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Great post, Annie. This is a supportive site and a wealth of knowledge. I know you'll add to that. Your attitude is great, and your husband must be a gem.

Blessings,
Carol
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Pintos, just a little hint here that might help. After the potty 'bucket' is cleaned, before you return it to the potty chair, put a little liquid in there before it gets used. Water or liquid lysol works great. Just a small amount will keep a lot of that from sticking. Also, putting water in it after it is used and swishing it around some but before you try to dump it helps it to turn loose and ease the pains of trying to get it cleaned and back in place.
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"Sometimes she recalls it, but I am having to argue more."

Please try not to argue with someone who has a failing memory. It just leads to both parties being upset. Unless it directly involves their safety, try your best to just let it pass. They can't help it but you can soothe things over by just letting it pass after one attempt to help them remember. Let them think you are wrong, after awhile it doesn't hurt any more. After all, we're there to help them, not help ourselves.

My Mother's forgetfulness is reaching epidemic proportions which does cause more frustrations all around but there is no recovering that memory, we just have to deal with it. Yes, we naturally don't like to be called a liar but the way to prevent that is to not make an issue of what they lose or forget. It doesn't gain anything in the long run to have these confrontations but it is sure difficult to change our own reactions to others and just turn loose and let some things slide by.

Basically, it's called 'survival.' Adapt, adjust, learn to live with what is and not what was. You'll feel better about things if you can reach that state of mind.

Remember, they're the child now and we can't be punishing them verbally or otherwise for what they no longer know.

I won't bore you with the trials ands tribulations I'm going through trying to get Mother's income tax documents together, but I will say this: Had I known that she had decided to protect herself from identiy theft by shredding everything that came in the mail that had her SS number on it, I might not be chasing around now trying to get duplicates of all those documents. She got confused about things she was hearing on TV and decided she'd not sit by and let that happen to her. :) But, within a week she had forgotten about doing all that shredding. Just smile, do what has to be done, we can't change what has already happened.
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Hey Neon! thanks so much for your words of encouragement!
You are one strong, clear minded sistah!!! I wish I had that kind of moxi!
I still feel like a alone , lost child ...trying to deal with reality comin at me full force.

