Needing to vent: Our parents are like children.

Regardless of what I know and how much experience I have, I let her push my buttons yesterday.I was tired from early on and had really been monitering myself to not talk harsh or be impatient with her. She had a family dinner to go to in the late afternoon. The woman has 3, yes 3, closets full of clothes. But this happens EVERY time she has to wear something besides everyday clothes. She had in her mind an outfit she wanted to wear.There is a good possibility this does not even exist. But we start the search and of course it wasn't there. Then the normal 30 minute rant that her daughters had thrown it out. I know not to try and tell her otherwise, and just let her hurmph around and finally sidetracked her to find something else. Of course nothing would do. I finally threw up my hands and said "then do it yourself" and stomped (like a 5 year old) outside.I had a little "rant" of my own. This is in the country, but I wouldn't have cared where I was. I was that angry.
I regrouped and went back in and like nothing happened.She was in the back of the house still talking. She didn't even know I had been gone!!!! I had to laugh then. I wasted a good temper tantrum. Ahhh, to be human and know there is humor in just about all situations. She finally found something to wear and all was good with the world.
I will encourge her to consolidate her clothing she likes to wear into one closet. If I know she is going to have a meltdown, then fix the sitation.
A word that has been popping into my mind alot lately is "empathy". I have not experianced what she is going thru, so have nothing to compare it to, but apparently this is being brought to my attention for a reason. Will let ya'll know of any progress or be posting "empathy-spemathy", when I once again throw my hands in the air!
Again words can not express my deep respect for all of you who do this 24/7. Surely there is a special place in heaven for caregivers. Thank ya'll for being here for me.

You can prchase and set up your own medication blister paks - these are empty kits available at most large drugstore chains (Example: RiteAid & Walgreen's) - if you dont see the product or can't get to the store ask them to order the empty kits for you if you would prefer to handle it yourself.

I'd like to suggest that if you are seeing that your mom doesn't always take her pills, or have to assume if they are gone that she took them, it is probably time be less trusting and start monitoring the medications by taking charge of the pills and doling them out at the appropriate time. Although it may seem like one more thing to do, there is so much that can go wrong if you are not 100% certain about compliance. I know it is not always easy to have to make that extra trip, but if you live close by it is worth it for her health and your peace of mind.

C

I'm so glad you mentioned the blister packs. I wish they'd been available long ago. I know many nursing homes use them.

Yes, you'll be "cleaning up" for awhile, until something traumatic enough happens to get her to move on. I understand the reluctance of an elder to give up their "independence," even though they have a caregiver like you in the background. That, they can ignore : )

It's frustrating, but they have a right to make their own decisions. Sometimes, that results in big problems, but we can't save them until they are ready (or in such bad shape social services steps in).

Bless you for your brains, caring and understanding. It's hard. Please join us when you can.

Carol

Carol, I agree with you about the future, but she's in that awkward stage to where she still insists she's capable of all things except heavy work. She's not, she regularly messes up her financial affairs and asks me to fix things for her, but it's never her fault of course. Some things just have to be handled in silence I guess. Assisted living is out there but I think she's still not ready to give up her home. We've had her meds put in blister packs for a month at a time and it's easy for me to glance and see if she's taking what is needed when it's needed. If your local drugstores don't offer that service, they should. Each dose is labeled as to what it is and when it's to be taken and comes in a larger container for different times of the day. Before, she'd forget whether or not she had taken her meds and take them again. Now, it's obvious whether or not she has taken as directed. She doesn't like the fact I can check on her with just a glance but I try not to be obvious about it. The physical safety feature is my biggest worry. My uncle was placed in an assisted living facility and learned to love it. Mother cries every time she thinks about that, says it's awful the family would do that to a person (emotional blackmail I guess). I didn't know that about them charging extra for meds, thanks for that info.

