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Hello All, back from vacation… it was wonderful… didn’t take long for all the craziness to begin… my family has taken over the care of my father… he is not happy with the direction it is going… he has been calling me in a very anxious mood… and I was informed by my family to have him contact them now… as they are the executors of his estate and care… now I feel I am in a rock and a hard place… I am trying to let go but see so many errors in their process… does no good talking about it to them as they haven’t listened for the past three years anyway… so now I am faced with do I move on with my life or stay stagnant to see if I will be ejected back in… the worst part is my sister and I used to be close and this whole episode has put great distance between us… not feeling good about it… however she is the type that will not talk about it as she is always correct and something is wrong with me… whats worse is we have trip planned in May to go to Mexico and now I am not feeling good about that either… I knew when I started to break away and do what I wanted to do it would cause issues… but now I just want to pack my bags and run… run… run… I know that is not the solution, I have too many issues I have to resolve here… any suggestions on where to start or if I should just back down and stay down…
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Not boring at all, Naus! In fact, very entertaining at times. I am blessed to have a hubby who doesn't complain. He can't say the same about me, though. It seems he could be on here venting about all my venting. Guess it's good we don't have two hot heads living together. I rely on his steady responses and wisdom to see me through the tough times. We have more coming soon. I have been wanting to write, but didn't know where to post the following...or how. Still stunned, I guess.

As a refresher: Dad has Advanced Stage Alzheimer's Disease, and has to have 24 hours care. He was removed from his home because he was a danger to himself, his wife (and she to him) and to others. He was wandering, and doing inappropriate things "with neighbors." It was sad to see him go to a Psych ward, and be removed from everything he worked for all his life and placed in one wretched place after another, and hospitalized twice. We visited as oft as we could, but lived 245 miles away. Every time we saw him would show great decline. It was heart wrenching. However, a break came in November when we were able to move him to the most wonderful, and beautiful Nursing Home, just 4 minutes from our house. He is since stabilized, and we enjoy frequent, almost daily visits. It has been a wonderful thing for all of us. My husband's Dad is my Dad's roommate with dementia, and both need to be where there are. Which brings us up to our current dilemma...

My Mom still lives 200 miles away, and is my legal ward. She has cognitive decline, and many physical problems. It is difficult caring for her from a distance, but we have been doing the best we can since January 2008. She called three days ago with recent test results:

1. She has a small cancerous lump on her breast that must be removed ASAP.
2. She has several cysts on her kidneys...
3. She has degenerative disc disease in her back, resulting in numbness and tingling in her legs, feet and arms, and possible surgery for that.

We were in the process of moving her close by, so she could be by her husband, but that is now on hold until further notice... It would be difficult to move her under these immediate heath threats and conditions! Which means, we will be traveling a lot more...soon! I will be driving 200 miles tomorrow to go see Mom. From there, one day at a time. Prayer appreciated. Thanks, Anne
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Hi Naus... Glad you got power of attorney for your dad that will make it so much easier for you although the decisions will at times be hard. It did for me with my Dad, no mom on the other and control freak and we will leave it at that and well she thinks she's going to live for ever wont that be a shocker??? Yes, hubby's Mine gets frustrated and we had a couple rows about me needing downtime as I also work and do lots of other things and he's a hard worker to and the economy and all. I would let the house sit until the housing market gets better, like you said it isn't going anywhere. Maybe he just misses your wam body. I don't mean that to be funny, Men sometimes just cannot express what they feel and it comes out all wrong. I know what you mean and when I finally got it threw to my husbands head that he has tv mother has tv I could care less about tv but I do enjoy my puter. He seemed okay with that. I told him the alternative was he could come pick me up in a bar. LOL I think most of us have been where you are right now and eventually they get with the program, I have watched my cats and when they want something they ask. Well, I have always been the type of person I don't ask but thought well if they can and they get what they want done well so can I. Also, the situation with mother is getting a bit better, she isn't controlling anymore although wants to tell me how to raise my dog LOL, Its my dog for petes sake I know what to do for him. But it gives her something to talk about so I just listen, she has been reaching out a little more and I noticed she is going downhill physically as well as mentally and I think she realizes it and I have been doing more things for her out of kindness, at first I had to force myself but it seems to be getting easier. Hubby has finally settled down and realizes I love him and even when I'm tired I will get him that bowl of ice cream he's too damn lazy to get up and get for himself. Makes him feel guilty he will tease when I'm going to bed, didn't you get my ice cream and I'll say well I'm not a mind reader and he will say I thought you were so I will finish up what I'm doing than get it and hand it to him and he will say you really didn't have to do that and I'll say yes I did your ass is stuck to the chair. kiss him good night tell him I love him and I seem to get more out of him that way??? whatever works Like you said take one day at a time some are the same some are different. But I do make sure I get my rest or else I would be hell on wheels and nobody wants that to happen in my house anyway. LOL I also have been lettingsome of the housework slide, I used to be a neat freak but I can't do it all, I don't want to do it all and its thankless work anyway. As long as everyone is clean and well fed and warm and smiling thats all that matters. Take care talk to you soon.

