Needing to vent: Our parents are like children.

Oh thank heavens I have found this site!!!!! Thank God for all of you.By the way call me Elaine I registered wrong...oops! I vowed my mother would never go to a nursing home and that I would take care of her till she dies. However that was the voice of someone not knowing or having a full understanding of her medical needs and I had to put her in a nursing home last aug. she was there for 3 weeks ( sh's 88) her Dr. put her on alzheimers meds and she sprang bck to her old self and was motivated however she has since progressed to the point where i think she is gone menally again and I had to admit her just yesterday to the hospital again she has alzheimers and has started to have conversations woth people that are not there and she too resents me as a care giver because im the bad guy! She talks all the time and to know one she hears voices and yes sometimes it is humorous... for example she told me sos and so are comming to visit and I said how do you know she said she had got a voice mail. I said you have no voice mail she said oh yes I do!!! it's in my ear. I hanmd to chuckle and because she was repeating this over and over and going to the door all the time checking for the people to come I suggested she may be lisining to an old recording and maybe she should erase the message and she ask hoe to do that I said you have to push a button to erase so she pushed her ear. lol how ever it is veryu frustrating so much of the time. I have the same complaints as many of you. Guilt, no freedom, no family that wants to be around i havent been anywhere in 2 years. she has showed a rapid decline. and it is so frustrating i want to pull my hair out! and just scream sometmes. I cry all the time too. my mother has 5 children and 3 have dies of cancer and one is dying and so that leaves me the youngest im 50 fast approaching 51. I am the only one to care for my mom and yet i feel so damn guilty ofr putting her in the hospitial. I seem to have this gut wrenching knot in my stomach that just will not go away! The guilt is killing me I wish someone would tell me im doing the right thing by putting her in the hospitial she hasn't eaten in 3 days and no sleep for 7 nights straight so that means i do not sleep I have to watch her. i am exhausted! She has started to talk all day and night non stop to nobody there hse she bables all day and night. some help me please with some relief ideas. I too can only go to walmart only so many times! I can take care of her the way she needs care 24/7 she oo opens doors all hours of the day and night.she has fallen so many times. some please send me a lifline! Thanks Elaine

Hi Naus, no regrets , been there and did that, we decided we still loved each other enough and had too much history to let it go and it took some work but its back on track tho actually a couple of times LOL Thats the way of marriage. He shouldn't be tracking your drinks tho unless you can't function and I serously doubt that. I have a couple every fri night last friday I had three one too many but had fun. Mine don't say anything anymore he just does what I want to do smart man. You can't be responsible for everyone all the time the most important is your kids and your husband you know the till death do you part thing and than there is dad don't worry about his finances he isn't going to take it with you and not enough there to help you so don't worry so much about it. Take some of the stress off you and let dadgo to assisted living. Its just a house some people would love to have just a house, I am not minimizing your circumstances at all but there comes a time you have to just say the hell with it and do what is best for you and your family, you are not abandoning your dad assisted living is not what it was years ago the most you will than have to do is show up let the staff know you are plugged in to protect your dad and take some of the stress off of you. yourstress effects the rest of your family to. You are not a coward but life dishes out enough piss and poop to have to deal with added piss and poop. Your dad can't help it and thats what the assisted living is for. We all work hard and the government is going to get it one way or the other. cut yourself some slack and you will see your husband will lighten up to. Make some time for just you and him and get your relationship back on track there was a time when he was your moon and stars and believe me he can be again. Did you know that most couples that lose a child divorce? Well next week it will be 27 years since we lost one of ours and we have a good relationship again. I hope I have helped you and I will pray for your situation. But again you can't be all things to all people and they know it and after a while will resent it. He just wants you back that is why he is playing his games because he's frustrated to and doesn't know how to handle it. love neon

