Needing to vent: Our parents are like children.

Christy1970, I was 40 when I began caring for my parents. I made the mistake of thinking I would only be caring for them a few years which now has turned into 20. So plan for the long haul and don't think you can do it all for a few years--you'll be sorry you gave up your life!!

After months of frustration, I did a search and this was the first site I came upon. As I have read the responses here I have cried and laughed, yes laughed. I thought I was the only one who considers Walmart an escape. That and the grocery store.
This is my first visit and I plan to be a regular because you all make me feel I am not alone.
So as an introduction, let me vent, PLEASE!
My mother is 82 years old. She has been diabetic for over thirty years and until the last 10 she was pretty much able to control her blood sugar through insulin and diet. Then she had a heart attack and had to undergo 5 way bypass. She was able to return home after two weeks but could no longer live alone. I have two brothers, one older and one younger, both married. I am divorced and was living alone. We discussed it and the decision was made that I would be the one to move in with Mom and help out. I continued to work and after a while Mom was able to drive again, go to her senior club meetings and doctor's appointments on her own. There was a lot less caregiving than there is now. I was actually able to have a life, something that I look back now with longing.
A year ago she had the first of several mini strokes. BAM! It was like falling off a cliff for both of us! I quit my job to stay home full time 24/7. Again talking to my brothers, it was decided that they would help out, coming over to give me a break. That has yet to happen. Like many here my friends have disappeared, not by choice but we have less in common and I can not talk, or go anywhere anymore.
As so many others have expressed, it is the mental decline that has gotten to me. I call each day SSDD. Depending on how clean you want it that can translate to "SAME STUFF DIFFERENT DAY" or SAME SH** DIFFERENT DAY". My life has become like the movie, GROUNDHOG DAY. If Mom asks me something today, on a good day, she will ask me again the next day. On a bad day it is the same question over and over for hours.

I just wanted to vent. And I thnak you for the opportunity. I look forward to having a place to come to read about others, share and most important, feel like I am not alone.

As many others on here will tell you, first you have to take care of yourself before you can help others. Sounds like there's far too much on your mental plate, to say nothing of the physical side of it. When I'm overcome with problems, I "divide and conquer." Sort it out. Assign some priorities and take care of them first with a totally clear conscience. If there's time for other things, then do what you can.
You have limitations, acknowledge them and move on.

You acknowledged your biggest problem, you're spread too thin. You can't maintain that, so accept the fact something has to give way and let it happen. Maybe visit with or help the grandparents less, or maybe your mother actually needs less help than you're giving. Is there any possibility of hiring help so you will have more time with your children? They need you as much as the elders do, honestly they do.

You may have to look at the entire situation in a rather distant manner to get around the emotions to figure out what you can take on and maintain and what you can't. You should not have any guilt over your decision. None.

I am an only child. My Dad, 60 yrs old, has emphysema, he is addicted to pain medication & is in need of a hip-replacement. My Mom retired to take care of him. My maternal grandmother has had a stroke 9 months ago, and has to had to be placed in a nursing home. My maternal grandfather had a heartattack-which led to open heart surgery one month ago.

Not only am I an only child-My mom is as well....She was already overwhelmed taking care of my Dad-now both of her parents are dependent on her....and I have stepped in & help her.....

My mother turns to me FOR EVERYTHING! I am trying to raise 2 teenagers-I am working 2 jobs as well...while making rounds to all of those in need....with a caring atitude-which I never would have thought to have been such a challenge...I am just spread so thin!

Christy, tell us what you're dealing with. You may find many others who are dealing with the same or have dealt with it in the past.

Can anyone help me find away to deal with all of this??? I am new to this site and I must say-I am desperate for some guidance! I am 4o yrs old

so tired-I just joined this site yesterday and already I feel better they dont judge you and it seems that we are all in the same boat,just stay here and see if if doesnt help.everyone is very kind and understandin Bernardine

SoTired,
As NH said this is the place for you to get lots of support. There are many personalities here for you to relate to. This is our place to say what's on our minds and not be judged. We all have feelings that only another caregiver understands. I will read a post and be shaking my head"yes", and we are here for each other. We are from all over, with a vast storehouse of experiance. Please feel at home here, you are welcome anytime, to get it out.
And I'm sure you have experiances that we all relate to. Please come back and tell us about yourself and you situation. God Bless

So tired--Call your local hospitals about caregiver support groups most do and a met a women who really got and has become a great friend even tho her husband passed on and she moved away we still call and email- also some senoir groups have groups-call you office of the aging if your county has one-keep seahing it will be worth it even having an ear to listen would be great and do keep coming back to here even at 3 am someone will be on We are experts and more than ready to listen

You've come to the right place SoTired. We all know what you're going through. We vent, we cry, we yell, we whine, we complain, we wish things we shouldn't be wishing. We all have big floppy ears for listening and very very wide absorbant shoulders for crying upon. We're here for you and trust me, typing it out (putting it on paper) and seeing response helps A LOT!