Hey Austin, How is it going for you? You're in my heart and prayers as you all are. Neon
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Wow, no one has been venting! I take it things are going perfectly then? LOL I need to break the silence. Does anyone here feel sometimes like they are being smothered, criticized, and nagged at constantly, and want to run screaming down the street like a lunatic? Today, I sure did. I wanted to smack hubby along side his selfish head. He's not the one I'm caring for, it's Dad. Dad was an angel today, go figure, that may change 100% tomorrow though. It seems when I'm getting a break from the father drama, the hubby drama takes over. I just got the court order yesterday making me guardian/conservator for my Dad, and already hubby is asking "what is your plan?" Meaning what am I going to do with Dad's house out of state? Right now, he owe's more than he can get for it. I'm trying to hang on to it for him, he is still making payments. The real estate market where it is located is very cyclical, so I'm hoping for at least maybe a small profit for him. Something is better than nothing at all. I told hubby that I wasn't sure what is going to happen at the moment. I'm trying to take things one day at a time, the house isn't going anywhere at the moment. Most importantly, I must get Dad signed up for his medical plan tomorrow, that is first, everything else is second. Hubby thinks he should always be first, even before the children. He is selfish. I love him, but honestly, he seems to breathe down my neck during the full moon every month. I can't take the nagging anymore, tonight he says to me, are you going to be on the computer late again tonight? I said why? He said, because you stayed up to late again. This is my only salvation and sanity sometimes. He has stayed up late many nights watching tv till 1 or 2 in the morning. He has a lot on his mind too, but geeeeeeeeeeeez he needs to give me some space too! Thanks for listening, hope I didn't bore you all. Hugs to you all. Naus
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Dear oneandonly, if I may add to the words and suggestions of lovingdaughter? I found a local senior center who had volunteers that would come visit my Mom. They will pick her up for activities, to go to the center, or just come sit with her, for companionship, at no cost to her. (Paid for by grants, city taxes, etc.) They could take her to the store, or pick up something for her. What a neat service! Only my Mom rejected it. She's still pretty independent, and prefers her own friends. Another thought came to mind, when dealing with the complaints. How about wearing a walkman or Mp3, listening to your favorite relaxing music just loud enough to drown out her criticism, and flash a poster saying, "I'm sorry. I'm not in the mood for criticism and complaints today." Another sign could say, "If you don't like the service here, find a replacement, or consider moving!" and see where that takes you. I know it sounds harsh and crass, but heavens! You ladies are doing a heroes job, and don't deserve the abuse!
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Dear msTish, posting here after seeing yours. Just wondered how things are going? Have you considered putting your concerns in writing and sending it to all "interested" parties (or uninterested, as the case may be). Just thinking about your protection from those who may later want to criticize anything you are forced to do, any decisions you may have to make alone. At least you have contacted them, sought their input, and can document everything and protect yourself. If they are more interested in money than your MIL's well-being, shame on them!!! And hooray for you for looking after her! (I know there's more to this story...) You are a hero! God bless you, Anne