Baffled, you have company. It sounds like your mother is entering some type of dementia, which half or more people who are over 85 would have . Her independent years (though you've been and will continue to be her caregiver - even if she doesn't admit that), are numbered. She'll need hired help, or to go to an assisted living center with additinal services for medication. At least she'd be safe from strangers. Most assisted living places don't do medication, but you can pay extra for that service. She doesn't sound yet like she's so advanced she needs a nursing home, but if her dementia progresses, she may.

Good luck and please keep checking in.
Carol

That's a great story, Barbees! I think most of us could use a chuckle. Maybe, if you can latch onto an adult sized commode, she would get the hint. Who knows? She may prefer the little one, but as you say, it's pretty low.

Anyway, thanks for your admirable, upbeat post.
Carol

Hi Everyone. Hope the hollidays weren't too stressful and a little cheerful. I just wanted to let you know what my mom did.If you go back through the back posts you would find that my mom has trouble finding the bathroom sometimes and would squat and pee on the floor, which is carpeted. Well, when I went to the bathroom the other morning I looked in my 2 year old great granddaughters' potty chair. Sure enough it was almost over flowing with you know what. Mom must have used it during the night. How she can squat that low without falling I'll never know. I thought you might get a little chuckle out of that one. Barb

As the caregiver for my 91 year old Mother and strange things are beginning to happen, I sure would like some advice on how to handle situations involving a very head strong woman who is beginning to do things not in her best interests and could be harmful to her. I'm always interested in preventing problems rather than reacting to them when possible. She lives alone, I live next door. I do for her what she can't do for herself but she still manages to fix her one or two meals a day - says that's all she wants. All her life she has been very cautious about opening the door to strangers, now she does it at will with no idea who is at the door except she says obviously they want to talk to her or they woldn't be there and she can't hear them through the door. No amount of gentle talking will get her to accept this could be dangerous even though she believed it all her life. She is no longer reliable when taking her meds but hangs on to them for dear life. She's almost deaf, has short term memory loss, on oxygen 24/7. In other words, she's as independent as a hog on ice but seems determined to do things that someone else has to go behind and try to fix. I check on her every day, most days more than once, but in between times she seems to be able to get something twisted around but doesn't see that with just a little help she could still take care of her own business without so many problems cropping up. Is there a gentle way to get her to accept that things aren't as they used to be and we need to make some changes? I try to keep her day as normal as possible but I find it nearly impossible to not do something when I see it may lead to her being harmed, either physically or financially. Two plus two doesn't seem to equal four to her anymore.

Well, for what it is worth, now that the holidays are over, some of the depression and sadness is passing. Hope this is true for all of the people you are caring for. The expectations of the holidays are so great that we cannot help but be disappointed. Now that we must face winter, the expectations are lower and maybe everyone can just let go of all those high hopes till next holiday season.
I am not saying winter is not a tough season to get through, but I know most everyone else must trudge through it too. Misery shared is not half as bad as misery that only I think I am suffering through alone.
Just some thoughts. Happy Saturday (or Friday for you night owls! [grin])
Stillsongs

Happy New Year, everyone.

Well last night my husband and I were able to get out for a couple of hours for New Year's Eve, but not without complaint from his grandma. She said that she didn't want to left alone at night. We do have Lifeline for her. So we gave her the phone number to our friend's house plus she had our cell numbers. I even told her that I would call to check on her ( I did) and we were home before midnight.
She'll say that she's going to bed, but she'll be up for the next hour coming out in the living and telling us Daisey (our cat) can sleep in her bed if Daisy wants to. Grandma will worry about Daisey until Grandma is crying crodale tears, because she says that she worries about the cat. Yesterday she started this same crap. Believe me this happens every single day, it's about to drive me nuts and my husband too. I told Grandma that we told Daisey that her job was to catch mice at night (we don't have a mouse problem) so that's why Daisey sleeps all day and you don't see her. See Grandma says that she hasn't seen Daisey all day, but she has sometimes an hour doesn't go by without Daisey being in the living room.
Recently Grandma has started saying that she hears Daisey crying. We tell her that Daisey isn't crying. Grandma's response is well, it must be in my head then.
I'm just wondering should we be talking to Grandma's dr., about all of this especially with all the crying that Grandma does? I keep telling Grandma that it's not good for her to get upset like.
Any Suggestions from anyone? I know that I've asked before and it's starting to sound like a broken record. We have no idea what to do about this. Thanks for letting me vent.

