Needing to vent: Our parents are like children.

I know what you are going through Roxie..I am caring for my 91 yr old mother who I took out of a nursing home because my brother put her there. I am the only daughter with 3 brothers who don't care at all. I live in Las Vegas NV and they all live back east. They call once in awhile...big deal. Mom has some dementia and walks with a walker because of arthritis. I have her going to a day care 3 times a week and she is giving me a hard time with that. She thinks that I should spend 24/7 with her. I do need some time to myself or else I will just burst! I don't think I am asking for a lot...I just need 3 days a week for myself. I don't go to the gym anymore...I don't see my friends anymore...and as you say you can only go to Wal-Mart so many times a week. I also have a husband who had a heart attack last year and has lung problems...COPD.. he is on oxygen 24/7.

sometimes I just want to get into my car and drive forever. Sometimes I think I am losing it...I am so glad to find this aging care site so I could talk to someone who understands just what I am talking about.

Ballnchain, I agree with Cat. But if you do need to walk away, please don't burn a bridge. You may need to temporarily put some distance there but it sounds as if you have your mothers best interest at heart or you would not be trying so hard to find answers.You sound "fed up" but not yet ready to "give up". Do as much as you can, and let everyone know you are taking a break to think how you want to participate in your moms care. Because whether or not they like it, you are an adult and can take a time out, regroup, and make healthier decisions for you and your family. I pray you do not break all ties when you are this tired and stressed. Any decision I've ever made based on emotions was never a good one in the long run. So take care of yourself and let us know how things are going. And please get the dogs tended to soon.People have choices, animals do not. Take care and my prayers are with you.

Hey Ballnchain.

I'd like to make some suggestions that may help instead of turning a family problem into a bureaucratic nightmare.
1. Call SPCA or local animal control about the dogs - either they get help and are cared for, or your mom has to sign over these beleagured pets. It is unfair to letthem stay in those conditions for even one more day.

2. Regardless of the emotional issues it is time for you to grap a camera - borrow a digital or even buy a disposible at the drugstore and go take pictures. Share those pictures with your brother & sister and MAKE A PLAN. Stay focused on correcting the problem and caring for the parent - not assigning blame or fighting.
If there is denial, then go to area agency on aging and ask for an MSW to help visit / mediate and address the behaviour's root causes.

3. Make an appointment with a geriatrician to evaluate your mother & take her there. She needs to be assessed physically and mentally - when people descend into the squalor you have described there are many reasons. Health, nutrition, etc. For all you know she may have cataracts and not be able to see well enough, but can function alone in her own environment and not wanting to change, clean or move things.

You have a very big job - but there are services that provide clean-up for hoarder households, services that will help guide families through the problems, and ideally enough maturity between you & siblings to care to sort it out.

My heart goes out to you, but don't walk away and don't give up.

Susan, I learned a while ago that my brother has someone from an agency looking at the bug situation today. He has not researched anything about my moms present situation, or that he and my older sister may be in violation of Elder Abuse/Neglect. but she is still in danger of hurting herself around the house, which in in much need of repairs and the dog issues have not even been mentioned, or all of her other issues. And since I won't go over there the older sister that does the bills for my mom accused me today of not caring in a sarcastic way. I have still 2 children living at home and have a life. No one addressed the problem until me and my husband and kids went over after everyone hearing about the bugs over 1 month ago to help to get the ball rolling on cleaning. I hope that we didn't bring any bugs to my house. The 2 older siblings, who mom favors, always want me to jump in to help and then for me to answer to them. I am removing myself out of this circus and I want better for my mom, so I think that I'm am the real person who cares. My husband does not agree with the situation and has strongly advised me several times to withdraw. Thanks for your prayers.