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wow, i'm sitting staring at these post thinking do we all have the same siblings. MIL has had a real bad week. I make the calls to BIL's but that was 5 days ago not one call, nothing, One lives less than 3 miles away, this can not be right. Weird he shows up when it concerns spending her money.What is wrong with thesee people that they can't step away from there own lives and look at the people caring for there parents i think this is so selfish, I'm at the point i don't want to call anymore but i think that would be selfish of me not to let them know what
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Well llg I can understand everyone has their trials and tribulations and we all worry if we have a job how long we will have it I understand that but this comes beyond that. It seems after reading so many posts that there is only one person in most families that get the I care i am the responsible one gene. I can understand how you don't trust your mom. I don't trust mine she did some terrible things to me my sister and brother but acts like we should give her the mother of the year award, yeah mommie dearest a coat hanger. anyway I am always baffled as to regardless how we grew up they are still our mother/father and there is a certain amount of caring about the parent at least in me or maybe I am still seeking the approval that the others don't need anymore? i try to over analyze things sometimes not a good thing to do, so I try to tell myself it is what it is. Deal with it I saw a joke one time men are from earth woman are from earth so deal with it. Kinda says it all to me after all that venus and mars hooee. My mother has two brothers she never hears from to and a sister who emails me and tries to tell me what I should do and not say she might be my aunt and she is miss hoytetoyte always has been we have always been the white trash and the last time she emailed me to brag on her son and grandkids I almost puked and told her that the white trash did okay we all own our own homes all have decent jobs and or have our own business but we don't need a mansion. haven't heard from her since wonder why? I have enough to do don't need all that keep up with the jones stuff. All anyone wants is a quiet place to fall when they need it and a little understanding and love a meal in their belly and enough money to pay the IRS. LOL But do you think she would come visit her sister NO but than again my mother doesn't write or call them either so everyone lives in their own little world kinda like eleanor rigby. (beatles song for all you younguns out there). I am leaving now. Gonna throw back a couple and try to relax after this large shopping spree . Will stop back in Monday. Neon
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Neon sounds like are brothers are very similar. I am trying very hard to understand that they have there own issues to deal with and are probably both in denial. Maybe your brother is in denial too? I have been seeing a therapist for quite sometime and she has helped me get better about my own denial. I don't want to admit that someday I have to say the ultimate goodbye. In fact saying goodbye is one of the hardest things for me to do. Probably stems from my parents divorce years ago when Dad left one day and they both said 'Dad is just going out on his ship again. He will join us in a month or so' I don't think I've ever been hurt so much in my life when Mom finally told us the truth. Have never truly been able to trust her since. Not sure where that just bubbled up from. Back to my brothers. The eldest, who lives with me, worries daily about losing his job. I get that and try to stay out of his way when he is in a funk. The younger one lives in SD so every time he sees Mom, she is a lot worse - must be hard for him. We all deal with this in our own ways so I try to respect that. Unfortunately, it leaves me alone in the drivers seat. And while I'm venting my mothers younger brother, who is the only one left in her family, never calls or writes. You would think he might care a little bit.
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Isn't it funny when they all seem to disappear when someone needs help, but they sure as hell show up to criticize don't they?

