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Cat, look at it this way - Aren't you glad that you discovered the paid caregiver's attitude before she was alone with your Mom?
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I am completel despondent & ready to go nuts. Today was the beginning of training at a new job that would have actually accomodated my schedule. It took alot of interviews, testing and competition to be included - I was the only one who was middle aged ..... you all know the deal.

The lady I have as a paid caregiver showed up very late after I called her, she said she didn't see why it mattered and when I was rushing to get my mom her pills and explained that this was the first day of a new job, she said "thats not my problem - I had to feed my cat & do other 'little things' " (really - you can't make this stuff up).

There has to be a better way. I am so tired of this - I am really sad. No need for advice, I just had to vent for my own sanity. There has to be a better way.
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It seems, Beth, that your local veteran's people are the only ones that can help with this. Good wishes go with you. Dealing with the red tape is hard.
Carol
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Hi Lindam,

Before anything else - here is a great big cyber-hug, and some words of encouragement - you are awesome! I think we are all impressed by how much you care about your client..... which is why I worry when you get bruised by behaviour or words. Regardless of whether a person is a family member or professional (and sometimes its both), when we are isolated and provide the bulk of the care for someone on an ongoing basis it is easy to lose sight of what is going on. Your buttons get pushed, you feel bad, and it is a downward cycle. If it is not a relative it is harder, because there is a boundary that tends to get blurred. This makes it so easy to get caught up in emotions which ultimately is draining on your psyche.

I know at times when I am feeling frustrated, or just need a thank you I feel the same as you. Its just that once you respond - once any of us respond while we are upset it just escalates problems. I am glad that you were able to take a few deep breaths and walk away - posting your feels are better than acting on them. Fortunately we have all had those days when we almost say something, so if I was able to do any good, you have made my day.

It is great that you have had some time with a friend - just a chance to laugh and hang with a friend is the best medicine. Your client may not change, but I think you will be happier and stronger. From now on you are Superwoman - mean word bullets bounce off your chest! :-)

I hope you have access to a PC at your clients home - that way if she manages to get under your skin again, you can always shout out to all of us - we are there for you.
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No but made your local Va person can help you or point you in the right direction.
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I have another question. I guess I am just full of them today. My dad's sister, lives about 50 miles away. She is 81 and does not drive, so she can not visit very often. So rely's on me to keep her updated, which is ok. However she sometimes calls me 3 to 4 times a day. Then sometimes I do not think she even believe's what I am telling her. Then she calls the Nursing Home, where dad is, which is a long distance call, for her and she does not believe what they tell her. Legally all they can tell her is very general information. So she complains about that. If my dad signed something saying it is for them to tell her more, they could. However my dad will not do this. He his a very private man and he does not want her to worry. How do I tell her she is driving me nuts, without hurting her feelings.
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Has anyone had the experience of a parent dying and the other parent. Thinking the deceased was buried in the wrong casket, my parent's picked them out together, then it was the minister was not a minister, and now it is mom is buried in the wrong place. My dad is a vet. and he even wanted me to call the veteran's administration, to see if they could do anything. The cementary is not a vet cementary. It just has a special secation for vet's and there spoused. Any feed back would be helpful.
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Hi everyone, yep got to put my 2 cents in. There is a great possibilty that the daughter didn't even know this was going on albeit she did hear her mother make those remarks which should tell her something and perhaps she does know. You as the professional care give should bring the subject up gently and let her know how things go on a day to day basis. Maybe you could keep a journal or print out these posts so she is aware of the decline in her mothers health and document everything, I know one more thing to do. I deal with my mother because no one else wants to I don't blame them she is a real piece of work. But I have learned to email my sister in another state everyday. I do not want to burden her but she is her mother to and I feel If I let her know what is going on it either inforces what I know or she can give me some helpful advice, as for my brother his wife said she would write me a long letter after the holidays, well Christmas is over, New years is over, valentines day is almost here, could it be Easter, 4th of July, Memorial day? who knows I don't count on them for anything haven't heard from them since dad died and thats almst 2 years in May. Am not expecting to hear anything at all and the tables will be turned in due time I am sure. Well, if I have anything to do with it and I will. and yes it is out of spite which I don't usually do but if you couldn't talk to the woman while she was alive you needn't be informed of her death. I would really hate to inconvenience them. so important you know. But anyway I would bring the subject up to the daughter before she leaves and let her know even tho you are a professional you are also a human being with the same feelings that she and her mother have and you have done nothing but good for her mother since there was no one else to step up to the plate. Thats my 2 cents I'm outta here. Neon
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Cat,
I was so glad to see that it was you who replied. I feel like you have always been here for me.
Unfortunately or fortunately depending on who is involved, the daughter was not even aware there was a problem. I won't go into that because it is not fair to her. But she was none the wiser.
I guess it is hard for me to detach sometimes because I am with her for weeks at a time with no visitors. And when this daughter comes in everything is different. She does not do it when the other daughter is around.
So I get very comfortable with things being more personal and I am all she has to talk to. I did not pull back professionally yesterday. I will have to put this in my "things to remember" book.
And I feel that I allowed myself to be blindsided. It really had nothing to do with her, just whatever head space I am in right now. No one there even knew I was upset. That's why I held it in until I could get on this sight.
And I know you have my best interest in mind. I look forward to you grounding me. Maybe this is one more lesson as far as my past is concerned. I can't change my past and have come a very very long way in transcending the affects. Maybe it is God's way of having me look at another level of that mess. That I can do on my personal time.
My best friend from down home came in last night!! I was relocated after Hurricane Rita, so don't get to see friends often. We are going to laugh the stress away, drink coffee until we can't sleep, and I'll take her around to see all the new baby calves that have been born the past few weeks.
It's a new day, and I will suck it up and go do my best today.
I am grateful for you Cat and like I said was so glad to see that you replied. I wish you and I could have coffee and laugh and talk. Oh well, being cyber- friends will have to do. Thanks again.