My momz is 81...and the memory is getting worse...she is forgetting things and when I tell her what happened that afternoon( the thing she forgot) she argues that she never said , or did it!
Sometimes she recalls it, but I am having to argue more. I am afraid of the unknown...is it what I am fearing? alzheimers?dementia?
Anywayz...I am just begining to recover from dealing with her , after having shoulder surgeory. Shes healing beautifully, but I have never felt such aloneness in my life during that time....My friends, 1 I counted on for verbal support....didn't truly want to be bothered with me, and was there on the phone... but I could tell wanted to deal with her life and her life only at that time.
The other, never asked about my momz...nor does she when we do speak....
It was just me and Jesus...a lot of tears, and emotional pain...yet I got through it, and so did momz.
Now this... I know this isnt much compared to many of you ladies and your situations....but I just had to say it..." I am scared , and I am angry " Scared of whats happeneing( momz memory loss) and angry( because I am constantly reminding her or trying too... constantly answering the same questions, constantly explaining why, when, where....and constantly feeling like a liar( cause she doesnt believe me on things) I am alone in this.
I know there are meds to help, but thats all I know about it.
I just wish I could have a life....after coming so far from my own illness, situations... I am 41 , single, no kids...which I want desperaetly....will i get a chance?
Sorry guys feeling a little sorry for myself tonight.
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hello 195Austin, Yeh I have heard of lysol but I was refering to when I have to dump the bucket into to toilet sometimes it just does not want to come out, but eventually after a few bangs on the toilet it will come out. Then I put it in the shower a clean it and yes with lysol! sorry if I upset you I was just venting like the rest of you.
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Hello one and all!
I, too, am a caregiver to my father. He is at n-stage Alzheimer's Disease and has lived with me for the past seven (7) years. Oh the stories I could share over these past seven (7) years! LOL! I am not an only child; however, one would think I was given my brother does nothing for daddy or for me for that matter. I do have one son and he is fantastic with grandpa. He and his wife. They are always available to help me out.
I have used so many agencies, I doubted there were any left. None gave the care I wanted daddy to have and they charged a small fortune. I finally, after many tears and many nights filled with curses, followed my dear hubby's advice and started my own agency. Now, not only do I take of daddy, but I also provide care to numerous other patients throughout the day. I have become the "go to gal" when AD is involved!
Is it hard? Yep! Is it worth it? You bet it is! Would I trade one day of it? Not on your life!
If anyone gets to the end of their rope, email me or contact me, or whatever. I am a pretty good listener, a great cheerleader, and sometimes have a solution or two up my sleeve!
Take care of you. Give yourself permission to not always be happy you are a caregiver and take time for you, no matter when you take it, or where! Soemtimes the good Lord provides blessings in the strangest places!
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Pinto- this is not earth shaking but if you spray something like lysol in the comtainer of the commode it is easier to clean-been there done that= have you tried miramx there is a generic one it seems to be a good gentle laxative it seems to do well if used about 3 days a week and it is not gritty so you can hide it in juice or coffee.
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False alarm! I just had to cover her feet & legs up.
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NEON, I put depends on her she will not poop in them she wants me to keep running in there to put her on the pot! and I will give her amodium AD after around 3 days of of spills. Thats when she keeps ringing the phone saying she has to go when she does not! Im getting so sick of the phone I sometimes wish that I had not shown her how she could ring us if she needed anything. My bedroom#2 my sons room3 kitchen1 and by gosh there it goes ringing! HAHA shes ready gotta go! pintos
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see Austin, help does help, gee how deep is that? Glad you got a little help to get him out and about. I don't feel so wise most of the time but so glad I can be of a little help. Hey I am trying to help alot of people going to put my two cents in this mortgage crisis the US is having something to side track me just had me a little interview with the BBC now if I can find someone right here in the good ole U S of A. by the time I get done my husband will finally be right the biggest thing on me is my yep you guessed it MOUTH! NEON
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Pintos, hey that could be it too many pintos LOL tell her doc its probably some meds she takes that make her spell it . makes you smell it! When I took care of my mother in law she took meds for diabeates and I swear she would crap and spin I never seen so much spell it all over the bathroom in my life, on the wall, shower curtain, toilet, sink, floor her etc. Can she take a anit diaraah tablet ? if all else fails there are depends, and it don't depend on whether she wants to wear it or not she must if she has to go all the time you have to find some way to help yourself you are only one person. My heart goes out to you I took care of MIL my dad and now my mom and it is a job I am worn out by the time Its time to take care of my husband I'll be all gone. NEON Hey keep coming back