Bev,
In reading your posts I can see myself. Loving my mother dearly and not even thinking about someone else taking care of her. It is my responsibility. I do not have any siblings I am a only child. I to do not work in order to take care of my mother, but found out after a year I could not be there 24/7. It was taking a huge toll on me emotionly, physically, and mentally. I enrolled in a community college near by. I know not every one can afford to go back to school. It does put a crunch on our finances. The walks, books, etc got where they were not enough for me. I looked into support groups in the are but they were at times I could not attend.
I do feel trapped in my own home. I can not go anywhere unless I have someone to be with mom for the time I am gone. The family does not understand. They think they can do anything and Granny will be ok. Well with her mind you never know what she is going to try next. Every time I would leave I would get a phone call telling me she had fell. She never got hurt seriously, but still that shows me she can not be left alone for a period of time. The family comes and goes as they please without thinking about mom. I had told my family I was going out for myself on November 11th and guess what they all made plans that did not include me or mom. Of course they all went their own way not together. But still I had told them I needed the day out. As usual no one listened to me. I am so tired I just do not know how much more I can take. I am starting to resent everyone in my family unfortunely my mother also. I know I should not feel that way. But I do. I feel I can say that to you ladies and gentlemen because you can understand. Well I have written a book and need to get off here to let someone else vent. I hope your New Year is good for you.
All caregivers are in my prayers and thoughts. Bless you all.

Lindam

I will miss my Mom and not sure what will happen after that. I try not to think about that even though I know I should be. It is as though I cannot stand one more big problem to worry about. Day to day is how I live! I appreciate your insight about me and I am very honest when it comes to feelings and how I feel about loving someone. I thank you so much for saying I am a wonderful daughter (that brought tears to my eyes) because that is so important to me. I just want to be the best daughter I can. will keep you informed and I am going to go back and read your story too so I can also be there for you. Bev

PJ Thank you for responding to my comment. I too pray your Mom continues to improve. Dementia is a strange disease. My Mom knows me most of the time. Certain medications and like I said stimulation just make her so out of it. I do have a marathon when that happens. Thank you again for caring~Bev

Pudinpie,
Your post brought tears to my eyes!What a wonderful and honest daughter you are. I can't imagine how you are going to miss her. But I know you will cherish all the time left. And as to getting your life back, it's like riding a bicycle,you'll know what to do. My prayers are with you and your mom. Take care and keep us informed about how things are. God bless you!

Bev, I am where you are as far as sometimes not knowing how much more you can take mentally, physically and financially. Also the depression and the frustration of not being able to just walk out the door for even a few minutes. But like you I have all faith in God and I just know that He will see all of us through. Fortunately my Mom is completely ok mentally, though I do believe she had a mini-stroke recently which left her unable to recognize me or herself or anyone else, and speaking some unknown language. But thank God that passed and I do have all of her back again. I'm so sorry that your Mom suffers from dementia, I pray that both of you will be able to deal with it. Keep coming here to vent, everyone knows how it feels and are very supportive.

