Needing to vent: Our parents are like children.

Charde, you are definately not lazy! Look at what you do, and cut yourself some slack. Your mother is so very blessed to have you. I'm caring for my father age 74, with no other siblings. My Mom, and Brother both died a year apart many years ago, so it's just me. He doesn't have any idea how lucky he is sometimes. A lot of times he has said to me "I never asked for your help, I don't need your help, and I don't want it". "I don't like you, and what you have become". I can deal with that now, because I now know that's not true." You are a good person to care for your mother all by yourself, of course it is tiring and depressing. Just know that you must take care of YOU too. Bless you, and take care!

Dear Roxie,
I just read what you posted a while ago, today, 2/16/09.
It made me want to cry because I see my Mom declining too. I am single and my father has already passed away several years ago. I have no siblings living. I am alone caring 24/7 for my aging Mom. she can move around a little bit but someone needs to be here. Her balance is not very good and her legs are weak. I am trying to juggle Mom's diabetes as well as my own. I mess up though sometimes.
I never had a lot of friends to begin with, now I have none. I feel responsible for Mom. I cannot afford a home health aide more than eight hours a week. It is only then that I sprint to my own doctor for an hour. I race there and race back.
It takes me an hour to get there and an hour to get home. I spend an hour thus I have thirty minutes to breathe...while waiting for public transportation back to the station where I parked the car.
I cannot tell the difference between lazy and depressed. All I want to do is sleep.
All I do is clean up after my Mom, cook, manage medication, laundry, and personal bathing, not to mention getting dressed and reading mail to her too.
I do not have a life. And I am sad and ...well depressed about it. There is no one to help me...just out of pocket paid health aides.

Oh I apologize. I doubt anything I have written provided any support. I do not have any suggestions. As you can see, I am a bit overwhelmed with my own caretaking responsibilities. I hope something positive happens for you and your family. Best wishes...

Breakdown - did they say that a social worker will be working with you- do not worry right now they are trying to get things under control but you have the right to have the doc talk to you a lot of hospitals in our area have hospital docs called hospitalist who report back to your MD but when my husband is in the hospital I insist being informed of what is going on by the doc every few days- the personal did not treat you right even if they are busy they should explain things to you and be interested in how you feel and if you can no longer care for him you need for them to listen to you- in our hospitals the social workers usually see pt.s the day they are admitted. Please do not feel bad that you can not do it any more-it gets to that point usually and remember no one is helping you. Please let me know how you are doing I care about you and boy do I wish I could talk to you in person but this site is great because whatever you are going through someone else is also and can give you some comfort-take care of yourself dear lady and write back.

well went to visit my dad, kind of got the brush off from the authorities... lol... wasn't informed of any ideas they were considering on my dads care... not surprising as i did tell them i couldn't do this anymore by myself... was told they were taking him off his stool softners and laxitives... he has internal hemorriods and takes pain meds that make him contipated... so that will be interesting when he is so stopped up and in pain due to his constipation... everytime i suggested something to them they just looked at me... i know they are once again dismissing me and my comments... now i am going to worry about dads care... seems i am damned if i do and damned if i don't... any suggestions...

Welcome all new people this is a great place to go to and share it is good to have others who understand what you are going through-I take care of my husband who is disabled and have an aide 5 hrs. twice a week.

Hey DorothyC -
just because someone has dementia and a continence problem doesn't automatically mean nursing home. Your uncle is obviously self-aware enough to know he doesnt' want to be there. The question is will you and your family be willing to do what it takes to bring him back home and if need be hire someone to help. If you dad isn't able to handle it alone - can you and others help?
The fact that someone doesn't smell & seems ok with the other residents doesn't mean much if they are aware enough to want to leave. I know how hard it is - I take care of my mom by myself and have for sometime. It takes work to retrain and help with incontinence and it takes patience and love to understand that what is easy isn't always the best.
Please understand - I have been a business manager for a SNF. I personally choose to keep my mom at home. I am single with NO help. So what I say is this - if you can make your uncles life better and bring him home do it. Facilities are not a *home*, and assisted living is not like summer camp where people get used to it and have fun - basically it sucks getting old, and not controlling your bowels and it sucks being put someplace when you are old because everyone else wants "their life back".