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hey everyone, This is my 2nd post! how I can relate to all of you. I wish that I could just hide somewhere but I cant I would just be found! My mom is driving me crazy with her diahrea ,she either wont stop going or she just keeps telling me she has to shit and that is just how she says it by spelling it, she seems to think that by doing that its not the same as saying it. She is constantly calling me telling me she has to go, I have to get her out of bed she cannot get out by her self, then I have to walk her to the portable potty pull her diaper down put her on get her up pull her diaper back up then I get to clean out the bucket either with #1or2 thats alot of fun. Then it is back to bed, then I get to change my Dads diaper because he is bed ridden cannot walk. He just lays in bed, sometimes we get him out but it takes at least 2 of us to do it. I too have good days and bad yesterday was bad! today is ok so far but it has just started so who knows. Tomorrow i have to take my mom to the doctors she has 2 different appointments, so I have to find someone that will come and set with Dad, Thats a challenge too! everybody is always busy. well thanks for letting me vent I have no one else to talk to they dont understand and some just dont care! I am glad that I found this site . overwhelmed.
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Neon- thank you for your words of wisdom-it really helps me get through the day, we went shopping with our aide yesterday and I almost enjoyed the whole thing it was so much easier with his help- the husband did not have one meltdown
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good Morning to all of you. Remember someone does love you and its Jesus go to him there are things we can take care of but those we have no control over we must just give to him and let him take care of them, don't try to take them back. Find some time to do something for you today. Color your hair, do your nails take a soaky bath/shower, read a chapter, crochet two rows of something, fix your favorite meal, spend some time with a friend I know if you can find one, a real friend will be there for you the rest just want to suck you dry believe me I've been there did that. time to do some weeding. I'm not talking about your garden either. Get rid of the crap deal with the parent the best you can even if you have to leave the room to collect your thoughts, Mine wants me to write little notes each day so she knows what needs to be done??? hey lady you live there if your idea living there is a room a tv and meals sounds like anursing home to me. don't have time for little notes so am going to childproof the house. who knew at 60 I would do that again. LOL bring out the blow bubbles, the crayons and coloring books and whatever that makes her happy cartoons yes she does all of the above and can only talk about her child hood knows everything about us but doesn't know nothing never remembers anything except we weren't there for her heaven forbid we should grow up the only reason they wanted us to grow up was to work and bring home money. Yes, I grew up with poverty and verbal and physical abuse to but in those days it was okay to be treated substandard. And this they believe was being good parents. Lord have mercy on us all. This is the place to be I check it everyday sometimes don't have time to post but I feel all your pain it is the same we are in the same boat thank God we still have one oar left. We are sisters in more ways than one. God Bless us all and remember we are not in control and either are "they" It is what it is and thats all it is and unfortunately I've said it before we all have to die some go better than others and I have observed that a hateful spirit will have more trouble with dying than a peaceful one. Please everyone have a peaceful spirit. in spite of what you are dealing with today. love and hugs to all Neon
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Mslisadoll, thank God you have a friend you can get out of the house, and be around. I am afraid my situation may be heading down the same road at times.
You are strong for just living your life in the midst of it....You have courage...we all do....we just need to a pat on the back sometimes, for someone to say" well done","youre not alone","and go ahead complain , get pissed,it is unfair.!""its ok to cry"- then we can find the next moment a little more bearable.
This is a good place to get the comfort we need.
God Bless,
enjoy your time out.
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Well, I feel a little "nauseated" tonight. I just got home and my mom has been sleeping most of the day. Unfortunately, she doesn't know what day or month it is or if it's day or night time. Sometimes I don't know whether I want to scream or cry...but I am trying to hang in there. I am going to try to get out with a friend tomorrow to get myself out of the house for a while as I don't get to get out very often. I am so tired...I think part of it is that I don't have time to myself and am not taking very good care of myself. Any suggestions would be appreciated. I don't want to be a crybaby either...but it's hard not to be sometimes. Hope everyone else is hanging in there.