And Lazor, thanks for reminding me I am human. I do forget that sometimes from all the pressure I put on myself. So thanks for your encouraging words.
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Hi Lindam,
Im sorry to hear that your client was not nice to you. You are a lovely person who obviously cares alot. I am getting a sense however that it may be time for you to step back for a bit and look at the issue dispassionately.

One of reasons that family hire a caregiver is that it is mentally and emotionally exhausting, so I am certain that you can appreciate that her daughter does know her mom can throw out some zingers. But because you are a professional caregiver you must remember to step back and retain professional detachment - emotional issues from your own past don't have a place in your clients world, and it is inappropriate to venture into those waters.

Please feel free to vent and share here on this site - but please remember to remain detached. Just like the doctor, lawyer or accountant; professional caregivers are not only paid to care, they are charged with keeping things in perspective. I understand you are a caring person - that is part of what makes you a great professional caregiver.

But I can tell you that if I were in the daughters shoes I would be very unhappy to have this type of issue raised with my mother. Your client is who she is, her behaviour although personally hurtful *is what it is* a client establishing a boundary. I urge you to reflect and don't blur the boundaries between old personal / family wounds with a client in your care. Just meditate on it and I hope you gain some peace and perspective.

I hope you understand that I am suggesting this with love and good wishes for you.
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Man Im glad you said all that when my in law moved in, I thought her daughter was going to drive me nuts. She called 5 to 6 times a day. She wouldn't listen. She wanted her 74 year old mother to make a 6 and half hour drive to go stay with her and the woman couldn't take care of her own self. she is a prescription junkie. Man it was hell.... Lies went to other family members etc..... Finally I lost it with her I told her and I really don't cuss people unless I'm really really pissed she told me to go to hell and I stooped to her level and shouted it back at her and started taking the phone off the hook. I had my cell if anyone needed me for anything and thank God this woman didn't have it Finally I got caller Id and when we left home for dr visits I wouldn't return calls. She finally got it several months later I wasn't go to play her game. You need to set the daughter straight with this situation because she could help you with it if she would. Because I finally told the sister I was sorry for losing it with her but she needed to understand some things. So far knock on wood we don't have her for problems now.
Don't be sad and its okay to be angry. We are humans too
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something happened today that has made me exhausted from being on adrenaline all day. I usually don't get my feelings hurt, but today I just snapped. Everytime her daughter is visiting her (from out of state) her whole personality changes. And I am treated like a second class citizen.She has done this every time this daughter visits. the visits are usually for a week or more.
I was encouraging her to get her walk in before it got too much later in the morning. This has been an ongoing battle with her for over a year now. It was her ****ing idea to walk this time. I had decided I would not fight that battle with her anymore. When she wanted to walk, starting a week ago I was excited because she does so much better with her anxiety and stress when she is more active. There isn't anything she can't do physically.
Today tho, she acted so ugly and I let her get the best of me. I do not know why this being treated like a maid when her daughter is there gets to me so bad. If she treated me like a doorknob, that wouldn't make me a doorknob!!!! I absolutely hate it when I let someone have the power to throw me back into old childhood feelings.I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. It takes me days to regroup and all I could do today was ignore her. I have an ugly mouth on me when I'm feeling attacked and so I have to set on myself hard to not say what I want to.
The ugly replies are still going thru my head. And I will have to talk with her about this, but not until her daughter leaves. And not in the next few days for sure. I know what she triggered in me and today, I don't know who I hate more , her for saying what she did, or me for letting her get to me.
I've read other posts about how someone is one way with the caregiver and just sweetness and light with others. Do not tell me these old folks don't still know how to manipulate and get a bunch of crap started.
I just felt very alone today and knew I would get to post my day and get it out.
Thank ya'll for listening, and allowing me a safe place to put my feelings. i will be ok in a day or two, but for now I am sad and angry. Thanks again.
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Hey there, I had a hysterectomy at 35 and have tried several different estro’s… the only thing that worked for me was the compounded meds… I had to take a saliva test and had a pharmacist give me my results… she called my MD and suggested the compound mix of estrogen, progesterone and testosterone. I am single and not sexually active…so I declined the testosterone, but can have it added when I find a mate… thought I might through that out there due to the request for a natural remedy… this compound is suppose to be as natural… I love it… my kids for the first 4 years nicknamed me psycho mom and mommy dearest… they loved me again once I got on the natural compound… you might ask if there is a compound pharmacist in your area and see if they or your doc does the saliva test… (insurances will not pay for this test… runs about 300.00) but well worth my sanity… Good luck to ya’ll
