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Good luck, Navymom, and please let us know how you get on in the New Year! Your experiences will help others!
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So what your siblings want the world to know is that you are finding a way to pay your bills by selling on Etsy along with being an indentured servant?
Boy they are hell bent on making sure you don't step above your station aren't they?
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I have some computer friends who sell vintage jewelry on Etsy. They have a thriving business that are to be envied. They've been in business for a while and work hard, so do well. There's nothing lowly at all about selling on Etsy. I wouldn't mind selling there, but it is not a good market for me.
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One of my brothers said the same exact thing to me. I live the great life since I don't have to pay anything concerning this house. He said he'd love to hang out around the house all day watching tv and piddling around outside. Huh? Mom cannot stay alone for even the smallest of time. I spend many nights pacing the house with her. Cook 3 meals a day, do all laundry cleaning mowing, weeding... you name it. It is 24/7 work that I do not get paid for neither am I contributing to my SS. Fortunately I do have income of my own from a pension of my late husband which goes to paying my cc bills and health insurance.

The sheer audacity of ANYONE saying we live here for FREE needs to spend one week caretaking for someone ... they'll soon see how free it really is.
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Before I move out I should take a weeks vacation and tell them all you have my cell but I will be so far away that you will have to handle the issues that come up. When I dog sit for my sister ( we will call her "S") if one of the dogs poos the carpet I dont just leave the dog poo until they get back, heck I even wash the sheets after I sleep on them. I know that in a week mom will have at least 2 "explosions". With Crohn's even on medication she can fill a diaper in 30 seconds. Here is what happens at least usually twice week, She always wears a house dress because pants take too long to get down so there is seepage. She tries to make it the the bathroom but there is a trail of heavy drippings of poo from the recliner to the bathroom then there is the poo on the walls, ( don't ask me how she gets it on the walls) and the stool seat etc. depending on how well she was able to clean herself off. The diaper goes in the trash next to the toilet and she just steps over the mess and gets clean clothes. Then goes back to the recliner places a towel over the poo and sits down. I follow with carpet cleaner, plastic gloves a gas mask (just kidding about the mask) and clorox for the bathroom detail and in 2 days it's repeat the same process. My sis "S" thinks I exaggerate since she asks mom and mom says that didn't happen because mom doesn't want to admit that she just steps over the mess until I clean it , so this way my sis "S" can see for herself... twice... lol
I think it would be wise for me to leave my sis a note with instruction and cleaning supplies saying "I EXPECT this to be cleaned up while I am on vacation !!" Hopefully I will be able to call her ... me sipping a MaiTai ...while she is in protective gear cleaning up waste. LOL
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You go girl!! Good luck and best wishes.. you will do fine, and your sibs can help with mom... and if you cut the ties they will have too...
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Jeez navymom - I wasn't envisioning dooty duty when you said "light housekeeping."
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I say light housekeeping because I am just an average housekeeper. My sis has a maid that comes in 3 times a week so her house is always pristine and my house looks ghetto in comparison.
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Sister has maid. You clean poo. Does not sound like you are living in the same world, let alone the same family.
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Navymom, I feel for you. Just so you know it isn't always the single female, it is also the single male.

That being said you need to say when they say "live for free" to present them some facts and figures as to what it would cost to hire someone. I would also(as gross as it sounds) leave some poo on the wall, or take a picture of it and send it to them.

I went through the same crap(no pun intended) with my brother. He didn't want to hear about it was a race to get dad into the wheelchair and try and make it into the bathroom on time. But I was also living there for free, yes I just sat around and watched TV all day....LOL.

I took care of both my parents, and dealt with many bathroom issues. I used to have a weak stomach for that kind of stuff, but you learn to deal with it. My brother didn't even want to hear about it over the phone.

It's up to you, but I feel very strongly that when an adult child gives up their life and their job(I know you have the side business) that when it comes to the estate, the caregiver gets more. It's only right, when you don't work full time you also lose out when it comes to SS.