mslisadoll
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Lindam, how very sweet! thank you so much! I already feel better!!!!
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Nauseated...can I call you NOZ? hahhhaa( smile)
You are NOT a cry baby.... your feelings are valid...I know cause I get that to!!!
Same kinda words...add some cussing in too. bECAUSE OF THE FEW TIMES i HAVE READ THE MESSAGES ON THIS SITE, I feel I have gained the guts to say...WE ARE ALL GREAT KIDS!! No one else would put up with it... sometimes I feel like my life is over, even though I have never really had one.

But God says he will reward us.(We are all his angels...his angels on earth...that means you too!...) and in a way with this site, us coming together ...he is.
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Sabrina,
You are not alone. and please don't feel anything but relief when you post here. We are here for each other, and you have alot to offer with all your experiances.
I like to quote Cat, she calls this "our charmed circle". you will meet alot of people who feel the way you do and we are here to uplift each other and support our good and bad days.
So keep posting and let everyone know how you are doing. God Bless.
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Austin, Sabrina, and everyone else too, you are all such angels. I feel like such a crybaby. Will you please call the waaaaaaahmbulance for me LOL. God Bless you all, you are not alone. We are here for you, this site is a blessing! Nauseated
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Hi Roxie....I too am a only child , trying to care for a aging mother.
I also feel alone and like the world is on my shoulders. I am 41 but because much of my younger days were filled with illness that with the help of God I have managed to live through...I am not a typical 41 year old. My life has been riddled with abuse...mostly mental/verbal, poverty....I grew up watching my momz have to fight my father ..for both of our lives.
My dad died when I was 14. I quit school ( was bullied tremendously) ...I have gone on to get a ged, and start my online fashion design shoppe( not much $ but its something) I learned to drive a year 1/2 ago...got a car too.

Now momz is getting older, forgetting more, and getting meaner( verbally abusive...what more??)
I love her, and I know I will be there for her no matter waht...as she has been for me... its just that it hurts... it hurts to never do anything right, but always be called on to do something. It hurts to be critized, put down... ( it always has) but now , there is no Im sorry--only I didnt say that!( she forgets)

The forgetfulness is getting worse... and I am tired. I go througfh severe pmdd , which dont help the situation.

My friends arent there....I really dont have any. Family never was , and isnt there for me.

I pray, and cry a lot....So Roxie...I know what youre goin through. i FEELYA GURL!

mAYBE WE WILL FIND THE LOVE AND SUPPORT, AND FRIENDSHIP HERE?
I hope so.

I feel guilty I even said anything ( do you guys get that feeling too?)

Anyway , God Bless you Rox...and all you guys!
Cause your sharing your stories are blessing me...To know I am not alone.

Sabrina/brilliantinax
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Nauseated-my dear lady you are NOT a failure I have found if you do not stick up for yourself- no one else will. You have the hardest job in the world. taking the husband shopping - the 3 hrs. getting ready and the backseat driving and getting in and out of the store drove me CRAZY and now we have an aide twice a week who is willing to do the driving and helping in the store and even got the security guard to let the husband drive the handicaped moter w/c into the parking lot made our shopping spree bearable- I do not have it any thing like you do but I know I just can not handle taking him my self it is too stressfull for me I am 68 and have a host of medicial peoblems inculding two fractures in my back letting others know I have my limits has made life much better for me we know better than others what we can do and not do it does not make sense for us to push ourselves beyond what we can do.
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Neon,
Thanks for the reminder to laugh. Yesterday was a mess. Miscommunication between family members about what to do about my clients husbands abscessed tooth. His health has been declining for the past month or so, and some days I am taking care of both of them.
I finally get him to the dentist, she did a root canal AND pulled the tooth. I was livid. It is in his medical statements that he is to go to an oral surgeon because he is a free bleeder!!!!
The dentist got stupid, I got even stupider and then had to go home and call the daughter. I had to explain the dentist never came out and spoke with me about any procedures she was going to do. I would have stopped her had I known.
The daughter got on the phone with the dentist and it got ugly. And the whole time my client is griping that it is taking too long, she was tired, blah, blah, blah.
So my day was crazy. On the way home, the song by Carly Simon , You Think This Song Is About You, came on the radio. I laughed all the way home, because I couldn't decide if I wanted to dedicate the song to my client or to myself!!!!!!!
So we really need to laugh at ourselves first. I take myself way too serious and then something happens to get me to lighten up.
God Bless us all!!!!!
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Your so welcome if we don't make fun of stuff sometimes it just gets too over bearing I try to find the humor in most everything, and I find that a lot of people are so uptight they think I am being disrespectful but I'm not humor comes from pain therefore, some of us have better sense of humor than others. Its call survival honey. Hang in there with both hands just as tight as you can and laugh at anything that you find funny it really really helps and find five minutes for yourself somewhere even if you have to go to the bathroom and make faces in the mirror, stick your head out the back door and scream for 25 seconds whatever it takes thats what I do and I am not crazy by a long shot but then they say you're always the last to know LOL neon
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Neon, thanks so much for the uplift! I needed it. Quack Quack! LOL. nauseated
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Thats okay thats what we are here for. to V E N T.... I know what you mean and you shouldn't feel like a failure thats what they have those places for. You are not superwoman unless you're like me I have a Big Red S tattooed on my chest, NOT! but everybody thinks I do . I have been dealing with my mother. the trouble here is she has always played little mind games and I never know when its a game or if its the real thing I think she is losing it refuses to talk to anyone, won't go anywhere, everything has to be her way, is ruining my entire house that I finally got after 60 years and its just a little country place nothing special but I sacrificed a lot to get it and have always taken care of my parents finacially because they never grew up just enough to have kids and I won't go there thats another venue.