If you are at peace with your decision, that is great. But if part of you wonders maybe it is not his time yet. Remember that one day we all get old.

Take care

Brakedown- there is nothing wrong with having a meltdown or as my co-workers use to say a hoedown-sometimes that is the only way people will listen to you- I am so sorry for what you have gone through and are going through and am glad your daughter has been there for you. I was feeling sorry for myself today but after I read your post know I should not complain to myself about my life- at least I can get in a car and go to walmart which I should have done when my husband was having his mania the first time yesterday, he stopped taking his bi-polar meds a while ago.

hi linda thanks for your comments
yes he is interacting with other resedents the aides there tell us hes doing fine. but when we visit hes really addamint about going home yesterday he had us my sister and I go to his room with him and he went in the closet and was putting on his coat. very gut wrenching. my dad is thankful right now to get his life back..we try comfoting my uncle telling him "the boss" (what he calls my dad) isnt able to take care of him like he was. was glad myy sister was with me last night, wednesday I visited and left in tears.
sorry going on and on again.
thanks for listening

dortyc
It takes time for them to adjust to change. It sounds like this is the best place for him and it had to be very hard on your dad taking care of him. Please tell your dad how much I respect what he had done.
Has your uncle left his room? Does he get to associate with others,ect.?It will take time and lots of encourgement from all of you. Put yourself in his place, wouldn't you want to go home if you were confused and forgetful to begin with. He will be ok, and you all have made the right choice. Just be patient with him and yourselves and time will take care of his anxiety.
Hopefully he is getting to interact with other residents so he has company and distractions. Let us know how things are going.
Welcome to our sight of loving and caring people who have alot to offer.

Hi mslisadoll! I too was hesistant to comment here. Been here for a week now. Lots of wonderful caregivers here. When we read other's stories, it gives us inspiration and more courage to keep going. I'm taking care of my Dad who's 74. But you are wonderful, you are taking care of two. Just remember to take care of yourself!!!! Take Care.

Welcome mslisadoll,
I am sorry you felt hesitant to post, you will find this very supportive and non-judgemental place to put your feelings. That is one of the main things I appreciate about our sight, is not being judged.
You will find others that feel the way you do, and will be present for you. You have your hands full and was very glad to hear of your course and potential job. So you are a busy lady.......
Please keep posting and letting others get to know you. We are all different in many ways and yet the same. So again, welcome and keep us informed how things are going. God Bless.

hi I'm new here...my 80 year old dad has been caring for my uncle with sever dementia, my aunt passed away this december, after an illness. my dads been taking care of uncle for ablou6 months now. my uncle is incontinent (both bowel and urine).we just (this past monday) put him in an assisted home with a dementia ward. he went there tour and liked the place we told him he was going he was fine with it,when we visit he begs to go home, becomes very aggitated when we say he has to stay. we dont know what to do...dads thinking of bringing back home and getting someone in the house to care for him. I fear he wont like anyone at the house. my dad is sole caretaker (this is his brother in law my mom and his wife are/were sisters)
unclle says hes getting good care, hes clean, doesnt smell, but wants to go home
we are fustrated....please help

I just moved in with my parents in November of 2008. Both of my parents are elderly and not in very good health, especially my 74 year old mother. She has the beginning stages of alzheimers and a had an emergency colostomy in May of last year, when I also got laid off from my job. She also had a stroke, heart attack and 3 knee replacements in 2007. My 83 dad also has several health problems including a heart attack (with a defibrillator that was improperly replaced). I am 40 years old and can relate to what a lot of you said about not being able to get out of the house (except to go to Walmart). to have time to yourselves and not many of my "friends" seem to understand. I try to take an occassional road trip as I have the time and money to. I am also trying to take an online medical transcription course to occupy my time and they also have job placement so that I may possibly be able to work at home upon completion of the course. My brother, who lives in Orlando, comes up when he can but he has a business and his family and cannot come to relieve me very often. Otherwise, I have no relief and no one to talk to here. It is frustrating to see both of my parents' health decline with nowhere to go and no one to talk to, but I am doing the best I can, but it is discouraging at times. I was hesitant to comment on this website, but unfortunately I have limited options here. I love my parents very much and know in my heart that I am doing the right thing, but it does get overwhelming at times. I appreciate any comments and/or suggestions that anyone has to offer. Thank you!

beemo,
Rest assured someone up there loves you. And we do too. We all have this wonderful, blessed place to come and have our feelings without judgment. It helps just to know we are not alone with our feelings and thoughts.
Take care of yourself. You really don't need her permission to have some time to yourself. I hope you find a way to have a little time off.
Let us know how you are doing. God Bless.

