I moved my mother into my husband's and my home in November of 2005. She had fell at home and broke her hip. She was not able to live on own any longer anyway. This gave us an excuse to move her into our home. She was a very independent woman before the accident, but things have changed in the last few months.
Her short term memory is not good at all any more. She can not wheel herself around the house any longer.
She just got out of the hospital back in June about a 2 week stay with a blockage in her colon and then she contracted VRE. That is not fun to have in the home. I felt so sorry for her.
I am starting to have crying sessions it seems like every other day anymore. I do not see my mother any longer I see a person declining quickly. I am feeling overwhelmed and I don't think my family sees it. I have told them I need to get away for a few days, but that never seems to happen. No one has time to watch or be with mom except me. I am the only child so this is all on my shoulders. Her brother is not any help they have not spoke in several years now.
I do not know if I am just going through a stage or if I am starting to get depressed. I am with mom almost 24/7 except when a homemaker comes in daily. A person can go to Walmart just so many times to get out of the house. I seem to have lost my friends because I can not get together with them anymore.
This on-line discussion is a life line for me. This way I can communication with people and see how they handle different things that come up in their caregiving also.
So if anyone has advice please let me know how to get myself under control.
Losing Control
I am already taking medication for depression, anxiety and sleep. I need help. A hospice nurse comes in once a week, but just takes her B.P. and gives her more pills for the diahrea. I've suggested to her son that maybe she should in a nursing home, but he's reluctant to do that because she threatened suicide if he ever did. Now I'm looking into Adult-Day-Care but he doesn't even want try that because it would transporting her all time. I have no friends or relatives in this state to help out. Any one have any suggestions??
Carol, according to the Alzheimers clinic here, we should start thinking about a place for Mom, but I am in denial. I guess for me it means we're nearing the end and not something I am ready for yet.
Neon - right there with you on the mail. Mom's obsession is putting the mail in neat little piles everyday. For that matter, that seems to be a general obsession. She lines up everything in my brother's room - drives him crazy. And you should see how she folds and lines up Kleenex in perfect little squares. It helps me to laugh sometimes - the other night she took everything off her bureau and put it in the drawers - she had heard it was going to very windy on the east coast. We live in the AZ desert.
this is the place to be, you can vent, be encouraging, share your experiences and everyone understands. First and foremost you have to take care of you to be the best care giver you can be and that means your family to and we can't always have things turn out the way we want. My mother refuses to go anywhere except the doctor, the highlight of her life, the bank and to the dollar store for candy. and fun stuff. So be it I thought we would do things to gether but I just chauffer and lug and haul all the crap in and I make her put it away. Or it just sits. Because she doesn't want to do anything except get the mail. She has a fixation on the mail like I care what mail she gets, but I know my mom and she is saying stuff to others that she doesn't want me to know about and hey thats okay, I am not a spy don't want to be a spy and sometimes if you hear stuff about you when you know it isn't true it ticks you off and don't want to go there either. So I just let her do what she wants most of the time, make sure she's fed and clean, warm and goes to her doctors appointments and she doesn't do what they tell her to do either so its just a matter of time.
On a normal note don't forget to SPRING FORWARD THIS WEEK END Oh boy just what we need one less hour of sleep.
Take care everyone Neon
I'm so glad you are getting professional help. You will get to a point where you'll have to start looking at a memory unit in assisted living or a nursing home for your mother, for both of your sakes. You can only do this so long.
A lot of people are in very loving relationships with their elders, but a lot of people are afraid they will look bad if they say anything else. When I speak to groups, I give people permission to say that sometimes they hate it all, even if they love the person who was, and I see a lot of nodding heads.
You'll get real honesty here, because people aren't hiding behind propriety. Some in-person groups have people who are very honest, too. However, if you are only hearing lovinig things, it makes me wonder. People are supposed to be in the group to break the isolation and learn they aren't alone - even with negative feelings. Maybe this is a group that is very blessed, and that's wonderful. But, maybe you aren't the only one there with conflicting emotions and depression. You are just the one willing to admit it.
Keep taking care of yourself, and please come back here.
Carol
My older brother and I share a house in AZ (Mom lives with us) but he is dealing with his own issues - very worried about losing his retail job. So he's depressed and not much help. My younger brother lives in SD so he can't help. I retired in 2006 with the anticipation Mom would need more care, but never realized how much harder it would get. They say she is still in the moderate stage, but lately she has been deteriorating quickly. The delusions are more prevalent and the irritability is increasing. Mostly I just wanted to vent .................
Carol
Now I have daily struggles begging my mother to get out of bed and getting fussed at every step of the way. I guess this is one of the symptoms of Alzheimers as she seems to sleep most of the time and I don't know whether to scream or cry.
My dad is a sweetheart most of the time although he and I both get frustrated and aggrivated about my mother's condition at the same time, which is hard. He is waiting on my sister-in-law to bring my neice over as they have been in town from Florida for 3 days and have not bothered to come by to visit her grandparents, which also pisses me off as I wasn't brought up to be so disrespectful. I guess they are too busy shopping and going out to eat with my sister-in-law's mother and we are always at the bottom of their priority list when they are is in town.
And people wonder why I am a bitch and have an attitude ....... go figure.....