Good Morning all! You all have so much helpful information, and answer a lot of questions. I think the majority of us already know the answers without even asking the questions. It is just having reassurance from all you wonderful people that makes us feel better. Especially when there are no others to help out. Some people don't know how, others don't want to. I feel as though I am drowning right now, with all the decisions to make. Husband has stopped helping, and frankly I decided I don't want his help anymore. I know the things I must do, without him telling me. I'm not sure if this marriage will last through this crisis, even though we've been married for 25yrs. The only family my Dad has left is myself. He has two brothers, and two sisters left, but they don't want to offer any assistance. I'm not sure what to do right now, there are so many complicated things going on in my life right now. My husband was forced out of his job 1 1/2yrs ago. He was part owner of a company. They have stolen his shares. Long story short, we are filing law suit to recover his shares which they should have purchased, but refused to saying they were'nt worth anything. After thousands of dollars dumped out of our life savings for lawyers, they finally decided to take a contingency, thank God. We HAD nest egg, which we have been depleting rapidly due to added debt we took on, after his being reassured that he had a stable secure job for at least five years. Not sure what's going to happen, but at least we have a tiny motorhome that we can live in if we become homeless. It's not paid for though. My husband's harley is, the atv is, the crappy snowmobiles are, the improvements to the house are, and the dog who gets no attention now is. LOL Anyway, my Dad has his house, and is still making payments for now. But if he goes into assisted living, he may lose his house, because assisted living costs........well you all know, and his annuities after taking penalties may only last two years paying for all this. I am at my wits end, do I make my Dad lose everything he has worked his whole life for by paying for assisted living, or do I take care of him here, and risk losing my 25yr marriage? I know no one else can make these decisions for me, if things got to the worse they could possibly get, I could move myself in with my Dad back out of state, and be his full time caregiver, living with him, living off his ss and pension check which barely cover his house payment. Especially, since the financial abuse, then his ARM interest only, 42yr mortgage goes up in 2010, then what? I think about ending it all sometimes, but I couldn't do that to my daughters. Nobody else would give a shit, if not for them I probably would have done it long ago. But again, that is probably the cowards way out. Yesterday, my husband with the anger management issues yelled at me that I drink too GD much, loud enough to echo through and around the mountains we live in, and to reach the neighbors ears. I am not an alchoholic, my Dad was, and that's why he is in this position now. I refuse to be that way. He counts my drinks constantly, and monitors, and reminds me of how many I have, has done so for years. For years, I never drank at all. Lately, late at night after the kids are in bed, and Dad is in bed, and sometimes when hubby is in bed, I do have a drink, sometimes two if I feel like it. I am a responsible adult who has seen people who have drank themselves literally to death, and will not go down that path. He is constantly on my back which makes me want to go for it even more often. I will not let him make me. I guess I have to drink in the closet by myself in the dark? Should I go to a bar, alone where he cannot count, and then drive home? Yeah, that would be very responsible eh? He goes snowmobiling and ice fishing, etc. with the kids, while I stay home to wash sheets, and clean piss and poop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!And I'm not supposed to have a drink? He made the comment to me when this is all over, and said and done, I'm out of here, and I'm gone. He has been threatening me this for 25 years, and I never say a word. This time I said, "Don't let the door hit you in the ass!" LOL I'm going to tell him, either you stay for the long haul, or you go now, not later. Make up your mind, I'm through with the game playing and don't have time for it. Not sure if I should have posted all this, will probably regret it. I am so nauseated. LOL Nauseated

Neon - I understand and am trying to avoid cleaning every day. Unfortunately, I have the unique situation with my dog. I see him get worse the longer I let things go. My dogs are my life and I will do anything for them.

llg

I'm not saying to let your house go I mean does it have to be done every day but a few times a week.

Anne Neon and Carol - thanks so much for the responses. Yes I trust the doctors. She has one of the most respected family docs in the metropolitan area - was even voted best doctor a few years back. And the neurologist at the Alzheimers clinic is great too - they are well versed - that's all they do. My therapist says I'm in denial - I know she's right. Just so hard to admit the decline. I will try to make an effort to start looking around at options. One thing I may do quickly is Hospice of the Valley. While they are best known for dealing with terminal patients, the doctors tell me they also have a dementia component and will come to your house to help out with evaluation and teach skills you'll need.

As to cleaning, I can't let it go too long. My Bernese Mtn Dog has what the vets think is an auto-immune disease. He coughs terribly, has the worst junk coming out of his nose all day long. After a bout of pneumonia, he's on very expensive antibiotics (probably forever). So I need to keep the dust and dirt down to a minimum for him. Just one more thing to deal with.