Ballnchain-Oh baby! I'm saying a prayer for you!!!!!!!! I am also 47, also taking care of a mother (but we didn't have feelings for one another), a brother she adored who now does nothing. Absolutely nothing, ever, in 8 eight years. I have come close to ending it for myself, but having said all of that, I at least have the relief that my mother can't speak. If I had to do the things I have to in order to care for her, AND THEN!!! have to listen to what you are hearing, oh Lord! I wouldn't be here. You are an awesome, wonderful human being. My issues pale in comparison. I agree that you need to call in the authorities immediately. This may sound horrible, but I am a major animal lover and just the part about the dogs made me cry. The dogs need to be removed, the house needs to be fumigated, your mom needs assistance. I understand that she doesn't want it, I understand she will be angry, but since you seem to be the one thinking clearly, the problem is that your mom is no longer able to make wise decisions. For siblings to just want to appease her when she is making bad decisions, would be like allowing a two year old to run across the busy street because they want to touch the doggie on the other side. Bad decision. The answer is no. Oh bless your heart!!!! I'm on my lunch break right now and a co-worker suggested at least a temporary fix-will your mom leave the house for anything? I mean, suggesting dinner and a movie or something-getting her away from her part of town, then the car mysteriously breaks down by a motel or close to another relative, mom spends the night while the house is being fumigated. OK, it may sound like an episode of I Love Lucy, but it could work! But for a permanent solution, you'll probably still need to have someone w/ authority view the living conditions. If your mom won't listen to her kids, well, she'll have no choice with the state. God bless you, baby!

Thank You Barb. I will inform those 2 about the elder abuse issue. My moms surgery is tomorrow with a possible over night stay at the hospital, and if nothing is done while she is gone, I will make the call. I still love my mom and it breaks my heart to see this. I have found a local support group from a National Catholic Orgainization through the United Way this morn. for aging parents and will attend next week's meeting. Will keep you posted. Thanks so much!

Ballnchain,
You may want to put an anonymous call to the health dept about the bugs. Since your brother and sister has all the pull they may be charged with elder abuse or the neighbors may even turn her in as being unfit to be alone.Either way whoever has the POA may get into alot of trouble if something is not done and soon. I know how frustrating it is to have people there that should help but don't. Just remember that you are doing the best that YOU can do and that later down the road you will find comfort in knowing that.

Barb

My 79 yr.old mother lives alone for 4 years since my dad passed. She never has driven a car and never worked. I am 5th in the order of 7 children. 47 years old and frustrated about my mothers behavior and living conditions. 2 older siblings have been very passive about my mothers life. She has had Lymph glands removed and is about to have thyroid removed from cancer all with the last 1 1/2 years. She always has been emotionally abusive to her children, and I was always the one to try to comfort her, but I now see that she has been depending on my validating her behaviors and depression and has taken a toll on my life. I am married 26 years with 3 grown kids and good kids. I am at a point of my life that I no longer want to accept my mothers behavior nor my siblings' blindness to what is going on in her life. She lives alone in a 3 story house for 45 years and has 2 dogs that have been neglected 1 big dog that stays tied up and a small poodle that has been placed on an enclosed porch for 4 weeks with bed bug bites. I watched my mother lay on a couch depressed with bugs crawling around her head, so since no one took action, knowing that the problem had just surfaced 4 weeks ago did nothing, I took my husband and 3 kids and threw away couches that she had been sleeping on, and cleaned and sprayed with a local pesticide and bought an air mattress for her to sleep on. My elder brother has power of attorney over her medical and an older sister has been taking care of her finances, and they allow her to dictate to them how she lives. The conditions of the house are bad, she calls the maid service through senior care, and tells her not to come a lot of the time. My mother has mental issues and depression and my brother seems to thinks that it would devastate her to make her move. She refuses to move and they continue to appease her wishes even in the present state. I can't take anymore and want to walk away from the mess. I am the only one who has taken the initiative to get information and they are afraid to confront her. My mom is very emotionally and mentally abusive and always has been. I wont go to her house until the bugs are cleared and nothing has been done in the 4 weeks since my family tried to clean her room for her so I refuse to go back. I am seeking counseling on aging parents and trying to cope with this. I have anonymously contacted agencies about my mothers situation and passed information on to the 2 older siblings who has charge over her affairs, and still nothing has been done. My mom blames me and the rest of the children for not being subject to her sick needs. She says that we should have been born to someone else. That is her new phrase that is always said. I feel that I will never able to be a whole person for my husband or myself until she is out of my life. I am getting older and fed up! The other 4 siblings do absolutely nothing for anyone or themselves. My brother and myself are the only one's with vehicles so they think that I am to be on call to support my mother which is always. One other sibling has a car but won't help. I live in constant fear that someone is going to call me to go over in that bug infested house for her and I refuse to support any of this. I am walking away and seeking help.