I was searching the Internet for HELP and came across this site. I've been caregiving my mom and dad(who is now deceased) in one form or other for 20 years now. I'm so weary and can't find a support group locally. My friends do not understand so I"ve just quit even trying to tell them what it is like. My mom is now 91. I do not have a care giver personality and it has just about sucked the life out of me. Does anyone have caregiver support groups they attend. I sure would like to talk to others who would be able to understand what I am going through.

I was going through the year-end bills etc. and found some pictures of my mother and her family. I have decide to get all her pictures out and see if she wants to make a scrapbook. Maybe things will bring back so good memories of her brother. Or do you think it will cause more harm for her right now????

I saw a TV show once, about how we never really know our parents as people. They suggested we take our mom or dad out on a date and pretend we don't know them. Ask them questions about childhood, early jobs, relationships, likes and dislikes. Ask them where they met the spouse and so on. I know I reel in disbelief when I hear my mom talking about her sex life but egads!! we had to come from somewhere?

Believe me, I've gotten more from the people on this list than I've given.
It's been quite a ride so far.
While you're sorting those pictures surely you'll have some questions for her - like when it was taken, where it was taken, names of everyone in the pictures, etc. Or, ask if she remembers the day a certain picture was taken, etc. It might awaken some memories she would like to talk about.
Everything we try doesn't always work. We just have to keep trying.

Baffled,
Thanks for the suggestions, gets us into solutions and hopefully out of the problems. I had suggested making picture albums for her grandchildren. She was not open to the idea, so I forgot about it. Now I think I will simply get out the pictures and start sorting. She may want to get involved after awhile.
I have noticed a serious decline in memory loss and paranoia, the past 2 weeks.Yet she is more physically active , as in starting the laundry or dusting the tv. She just seems so fragile, that's the only word I know to describe her.
So thanks again and we all appreciate your positive ideas and input. God bless you for sharing with us.

Roxie- you mentioned things to be thankful -you are mine when i found this site and was not able to post I read yours and the others postings and immediately stoped feeling sorry for my self- the computer was child safe- my son the cop did it because it was his daughters computer and he fixed it so hisOLD mon could get into your group. baffled gardening is great when the husband was in rehab one time I told the activities director that he had been a great gardener and she used him to educate her on setting up a garden for the other patients and it lifted his spirits. Cat-another angel who got me out of my funk last winter we have a lovely butterfly bush at our little church-one of the women is anexpert on any thing growing-I plan on buying one for our yard-a neighbor who worked from home loved my sunflower garden last summer she could see it from her home office-it inspired me to keep plantinf more as the summer went on-I k=hope my back fracturs are heaked by the summer. I saw a surgeon yesterday and he wants to put cement in my back but it is done in same day surgery ans will come home to all my duties so it does not make sense to me if I could stay in the hospital 3 days and go to rehab for a weekmI would do it in a heartbeat which should be arranged because the doc mussed me up in the first place but will not wait until my next visit to the spinal specialist and see if it is healing or getting worse as it has been and then decide-if I am in the hospital 3 days I can drive myself to rehab-I need to be independent and I would love to be cared for for a few days the last time was in 79 and I had aprecancer tumor removed

Baffled, I will be posting some coin questions to your wall after I get our old coin box out ..... do you know if it is ok to give them all a quick rinse with something like dishliquid, vinegar, etc that will make the sano for handling? I doubt that we have anything too valuable to clean.


Cat, unless you have a collectable you've purchased, a good washing with soap and water plus a bit of vinegar with a good rinsing afterwards will do them a world of good. General circulated coins will be improved instead of hurt by washing to get rid of unimaginable germs collected over the years. Just rub them a bit with your hands, no abrasives, please.

I don't know about this 'wall' you mentioned. Explain, please.

I do the same thing with gardening too, we have fruits & vegetables, but I also have planted lavander, herbs and a butterfly garden in the same nook as the bird feeder / hummingbird feeder - one thing that you can do if you get ahold of a kids wagon, is make it a movable garden - either adding a box or just the pots. That way you can bring the garden to her - inside or out depending on how she is feeling and the weather. My mom taught me how to garden, as her mom taught her.

One thing my mom loves is if I make something that used to be a specialty or a favorite that she cooked. I can usually get her giggling with the memories of what happened with that particular meal, or occasion. Especially if it is one from the garden that her own mom used to make.

Carol, would it be possible for you to make section(s) on the site specifically for activities & receipes?