Your sister has a maid, and you're cleaning poo off the walls, you shouldn't be getting the same when mom passes.
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Need to follow this.
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I agree, when one child gives up their life, to take care of the parent and the other children either just pick up mom for the fun stuff or like my oldest sister just comes over to ask for several Benjamin's a month. She has her own apt. works about 20 hours per week, recieves social security and spends several hours every night at Margarita Island, the local bar. Why does my mom feel that it is fair to have her will set up as everything that is left is split 3 ways. Of course she also named me as executor because that takes work and my sisters just want to stand there with their hand out waiting for their check while I figure out burial, deal with how to divide whats left of the estate.

I have read that there is an exemption in the medicare/medicaid claims that if one child is the "live-in caregiver" and can prove that they cared for the aging parent for more than 2 years so that the parent would not have to go in a nursing facility, that child can keep the home they lived in with the parent. It can also be secured by the parent filing a statement with her attorney that her child "jane doe" is her full time live in caregiver and the gov. cannot take the home if the parent does need nursing home care later down the road. Of course my mom swears I am not caring for her , she is giving me a free place to stay so any document like that can burn in hell before she would sign it.
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I have read the first 10 responses and now I can't hold myself back. Your siblings and mother must be paying something to deliver those loads of crap at your feet every day. This is what you owe them. Leave, and do it quickly.
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There is an exemption in the medicare/medicaid claims about the house. You can protect the house since you are your mother's full time caregiver. I wasn't eligible for this as my mother has a reverse mortgage on her home, but I was advised it would protect her home from Medicaid. You need to get out of there. Let your siblings take over, and see what you are dealing with on a day to day basis. Don't pay any more money to your mother. Save that money to find yourself your own place for you to live and work. If you can put more hours into your business, then you can make the money you need to move out of her home. I know what it is like to be a full time caregiver and have other siblings not pitch in. Taking care of my mother has ruined my emotionally, physically, and financially. My hope is that I can put my life back together. Your family, especially your mother is manipulating you, so you need to stand up to them and walk away from this situation sooner rather than later. Good luck with everything. Just remember, you are not alone in this.
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Stand up for yourself. Ask your son for financial advice on how to be out of there by such and such date and own something for yourself. Your sisters are using you to protect their inheritance. Wonder if you can present to the estate (when your mom goes) a bill for all you paid for while living there. Protect yourself. No one else will do it for you. You are being used by mom and sisters, with guilt being the weapon of choice.
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Leave.

The question about presenting the estate with a bill for what one paid for living with a parent while taking care of them has been asked on this site and the answer was no.

The only way someone gets paid for taking care of a parent while living for them is to have a written and signed agreement from the start of your time with the parent that they will pay you so much a month for your caregiving and you list what services you will do as their caregiver. Otherwise, you have no money for all those years and the inheritance will not usually make up for it.
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Also, your mother has the money to go to a senior living village and that is where she should go. That would be a better use of her money than going to the casino and letting your sister take money from her.

Why in the world are you so determined to stay? I also don't understand why you are paying her rent when you are there taking care of her? Stop paying rent, save the money and leave.
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About the house, Medicaid requires that a MERP intent to file a claim or lien be done. Medicaid applications & renewals now all have some sort of "acknowledgement of participation" that MERP exists. As you choose to apply for Medicaid (unlike Medicare & SS which you have no choice due to FICA), you apply with Medicaids ability to do MERP. The states now have to have some type of estate recovery program / MERP in place in order to get the federal matching $$. The trend last 2 - 3 years is to have an outside contractor; & about 1/3 of the states do, & I imagine these # will increase. There are 2 main contractors in this - PCG & HMS, and both do other types of compliance vetting for governmental programs.

