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Hi everyone I have a question does anyone else feel tired all the time like mentally tired? I wake up dont do much and feel exhausted I was wondering if it is just me or do others who are care givers feel the same Bernardine
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I was told by a wise old soul many years ago that no one makes you feel guilty other than yourself. It's a self inflicted emotion. When you ask yourself why you feel guilty most often the response starts with the word "I" as in "I don't think I'm doing enough" or "I feel I should be doing more". On the other hand, if someone is telling you you're not doing enough, they're running a guilt trip on you and that's a lot easier to recognize and respond to emotionally, especially if you know you're doing your best. Tell them to kiss your patootie :)

There are haveta-do's and wanna-do's. Haveta-do's are the things you absolutely have to do for the person because they cannot do them at all by themselves. Wanna-do's are things you want to do for the person and don't have to. Make a list of both and discuss them with yourself. I know it sounds weird but having a discussion with yourself is extremely beneficial :D If the haveta-do's are overwhelmingly numerous, is there someone around who could help? like your husband and kids? Then discuss the wanna-do list. Is there stuff on it that is done daily that could be done weekly? or twice a week? like a foot/leg massage? taking in fresh air with a walk/wheel outside?

Sit down with your husband and kids. Go over the list with them. Work out some sort of a deal with them. Hire the kids. I know you shouldn't have to pay them to help but they are at the age when that's their soft spot, cash. Can your husband do anything since he's home more often since they've cut his work by 20%, I'm sure he could put that time to very good use :) I wouldn't worry about his side business, winter is usually slower when it comes to that and people will always need a handy man :)

You are the captain of your ship. You determine how you will feel emotionally and when you will feel it. Hang in there and lose the guilt. Then, answer this question.. "why am I allowing other people's problems to become mine????" Offer advice if you want, but holy canoli, you have enough to deal with of your own. If you feel you really want to help, add that to your wanna-do list.

Bottom line, analyze your lists and figure out how to deal with them, like you would at work :D Isn't it the cry of successful people "delegate.. delegate.. delegate"??

Hugs to you!
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Hello I am care for my Grandmother all by myself we los Grandpa in December 23, 2008 and since then Grandma won't sleep in her bed I have tried buying a new bed that didn't work she did sleep with me because she gets scared at night Grandpa slept in a hospital bed in our living room. The hospital bed is gone and now Grandma sleeps in her recliner I am sleeping on the couch because I can't even go to the bathroom without her being scared I am going to leave her. She has been dependent on me for going on 3 years but now it has gotten worse. I tried taking her out to eat but now she doesn't have an appettite I know she is grieving but I am exhausted her kids don't help at all. Not one bit. My Aunt calls asks what she can do when I tell her she always has an excuse. I am not working because Grandma was mean to the nurse I had coming and she quit I need some advice I need to work and a break sometimes. How can I reassure her I am not leaving her?
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well im going to take my mom to the store today please wish me luck and pray for patience I love her but it is just so hard at times,today I feel like I have the energy of a turtle thanks Bernardine
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AuntieCedent, If that ain't the truth nothing is Funny how capable we all are and in my case I have some of the laziest people in my life they have taught me to say NO very easily. Best feeling I've had in a long long time.
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About disappearing friends : be assured that you'll hear from them again when they have problems.
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Austin, I love your humor. If we don't laugh, we'll cry, so we have to find a way to laugh sometimes.
Carol
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Something that helped was at the request of our pastor I wrote down all the things I was willing and not willing to do for the husband when I finished the list I said whow I do all that and it has taken an eternity to get him to hire someone to help him with things I did not want to do repaires etc. but it is being done finally. Of course the husband looked at the list of his cares etc. and said but what are going to do for me? those who know me probably said how typicial of him. Lose the word guilt-my decarations for Christmas was putting up a wreath on the dooe and I am still writing cChristmas cards- I am telling some people I am not late i am really early-plus they were on sale when I bought them.
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It's really good just about setting boundaries in our lives and about not feeling guilty about those boundaries. It's by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It has been very helpful to me.
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No whats it about?
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Anyone read the 'Boundaries' book?
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You've been a caregiver since you were a kid, it seems. Have you tried Al-Anon or Families Anonymous? The good people there would understand your background of trying to help your mom with your addicted father. I know it sounds like one more thing to do, but they are very good at helping people learn to detach with love, and drop the guilt. You have had "enough." It's time for your mom to hire some help and you to stand up for yourself and your family - with love. That doesn't mean abandoning your mom and dad. It's finding balance (I know - way easier said than done.)
Carol
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I am a real estate agent (which unfortunately isnt a full time job right now!) I try to work on real estate in the mornings and in the afternoons I go in from 2:00-6:00 and work in an after school program to supplment my income. My husband is a fire fighter and his pay has been cut 20% due to the economy on top of his side business has deminished (he does home repairs) DUE TO OUR wonderful ECONOMY-that has dwindled as well!