God is the great Physician and Counselor. He is the one who loves your soul, and will see you through. Praying for your health and heart and strength in the Lord. He sees all and knows all, and is willing to help if we just surrender to him.
Dare, when you come to the end of yourself, God is there. When we can no longer hang on, he carries us. I am sorry to hear you are sick. I pray you ask God to heal and help you. He is better than any drug or psychologist
Do what you must to take care of yourself.
Carol
On the stress issue, I ordered some stuff from the alzheimers association. They are very good about sending free stuff. can give email addressess here? Just in case: they are a non profit and they are alz, dot, org.
Not that the materials helped directly with stress, but it did help educate me to the disease process.
Keep coming back here to let us know how you are doing.
Take care,
Carol
You will find this sight to be a "sanity keeper". You are doing an amazing job, but it is very hard under the best of circumstances. You will find a lot of good suggestions and support here.
Can you get someone to come in a few hours everyday? I don't know if you have facilities where you live that can help with that, but you can contact local organizations, even churches can help sometimes. Does your support group have information for respite care?
We all know how tired you are and it takes energy to find help, but it will help you in the long run. Let us know more about your situation, and what we can do to help. You must take care of yourself, and we will help in any way we can. Let us hear from you. God Bless
I see from your profile that you are the main person caring for your mom. There are many people who are in the same situation, and being the primary caregiver for a mom with Alzheimers is extremely wearing. There is no magic bullet for stress, but many of us have found that chatting on this board helps. I hope you will let us know what specifically is going on with you and anything else you would care to share with us.
Speaking for myself, when I found this site I spent alot of time just reading others stories and following their posts - it was amazing to find so many people who understood and were going through similar challenges. I found I could ask anything, and eventually I found a safe place to shake off the burden and stress for even a few minutes. We all have different tips - you might want to browse posts and see what resonates with you. Or if you care to share more, we can make suggestions. There are family caregivers and a couple of professional caregivers who bring amazing perspective to the subject. The moderator, and writers all are amazing and nothing surprises them - so if you would like to post to a specific person's private wall you can do so.
Welcome to the club. I hope being here helps
Cat
Welcome friend. Not only do you fit right in; you have brought up an issue that we all think about as caregivers. It doesn't matter whether your experience is family, professional, or both. We are all mortal and what you are so thoughtfully bringing up today is something we will all face at some point in our lives. I am very touched at how thoughtful and gentle you were in describing your situtation and the fact that you are looking for a sounding board, support and other viewpoints on how to approach both your own decline and the reactions of your children and grandchildren. Just reading your first post has given me insights and a sense that if you can handle it, so can I.
Coincidently I had been doing some reading on intentional communities while mulling over the issue of my own mortality. The conversation you have started echos that of others who have chosen to be self-directed. I guess caregiving is a double edged sword - we give tirelessly to care for others, and in doing so have our eyes opened to our own future, and the possible behaviour of our family members when it is our turn. Perhaps in the end though, it is a blessing in disguise - we can accept what is with grace, and choose to be proactive in areas that are now still under control.
Madyankee - thank you so much for being so open with a problem that will help us all plan too.
Welcome to this sight. I feel I really have someone to identify with(besides Cat, she's my cyber-bud!), because you and I have been or will be on both sides of that fence.
I am currently a paid caregiver after taking care of my dad for 8 years. And have recently been talking to my son about the very things you are addressing. I posted once, that we do not talk about these things with our parents or them with us, so there is a lot of confusion, resentment, ect.
I applaud you for thinking about your children and what they may have to witness, or help you with. The bottom line is....what do you want to do? Stay with family until you and them know it is time for assisted living or a nursing home? Do your children know what they will be asked to do?
No, it is not a very happy subject, but we all have to do it some time or other.
And we did and do get to see what the families go thru when hired aid comes in.God Bless you for thinking of your children and I pray a good outcome for everyone. Thank you for sharing....
Your children may be uncomfortable with this conversation, but give yourself and them the credit they will understand you are thinking ahead and trying to make things as easy as possible on everyone, yourself included. Let us know what happens.
So, please keep coming back You belong here and your wisdom will be welcome.
Carol
I need help to prepare my children for what is to come. I need help to make it as easy on them as possible. They did not get to see the worst of my experience before, just what I considered the easiest parts and some freaked, some denied it was happening. They knew I had trouble walking basically. I need to know the problems you face when it is your family you are caring for. I cared for strangers.
I want them to be able to keep their lives, and not get too upset. I know they will get uspet some but I want to keep it as minimal as possible.
So is it ok for me to be here?
Also, I know about the crying, I used to let their children vent to me which helped them but I also hugged and held them and let them cry. A few I talked into hugging and holding the family member, telling them I love you so much and cry. So many times it made it family member feel better and the geriatric patient feel needed and useful. Even very ill people need this and can give love and comfort.
Please try it for both of you.
You are right that we all just have today. You mentioned early grieving. I am so glad you recognize that. People often aren't aware they are grieving, as our society "tells us" we grieve at the death of a loved one. Well, we grieve even more as we watch their decline. It's exhausting mentally, physically and emotionally. You are doing well in trying to take care of yourself. That's so hard, when you likely just want to sit and cry.
Not needing to know how he is every moment is good. It's part of detaching with love. You know you are doing all you can, and you can't "fix" this.
Blessings to you. We'll watch for updates.
Carol