I have the same problem with Mom leaking when she sits down on the toilet, especially now - takes longer to sit with the pelvis break. I throw cheap dish towels over her jeans before we pull the diapers down. And I wash the floor a lot. I'm making Mom put her shoes on as soon as she gets up so she won't slip. When she gets in the shower, I'm always right there so she won't slip. I realize that won't work for everyone but Mom has needed help with getting in/out of the shower for so long, she just expects it now.

In that case I would have to agree with Carol better to wash a load of little rugs than have her fall. and she can' help it Sometimes not too many choices.

Yes we are with you we know it's hard.

I'd buy rubber backed rugs - small ones - and just wash them often. Not falling is the key here. The rubber will take care of slippage. It's tough to have to wash them so often, but there aren't many choices, and she can't help the leaking.

Hang in, we're thinking of you.
Carol

She uses depends. She leaks when she is stepping in shower and squatting to pee. I don't want anything that she can slip and fall on and she is fall prone here.

also a thought small hand towels easy to wash? also what about depends?

Try those pads they use in hospital beds blue plastic underneath and paper fabric on top people even use those to train puppies. hope that helped

Okay need help here. What kind of things can I put in the floor because MiLaw will dribble on floor. Like when she steps in shower or gets out. Any suggestions. I have rugs in front of commode and shower so she want fall and she constantly is leaking on them.

I feel terrible because my parents are making me miserable and I am starting to hate them and resent them. I have not been this unhappy in years. I feel like every moment I am not working, I am working for them. I have one parent that lives with me and one that I just put into a ALF. There is not a day that goes by that I am not running someone to a DRS or picking up a prescription or taking someone to the grocery store etc..... To make things worse, I work from home and am with my father 24 hours a day. Between his noises he makes, his quirks and the fact I have to monitor what he is getting into is enough somedays to make me crazy. I find myself most of the time either angry and wore out or in tears.
Then when I finally say no I am filled up with guilt and feel bad. I am not happy and need an attitude adjustment. Anyone have any books they recommend that might help?
Signed Tierd of being angry, wore out and running out of tears.

Trust in yourself, God trusts you. Neon, you are so wise.
Carol

Hi everyone, just a few things to address. As far as housework goes I used to be a neat freak even have to hang the towels all together, socks in pairs, etc now what ever comes out of the basket gets hung. but I still like the way wash looks on the line nice and organized and its easier to fold and put away, but had to decide what is more important, time with son and family, time with husband, time with dog, meals the frustration level gets so high sometimes I need the above to relieve the stress. As long as we aren't filthy I can handle the spills that don't get wiped up immediately and a little animal hair on the carpet for a day or two. Not working myself to death in that respect. On the other hand I went to my mothers rom last night to hook up her pc now she has had it since 1998 and never has used it this is the third time I've hooked t up for her will try my best to get her on the web and understand what she is doing but when I went to her room it is piled with boxes andso much stuff and she was told she could put her things where ever she wanted to plenty of room in family room and living room Oh no I am waiting until I have myown apartment. Well she's been with me 10 months don't think that is going to happen, even saving empty boxes, so i told her some of this stuff can go to the attic sh can't even move around in there. I am sixty years old not a contorsionist. She still has her bird cage hanging with out the bird the bird died and thats my fault moving it ??? it was an 11 year old parakeet. Pray for me to have sufficient understanding. Well have worked so hard after work this week to get laundry and stuff done just have a little left to do (clean house syndrome) so I can relax on my week end.