So we, my husband and I, are doing odd jobs-just to make ends meet....

I have carried my mothers burden of my dad for so long be cause since I was small he has been addicted to pain meds....which has snowballed into the now, emphysema (from smoking) (which he still does-while he is has oxygen in his nose...just yesterday, the oxygen blew up in his face and has burned his nose and cheeks.......

It is everyday the phone rings and something else has happened....it gets so old! I am just tired of everything... I am tired of other peoples problems becoming mine-and you are right, only I can stop taking their problems on...I just want to be able to live with myself and how I respond to everything that is happening....
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So my question to you is-
1) She is retired and I have 2 jobs & 2 children-How do I help my mom help them and still hold down everything here-I dont know how to prioritize my time? My husband and kids DONT GET IT-THey expect me here. My mom is an only child-she has noone to to turn to-her husband (my Dad) is completely disbaled.

2) Also how do you turn the "guilt switch off?" Just like today-how do you go into work and TRY to ACT normal knowing ALL the STUFF that is going on...and be able to function correctly??
Christy

First, you have more than 2 jobs. Sounds to me like you have five or more. You need to take a few quiet moments to yourself, even if it's only while driving, to be brutally honest with yourself. Why do you feel responsible for all those chores? Yes, many need you, but are you shortchanging yourself and others by spreading yourself too thin? What is your first priority? Your kids and husband? Mom? Grandparents? Self?

If you're working two jobs outside the home, I must ask why? I assume your husband is working and you have two children who could work and supplement the family income. Is it your choice to work two jobs or is an absolute necessity? These are questions that only you can answer. It's not all that important you tell us the answers, but it is important you be honest with yourself.

What is it your husband and kids don't get? Do they not believe your mom needs that much help? Do they feel you are not spending enough time with them? If they don't 'get it,' maybe they need to fill in for you now and then with all those family obligations and then maybe they would gain some understanding. My main question to you on this, to be answered to yourself, does the family feel that your mom could do more for herself and not impact on them so much? If they feel that way, it may be time for you to sit down with them and really, really listen to their opinion.

You turn off the GUILT SWITCH by being honest with yourself about your priorities, facing them, accepting you can't be all things to all people, then acting accordingly. Those things you do for your Mom that could be done by others, suggest it be hired done or that she do them herself as your time is limited. I don't know your Mom so this isn't a negative about her but we all know how moms can jerk the chains of their daughters. It's amazing how many times a person finds another way to get things done once they're told you can no longer take on certain chores. Your Mom may need to consider your time and obligations needed elsewhere.

I'm getting the impression you have a problem with telling people 'no.' :) If you do, only you can change that. Think it through, decide what you can and can not do that fits in with what it takes to take care of yourself, your own household.
That isn't being selfish, it's self preservation but sharing the load of others to the best of your ability - but not to your detriment!!
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So my question to you is-
1) She is retired and I have 2 jobs
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You are normal to "hate everyone involved." What you hate is the situation it has put you in - the classic sandwich generation person. And that is okay.

I had a bunch of elders, plus two children, one with a bundle of health problems, and it was always a internal battle about where to go and who to help first. In the end, I believe everyone felt shorted, even if they weren't. I had to do my best and let go. I tried to be perfect and wasn't (and still am not).