Hi .. I'm Judy .. A few of the things on this board sound just like my situation. First of all, I'm an only child. I worked for a major telephone carrier and everyone got laid off due to a loss of contract a few years ago. Ironically, at that same time, my mother was in the hospital due to a chronic heart condition. She was dying. After my father passed 3 years ago, I refused to move in with her as we don't have a very good history due to her mental illness. She's had OCD and major issues her entire life. I went through hell long before this and now it's far worse due to dementia and Alzheimer's disease. The last stroke was in August of last year and she's been kind of in and out of reality since. I had to move in with her when I thought she was dying. I got her medications straight, administered them properly and literally pulled her back from the jaws of death. She cusses me out, is upset if I don't go to bed at the exact time she does and not watch tv in the bedroom; The list goes on and on. My daughter was left the house and all assets by my stepfather and mother and she refuses to assist me in any way with her care, not even a respite occasionally. I feel like a prisoner. I can certainly relate to the person who says, "Just how many times can you go to Walmart" and that she doesn't even have friends anymore since she cannot break free for any time to have a social life. That describes me to a tee. I've tried every social program out there, including Dept of Aging to no avail. I either get that the funds are exhausted or there's a 2 to 3 year waiting list. My Stepfather left my mother in good shape insurance-wise and his social security (Widow's pension) pays the bills. She gets a pension from him each month to do with as she pleases and expects me to pay for any repairs that arise within HER HOME! I have to do so and tell her this and then withdraw it from her checking account in secret. If there's a hell on earth, I certainly have found it. Finally, I'm 62 and able to draw my social security (which will be very little) but wanted to wait till I'm 66. Unfortunately, I have to be here at this thankless caretaker job with no income. How's that for stress? P.S. I have a kind heart and have done so much for my family with nothing in return (never asked either). Sure hope someone up there likes me.

HI everyone haven't been on for a while, my oldest brother has brain cancer and is blind now. His wife works two days a week at a nursing home doing hair so my little sister and I are taking turns staying with him while she works. The doctors say that there is nothing else they can do and that he will start having seizures. My brother has been a very active person all his life and not being able to do anything is driving him nuts. Is there anything he can do to pass the time so he won't be so bored. He's complaining that all he does is eat and sleep. My mom is still out in left field she is seeing things now that can't possibly be there and when we show her it's not there she will argue with you. But oh well she is still here with me and that is all that matters to me. Hope everyone is coping and are able to take a deep breath once in a while. Barb

This is one of the most loving and supportive things I have read in a long time. You not only are good with your dad, you raised a loving and caring daughter.Thank you for sharing this with us.
I hope we all take a minute to realize a Loving Power greater than us recognizes what we are doing.
My day has gotten off to a wonderful start. Thank you again for sharing.

well i did it... Brokedown in the hospital... my dad had to be taken to ER Wednesday night... he literally went from being confused and repeating himself to not knowing where he was and living in the past over a few days period... that really freaked me out... so i made the call to the proxy's... and only got yelled at... i know that this stressful on them too... but that was it... i went off on everyone and told them i was done... Now my best friend and sister is treating my like I am the one changing... too funny since she hasn't been present for his care in two years... just left everything upto me... Oh well, she can have it... i know after i calm down i will try to help some more... but my personal opinion is he now needs constant supervision... they want to hire someone in for the days... lol i laughed and asked them who was going to care for him at night... she just looked at me... I did tell her no... he doesn't even know who i am half the time... and i have been fighting with him for two years on allowing me to care for him properly... she has been with him for two days... and had the gull to be upset with me because i am not there helping her take care of him... man i just do not know why people are so clueless... my daughter came to my rescue... too funny... she stayed with me while i was at the hosp alone and saw her mom for the first time breakdown... growing up... i didn't let her see me do anything like that... wanted to share with you an email she sent out to the family...