Yes, it is always best to get your information ahead of time instead of waiting until the time actually comes and as far as relying on those who do not help with the care giving they are not there 24/7 like you are, you are important enough to do the care giving than you are important enough to make the right decisions as you see the daily decline. Please, do not second guess yourself, think about it put the facts on paper if you have to pros and cons than make your decision and stick to it, if others don't like it they will have to deal with it. If they don't want mom or dad in a nursing home they can feel free to take them out and take them home. That is what I told my husbands sister when we had to put his mom in nursing home so she did it only took her 6 years to decide it was her mother and she shold be the one taking care of her. She is also the one we split wood for and drove to another state and delivered it free of charge and couldn't even send her son out to help my husband and son unload it and we didn't even get a thank you but we know that mom was warm for that winter anyway. It takes all kinds you know what kind you are and so do I or you wouldn't be hurting the way you do, if you didn't care it wouldn't hurt. God bless all the caregivers and those we care for God sees and does not forget. Trust in yourself, God trusts you. Neon

Ilg, have you started investigating the next step, "just in case"? You never know when that information might be needed. And if her Physician tells you to start thinking about it...do you trust him? What about the therapist? What are the reasons for doing it? I know what you mean about wishing someone would tell you when to act. And I know about resistance from siblings. I've also heard people say, "you just know when to act." Well, sometimes we do, and sometimes we don't. And sometimes it stares us in the face. I pray and ask God to lead me. He does in his way. Sometimes that is not obvious to me, but he leads sometimes through circumstances, and sometimes through people, and sometimes in spite of them. Getting good counsel from trusted individuals helps as well. And I did a lot of investigation looking at options. Still am. Sometimes it seems like an endless maze. Today, we're just taking things one day at a time. After a 400 mile trip downstate for Mom, we still need answers. Someday we will have them. Right now we all just have a lot of questions. Bless you all...

Another take on snooping and rummaging is boredom and lack of meaningful activity or interaction. Who likes being ignored and someones burden? Nobody - but it is easy sometimes to forget how they feel while in the day to day, especially if you are burned out from bathroom accidents - or juggling too much.

I have learned that just because someone has dementia it doesn't preclude situational behaviours. It is true there are signs and syndromes attached to most cognitive disorders, but at the same time sometimes the answer is right in front of us. Boredom

Hi everyone - I tend to agree about the snooping, think it may be a way of connecting to something they remember. Mom spends lots of time looking through anything thats laying around, most specifically knick knacks and photos. And she goes through the same pile of bank statements almost every day. Think it comforts her to know the money is still there.

Anne, I almost wish someone would make the decision for me to put Mom in a nursing home. Her doctors say to start thinking about it, my therapist says I already should have done it, my bothers say never do it, Mom doesn't want it -- God how do you ever decide when or if it's the right time? Perhaps in our case some of the dilemma stems from the fact that we are New England stock - extremely independent - even with the broken pelvis Mom thinks she should be able to walk without pain pills and do everything that should could before the fall.

Neon, wish you could teach me how to let go of house cleaning. I still try to stay up until after midnight to make a dent in all that needs to be done. Mostly I'm trying to keep up with finances and paying bills. The house is a mess and I feel terrible about it. Guess I can blame that on Mom. She was a Navy nurse and used to hold 'white glove' inspections when we were growing up.

And the dogs are starting to act up because we don't pay any attention to them anymore. This is just not right for a dog lover like me!

Naus, Anne, motherofmax, I just got in and had to respond, my mother also likes to snoop but she always did, I find that the only tastes she has now is sweets and salts. I think those are the last two tastes that are left too am cleaning crumbs spills, dirty bathrooms usually when i take my shower in the a.m. I do the bathroom when I get home from work its the kitchen and the bathroom. i think its just part of the decline. I do less housework these days unless its gross because it doesn't matter unless I have people over than get my son and husband to help get things in order, you can't make yourself crazy by keeping your home like you used to. I used to be a clean freak and don't get me wrong there are days it drives me asolutely batty. I feel I am the only one who can think in that house. I asked mother yesterday what was for supper I feel she can do that but in the 10 months she's lived with me I can count on one hand how many meals she has fixed for the both of us and still have fingers left over but can cook for herself all day long so figure that one out knowing her its just laziness. But laziness aside she is going downhill its tv all day long to the point my poor husband has to literally go to another room to watch it or she gets mad because he wants to watch his flat screen I bought him two christmas' ago, he is on the road and when he comes home after yard work and what not that is his relaxation. She sleeps during the day and stays up all night and eats candy and does Lord knows what in her room Its just not the norm for me but it may be for her who is to say. I must go for now but will check back later I had to go to a meeting and lost my train of thought started this about 2 hours ago. neon