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No those don't help or at least they didn't help me at all just a waste of money your anatomy will change to if you know what I mean and I've heard all the pros and cons and I have to live in this skin so I go with the estratest. Good Luck I've been dealing with it since I was 38 now I am 60 and thats the only thing that worked. After a while several years of no sleep get to ya.
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Omg matches jeez Is there anything natural I can take I been doing Black Cohash and New Phase and they aint working also yeah sex yuck and I use to love it so good
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I don't know how far you are into that process but it only gets how should I say this WORSE!! I just went on Estratest, if you don't you bite peoples heads off, you don't want sex, divorce is inevitable if you don't do something and don't let them doctors just give you estrogen, your body also needs testosterone if you don't have it you don't have sex. So its a choice I choose sex it really helps relieve some of the stress and you know what else it will take a headache away, no not the estratest the sex. LOL
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lazor Aren't they fun?. . . Not only am I dealing with my mother I have to put up with my inner child playing with matches. neon
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I am there! The hot flashes are driving me nuts LOLOLOL
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Hey Lazor thats not funny wait till you get there LOL LOL
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Well you guys try and I know yall have menapause with all this oh my God!!!!!
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Hi Roxie, I understand exactly where you are coming from. I am a person who is very independant to I am 60. i just went to a basketball game with the child I mentor and my soon to be grandson. Well thats another story LOl but I understand how you feel very well. I was talking to a person I work with and she is a doll but she does not understand My mother has moved in with me and has been with me now for 8 years, but I have always taken care of my parents as they couldn't seem to do it themselves. Anyway, I took care of my mother in law, alzheimers, two broken hips, mini strokes, heart disease, and diabetes. What a job it got to the point I finally had to put her in nursing home, God bless her finally her daughter took her out and home with her should have done that in the first place but yes people don't want to be bothered, that was 11 years ago, than I moved my parents to my state three years ago, shortly after my father fell broke his hip and pelvis, in and out of two hospitals five times run run run, finally released two days later back in ER with MRSA IV's every morning for 2 months before I went to work, run and run, My mother is helpless when it comes to doing anything actually the term is called laziness, always been that way. Anyway Dad finally had a stroke and died in May 2007. Mom moved in April 2008 and I get to crying to. But won't let the tears fall, Husband job cut back, have to think for everyone, I am so tired, I've aged ten years in the last two months, lots of health issues. Anyway I went to Doctor and got something for my nerves, it helps most of the time I suggest you talk to your primary care giver. Try to find an outside person to come in and sit with your mom and go window shopping at a mall or call one of those friends and yes Ihad them to if I don't call them I never hear from them, most of mine are out of state and that is convenient for them. Nothing to do one just gets on my nerves and cries about everything including the weather if she was in front of me I'd smack her I've known her since 6th grade and boy what a mess. Anyway I am seem to be venting and giving advice at the same time LOL Find something you like to do crochet, sit on the porch, if you have to wheel your mom out on the porch do so. Mine is so fortunate she can get around, but to hear her talk she is the only person in the world with a back pain, not enough space to list my ailments LOL There is something that you can find to lift your spirits even if its just this site. Find a sense of humor and joke about everything, I do and lots don't like it cuz I'm sarcastic but I think I'm funny and if I laugh its a good thing. Good luck and God Bless Neon
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yep definitly need to get potty chair. Hubby is tired of snake our drain OOOPsy
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Lazor, when they get absent minded, they don't remember instructions and really don't remember a lot they did. For that flushing problem, put an insert in the commode, such as the catch basin from a potty chair. Or, just put a potty chair over the commode as it is adjustable in height and is much, much easier for the elderly to get up and down. Either way, you'll be doing the flushing, or if they flush, it will just be water going down the drain.
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We use Mirilax as well no taste and not harsh. I have taken it as well really good stuff no surprises. UTI here as well. Mom doesn't wipe good so I bought wet wipes that are flushable Im hoping that will help. Can anyone tell me how to get them from flushing pads in toliet mom has done this several times. We ask her and she says she doesn't but we know she does.
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Julie Q