Thank you so much for taking the time to keep us updated. Thank you for being such a strong , selfless person through this. You are truly appreciated and respected for all of the things you do in this difficult process. You always go above and beyond to keep everyone updated and informed on all the important things that happen with our family.
You are strong independent woman, and highly respected. You have always put grandpa and others needs before your own. I know that we don't know even HALF of the things you do for this family. Most of it probably goes un-noticed by most and only appreciated by some, and regardless- you continue to press on and continue doing what needs to be done. Without praise. A huge task was entrusted to you and you handled it with grace, tolerance, maturity and understanding. I just wanted to let you and everyone else know that You're AMAZING!
I sincerely hope that this event with grandpa is a wake up call for all of us and that everyone in the family will step up and do the right thing and what's best for grandpa. I know everyone loves him - and now- it's time to put him first. He has been an ever-present being in all of our lives and none of us would be who we are with out him. His health and well-being is a all of our responsibilities and we all should pitch in and help and be an active part of his life.
I love you, and thank you for being you.

Wow with everything that is so hard... God always put someone in my path to remind me, he sees me and is loving me throught them... hope with everything we all are enduring that you will be able to see you are not alone and loved...

I am trying so hard to deal with the husband in a good way but had a meltdowm with the medical group I am going to with my back problems- I had a follow-up xray done on the 3rd and hve been trying for days to get the results so I will know if the fractures have healed and lost my patience with the nures today I do not see why I have to wait so long to get the results- I am having a MRI tomarrow to get ready for a proceedure for the surgeon to inject cement into the two areas that are fractured and wanted the xray results and the husband had said he would get involved for me days ago and today he told the nurse we could wait for the result-so much for his support. I did lose my temper and should not have-so be it.

Warning! Warning! Warning!
If the elderly you're caring for is drawing SS off a deceased spouse and has had medical bills after Jan 1, you're in for a surprise. Those bills will be rejected. Don't know yet if this is a regional screwup or if it's nation wide but here is what seems to be the bottom line.

Medicare install a new computer system. Some genius who didn't test his software properly has their computers picking up the birthday of the deceased instead of the living spouse. Therefore, when a bill comes in and the SS doesn't match the birthdate, it gets rejected.

I've been on the phone most of the morning and the only answer I get is a total runaround but they tell me if you want those bills paid, you have to take a birth certificate to a SS office and basically start over.

Here's their logic. They can't make a change to the computer without authorization from the recipient. But, they DID make a change without authorization to make it wrong. They will not make the change based on what their files indicated in December. So, the policy of no changes without authorization doesn't apply when they screw up. It only applies when you ask them to fix it back like it was.

There's thousands upon thousands of businesses out there who won't get their money until they jerk us around with new paper work. There's millions of widows out there using their husbands SSN. Do they care? Nope. Their policy says................ How simple it would be for them to remove the deceased person's birthday and put it back like it was!! Their own files tell them that person is dead and when they died, yet, the public has to dance for them while they hope no one calls the press over their stubborn belligerence.

I'm trying to do stuff that will help keep me sane while I keep mom healthy. Found a local support group that meets twice a month and I am going to call about joining it. I get to go on a trip for a couple of weeks this month, leaving my poor husband to pick up the slack. He doesn't mind. He would rather have a sane wife. I've started doing the things my little sister suggested, keeping a notebook of information and a list of things bugging me, so that we can discuss them when there are just a couple, rather than waiting until I have another meltdown. Older sister (also lives out of state like little sister) has been assigned resource phone call duty. She has too many anger issues with mom (she used to be the one who lived in town with her before she became ill, and dealt constantly with mom's ultra dependence combined with her pretending to be independent), so she gets to call around when we need to look into various senior resources. I'm mailing her the local resource booklet today. Get to check that off my list. Just emailed little sister to see if mom had told her she's out of one of her regular supplements. Whined to husband before he left for work. He supplied hugs and kisses and told me to hang in there. Cleaned mom's lazy susan and checked her supplement supplies. Finished all of her laundry.