Jill

I have been taking care of my dear, sweet Mom for 7 years and her dementia is getting worse at times. Stimulating her by company coming over, even family members makes it worse for her and for me. She will stay up and talk for 2 -3 days straight non-stop. I do have a sister who is a nurse and 2 brothers, one a PA and the other a factory worker. My sister moved to California with a guy she met and my brother who is the PA is there when I need him and my other brother will watch her if I need him to occasionally. I have left my job to care for my Mom and some days I don't know how much more I can take mentally, financially and physically. My Mom and I were always very close so I know I can never do anything but what I am doing now. It is so hard at times and I don't know where to turn some days. God helps me and I know he is helping all of you. He will give us the strength we need to care for our loved ones. I believe that and it is what sustains me through the days I feel defeated. I know I am depressed at times because I feel trapped. Not being able to run to the store or the bank for even 10 mins is so frustrating at times. Our freedom has been taken away from us because of love. The love I have for my Mom is unconditional and everlasting. What is so hard is that she looks great and looks like my Mom but doesn't always act like my Mom. It hurts deeply. Thank you ~ God Bless all of You~Bev

Im a 58 yr old retired Civil Servant as burned in a Fire in 1973 and since 1990 retired from UPS with the following, COPD (from the fire) 2 false hips (from working hard for UPS) and legally blind from infant Encephilitis..yes I am on Social Security for more then 18 yrs now.. Now to vent..My Father who is 86 yrs old,an active SMOKER for 65+ yrs has RENAL FAILURE,lost his wife in 2001, then his lady friend this past month, has now unfortunatly put us in a bad position as caused a public scene at a resterant with us present..we will lucky not to be ejected or him cited for disorderly conduct, he disgraced my daughter who with her boyfriend and their baby attending as well...we must decide what we should do..he must learn to SHUT UP in public as to service rendered as delay as busy,he must not harase staff as delay in seating as table size needed was in use, and complain to waiter on portion size as (just take it home)..he complained of the cost,but it was on a gift card we had and my taking care of a portion of the Tip was my duty.. This is not the first time he has done this with us present,we know he has Uremic Poisioning and Dementia..and most likely depression due to his lady friends death this past month..after his wifes death in 2001..growth of thick skin has been chaffed from 2 other past experiences of wifes family as one suicide and one murder (by hospital)..and my mother (his wife) as having Parkenson's Disease.. wasting away...Every child must in time deal with 2 to 4 elderly parents as marriage for 31 yrs now. I will die from COPD its only time which now seperates my self and my father as his condition and mine.My wife will be taken care of.. THus we almost had deal with the issue of possible civil action by the resterant towards him...police were called..they let him leave with us....

Pudinpie, I just wanted to let you know how much your post meant to me. I'm sorry that your Mom's health is at the stage for the need for Hospice, but it seems as though you both have accepted things, and while it is a sad thing, it can also be a relief. And the things you describe in your lives could be a page right out of my life with my Mom. I, too, get tired of being called every 5 minutes it seems, and I'm not always as patient as I should be. Besides praying every day that we will not go the rest of the way broke, which would not take much, I pray to be more patient and loving and less short tempered. It's a constant thing with me. Like you, I can't leave the house at all unless someone is here, and even then I just rush to do whatever it is and get right back home. On that note, I read something the other day about how to make improvements when your world has shrunk to being just your home. One of my 'resolutions' is to put that into practice, and work on my house to make it as comfortable and satisfying to be in as possible. Much of my stuff is still in boxes in the garage, and then when Mom moved in ther stuff got mixed in, and basically my home feels just like where I stay when I'm not at work. I want to make it a real home rather than just where I come to care for Mom and then go to work the next day. I know this is off the subject, but I thought it might help you a little with your question about wondering if you will remember how to have a life without your Mom eventually. If you have made your home a refuge for yourself, that will comfort you now while you are together, and also later on. Another thought, last April Mom fell and injured her leg and hand (thank God nothing broke) and she was in too much pain to get out of bed for several weeks. Then she developed pneumonia, and I feared she may not recover. I kept her home with me (I'm a nurse and could do whatever she needed), and I began to think that she may not make it even though she was receiving all the necessary treatment along with the best care. Our doc, who is wonderful by the way, even makes house calls!, asked if I would consider putting her on hospice. Of course I cried and cried, but finally agreed it would be a good thing, and so it was set up. I never told Mom that the people were from Hospice, just that they were home-care to help until she got better. And for a time, before she overcame the pneumonia, there were many days and nights when I thought the end was near. At those times I was sure glad to have someone to call, because it is extra hard being the nurse as well as the daughter/caregiver. Also, Mom enjoyed the home visits because the nurse and the social worker and the pastor became new friends for her. Also, the hospice service provided me with a sitter for a couple of hours on Saturday so that I could do the grocery shopping, and as it turned out, the sitter is the same age and has other things in common with Mom. The became very good friends, and remain so. Something unusual happened a month ago, though. I got a call that Mom's health has stabilized to the point that she has been discharged from hospice! That was a happy day, though I know of course that at 88 yrs old the odds are that at some point I'll need them again. But when that day comes, I'll know what to expect. Side note, the sitter/new friend has stayed friends, and still comes to see Mom.