I'm so sorry about this. I will pass it on to the tech people. I know the frustration, as it's happened to me, but your situation is worse, since it was an emotional vent.

I'm assuming you were already registered. The first time you log on, if you have been off awhile, you will get that login message, but your message should be saved to submit. What I've done to be certain, is select and click "copy" on my replies (I don't paste it, but if there's is a glitch, I still have it).

Again, I'm so sorry. The frustration - when you are already frustrated and looking for someone to listen - is really bad. Please take care, keep coming back, and I'll let the tech people know about this.
Carol

Here is something to get angry and pissed off about. I wrote a long post that got interrupted over a 1 hour period by my care receiver. I finished the post which was a major vent and release and submitted it. Guess what I got in return. Please log in. I logged back in and my post is not here. I sure don't need the added frustration of sharing my deepest feelings only to be auto logged off due to time. This site in particular should be especially aware of this. Do I need to vent in Word than copy and paste before I get logged off. Just another frustration I don't need right now.

Hi Susan,

Since you didn't get any sense of being valuable in your family, you should be very proud that the strength of character, dedication, learning curve, selflessness and focus to manage caring for your mom for 8 years would probably wash out more people than drop out of medical school - or for that matter the marines. Being isolated makes everything that a caregiver do harder, because many times we are invisible. No badges of honor, no creditials or white coat, no professional societies and no public recognition. It sucks, but we have created a society that encourages and promotes the importance of 'experts' and ignores those who wholeheartedly are the "Doer's".

Carol commented on another posting that when she was writing her book, she was told she was not an expert - despite all of her years caring for elders in her family.
I know we all have had similar experiences. I'd just like to share with you a doctor, who is a geriatrician recently told me he felt that many long-time family caregivers have in his eyes earned the equivalent of a Master's Degree in the trenches, and he wished that more people who are or have been caregivers would consider staying in the field professionally.

Regardless of what your mom thought in the past, or your family thinks now - you are valuable, talented, and honored in this group of your peers. So I hope you will hold that in your heart and stay on this board to share learn and make it through another day.

be well - Cat

One thing to watch for when a person hires someone to come in as a caregiver, and that person isn't with an agency. When you do that, you become the employer and that can bring in some sticky legal issues, especially if the person gets injured while caring for your elder. Just something to be aware of.

Carol

PJ-Thanks for the suggestion on Nursing Home Diversion. I know nothing about it, but will check. Where I am, the going rate for caregivers is about $18/hr. Mom has too much to ever qualify for Medicaid, but that's a whole different story. I'll check on the NHD though and see what they say. I tried the 'hire your own caregiver' thing but that didn't work for us. It's more expensive through the agency, but I can put it on mom's tax return and yada-yada-yada.

I've read a lot of the posts now and although I don't have any answers, it helps somehow to hear others in my situation. When all you have is work or home (even more work!) it's easy to become isolated and completely alone. I don't know how many times I have screamed at God, only to come back later and beg forgiveness. Sometimes I just feel like I am at the brink of insanity and slipping quickly. It would be easier if I had loved my mom, but she made it clear all my life that I was just the 'spare' in case her son died, but since my brother didn't, I was Cinderella without the Fairy God Mother. I'm just so angry that I was treated like that and yet I'm the one stuck taking care of her. Well, I'm pretty sure this is the final turn in the road for my mom, so I'll just stick it out. I've made it almost 8 yrs, I think I can hold on a little longer. Maybe it's God's way of trying to make me forgive. It's a hard lesson to learn and I'm still fighting, but maybe soon I'll get the hang of it (smile)

Big hugs to all of you!