What is important about this, is that the contractor gets % of the recovery, so it is in their interest to enforce the rules. It is more of a debt collector approach. For the caregiver exemption, if your state does this like my moms state (TX) you will need to file that specific exemption or exclusion as per the medicaid rules or Administrative Codes in your state AND have to be able to provide a letter from the elders physician or social worker as to the level of care you provided with dates AND within whatever time frame MERP has to follow under your states administrative code. If you can't provide the letter, or have another job or live in another house, you may find your caregiver exemption declined or challenged. I would imagine the required letter from a MD or social worker is done as those medical professionals have a specific professional degree and license from the state so their letter has some legal standing.

Really if your parent has their home, goes onto medicaid but keeps home, you Really need to be proactive to get whatever may be needed to support your own exemption, exclusion or hardship lined up to deal with however MERP Runs for your state.
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Virginia - LOL on the reverse mortgage " protecting" the house from Medicaid. The RM protects the mortgage holder as their lein on the house has to be repaid first & foremost. RM gets paid from proceeds of the house before Medicaid. Then IF there is any $ left from the sale (not likely) then Medicaid gets $. Family would have to settle $$$ with both before they could get the home.

If your mom has a RM, review the contract. Most have it such that if they move to a facility; or do not do maintenance or upkeep on the home, that the mortgage holder can call in the loan. The RM which is debt that has to be repaid will be due. If so, mom may have a limited time frame in which to let RM know & to pay off RM in full with whatever fees or cancellation charges may apply.
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Every time I read a thread like this I am so grateful for my parents and my siblings. Since I was retired I became the primary caregiver, but the circumstances were so different. Both my parents took care of their Mothers with Alzheimers and Dementia and Parkinsons. From that my parents learned that it was important to (1) to save enough money so they would not be a burden on their children and (2) when children are taking care of things, to be grateful. We learned from our parents that it was next to impossible to care for our parents without help and that it was about living a good life and doing everything you could but drawing the line and facing the fact that caring for a person with Dementia was a 24/7 job that cannot be done by a single individual. It must be a community effort. My father earned his money by working. He saved his money to care for himself and my mother, not as a legacy for his children. I thank God every day that my siblings all held the same philosophy. If your mother has money use it to pay for her care. That is what you owe her and what she owes you. That would be doing the right thing.
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We create a lot of pain for ourselves when we get to thinking that situations and/or people SHOULD be different than they are. Based on your life experiences so far, do you have any basis for a belief that your siblings will change?

Have you considered putting your dealings with your mother on a more businesslike basis? Perhaps contractual? Spell it all out, including that any gifts she gives you are NOT to be counted against your share of the estate.