Let him sulk he probably won't remember it when he wakes up anyway. I know in the last two years my cholesterol won't go down, now I have HB and take two of those lovely little zombie tablets and I have a 30% blockage in my heart not to mention my nerves or what I have left of them. I have made my mind up and it won't be long when the time comes thats what they are there for she is going. I am only one person, the hired help who doesn't get payment its all about her always has been and will be till the end. I know I sound crass but it is what it is if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck its gotta be a duck. Its always my fault probably just like you no matter what the subject is. I wonder what it's like to be perfect oh well I'll never know no sense wondering about that there is mother to take care of LOL and thats the way it is Tues. Feb 17, 2009. don't give up on yourself you have already shown who you are and you are Fabulous!! I know I am how do you like that for boosting your self. I do it all the time or I wouldn't be able to cope. neon
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Well Ladies and Gentlemen, after all the preaching I've been giving others about patience, etc., today I blew it all to hell. I need to vent right now, and this is better than continuing an argument that's not going to be understood anyway. I went OCD today, and had to sterilize everything Dad touches, like I do everyday, because he claims he washes his hands, but I'm not seeing evidence of that unless I supervise. After changing poopy sheets, that I just changed the other day, and having to do it again, and then getting yelled at because I'm not going to mail all his tax info out of state instead of letting me help him do it in my state, and he doesn't even have all the interest statements yet anyway.....blah blah blah, I just lost it after he yelled at me and said you know it all, just go ahead and do it yourself. I lost it and said, you don't have to put up with me too much longer. He said promise? I said that's a promise! I said be careful what you wish for you just might get it. I then said I hope I never become like you! He said I hope I never become like you! I said don't worry you won't! That's your problem! Now he is sitting on the couch as usual, sulking, or napping because all this arguement did was wear his poor frail body out! My heart is racing so wildly right now. My health cannot take any more of this abuse. venting! He is going to have to go to assisted living. This is not what I wanted to do. I thought I could handle this, but I cannot. I will probably feel like a failure when I do though, and will probably worry more. Sorry, just venting!!!!!!!!!!!!
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beemo,i really don't want anything from her my husband and i are truly willling to walk away from any inheritane we only wanted to honor her and keep her home where she wanted to be, I just feel as though she has no respect for me or my husband.
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Hi Ms Tish

Don't feel bad. I gave up everything to move in with my mother also. She and my stepfather left everything and I mean EVERYTHING (even their cash assets) to my daughter, who they claim they had raised simply because she'd spend a few weeks here and there with them during her lifetime
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MIL REALLY BROKE MY HEART.Husband and have been doing this alone foralmost a year.No help from outside,or family, yet brother comes to visit last night 2nd time in 7 weeks, and all of a sudden she's telling him its time to sell the house and go to a nursing home. Would you not think this would have been something she may have told the two people who have given up EVERYTHING to be here 24/7.The two that will be homeless, needing to start a new life.I am pissed off excuse my language, but i am hurt. As i said to husband this morning we will be the ones expected to get this house ready to be sold.... alot of things will need to be addressed before it will pass inspectiion, husband has already put in hundreds of hours and dollars( she has money)who will have to paack it all find the home deal with it all,, ME...... i'M SORRYthis inwriting seems very selfish of me but somewhere deep inside i thought just maybe she could see what we have and are doing here.
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