Janet I hope you keep checking this sight and see that you did not bother anyone. We are all here for you even if we do not have an immediate answer for you. We will keep trying to help you. I am sorry you are so exhausted. You so desperately need a break. I was also the forgotten child and ended up caring for an abusive father. Only one thing I want you to think about,"a promise made in one situation, may not hold true in another situation". I pray that somewhere you pick yourself to make some promises to. We are thinking of you and pray your situation gets different, if not better. God Bless

Janet good for you listening to your heart and head and if it dose not work out you can go from there. Cat. Lindem and Carol are are very bright and caring ladies and I would listen to them in a heartbeat.

Hi all, I've been keeping up with the posts but haven't gotten around to writing until now. Welcome to all the newcomers, I'm sure you will find we are good listeners and can all sympathize with you. Susan, my situation has some similarities to yours, as far as being totally broke, and also needing a caregiver for my Mom while I work. Here are some things that I have learned which may help. I have recently learned of a govt. program called Nursing Home Diversion, which is where they will pay for a certain number of hours of a caregiver per week (I think 20 hours but not sure) and also provide what they call 'consumables' which are items such as Chux, diapers, body wash, shampoo, lotion, etc. Call your local Dept. of Elder Affairs for info. Also, when I first had Mom move in with me I used an agency until I was able to find someone on my own. I don't know about where you live, but in Florida where I am the going agency rate is around $15 per hour. I have a caregiver who just works for me for considerably less. The hard part is finding someone to begin with. After that you'll find that people will know other people, etc., and it will be easier. My suggestion would be to look in the paper for someone looking for that type of work, and you should also look in any of your local free papers. Also, if you know anyone who might have a friend or relative who does caregiving, that's a place to start also. I have found that once I started using non-agency caregivers, I kind of got 'in the network' so to speak as caregivers usually know others. Also, besides asking Dept. of Elder Affairs about the Diversion program, ask about food stamps, and also if your Mom might qualify for having her Medicare Part B paid for (it's about $96 per month) and also having her prescription plan paid for, if she has one. Also she if she qualifies for Medicaid. And, with your Mom in such poor health, might she qualify for hospice care? Her doctor could refer her, and that would cover many, if not all, of her meds, plus you could get an aide in for a good bath and bed change a couple of days a week. Also they can supply any medical equipment she may need which you now pay for, such as oxygen, hospital bed (even a specialty one if she has bed sores), bedside commode, overbed table, shower chair, and whatever else she might need. I hope some of this will help you, and if nothing else you have a whole group of us who know exactly what you are going through. For me personally, I am an only child, also juggling which bill to pay, and have also promised Mom that she will never go into a nursing home. Things really will work out, somehow. Another thought, check with your local phone, water, electric, gas companies and see if they can arrange a budget plan so that your monthly bill will be closer to the same amt. each month, and they may even offer some type of discount for senior citizens with no money. Definitely worth looking in to. Please don't lose all hope, and keep coming back.

Jill

Susan, I live in the Dallas Texas area and have been using a caregiver company. I've been pretty unhappy with them lately but not for the reasons you state. Although my mom doesn't need as much care, she cannot be left alone. Would you mind emailing me and letting me know what company you use? I'm thinking of trying another after the first of the year and from all my dealings with the maybe new company, I'm very impressed with their professionalism. I'd hate to put a note of doubt in anyone's brain by speaking badly about any company, or recommending another on a public board. Perhaps we could share experiences and at least help both of our situations in this noble venture.