Baffled, I will be posting some coin questions to your wall after I get our old coin box out ..... do you know if it is ok to give them all a quick rinse with something like dishliquid, vinegar, etc that will make the sano for handling? I doubt that we have anything too valuable to clean.

The veggie garden is what we did last summer. We found some objects that would hold soil and set them up at my mother's level for her to work out of a wheelchair. Every day she would go out and check out the veggies. Then when tomotoes were ready to pick (which is her favorite) she would help us. We would set a wagon by her and she would place the picked tomatoes in the wagon.
she also love to can, so last summer I was canning everything I could find. I would have her help me put the veggies in the jars. Then I did everything else.
My mother has always enjoyed quilting,but last winter was very difficult for her. She was upset with everything because she could not quilte or sew any longer.
My mother is such an outside person. She use to be outside everyday, so the winter months are hard to find things to do. I will keep thinking hopefully I can come up with something.
Take care

Baffled, what a great idea! When mom and dad lived at another house before we moved them closer to family several years, they had a fish pond that was just beautiful. Me, my sister, and a friend of hers did the digging and laying the plastic and things like that. My sisters friends did the waterfall. And as mom loves flowers she did the flowers and things like that. Mom loved to sit out on the patio and listen to the to the waterfall.

So this spring, I mentioned to my sisters how much mom had loved that and maybe we could get one of those that we just set up, because I by myself was NOT going to do the digging and things like that, and they thought it was a great idea. We got her one for Mother's Day and set it up right beside the patio (the patio is a covered one). I took mom to get whatever kind of flowers and herbs she wanted. Mom planted her flowers and herbs in clay pots. I set them all around her fish pond. Got stepping stones and different little statues. Mom had a wonderful summer just sitting out on the patio and listening to her waterfall and watching her flowers and herbs grow.

Thanks for idea about growing veggies. I'm going to use that idea for this summer.

I know I've said it before, but I just have to say it again, I just love the site!

About the coin collecting. You can go for any coin, but the dates and mint marks on dimes are extremely difficult to read for the elderly, pennies are usually nasty and just get worse as time goes by, unless they're brand new, and those will get nasty in time after being handled, but don't overlook quarters if they're easier for them to handle. It's a small investment for the enjoyment they might get to say nothing of the thrill of those who inherit them from a beloved family member.
I'm thrilled to read the responses from those who plan to try it. But, I'm about out of ideas for my mother, so I'm depending on you guys to come up with something that might intrigue her now. :)

We have a little surprise for her this Spring. She's a lifelong flower grower, that was her life and her yard showed it, but she just can't get out there to do it anymore. So, we have these huge plastic barrels cut in half, holes drilled in the bottom, we're gathering up potting soil now at my daughter's house and when the time comes, we're taking her outside with her oxygen and a chair and going to let her plant bulbs and flowers until she's exhausted if she wants to. It will be easy for her in that soft potting soil. It's exciting for her to check every day to see if anything is up yet. We'll also have some veggies for some of the pots as she loves to watch them grow then pick them at just the right time. Also, if she's up to it, she'll be going with us to the local farm supply store to pick out her own plants and bulbs. Getting out of the house is very important when they feel like it.

It's a long time until Spring so if you have other ideas, please let me know. I'm drawing a blank, that is, I'm baffled as to what to do next.

Cat, I second the motion on the brilliant thinking Baffled used with the coins. It's certainly one to try for many elders and I'm tucking it away to suggest to others. This group is amazing.

Carol

I will keep you and your family in my prayers,

Thank you everyone. I like the coin idea also so I hope I can find them.
My mother's brother (who has stomach cancer) daughter came down today. I guess it is worse than expected. The cancer is incurable. He has choices 1. do nothing and live 6 months, 2. Do a 2 week session of chemo to shrink the tumor enough to help with the pain, 3. Do a full set of chemo. and live 11 months. He has not decided yet but is thinking about the 2-week session. Mom did not hear everything we talked about, but we told her he was doing ok. Which right now he is except being really tired. They started him on an antidepressent. We all had a good time. I believe it was good for all of us. We had not talked to her in ages. When me and her get together all we do is laugh and that was good for us both.

Yea the Xanax is a very small amount :) but she is sensitive to drugs of any kind and she only weighs 82 pounds. That amount for me would not do anything at all to my system.

My daughter is going to move out on her own in about two weeks. So I will lose that little help. She does not do much but does help some. I will miss her around here. It is a rough time for me. To lose my uncle which I was close to at one time, have my daughter move out of the house, and then to see my mother suffer through the illness and death of her baby brother. This year has not started out to good for our family in the health department.
But we do have things to be greatful, do not get me wrong. Everyone's else health is fine.
Take care You guys are in my prayers.