It's all sad, but here you will have company here. Sometimes, you will find joy and laughter, but often you will not.

Support is great, however, so I'm glad you will have more coming your way. Please keep checking in, as these are terrific people, and knowing what they are dealing with can help you.

Carol

So many of you are dealing with more intense caregiver issues than I am. I commend you for whatever sanity you hang on to. I went to the laughter thread, thinking that might help my mood, but I couldn't think of one single thing about my mom that makes me laugh. That's just sad. I thought and thought, and nothing came up except frustration and dread and sadness and anger. I see no end in sight for my situation, because mom is currently holding her own after a slight worsening of her COPD. The years stretch ahead like an endless road. And sometime this year my in-laws are moving to town. I adore them and am really glad they are moving up here to be closer to us (hubby is an only child). But my father-in-law is starting to lose his memory, which is so sad because he is an intellectual kind of guy and I know it has to be frustrating. So now I'm going to get to watch my in-laws go downhill, and the thought makes me cry.

Wockyneon I am with you. I pick the sex and man does it help with the stress. So does having your 29 child move out again. Come to think of it that improves the sex also. Sorry but I feel silly today. I guess that is better than crying all day.

Thanks everyone for your ideas, about helping dad, when he is thinking mom in wrong place. At the home where he is there is a great speech therapist, I talked to her, kind of unlikely place for help, but she gave me a great idea. I had someone from cematary, on letter head, write him all the information, cematary section, plot number, some of the names of surrounding headstones, description of some land marks around there plot, and name of the section she is in.Then we took a picture of mom's headstone and all the things the cematary had listed. A rep from the cematary even took time to visit my dad. With all that I think we addressed his concerns. Even though my dad trusts me, he likes dealing with men, and tends to believe them more. Just the way he was raised. Whew another hump gotten over. Wonder what will be next.

Mari In answer to your mom's doc saying check the furnace and sewer lines, that is bull. I diagnosed my mother's dementia before the nursing home did. Then they tried to tell me she did not have it. I was so frustrated. It really stinks, when the pro's, whom we pay, do not care. Hang in there. Beth

Hi Lindam,

Thank you - you have no idea how much that means to me.

I don't know what is worse, losing a job & my credibility in this economy, or recognizing what type of passive-agressive person this caregiver was.

bless you & your day.

Cat,
No advice, but will tell you I would come to work for you for free for all the times you have helped dig me out of the pit I get in sometimes. I will be praying for a good outcome for you. Cyber-hugs and sky flowers(balloons!!) God Bless

My dilemma this week end, mom went into the bathroom turned the fawcet on and left I immediately went in and turned it off as #1 its wasteful and #2 I have to pay for it. She stayed in her room for about 2 hours after a little bit when she came out I very casually remarked that she had left the water on, well jimmeny Christmas I accused her of not knowing what she was doing and I didn't know what I was talking about and I think I know everything, and Imust be tired to accuse her of such stuff, ??? so from now on I will just run behind her and keep my damn mouth shut. I was trying to do taxes and asked her for her social security number I am trying to get a folder together with all her information, she doesn't think I need it I told her I can get it from the SS admin as long as they know I am providing for you what do you mean you're provideing for me I get 46 dollars in food stamps do you all know how far that goes? Her money she spends on candy, the enquirer, ham bread banannas cottage cheese pepsi this is for your High Blood pressure and oh lets not forget cambells soups, and high cholesterol and a sarah lee lemon pie and some doughnuts. But I don't know nothing because children never know as much as parents do and thats always been the case in my family. so If you can't beat em join em this week I will buy as much candy as I can oh did I mention she keeps it in her room so no one else can have any but who wants it its like going to the candy shop in there. I look at the grocerystore and its like death by sugar or death by sodium pickone. well thanks for letting me vent gotta go to work. ttfn neon

just wanted to say thanks to all... I am slowly getting my attitude back in check... it is wonderful to have a group that understands and encourages hope... THANK YOU...