Good luck to you though, I can imagine how frustrating it is to be in your situation with your siblings not helping out at all :(

Let me know please, I would appreciate it :)

Cat-Thanks for the comment, the time I spent rolling on the floor laughing hysterically took my mind off my troubles for a little while!!!! hahahaha! I'm struggling to keep up with bills, my mom's pension and SS don't even cover the caregiver so we pay for that, supplies, meds, you name it. We are drowning in bills. I asked before for help from my dear family, I received nothing. A few weeks ago, I received a phone call, asking if they could borrow money!!!! I guess they ran short after buying the fancy cars and putting in a pool.....I said I could not spare anything, since we are drowning paying mom's bills. All I was told was "oh, ok"...and the call was over. So no, looking at this site wouldn't make a difference. They just think the world is here for them. It's better to just think of me as an only child. I know it must seem like I'm just shooting down everyone's ideas. I'm so sorry, that's truly not it. But, after 8 yrs of this, I think I've exhausted every possibility. Sorry to have bothered y'all.

Be Good,
Susan

Hey susan,

another caregiver tried something a while ago that might get you some more support. Share this site with your brother and sister....if they are in healthcare perhaps seeing a different viewpoint - one of us caregivers - might make them realise that it is time for them to step up & help even a little.

I forget who suggested it, but it worked a bit for her & maybe it may help soften your siblings hearts to your plight. It's easy to get jaded when you work in healthcare - time for both of them to gain insight & humility by sharing your world at least online.

take care,
Cat

Thanks MindingOurElders, I appreciate knowing someone heard me and responded!

Nursing home is out. I'm one of those people who believe my word is everything. My parents were divorced when my dad had a massive stroke (I know, bad genes, right??!!) and went to a nursing home. I told my mom the horror stories and she was a basketcase, begging me not to ever allow anyone to put her in one. Even though our relationship wasn't much of anything, I promised I wouldn't...now I'm stuck. Even if it kills me, I have to do this. I will check into the state aging services dept, thank you!

Dear Susan,
First you are not terrible and you are not whining! This is a terrible situation for you and you need to help yourself. Please call your state aging services department and get the name of your area agency on aging. These people can help you. It sounds like your mom may need a nursing home. She'll get decent care - you can oversee it like you are now, but this home agency isn't good, you can't do more and your health will go. Please take care of yourself. Get help. And please come back here and let us know how you are doing.
Carol

Hello everyone! I'm on my lunchbreak at work and found this site. I haven't had time to read everything, but I see some similarities. My mother had a massive stroke almost 8 years ago. My mom and I never had a very good relationship; her life was about my brother, the Golden Child. Trips around the world, best private university; when it was my time to start college, I was told to get a job and go to community college at night...... that's our relationship in a nutshell. My brother is a doctor, my sister-in-law a nurse, yet in almost 8 yrs, they have helped 0 times, not once. Every time I asked for help (which I stopped doing years ago), I was promised the world and then at the last minute, something came up and they couldn't help. I work full time but a compressed work week. While I'm at work, I have a caregiver for my mom for a few hours, then my husband does what he can until I get home. So, it's either work or at home caring for my mom. Sometimes, we get someone to come for a few hours, but that's not often and everything is always so rushed. I know I must sound like I'm whining, and well, I am. My mom and I had a crummy relationship and now that the money isn't being handed out freely, my brother wants nothing to do with her. I'm so far passed 'burn out' it's ridiculous. I guess I'm just looking for a shoulder to cry on or some words of wisdom. My mom is paralyzed on her entire right side, unable to speak, has the mental and physical abilities of about a 10 month old. My mom who always had impeccable manners now does things I can't even write. She is disgusting. But I have to put on a happy face and deal with it, day in and day out. I keep praying for strength, but I am crumbling. The caregivers are terrible. They are from expensive, reputable agencies but the care and their behavior is deplorable-stealing, lying, not putting my mom on her toilet but then complaining when she goes in the bed, not turning her which has now led to a disaster for her back and on and on. Oh my gosh, I must sound like a horrible person. I guess I'm just on the verge of insanity now. Anybody have any words of wisdom or know of a really good caregiver agency in the Dallas/Texas area?

Please help,
Susan

Welcome, Janet. Please keep coming back here to let us know how it's going. As Cat said, you are now self-aware. You can set boundaries from the start and take it as it goes. The day may come where your mom has to go to a nursing home, and you'll cope with that when it happens. Meanwhile, get the paid help you need. If she complains - well, sometimes she will. After all, she's rather have you 24/7.

