection. She's doing OK. I'm glad they let family experience all this with her. We're hoping for the best.

We didn't start out on a good note this morning, but cheerful nurses at the hospital helped. How amazing to see how far medicine has come. I'm blessed to be a part of all that's going on today, so far... Thanks for your prayers for my Mom. Anne

It's sold as Namenda and very often used with Aricept, but also used alone. Many people find it helps stave off the decline for a time. This is wonderful - for you and your father. That is the good part of early diagnosis for Alzheimer's. There are drugs that can help keep the worst at bay for a period of time. It's not a cure, but as you see, it can be a remarkable help.

Congratulations! Enjoy some peace.
Best,
Carol

Does anyone have any comments about a drug called mematine? My father has been taking it for the last 3-4 weeks and the results have been great-- Dressing himself, using the bathroom properly, communicating--I'm amazed, I know not to get my hopes up too high,but I've had 8-9 days of peace--it's been wonderful.

My Mom is in a horrible mood. She's complaining and angry, and hard to be around. I drove down yesterday to take her to ER. She's home how, and OK, and surgery is tomorrow. I'm at the library using the internet. It feels so good to be away from her. I miss my better half, and my little and my cozy home 200 miles away. Can't wait to escape and go back home. I want to move Mom by me. Unfortunately, it's hard to finish the paperwork when I'm not there. After Cancer surgery, I want her to be my me for radiation. She's not resisting. Weird! Just wanted to vent. Feels lonely without my family. I'm clicking my heels and wishing I were home.

Thank you, lazor! Drove the 200 miles downstate, solo, and am in ER now. Mom's test results came back OK, and she's going home, with pain meds. Will have to follow up with her Physician tomorrow, and surgery Wed. I wish my better half were with me. After we leave here, I'll have no internet, either = withdrawals :( and isolation. And a not-so-nice Mom at times. Especially with stress of pre-surg, and many aches and pains. She's lying here, moaning, fidgeting, and driving me crazy already. This will test my compassion and patience. Much prayer appreciated. I'm getting a taste of what I read about on these pages, aren't I? Wow, you ladies and gentlemen are all heroes.

I hope all is going to be okay Anne. Have a busy week. Grandson is visiting.

Help! Mom's symptoms are worsening. She was supposed to have Cancer surgery on Wednesday, but is now going to ER by ambulance for violent headache. I live 3 1/2 hours away, so am packing to drive down today, as opposed to the leisurly pack and drive tomorrow. My husband and son were supposed to go with me, but they are both sick with colds for the past several days. Stress a factor for both of us, (Mom and I) and prayer is appreciated. Will post when able. Thank you.

Hope all is well with all of you.

I'm so glad you are starting with the support group at the center. I've never had a situation where family wasn't able to be with the hospitalized person. It's something I'm going to look into here in my area, as it just doesn't seem to happen, here, though I've heard from others who've run into that.

Please keep us posted on how you are doing. With your father and now your brother - you've got a lot to deal with. We'll be thinking about you.
Carol

Hello to all, it has been awhile since I was last able to post... i moved in with my dad for a month as his health is declining... made three trips to the ER at the VA within the last two months and they kept sending him home... I finally became the people I usually have to deal with in the medical industry, but now I know just why some act the way the do... My dad fell three times in a two hour span and we took him to the ER only to tell us that all his tests came back normal and he could go home... I flipped on the docs and informed them that something was wrong and he needed more help... my they were not happy with me... but he was admitted and they did a extensive work up over 4 days and now we know he has cancer along with his dementia... we admitted him in a full time skilled nursing facility... and now I have to wait two weeks to visit him... I know that is going to be hard for him...but I understand they need to access him and aculmate him to his new surroundings... as we all know how difficult they can be with us I can only imagine what it would be like having family members come and go then the staff would have to deal with the axiousness that we deal with on a daily basis... still hard not to be there for him... Now I have my brother whom my dad cared for who is in the same boat... he is phyically disabled and I believe mentally or he has onset of demential already as he is as diffucult as my dad... now that I am back home I am dealing with guilt even though I know this place my dad is in is truely will give him a better quality of life... we do not know how much time he has left as the doctor seems to think the dementia will be the cause before the cancer will become full bloan... so I am going to start with a support group next week at the center... so i would like to thank everyone for your support and allowing me to vent...this site has been a great resource for information and to be frank a life saver for me... I will keep you all in my prayers and wish everyone peace and good health...

Dear elaine, wow......the tub.....!! I guess that's better than the floor. LOL Sorry to laugh, but you and I should switch screen names LOL. God Bless You!! Nauseated