Neon, BIG HUGS! Naus
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llg, it's easy for those who do nothing, but just sit back and pass judgement, and make their recommendations. I'm a little scared, and don't know what to expect half the time. Dad has vascular dementia, so the doctor thinks. Sometimes he can converse, but for the most part everything that he says, I have to try to guess what he is talking about. It makes it very hard to communicate sometimes. He gets my three daughters mixed up and forgets their names, most of the time remembers my name, however he does sometimes call me a pet name he used to call my Mom, which is good. Everyday could be a surprise, because I never know which personality is going to pop out. Kinda like cranking the handle on the jack-in-the-box. LOL I sometimes really can't tell what stage he is in. I guess I'm lucky he can still shower himself, feed himself (only if I put it in front of him) and move about even though it takes him forever and he shuffles, this I am thankful for. God Bless Everyone! Take Care llg! Naus
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Hi llg
I have a brother to he can't even pick up the phone to call his mother, his wife said she would write me a long letter after the holidays but she didn't say what holiday and at this point I could care less If I hear from them again or not. Let your brothers walk a mile in your shoes than they will have earned the right to say where she should live. You have to make all the decisions and I wouldn't even give them the satisfaction of including them. They made their decision to be commandant so let them play commander and chief some place else I know easier said than done but after two years of nothing from my brother, he can kiss my you know what, I sound more and more like my father everyday. Everyone is always so ready to tell you how to do it but never there when you need them. So fine in my situation I have taken the responsibility, I will be responsible for ALL decisions made hereafter, and no one better tell me I did it wrong especially when they can't help So if brother dear you happen upon this post you now know exactly how I feel. Live your little life and live your little dramas and don't think of anyone but yourself because you are all that matters. Sorry llg I guess I just needed to get that one off my chest considering they won't return my phone calls emails or write the letter after the holiday. Seems like your Mom is going back in time mine does that when she does talk its about her childhood her life never anything about memories she has about her children so I guess it's just as well, I don't feel like her daughter I just feel that she is someone I am responsible for and will take good care of her to the best of my ability until it is done. Took me a while to get there because I was hoping we would have some kind of relationship, but we never did and I am over that now. This is just another chapter in my life. and hers to so as long as she can walk, go to the bathroom dress herself, get the mail and get what she wants at the store and watch tv she is happy. of course, yesterday she told me I threw her boots out???? I didn't but everything she can't find I must have thrown away. Well gotta have somebody to blame it on. We can't pick our families and thats pretty sad sometimes. So its no big loss to me you can't miss something you never had, I've always relied on me and my parents have always relied on me, and when I did something nice they always had to call and tell me they didn't like it or they don't want me sending $h** they can't use or some such thing just do what we want you to do and we will get along just fine. ?? It's almost over. for me anyway and personally I will feel relief and gladness. Than maybe I can enjoy my life. Hope you all get some rest and find a little time for yourselves this week end. try to hold on than do what you have to do you are the caregivers you make the decisions and believe in yourselves that you are making the right ones. Regardless of what others in the family might think. neon
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Nauseated I am logged on so know that is not the issue. I will try again. I totally get it - we are all in this boat together. I took everything personally for quite a while. When my older brother just shuts his door and leaves everything to me. When my younger brother comes for a visit and tells me I do everything wrong and it's not that hard to take care of Mom. When Mom has trouble in the bathroom and I drop everything else I'm doing to clean her up. I am finding that the worse her dementia gets, the easier it is for me to let go and realize it's no one's fault. Last week was hard - it was the first time she said I wasn't her daughter. But thank god most of the time she still knows me. She is forever thinking she is somewhere else usually a military base as she was a Navy nurse and then worked in civil service. This morning I think she was at her childhood home because she wanted me to open the attic door and thats the only house I knew of with an attic. We are struggling with when is the right time to get more help or find alternative living arrangements. My brothers say 'never' but they aren't the ones who spend all the time with Mom.