Dear Naus, have you heard "rummaging" is like looking for clues of who they used to be... All the things you describe sound like a normal day in Alzie Land. Dad 2 was in Assisted, but it wasn't enough help for him, and is now in a Nursing Home. Dad 1 was placed there by a Geriatric Psych Hospital, for his own protection and others-not our choice. It was the best decision for both, and they are doing fine. The best part is that we visit them every day. They are well cared for by staff, who work together to provide for all their needs, wants, etc. And we go to enjoy the Dad's and have fun with them. They are well loved, and don't feel "parked" and left to rot. They have full lives there, because there are men's groups, luncheons and shopping out, movies, church, and all kinds of stimulating activities for the residents. They are doing very well there. Just a consideration. It's not for everyone, but works great for some, perfect for us. Dad is doing so much better since they adjusted his meds. He's become more social and interactive, for the first time since last June. Praise the Lord!!! Talk to an Elder Law attorney for help with the financial part. We had to spend down some assets, but it was so worth it. Now we will spend their final days/weeks/months or years of life just enjoying them. And they love our visits, especially their 8 year old grandson, who is a bright spot to all the residents. Praying for wisdom for you and help for your Dad. God bless you, too, motherofmax.

Mom lives 200 miles away, and we are driving there today for a consult with her Cancer Surgeon, which will operate asap. Thank God for the nursing home and for Dad doing so much better, since we will be focusing on her immediate health needs for the foreseable future. Just as we were getting ready to move her closer to her husband, she was diagnosed with Cancer, on top of disc problems in her back, cysts on her kidneys, and Emphysema. She still lives in her own too-large home, and we're the closest relatives to care for her. Sad when parents start declining.

Hi Naus, I'm going through the same thing with my ex-MIL.
all she does is sit in front of that darn T.V. all day (when she's not pooping on the floor). We actually got her to wear underwear finally. She refuses to wear adult diapers. She eats a lot of sweets also. Her dementia is getting worse, along with her hearing and eyesight. The T.V. blasts all day and drives us nuts. She won't go to the ear specialists or to day care. It's real difficult to get her to even go out on the porch and sit in the swing. Her paranoia is getting worse day by day. Always locking the doors (even during the day) We live in a rural area where there's no crime. I think she is just afraid of dying. We try talking to her and reassuring her that everything will be alright, but she is very distrustful of everyone. I feel like my life has been put on hold and is passing me by. I know that this too shall pass and it is my faith getting me through it. God bless you all and thanks for reading.

I have to log on and read the other inspiring posts to keep me going, when I'm not changing sheets and towels, and cleaning up poop. I'm very tired. I try to catch a quick nap during the day, but just when I start to doze, Dad gets up and starts snooping around. I sometimes pretend to be asleep just to see what he does. He will go in my kitchen and snoop around. He will grab anything edible lying on the kitchen counter as long as it's junky. I put bananas and avacados, and a fruit bowl on the kitchen counter for him, and he won't touch them unless I serve them to him. But if he sees cookies, candy, or cake sitting on the counter, expect to see chunks missing, and crumbs everywhere, or frosting on everything he touches. What's up with that? I'm thinking I may have to go on food stamps pretty soon. He eats like a teenage boy, when it's served to him, like he never gets fed. Offer anything to him, and he will say no at the same time he is reaching for it. Try to get him to read a book, and he says no I don't want to. Try to get him to do crosswords, he says no I don't want to. I don't ask him what he wants to do anymore, because all he says is I want to get out of here. I want to go home. Since we have had spring like weather lately I set up a chair on my deck outside for him to sit in the sun and watch birds or other wildlife. It's quiet and peaceful unlike his own neighborhood, which he will probably never see again. I am trying to hang in here, but I really don't think I am cut out for this caregiver role, especially when I am constantly changing sheets, and cleaning the bathroom. I can't do this anymore. I must put him in assisted living, but he has no readily available funds, his annuities aren't mature until 2015, so he will suffer thousands in penalties, I'm not sure what to do. Must sleep, tomorrow is another day. Good night all! God Bless! Nauseated