Cat,
You're welcome. Even if the suggestion doesn't work for some, maybe it will get others to thinking of things their 'patient' might like. My mom couldn't push the nickels in the holes, but she laid them in the right place and I pushed them in for her. A note for those who aren't in to coin collecting: The earliest nickel folder you can get will probably be a waste as there aren't many of those nickels still in circulation. The latest one may not have enough holes for years in it to suit you, so I'd suggest starting with the middle one, probably 1962, the years that are still plentiful.

I'll make you all a deal. If you do that with your 'patient' and run into trouble finding some years or mint marks, let me know, more than likely I might have one to give you to finish it off, especially from 1960 to the present. Before that is iffy but I might have them. They certainly like to complete their project and it could get frustrating for them to not find them all. You probably won't find a 1971-P in change but I'm sure I have some I put away years ago. Just let me know. Be prepared to haul many rolls of nickels home. :)

Hi Baffled,

I love the idea about the coins and will use it for my mom....
I really appreciate it when there is an idea I can use.. you made my day (and my mom's too)

C

Thanks Carol for push I am so glad I found this site I have only been on it today but just in the few hours I have I feel hope just talking to others that are in the same situation and really understand

It's horribly painful to see our once-capable parents diminished in such a way. I think part of the pain is that we really have mortality pushed in our face - their mortality as well as our own.

Getting away with people - even people you don't know, if that helps - is good. Everyone needs to get away from the incredible stress of constant caregiving.

I loved Baffled's comment about shouting at that pillow,and then smiling. It's amazing how we find our own ways around these things.

You are all amazing. Just keep sharing ways of self-care, as well as good solid information. This site is showing a lot of both.
Carol

Hi Roxie I know how you feel about going to walmart,there are times I go out to a store and walk around for hrs just so I can feel like I am a human,I am single so I dont have the help of a spouse and I get feeling so guilty for what I feel that I close up and I know thats not good but it is so hard to see the person who raised you now cant hardly do anything I wish I had more strength

Roxie,
You really have a difficult situation. You can handle it, but it's going to take a lot of your time and effort. I laughed out loud when I read the amount of Xanax she's taking, you might as well pass the bottle under her nose and let her breathe the fumes. I'm not a doctor, don't want to give you any advice on medications except I have a great deal of experience with my mother on Xanax for 30 years and it seems to me your doctor should rethink that dosage. A full .25 would be a small dose and maybe half of that will help her, but only you know as you're the one there. If you don't see as it's helping her, please check back with the doctor to see about increasing that dosage. I have never believed in over medication but I do believe in giving enough to help them. If she's sleeping a lot in the day time, that MIGHT mean she's not sleeping well at night. It's amazing the difference it can make in a person who sleeps well as opposed to those who have a rough night. Never hesitate to call the doctor's office and tell them what worries you about her behavior and ask about her medications. Most doctor's don't spend much time reviewing a patient's meds unless they're asked.

As to your son helping out, don't count on it. I've found that family members who have to be asked to visit their elders aren't that helpful anyway. I love the idea of getting her back into puzzles. That would stimulate her brain, get her interested in 'doing' something and might impact her entire attitude. Go for it! They want something to do WITH someone else.

At one time my mother drew up in a knot (as they say around here) and lost interest in doing anything because she couldn't do what she wanted to do. I bought a cheap coin folder for nickels. Took it down there, dumped her change jar on the table and asked her to help me find the right dates and mint marks to fill in the folder. She balked, so I started doing it. She finally joined in, got excited about it and ended up sending me for more folders and more nickels and over a period of time filled out one of those folders for every descendant she has - 17 in all. Then she wrote their names in them and stashed them away to be given to them after she's gone.

After that was over, she wanted to do some crocheting but claimed her eyes were too bad. I got her a super bright light for beside her favorite chair and now she's filling up the community and family with her famous pot holders. I'm not saying she doesn't get depressed sometimes, I'm just saying caretakers have to poke around making suggestions and trying to get them to find an interest in something to do with their time. Those puzzles would be a wonderful place to start with your mom. Don't give up if she rejects your efforts at first. Just start working on it yourself then asking her to help find a particular piece (like a corner) and see if that sparks something in her. Think outside the box, maybe a child's 3-D puzzle might intrigue her. The trick is doing something with someone, at first anyway.

When you say she stays in her room a lot then sleeps a lot, that really bothers me.

One of my kids bought me a throw pillow with these words on it, "Have you hugged your Mom today?" I smile every time I see it as it is the best reminder for me that my Mom's needs are far more than food, shelter, and clothing. Sometimes when I get totally frustrated with my Mom, I yell at that pillow, "No, I have not!" Then I smile and calm down.