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Thanks Neon! I'll cry extra, for you, so you don't have to be tough as nails. LOL Too much bottling up can lead to more health problems, I do that a lot too. When will we ever learn? Probably never. Pity Party on! Naus
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Nauseated, thanks for telling me I'm sweet I am sure there are some at home who would disagree LOL Funny how husbands are mine is the same way some men just define themselves by what they do than you have to pat them on the head and tell them what a great job they did??? I asked mine a few weeks ago to stay with my mother and yack yack yack he went and I said look buddy I took care of your mother non stop 24/7 while your were on the road week after week for 9 months you can stay with my mother for a hour who the hell is gonna take care of me when I get sick if I get sick before you do YOU? Well you better get your shit together cuz You will take care of me and do it the right way or I'll come back and haunt your ass. period the end can't make it any plainer than that. I kknow I just found out about a little florida girl that died in a car accident her dad is in the hospital her sister is in the hospital her mom a teacher is out of sick days and paid days off and the community is having a yard sale, donations, bake sale etc to get them some money so they can bury the poor little thing and such a sweet looking face. So had my yearly cry. yes, some have it worse than others , I think you dad feels so bad about his loss of control he feels guilty and thinks you hate him because of all you do for him, course if he has any dementia it won't make any difference what the situation is he is going to think what he wants Its so hard I do know but don't take it personally its not personal they have to deal with things they aren't used to and they are scared, they know they are at the end of their life and I imagine for most it is scary me well someone said well its good you are vertical I said yep but I ain't afraid to be horizontal either. At least I will be at peace. So if you feel like having a pity party just let me know what to bring, we celebrate everything else why not that after all we are only human and God gave us those emotions so use them. There is a great email going around about God creating woman, and she cries and he tells Michael the Archangel that she is soft yet hard she crys when she is happy, she cries when she is sad, because Michael thought God did something wrong to her and she was leaking. She cries when she's stressed and thats the way God made woman. So be the wonderful, smart beautiful woman you are and cry. I have a hard time with that one I was brought up called a crybaby when I was a kid I cried about everything but than my marine dad toughened me up and made me believe it was a weakness so now I bottle it all up and am tough as nails and hate it so teaching myself to cry once in awhile still haven't gotten it down pat yet looking forward to the day I can cry and my husband will just hold me and if he don't want to well I'll just sit in his lap and make him so there! Take care and have a great shower for your daughter, neon
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Neon, you're so sweet, and funny too. I love your sense of humor. Thanks for asking about the help, but unfortunately I don't want to start spending his money needlessly. It is so costly, and his money is tied up in annuities, and what little he has left is going to go to assisted living pretty soon, but I am in the process of obtaining guardianship/conservatorship, hearing is next week. I see no problem, since I am the only child left, and he has no other interested family members, they don't want to be involved. I shouldn't complain, and feel ashamed sometimes, but my husband doesn't like babysitting while I go to the store. He has more important things to be doing. Yeah right! This morning I had asked him to watch my dad for a couple hours so I could go with my daughters and buy the last minute things for the baby shower for my daughter, which is tomorrow, and I'm hosting 30 people. I guess I have to go tonight after dad goes to bed. He doesn't want to leave him for one hour while he is outside doing chores, because he says dad starts going around the house snooping. I told the hubby, never mind, I'll go by myself later tonight. Funny, the last two weekends in a row, he got to go snowmobiling with my daughters, and some friends while I stayed home to cook, clean, and of course do the laundry, and to hear dad tell me I don't listen to him, care about him, and I make him feel guilty about his potty problems. I have never said anything about that, I figured he felt bad enough. I want to very much cry right now out of frustration and resentment, WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!! Sorry, I know things could be so much worse, and all of you have it way worse than I, but I feel safe here, and I know that you all will not judge me, unlike others around here. Very Nauseated
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About the login problem. Tech people are working on this. I find it irritating, too. I'll forward your note to keep them going!