However, be firm and explain that you need your life, too. If she still complains, let her. Be kind, but detach and do what you must. She knows you love her and you have done a lot. You'll keep helping no matter where she is. You are a kind, wonderful person. I'm happy you've found new love to round out your life.

Carol

Welcome Janet, As Cat said, this is a charmed circle and you have already added a lot by sharing. And raspberries back to the people who do not understand. You are doing this out of love not guilt and realize there is enough of you to go around. Being able to talk with her before the move is a blessing for both of you. Gods supportive hand to both of you.

Hey Janet,

Good for you - bringing your mom home again is a wonderful thing to do. You deserve alot of credit for being self-aware enough to be able to separate the irritants from the bigger picture of your mom's care. I hope you will see the benefit of remaining kind, yet keeping your relationship with your mom on a more adult / equal footing.

I was just reading posts before turning in after a fairly long day - reading your post was really nice. It's nice to see how others handle things and know we are not alone.

Anyway - all the best & welcome to the charmed circle !

Hello to all...I had been looking for a site like this and I think I finally found a good thing...My heart goes out to each and every one of you. You have already given me new insght to my situation. My story goes like this,I am an only child who had been caring for my 90 year old mother for about 11 years..... Approx. 14 months ago (with her complete agreement) I put her into a lovely assisted living facility about 10 minutes from my home.I would visit at least 4 days a week. My Mom and I had always been very close but the longer she was with me the more she would find petty things to complain about. If I left the house for some reason for a few hours I would be greeted with a very icy reception when I returned. My husband passed away almost 10 years ago and about 5 years ago I met a great guy and we are now engaged.We are in no big hurry to tie the knot and he and mom got along great (and still do )....The problems would start when she thought we got home too late or if I spent too much time talking to a friend on the phone. She began criticizing what I wore and got upset if I worked on my scrapbooking hobby. I would always make sure I gave her some special "one on one" time every day and catered to her every whim, which I now realize was a huge mistake.

When she finally went to the assisted care facility she seemed to be o.k for awhile but then she started complaining and whining constantly about the place. After a year of seeing her unhappy and realizing that she was at the point where she needed a little more than "assisted" care but not yet in need of "skilled" nursing care, and adding to all this the stock market was draining her finances at a rapid pace, so I made the decision to bring her back home to live with me. This will happen on Dec. 20th..She was so happy with my decision that she cried. In the mean time I am getting the rasberries from everyone for doing something that they are sure will be a big mistake for me that I will very soon regret....Mom and I had a heart to heart talk and I gently explained that things would have to be different this time around...Before she went to assisted living she would never allow me to get hired help in to be with her if I wanted to get away for a long weekend. I explained that this would have to change and that she needed to stop complaining and trying to manipulate me OR it would be off to a skilled nursing facility. I really want this to work for both of our sakes as I love my mom very much but she has to realize that I am a grown up woman who can make my own decisions.

I won't write anymore as it is starting to look like I'm working on a novel here. I have read a lot of your postings and I know you all share in the same problems that I have. God Bless all of you and I will keep each and every one of you in my prayers....I know you will do the same for me....Love. Jan

Auntie
PT.S usually do ok with amutation with P.T. they get good strength in their upper body and do learn to transfer into w/c sometimes with a sliding boardmatm first as lonf as they can treasfer in a car or w/c they do well.

Hey Austin,

thanks, that is so sweet of you to say. I wish that you did live near me - coffee pot is always on if you are ever on the west coast!

My husband is in the hospital again. Six weeks ago he lost his left leg to gangrene, and now the gangrene in his right foot has turned from dry gangrene to wet gangrene. They are pumping him full of anti-biotics, but there is going to have to be another amputation. The question is, how high will it go. He's a tough old bird, but how much can a man stand?

Cat you really get to the meat of a situation-it is good you do not live by me I would be over once a week with a problem to help me with-and am very glad you are here for all of us