Your best help may be in finding outside help for your mother though your state's aging services (go to your state's main online site and look for something on aging -they should have a phone number). Then, you can ask about options to get help for your mother, so you can give her some help, but still be the mom and wife you need to be. If you know your local Area Agency on Aging, call them. They are great.

Your children should grow with this, but not suffer from it. The same for your marriage. Keep tuned in for comfort, and please look for outside help. You can't do this alone.

Carol
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Isolation is exactly where I am at......My circle of friends know a little about what is going on in my world-but just as Baffled stated above-I learned along time ago- not to share too much of your life with even your closest friends-You will be disapointed in their response-I truly believe noone can fully understand or begin to "feel your pain" until they have walked in your shoes. It is really unfair to the friend you are venting to try and understand something they know nothing about. WHat tends to happen is the friend feels helpless or that you are no longer "fun" anymore...and they slowly go away. Which can be devastating for the caregiver.


I have a question for each of you....As I am reading your situations-we have so much in common, yet my situation is a little bit different. MY mother is truly the caregiver of my father (who is chronicall ill)as well as, her mom & dad (who are ill).....I help her out as much as I can-during the holidays things snowballed with all 3 of their health...which brought me into the picture even more.....

So my question to you is-
1) She is retired and I have 2 jobs & 2 children-How do I help my mom help them and still hold down everything here-I dont know how to prioritize my time? My husband and kids DONT GET IT-THey expect me here. My mom is an only child-she has noone to to turn to-her husband (my Dad) is completely disbaled.

2) Also how do you turn the "guilt switch off?" Just like today-how do you go into work and TRY to ACT normal knowing ALL the STUFF that is going on...and be able to function correctly??

3)Do you ever just hate the whole situation? I have days that I hate everyone involved-b/c they are taking my time away from my children. This is my daughters senior year-I wanted to absorb every momemt I could with her b/c things will be different after she graduates......I have a 15 year old son-that will be will be a gradutating all too soon as well....and I have learned we need to absorb all that we can with our children b/c they grow up so, so quickly. BUT I CANT-b/c I feel guilty if I am not helping everyone else!!

I feel like the worst person in the world that I even allowed those words to come out of mouth, muchless have someone else read my thoughts!

I truly appreciate this site....I also appreciate everyones honesty and what is going on in each of your lives......As I pray for my fanilies situation-I want you all to know, I am praying for you as well-for I turly believe this is bigger than all of can handle alone...and without God we can do nothing-He is truly our strength. However we are humand and we sometimes forget HE is in control.

Love, prayers and Peace- to all
Christy
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Isolation is exactly where I am at......My circle of friends know a little about what is going on in my world-but just as Baffled stated above-I learned along time ago- not to share too much of your life with even your closest friends-You will be disapointed in their response-I truly believe noone can fully understand or begin to "feel your pain" until they have walked in your shoes. It is really unfair to the friend you are venting to try and understand something they know nothing about. WHat tends to happen is the friend feels helpless or that you are no longer "fun" anymore...and they slowly go away. Which can be devastating for the caregiver.


I have a question for each of you....As I am reading your situations-we have so much in common, yet my situation is a little bit different. MY mother is truly the caregiver of my father (who is chronicall ill)as well as, her mom
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MindingOurElders, I'd say your above post is a great paraphrase I what I had just posted and it added clarity and emphasised the point of being a friend in addition to wanting a friend. It takes thought and work to maintain a friendship, it's not a one way street. It takes two.
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Listening to others gets us out of our isolated little caregiving worlds and can help loads. Isolation is one of the biggest threats to caregivers. That's why support groups (like this and in person), plus some connection to people who aren't caregivers, can't help us stay connected to reality.