My mother had a number of (UTIs). Took her in and found that she had a block in a tub going from kidney to blatter. As for stool, with all the pain meds that they take and some others make it hard for them to go. Ask the doctor what would be the best thing for you to use. We used Mirilax (sp). It seemed to be the only thing to help.
Try to take some time for you, I know that it is hard. Remeber good times. Much like our children our parents are growing fast. Lots of Love
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Yeah, my world now consists of when my mom peed last. I keep track in a binder since she has had a number of UTI's. She can't remember when she went last either and sometimes is up six to seven times in the night to go. She needs help getting to the bathroom.

Now my cat is sick! So not taking mom to the bathroom, cleaning up cat barf! Poor Kitty. I am of the belief that they can't help it so there is no point in getting angry about it. I do tell my mother she just went to the bathroom and sometimes that helps her and she says she can wait. She really can wait. Her pride is that she doesn't wet bed so every time she slightly wakes up, she thinks she has to pee.

My mother took care of her mother (this must be in our DNA..) and I recall grandma taking laxatives because she didn't "go" everyday. Of course she didn't eat enough to go. I watch my mom's diet so she gets enough fiber foods and if that doesn't work to prune juice does!

I figure my mom changed enough of my diapers so now she gets a return on her investment.

Julie Q
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Lazor, I'm so glad you got it off your chest. Hopefully, it helped you. I know it helped others. These are not unusual problems. The medication one is something everyone needs to be aware of.

The family one - we're all on our own, but suggestions from others, and even just "having company in our misery," is so helpful. Thanks for sharing this with us.