I know this is kind of long and might seem off the point of the conversation, but as I said, when I read your post, it could have been written by me. Well, except for the part about the brother who wants her money but doesn't want to help. I have no family, and Mom has no money! But I am determined, as are you, that I will keep Mom with me no matter what. So, to all caregivers far and wide, this year is going to be great, and as Tiny Tim said, "God Bless us every one".

Happy New Year to all!

Jill

Well folks, two days ago mom's doctor ordered Hospice to come into my home for her. She has made the decision to let nature take it's course with her congestive heart failure. All she wants is to die peacefully and in no pain. I have cared for her 24/7 in my home for the last three years with no help from anyone what so ever. I have only one brother who only worries about mom's money because as he told me it's half his.
We are both totally at peace with her decision.. and as for me.. I'm ashamed to say that I now see a light at the end of the tunnel. While I have never resented caring for my mom as it was a promise I made to her years ago after dad died that I would always take care of her.. I am just so damn tired.. physically, mentally and whatever else way there is to be tired. I have been tied to this house and mom for three years. I cannot go anywhere.. not even to the store, unless I can beg a neighbor to come sit with her for an hour or so.. and of course pay them for sitting with her.
The last couple of days I have been in a I feel sorry for me mode.. and lord I hate that. Yesterday after a long long day.. I got snippy with mom when she rang her bell for the 10th time in an hour to either go to the potty.. or want a cup of coffee or some olives or something crunchy to eat.. that I yelled at her. She put her head down and simply said.. I'm sorry I'm not dead.
That statement set me right on my butt. I felt hurt that she could even think that after all the care I have given her, and secondly.. I thought... she doesn't even think I have any feelings, like I am supossed to be this enegizer bunny to be at her beck n call all the time.
I settled down.. and held her hand and simply told her .. Ma.. I'm tired.. I explained to her my feelings and said my anger is not aimed at her.. that sometimes I just need to vent. She and I both cried and she told me I was her angel and that she was sorry for what she has put me through..
Sometimes just a good sit down and talk helps you get through your emotions.

We ate our lobster dinner last night which made her happy as all get out. That was my christmas present to her for christmas eve and new years eve. She doesn't eat much, but boy the lobster dissappeared in a flash..
We all have to do what needs to be done for ourselfs.. whether it's yell, talk to friends, read a book, take a quick walk.. without feeling guilty.
Im hoping this new year will one of joy and hope. I know mom's time is limited for sure, but I dream of the day when she is at peace and I am able to once again get my lfe back.. it sounds terrible I know.... but I have given all for her without regret and as she told me she is tired.. tired of the pain and all that crap that goes along with it. I just hope I remember how to live my life without her again.
She and I have become so much more closer in these last three years. We have enjoyed talks of things I never knew about her. Her feelings of things that have happened in her life... all wonderful things she has left to me as her legacy of a good and loving mother to me..
We all have hard times.. but trust me when I say we can get through it. And how wonderful that we have been blessed to be able to do this for the person we take care of. I just hope that when my time comes, I will have someone take care of me in the same manner...
God Bless all of you and a very very Happy and Blessed New Year to everyone......

Happy New Year to all. I agree, you all are a life line and most of all you understand and can relate. Thank you all.