If your mother is of sound mind and can afford frequent visits to casinos, an attorney (representing YOUR interests) might be able to help sort things out.
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It does not sound in light of the closing comments on navy's last post that her mother would sign any sort of document, but is worth a try.
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I'm kind of in the same boat. I have even heard that family friends have commented that I should be SO grateful that I shouldn't have a problem doing any kind of chores. It reminds me of the cases where parents are divorced and the dad comes in on the weekends and does the fun things, while the wife does all the unpleasant things. I think it is wrong to take advantage of anyone, just because they are in close proximity. We are providing a service that, likely, the parents would not even be able to afford if they had to hire someone to come in. The people who stayed with one relative were charging 25 dollars an hour, and my cousin didn't want to pay that and had the nerve to offer me about 6 dollars per hour. I said, no thanks.
In my case, I know that I will get the house and be taken care of in the will ( such money that they have left over, of course)
Use some of your mother's money to hire help - pronto!
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I say that if your mom has money to go to casinos---she has money to pay for more help. She could cut it down to once a week! She could also sell her home, and move into something smaller such as an apartment to cut down on the up keep!! She's not doing HER part!
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D_mn! you guys make glad to be an only child! I used to wish I had siblings to help me, but I see now that siblings are just as useless as my kids (45 & 38 yo) in helping out with Mother. Fortunately my mother and I were in the real estate business for a time and we bought a big house together. She has a quit claim deed to me signed in the safe. I was taking care of her alone with the help of a grand-daughter-in-law who is a CNA for only 6 hours per week so I could go to the office and put out the fires and clean up the messes staff made all week. I publish a magazine from my home computer, so everybody felt that I didn't work and should be free to run to the doctors appointments, spend day & night at the hospital when she had serious issues and do all the grocery shopping and cleaning. I'm married, but I can't ask my husband to take on my responsibilities with my mother. He is running our retail store and consulting business, stopping by the store to pick up items and try to keep the house in repair. Fortunately, I woke up and started spending the money that she had set aside for the grand kids and am using it to pay for a live in assistant. Thank God I didn't have to fight siblings to get the money. Mother and I talked it over and she agreed that I should use the money for her care.
I recommend that you retire your "victim" cloak and take up the sword of self protection. That's what I had to do for myself. Fortunately my mother is more reasonable and when she saw my health failing it gave her a wake up call. Hopefully you don't have to go through a health crisis to break out of this situation.
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NavyMom-I am in the same situation. Caring for my Mom for 1 year now. When this started my Mom agreed to pay me for caregiving, never got it in writing. Now I hear how I am living "rent free" while she runs me ragged! My siblings agree that I should be paid, the problem is my Mom, she thinks since I am living here rent free that should be good enough. Thinks she can take care of herself! In the process of getting her license revoked. I am taking a job, will stay until I can save up enough money, then I am outta here. I am her POA. I would rather live in an apt., never own a home to be able to live my own life. I would be happy to help my Mom (who has plenty of money)! But I need to be compensated for my caregiving or I will end up penniless! As others said, I could go do this work elsewhere! Let us know how your doing!
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I forget who and maybe someone else remembers, but one person coined a phrase "stop offering yourself as a victim for their abuse!"

Move forward in your life toward some victory for your own well being and let us know how you are doing! Like Yoda told Luke in Star Wars "Do or Do not, There is no Try" The phrase no try means no half-hearted attempts. Real trying involves a sense of conviction that it can be done! With that conviction, you can do.
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I feel so much better mentally by being in this blog or what ever it is. I have not been sure that I made the correct decision to move within to 2 miles from my mum to evaluate, eliminate some stress and help her recover and work on the next medical issue..All at my expense with double housing bills. I have been here a month with my two pekes and have not a clue about the future but try to stay in the moment. love more, guide me, and for 2015 the mantra is TRY HARDER.
the extra expenses amount to over 2 grand a month I cant afford any more.
I withdrew 10 grand from my retirement account. 2 grand for taxes. 8 grand for 3 months. I cant live in my moms house. it is just impossible. I am attempting to work on our friendship. Useless at times but I will stay as after 30 days here it truly is interesting to observe my self and question myself. In short, What is the best thing to do in the span of every hour? daughterhallie PS I have received feedback from one person that I have a shitty attitude about my mother. I intend to contribute this time to her as was her contribution by producing me.
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Welcome daughterhallie! I see from your profile that your mother is 90 and you just hit the retirement age of 65 and live in San Jose, CA. So your mother has general age related decline, Alzheimer's/Dementia and she is raging at you when you visit her. I don't blame you for not trying to live in your mother's home at all! Even if life was better at home, it would be a healthy boundary to have somewhere else to live like you do for such an extended amount of time.

I read your post form 6 days ago about your time with your mother, driving her all over for medical appointments, errands and shopping as well as writing down her insults every night in your notebook and mentioning that her raging has been elevating since your arrival three weeks ago and evidently the next day it is as if nothing had taken place the day before. Your mother does not remember raging at you the next day? After reading that particular post, I see why your friends are telling you to go back home, but you are there and you have a reason for being there and it must be strong enough of a reason to have kept you there for three weeks. Well you are definitely determined and strong!

I'm sorry that you have had to take so much money out of your retirement at one time and applaud your efforts, investment of money and time to do this visit while sustaining two residences.