Carol
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Now I want to vent some on two things. One everyone should check all medications. After my mother-in-law had been living with us for a while I found that she had thyroid problems and was suppose to be on thyroid meds. Her family dr. said yes she was and prescribed it right away. Then he wanted to take her back off. Meanwhile he had diagnoised her as Alzetimers. I had her revaluated and her dementia is stroke related not Alzetimers. I have fought with her regular dr over her meds on many occassions. Now her memory is so much better even tho she still can not drive or live on her own. Some of these patients are way over medicated.
My next beef is family members: My husband other 2 brothers are so shallow minded that they cant see what a lovely woman this is. I have left that problem to my husband because I can't deal with their stupid ways. They took this womans stuff and had a yard sale and sold things she wanted to keep. They said they talked with an elderly attorney and he recommended it also they talk to a pchyaritrice and said she need closure. They didnt let us know they did this until the poor woman came back here and she told us the next day in tears. I was so angry. Anyway now we have 2 brothers we dont even talk to anymore. One just recently married and she works at a hospital and she thinks she knows everything. It is just frustrating. They don't realize they are losing valuable time with this woman everyday. Oh and the daughter o my god she is a nut case in her self she is a prescription juncky. That explains itself. She has gotten better . She use to call her no lie 6 times a day. I fixed that problem got caller Id so I don't have to talk to her anymore.
Sorry had all this on my chest.
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Jazzy, I'd love to know where you live. There should be more of these grants available, and I want to lobby my own state for this. Everyone benefits when any of you let us know how you got some funding for in-home care to help you.

Most of you can find out what your state offers by going on your state Web site and finding "aging resources" or something related. Most often, if you dig, you'll find a phone number and you can talk with someone who can direct you to local funding or respite resources, if they are available. It shouldn't be so hard. Caregiver's are already pushed to the limit. But if we don't look, we won't find what is available. Maybe that is a job a sibling could take on?

Carol
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Some thoughts for you all to consider:

Lazor has some good information and sample questions. I'd like to throw some opinions out there because unlike most jobs, caregiving is incredibly important, but the candidates are all over the place in terms of why they are CNA's or HHA's. My opinions are based on years of hiring people and specifically what I saw as core skills for aides in eldercare. I have had direct experience with paid caregivers in a SNF when I consulted as business manager for a SNF.

1. How do you feel about the person on first meeting - non verbal cues tell you alot.
2. Before the interview, let them meet your parent (or loved one) - - how the chemistry is will tell you much more than an interview.
3. I usually just chat for a bit - find out about their life and views on certain topics - make them feel at ease and take them out of interview mode.
4. Once they are comfortable you can have the common sense questions - solicit their opinions on how to handle different situations and see what they tell you.
5. After about 30 - 40 minutes the person will have dropped their guard. If they haven't - strike them from the list. You want to interview someone unguarded and un-scripted.
6. Ask them why they want the job? really....if they can't be honest you can't trust them to not surprise you later
7. Ask them about their past & tell them you will be doing livescan / background - is there anything you should know? At that point, they may feel comfortable enough to tell you the real deal in their personal situation.
8. If you feel good enough about them - get some references. Ask them if they are ok if you call one of them right now & pick up the phone.....if they flinch - red flag. Make that call & have a real chat with the refernce. (no one ever expectsthis...and it works) watch their face while you talk to their reference...if it turns out it is a buddy - ask them if there is something they want to tell you. If they have been fired - ask them, it may or may not have been their fault. But anger or unpredictable behaviour will crop up if you push them.....
9. Give them a math and logic test. If they cannot add or spell, you will have a problem down the road. Can what is the decimal for 1/4? Easy or???
10. By this time you already know about the person and then ask them what they think about you and the person they would be taking care of.
if all is ok - invite them back for a paid test day....
Bonus - if your family member or pet doesn't like them - take it as a sign they aren't going to work out.

Most interviewing is intuition and a delicate balance of getting to know the person. Many good people may have a black mark or two - many bad people may come off as perfect. Have fun, you are picking someone who you are trusting with a family member.
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