Everyone!!!!
Onward thru the fog, more laughter, more sleep, more love!!!!
Together we can have a better New Year. You all are my life-line.
Thank you all.....God bless us all.

TO ALL MY VENTING BUDDIES, AND I LOVE YOU ALL. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

WISHING FOR A LESS STRESSFUL YEAR.....DO YA THINK!!!!

stillsongs - I hadn't read back far enough so I wanted to thank you - I agree that when I say I don't care, it can be negative & I don't need any more negativity. Esp. when I don't get sleep (like last night) and then I'm totally yucky. Tomorrow is a new day and tonight I'll sleep good! I'm going to re-read what you wrote again!

lindam - thank you I feel so free, for the 1st time - family has dumped this job on me - so I'm going to do what I need to do and that's give myself me time and distance. it's what I HAVE to do to survive.

Hi Roxie,
My mom forgets my name says she only has 3 girls and that they are still in grade school,in fact she has 6 kids 3 boys and 3 girls. I bought the family home that we've lived in for almost 50 years and she doesn't know where the bathroom is or where her room is. She was just helping me with the dishes and she didn't know where they went in the cupboards. They have been in the same spots since day one. My mom was my best friend and now I'm the bossy bitch that needs to go home and leave her along.The other thing that really bothers me that she gets upset that dad isn't there and she thinks he's out messing around. When I tell her that he's passed away she gets really mad.
Barb

My dad has explosions. And I'm begining to wonder if his medications side effects are the cause.

I guess its time I did some research on each and everyone of them.

He's also a staunch believer in herbal supplements, and they too could be conflicting with his existing meds.

I was up last night at 1 am with emergency cleanup.

Lindam, I want to thank you for your words. I never thought of the situation in that way. I just keepseeing my mother drift away each day. I am glad now I have the deep feeling. It does show how much I do love my mother. Maybe that is why I get upset when the rest of the family does not feel as I do. This gives me a new way of looking at the situation. Thanks again.
Stillsongs thank you for your kind words. I guess everyone does have their challenges and we all accept them in different ways. Which does not make one worse than the other just how it affects us as caregivers.
Well the close of another year is here and the beginning of a new one is around the corner. I wish everyone the best in the new year and everyone is in my thoughts and prayers. Everyone has different goals and I hope each one of you can reach your goals.
Happy New Year to everyone and May God Bless each and everyone of you......

Hi Cat, We all need to share whether good or bad it helps to keep us sane whatever that is! Well my day just started, it is so frustrating talking to someone who cannot hear and you repeat five six seven times and still not connecting. It is very wearing but this is the last day of 2008 and think I need to wish you all love, help, patience and selftime this year, see I just make up words as I go along. I am setting my self up on myspace something else to zone out on. Well I wish myself these things to and the money to be able to afford the necessities of life as well. Happy New Year to all

Roxie
This may not make sense to you, but I envy (not in a bad way) your feelings for your mothers memory loss. My mom did not live long enough to have aging problems. I miss her to this day, and that was 24 years ago. My dad, on the other hand, I had very few feelings for. So when he became this way, I really felt nothing. So your sadness is in porpotion to your love. What a blessing. I think sometimes it is better to feel that deep sadness, than to feel nothing. My prayers are with you. God Bless.

Roxie,
Whatever works to keep you going on is a good thing. I keep trying to remember that whatever is happening I will get through this. Is there any organization like Elder Services that offers some type of support. I know how tired and frustrated caregiving can be. It is too much to try to do round the clock without some rest or time off. If finances allow, even insurance might help out with homecare, you can hire someone for a period.
If your mother is not sleeping through the night, maybe her doctor will prescribe medicine so she sleeps AND you sleep through the night.
I don't think others have worse situations, I just think we all have our own challenges to face.
Glad you write in. Sometimes just venting can clear the air. I like to take a 5 minute walk. The cold air makes me feel more alive.
All the best to you. You are in my prayers too.
Stillsongs