Please let me know about tech problems so I can let the proper people know.

Carol
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Hello, Poor Nauseated, Is there not someone you can have come in and either do some laundry and help out with some of the house chores, take the money out of Dads account. That would bring you a little relief, I told my husband until mom goes his home is not going to be spotless anymore, its a thankless job, I know you have to keep the bath room clean but I don't have to dust and vac I can cook and she can't even put the food leftovers away. How usless a person. and this is my mother but my sister and I always did her housework and I just die everytime she tells me she was such a great housekeeper, when I moved them down from MD I could hardly stand the smell in the house have no clue what it was and don't want to know, so today we go shopping I am thrilled to pieces it takes her three hours, this is my card playing night, after this week her choices are shopping on Tues or Thursdays I am tired of taking my weekends to do her bidding, isn't five days aweek enough, its not like she can't do anything for herself. She sure can feed herself but not anybody else, its all about me me me me. Need to write a song and start singing it MEMEMEME or is that fa so la de do me ??

llg yes you have to log in I usually read the messages log in back space twice and hit refresh than type and submit.

I hope things will change for you soon nauseated, Can he wash himself and feed himself, it might be time for a nursing home I don't mean that to sound cruel but thats what they are there for and as us boomers get older I am sure most of us will end up there, I have decided that if I have to go over to one I am going to take over activities or something and keep them people hopping. LOL
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llg, that seems to be a common occurrence. That's something else we all seem to have in common. LOL Are you logged in before posting? It seems to want you to log in before posting. Naus
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OK, on a completely different subject, I've lost all the text after pressing submit button today - anyone know what I am doing wrong? This is becoming very frustrating...........
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Nauseated
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llg great advice! I feel like I'm going to explode right now! I have absolutely no time to myself, not even to sit here and post. I get 15min in the morning and 15min in the afternoon, to take and pick up my daughter from school. Once in a blue moon I might get my husband to actually babysit dad for 1 hr, so I can get some errands ran, and shopping done, but that's it. Then he is on the phone calling me....where are you? When are you going to be back? What's for dinner? WaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaH! The rest of my day is, laundry, laundry, and more laundry, mostly sheets and towels of course. Just when I think I'm getting caught up on my own laundry, oooops! I need to wash more sheets, and towels. Also, the bathroom rugs, and sanitizing the bathroom three times a day, just so none of the other eight people who are here a lot (family) does not get sick. OCD wins again! LOL Is it just me? I feel like such a cry baby again! Nauseated
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Thanks so much. I'll keep everyone updated on how it goes
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motherofmax, Not sure what happened - hit the submit button and lost everything I wrote, so I'll try again. I totally understand your frustation. Mom has had bowel incontinence since her stroke over ten years ago. And now that she is struggling with Alzheimers, we can't even convince her to go into the bathroom half the time.

Adult daycare has been a godsend to me. I take Mom 3 days a week, about 6 hrs a day. She fights it, but seems to enjoy the people and activities when she's there. The staff is wonderful. I go to Starbucks, bikeride, see a movie, even go to my doctors when Mom is at daycare. Those 18 hrs are all mine and help maintain what little sanity is left. Believe me, at one point I was suicidal. Please everyone, seek whatever help you need. Don't ever let it get so out of control that you are at risk. It is hard to fight your way back.
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motherofmax
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Thanks so much. I totally agree with you. We haven't even had a family outing in over a year now. It's time to have a serious talk with my ex. I want to spend time with my-mom-in-law but I also want to spend time with my daughter and I feel she's been neglected due to this situation. We used to do so many fun things together and I want that back. At least a little anyway. Thanks again Carol and I will take your advice seriously. Have a great day.
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motherofmax, you need to take care of yourself, here. So, her son doesn't want the guilt and bother? Nothing new, there. She's the grandmother of your daughter and you may care greatly about her as a person, but you can't keep doing this. I've been there.

Her suicide threat is something her son needs to forget about. That's a control thing, and it's controlling you, and he's letting it control you. If she needs a nursing home (and it sounds like she does) she will get hospice care there, you can visit as often as you want, but your visits won't be about cleaning carpets, they will be real visits. It will be a much better quality of life for all of you.

Adult day care likely won't take her with her incontinence, at least that's my experience.

Anyway, I think you are being controlled by your ex-husband as he passes the decisions and guilt on to you. Please do something. You are getting medical help for yourself, but you need relief from this and then you can give her the kind of company she really needs from you through your visits.


Carol
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Thank you so much Neon. I have seen the Notebook and it is an awesome movie. Well, I would hide all her panties from her if she wore them. But alas, she won't wear anything. Sometimes I catch her sitting in the living room butt-naked. Oh Lord, what a site! I am going to keep on my ex-husband about the adult-daycare. Something has to be done soon. Thanks for the input.
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hello mother of max,

I hope you will have a good day. I took care of my mother-in-law with Alzheimers and she had the poop thing going on to and the pee thing, if necessary remove all panties from her drawer if she insists on wearing a pair fine but buy some adult pull ups they aren't quite as bulky as they used to be and put them in her drawer and I suggest in the bathroom to if you have room, I also had a small bucket with soapy water under the sink for dirty panties, I don't know about yours but mine would get it everywhere I used to ask her if she was a shit and spin I mean it was on the walls, shower curtain, sink floor, toilet, wall and that was just one bowel movement and as they get older they have more than one believe me. Good luck but Adult day care is not a bad idea and no one should feel guilty about putting a parent in the nursing home they aren't the looney bins they used to be. The ones we have here have all sorts of entertainment and the residents make friends and it really might be good for her like day care for 3 year olds. sometimes they make such good friends that it is good when they start to forget who their family are an don't take that personal if it happens its just part of the disease, watch the notebook, great story. But realistic.
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Welcome all newbes you are at the right place we care and share
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