It's true that many friends "disappear," because the caregiver doesn't have time for them, the caregiver has too many problems and the friend feels guilty for not helping, but doesn't know how, or the friend is a superficial friend, not a friend in need. Everyone is human and all friendships are different. We need all kinds.
Carol
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Hi Everyone I can relate to losing friends and family members. But I do have one true friendthat tries to help as much as she can. When I get to the poit that I need to get away ,all I do is call her and say SANTUARY!! and she says come on over ( she lives about 20 miles away) I've known her for about 23 years. She use to be a hair dresser so when I go over she'll cut and color my hair. I help her out too, sometimes she has to go somewhere for the weekend and I'll house sit and take care of her dog. She lives back a lane in the woods it's great. The funnies thing they (her and her husband ) did was when they were moving into their place (they lived in the city) was in Feb during a blizzard, 9 degrees out , an Eagle flew by and landed in a tree in the front yard they stopped what they were doing and just watched that bird for about a half hour then went back to moving stuff in again. The way they were carrying on you would think they had just won a million dollars. I just looked at them. Well got to go thought I'd tell you about my only friend. Barb
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Hey everyone,

just wanted to weigh in on the subject of the 'incredible vanishing friends' - alot of what you said made sense and I agree with. There is another side to it that is a bit sadmaking. There are so many types of friends, but some of them who are just uncomfortable, or even selfish - its not our fault, or caregiving fault - it really is them.

I consider it a blessing in disguise that some of the friends who fell by the wayside did so. Sure it hurt, and some of the friends who disappeared surprised me. But it left room for new friends to come in who have few issues and are more aligned with what is important in my life, as well as people who like me as I am now. The gift we get being caregivers is that we can be more honest about people, and what is important to us. I appreciate this site where we can speak freely without having to worry about whether talking about our problems will break a friendship.

I miss my pre-caregiving life, I miss friends from before; but it is what it is, so cherish the ones who stuck around, the ones you will meet in future, and the ones who will call you when they too become caregivers.

I consider this board & the wonderful people on it friends - so thanks for listening, and sharing and your advice, and for the group being here 24/7...

Cat


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Baffled, I have tried your method. Only I tend to be a blunt person. I usually use my SSDD reply which the one person that I get to talk to once a month, understands. That is followed by "Talk to me, tell me about your son, your job, your cat, what you ate last night, anything.....I need the distraction." And the five minutes I get to listen is wonderful.
But I can already tell that being here, I'll get more than five minutes of relief...........and a heck of a lot support. Thank You! I look forward to being here and hopefully helping as much as I am helped.
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baffled,
I have stated what you said before. Sometimes, regardless of how weary I am, listening to someone else has its rewards. I keep up with the news, read and have hobbies. There are other things going on in the world and our communities besides what we do everyday.
This is for Carol,
Thank God for you!!!! Starting this sight had Gods blessings all over it. It is such a positve place to put our worries, stress and heartache. New people coming in everday, learning they are not alone, they have a safe place to talk things out. One great big Texas size cyber-hug for you!!
Your experiances led to helping us and letting us help each other. You are the greatest.Thanks again.
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Some suggestions to try in an effort to keep our contact with friends. If they call and ask about the one we're taking care of, give them a short, summary answer and don't dwell on the details. Quickly change the subject to your friend's life, their family, their activities. After that, bring up a subject on something else, such as something you heard on the news, something about a mutual friend, anything to let them know you still have a mind and use it for things other than care giving. Always thank them for calling and tell them how good it is to talk to them. If they don't call, you call them and use the same routine, always trying to get them to talk about their life. Your mind is on the one you're giving care to many hours of the day and night, get it on something else, someone else, and it might give you a few minutes of respite. Let them know we think about them and not just about ourselves. Invite them to stop by for coffee or lunch. When we get too deeply involved in our own problems we sometimes forget that everyone has their own problems.
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wow I cant believe there are so many things in our lives that are exactly the same
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Friends don't call because it's your problem and they don't want to hear the details. They can't imagine they'd ever have the problems you do.
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The desertion of friends has amazed me--especially those I have been there for in the past.
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Groundhog-oh girlfriend you have come to the right place-I take care of the husband who thinks using the computer is a waste of time when I could be cooking cleaning emptying urinals doing hid blood sugar his wound care doing bills shopping and God forbide sending out Christmas cards I have not done because of fractured ribs followed by a fall that fractured two places in my back-I could go on and on we will become your best friends you can spill it all out and we will still love you-it amazes me how your friends do not call when you have problems-they do not want to bother you.
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Groundhog you hit the nail on the head my mom will ask over and over again till I feel like a broken record,welcome to the community,the thing I wonder is how we do this hope to hear from you again hang in there Bernardine
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