In order to fully grasp your situation and offer the best support in input possible, I am going to ask a lot of questions. The more details that you can share the better. Take as long as you like and vent as much as you need to. I'm sure others will think of other questions to ask you , but that is the nature of this site and you are on a very good thread.

Where did you move in from on this visit? How long has it been since you have seen your mom? What is going on that prompted you on this evaluation, elimination, and recovery mission at this time?

Who has been keeping an eye on her while you have lived in another place?

What kind of relationship have you and your mother had over the years? Why does that friend say you have a bad attitude about your mother? Has that friend ever met your mother? Sometimes our attitudes about someone are correct because that is how they are.

How does your mom manage to take care of herself from day to day? How long has she been managing on her own alone?

What is your goal in evaluating your mother? Are you thinking that she needs a nursing home? Do you think that her fiances are out of order or that she might need to file for medicaid? Do you want her to be evaluated by a doctor to see if she is still mentally competent to handle her affairs and ok to live like and how she is living?

How exactly are you planning on eliminating some stress in her life?

What is she recovering from?

What do you perceive is her next medical issue?

It sounds like you have given yourself a time frame of three months. That does sound like all you can afford with supporting two residences. That is not a lot of time for mother-daughter relationship work, but sounds like enough time for some basic triage assessment of your mother's overall health status and plotting a course of action in light of that assessment.

To accomplish all of that in three months, I assume that you do have her durable and medical POA. Do you?

What are your plans if three months is not enough time? Come back later? Try to move permanently? or what?

Are there other relatives who will actually help? We know this is often not the case.

Sorry to sound like I'm doing a professional intake type interview list of questions. That is normally not my style, but all these questions are popping in my head as try to wrap my mind around this situation and your mission.

Those are all the questions that come to mind that I think will give us some helpful details to know. We look forward to hearing back from you. Don't feel like you have to answer them all at one time. Tell us as much as you feel comfortable sharing.
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I live with and care for my 102 year old Mother. I have no siblings so I have the advantage of no one to disagree with the decisions I make, and the disadvantage of no one to ever share any of the costs or responsibilities. We both sold our homes and moved in together nine years ago because I needed to provide financial support and could afford to support one household, but not two. Also, I knew the day would come when some physical support would be needed. While she could not live alone now, she does not need 24 hour or nursing care yet. My point is, you do not live with a parent and provide any level of care or assistance and think that it is equalized by living there rent free. It's been proven many times over that the cost of paying for a mother/homemaker/wife far outweighs what nearly anyone could afford. The same can be said for a caring son or daughter who is living in. Paying for the many services providing such as housekeeper, cook, chauffeur, medication monitor, gardener, personal shopper, administrative assistant, accountant and a dozen other tasks I've failed to mention, would be impossible for all but that upper 1% we hear about. It is a full time job that limits your own mobility, social life, and other options. My Mom automatically assume my friends are her friends, and she is part of every conversation and every activity. She can ignore me and do as she pleases because I'm obviously still 17 years old. I'm 70 and still trying to do some work from home because no one told me I would need to support my Mother up to age 102 and beyond. But she can interrupt me and want something moved or brought in or out, or question answered or whatever, any time she feels the need. The frustrations can be many in addition to the work load. There is love, caring and necessity wrapped into the whole deal, but no one should assume that as a caregiver you are getting some great bargain even if you are living "rent free." As a caregiver there is no such thing. You are giving away enormous portions of yourself that go well beyond any rent payment you could ever make on a piece of property. Until someone has spent all their days and nights meeting the needs of an aging parent, on their good days and their bad, they have no concept of the sacrifices that are being made or the gift you are giving allowing your Mother to go on living "independently" in her own home. She does not even fully comprehend what enters into it. Unless your family and your Mother come to some appreciation of what they have in you, then you should go on strike or move out permanently. Perhaps finding somewhere you can stay for a month or two while they see how it is to cope and manage it all on their own will give them a reality check. Your challenge is thinking of some way to wake them up. Otherwise, steel yourself for walking out. Either way, don't continue to destroy yourself.
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