Anndees and all the great folks who have posted - Know you are not alone. Moms vascular dementia started over 10 years ago after a stroke and several TIAs. We've been through surgeries for a broken hip and broken elbow. Now we dealing with a broken pelvis and possibly another stroke. Doctors also diagnosed Alzheimers last year -- I guess they call it 'mixed' dementia. Mom has fallen 4 times in the past month, thinking she is still strong enough to get up. Her BP was extremely low at the doctor's on Friday, not sure why yet. This morning Mom, in her head, was in the guardhouse at a military base and said nothing in the house that we've lived at for 20 years looked familiar. She started crying uncontrollably. For me that's when I feel like I can't do it anymore. But then I log on and see we are all praying for each other. It helps me to keep going. So know I am praying for you and hang in there.

Anndees, I just read your post. I understand your situation and it is similar to what I've been dealing with with mom. The things she is doing are signs of dementia. Sounds like you are getting home health to work with you at home. Usually after a rehab stay, home health monitors the patient at home by doctor's orders. These people can help you, but you have to be brutally honest and explicit about every detail of what your day is like and your mother's behavior. Otherwise, they will work with her as if she is able to do as she was at the rehab. My mother at 89 fell and broke her hip in my home. I had moved her in with me after she had a brain stroke. Her brain function was not the same but she still was okay. After the fall, we did the hospital for 2 weeks and she was not recovering, when she finally did, we did the rehab for 20 days. Then, I brought her home with me. At the rehab, they made her do things that she has a lot of difficulty doing but they still made her and did the best that she could. When we came home, the PT person, was ready to go with exercises and mother could not do all of that. That is when I started telling to them, the home health people, as they came to the house the way that mother really was. They worked with her the best they could but clearly mother was declining. I called her doctor myself and explained how she was and got him on my side. Remember that the doctor gives the orders to the home health. To make a long story short, mother has signs of dementia and was not eating or drinking enough and acting weird although she could not get up and walk on her own anymore. She is now in hospice care as of 3 weeks ago. Dementia seems to be the culprit here for her and sounds like it is for your mother. Please let the home health people know and the social worker should be able to help you with either more information of assistance. They have resources that unless one asks, they don't tell you. I too lost my job the day after she had her stroke and still had to move her in with me. I am working 2 small part-time jobs to complement her income and that is how we are making it. I am glad that I am able to care for her, but I have gone through emotions of anger, resentment, more anger and more resentment. Now, I pray to God to help me be a better daughter and mother to my own children and every morning I have to thank God for being able to do this for her. This process started in May 2008 basically 10 months ago. Incredible. Stay with this site. There is a lot of good information that comes in daily.

I agree with the rest of the gang Anndees. She will end up in a hospital or nursing home very soon with the way she is falling and so on. I see things in your post that are going on in my world, like it's amazing they can do stuff when you're not looking but can't when you are. Hang in there, keep us posted and try try try to relax in between things and sleep when you can. It's like being a brand new mother :) You'll live through it I promise :)

Hi Ann Marie,

It sounds as if you have a handful right now. I was in exactly the same place as you six years ago. I kept my mother at home

thank you!

anndees, sounds like you won't have to worry for long. She may be back in hospital soon. Can keep her there or send her to Nursing Home?

Naus, Colorado is beautiful, too. Hope to see it again someday. Lake Michigan is my favorite; both sides of Mackinaw Bridge. I live in lower; vacation in upper. Can't wait till July and August and to have my toes in the sand on my fave beach. We still have snow, and no crocuses yet. Hawaii sounds nice right now. And sleep. Good night all! Happy Lord's day!

I don't think your Mom is tricking you. I wish she was. Sounds like she has developed dementia from the diabetes issue. Read up on it as much as you can. Take Care of yourself and get some help. You may have to do as Anne suggested and put her in a nursing home. You can only do so much sweetie. Take Care, and get some rest. Tomorrow is another day, and the Lord knows what you have need of. Nauseated

The staff at the rehab, including the physical therapist and social worker said she could go home, but they either lied or Mom is pulling a mean trick on me!