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Mine is the opposite in that Mom moved in with me & my family. I am retired & 1 of 4 siblings, so the expectation is I SHOULD help Mom more because I no longer have a job. Well, hello ... I don't have a job because I felt Mom should have at least one of us available and flexible to help her.

So Mom moves in here, and it is OK to pay for "professional" help off the books but I shouldn't get the same amount as them. Even though I know as much or more than they do. "But this is Mom" is what I get as another excuse -- basically accusing me of somehow exploiting her financially.

Yes Mom pays me room and board ... a pittance & the same as what my adult children pay. The difference is that they don't leave all the lights on in every room within reach all night long. They don't eat 4-5 meals a day, with the same number of snacks. They don't flush the toilet every 5 minutes because a drop of urine has come out. They aren't up 10 times in 10 minutes all night long wanting to be around another person. They don't want me next to them every waking moment, even when a paid babysitter -- oops, I mean caregiver -- is sitting with them. Oh my goodness, the list is endless.

Don't even get me started with resenting my siblings. Big time. They can go on their merry lives because they've dumped this on me. "But this is Mom" I hear again & again. Interspersed with "You took this on" though I know I was backed into a corner & felt obligated to make the offer. Support from them? Hahahahaha -- they feel they are being supportive by saying "thank you for taking Mom in" and then following that up with criticisms of what I am doing, what we should do, and other expert advice from people who are getting their full night's sleep every night. Actions speak so much louder than words.

Yes, I love her. But I am also starting to resent her. Yes, I know it's the disease, which makes me feel worse because I can't help myself either. Yes, I know something has to change.

So, Mom is moving into an Assisted Living Facility next week. Back in the town where she lived.

Did I mention that I am female? LOL
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Hey darling, are you in the Tampa area, I am and would love to hear from you.
Tx
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My mom surprised me last friday, by actually saying thank you when a box of toffee that I had ordered for her from an Etsy candy shop arrived. She even came in the next morning and patted my arm when I was making breakfast.

Unfortunately today we went backwards. She and my son had agreed to split the cost of 2 new tires for my car ( I needed them badly) and I had an appointment to have the tires put on today......................................................
but remember my sister "C", the one with the oxycodone fondness? She doesn't usually call to say "help me, I can't pay my rent or help me I can't pay for my prescriptions" until the middle of the month , last month it was on the 12th when the dreaded phone number ( hers) showed up on caller id.

Today it's the 4th and she calls this morning.
I realize now that I should have asked for the money for the Christmas gift tires upfront from mom but I made the mistake of saying I had enough in my account to cover it and she could pay me afterwards since we didn't know the exact amount it would be.
My son actually gave me the entire amount today and said spend the other half on something nice for yourself. So while I was gone sis "C" came over for 300 promising that she would not ask again, (YA when pigs fly over ice bergs in hell , she will stop asking for money) which threw mom into "scrooge mode". It looks like mom can't afford to buy me that tire now since she had to help "C". I guess she forgot it was supposed to be my Christmas gift and thought she was just doing something nice for me. Cause she is all about giving.

I often wonder if anyone has every stood up in the middle of a funeral, like at a wedding when they ask about anyone objecting, ya know when the funeral preacher who never met the deceased says what a "compassionate caring person..... who would give you the shirt...yada yada yada. " and say the truth about the person.
When they did that at my brother in laws funeral, ( "C"s husband, the one who wanted to be paid to mow mom's yard) I swear I almost jumped out of my seat and said ""holy crapola,now I know I am at the wrong funeral, can somebody tell me where R. B's funeral is being held? "" Fortunately my sis "S" gave me the "stink eye look" that tells me "Don't you even think about it" cause I have been known to say things out loud like that LOL
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sherry, I would love to know about your live in and what its like. Having someone help me here is fantastic but must they move things the way THEY want to al the time? Not to be picky but it is my house and I have to search for things sometimes lol. She even takes things home to fix or sew or pictures to put in an album, things I want to do. (But of course I never have the time). Shes great but??? A live in???
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You certainly gain some benefit from living there and having a place to work from. You also very clearly provide real benefit to your mother, and to her estate by saving money that would otherwise be spent on aides or assisted living. I suggest that you right down the various costs and benefits on each side and share that with your family. "Fair" is always in the eye of the beholder.

I always insist that my clients enter into care agreements in an effort to address these issues. they don't always anticipate changes, and the family doesn't always agree with the arrangement. You don't need your sister's agreement legally, but you would be well served to get at least one of your sisters on board.

I agree with many that you are getting the short end financially, based on what you have said. The only solution (other than you leaving) is to have some amount paid to you each month from your mother's assets. That would mean reducing her long-term estate. This is a very difficult situation which puts you squarely int eh middle. You run the very real risk of upsetting the long-term relationship with your family either way. It really comes down to what you can live with in your heart, both now and after your mother is gone and the estate divided. Good luck!
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and maybe if you didn't have to divide your time for caring for your mom you could work 40 hrs or more a week at your business and get a nice income for yourself! Tell that to your sisters. You are being used for free in home care, plain and simple and they are making you feel guilty.

I lived with my parents to help out for 6 months last year. I would go to work all day and as soon as I came home my dad handed off my mom to me. Weekends I was expected to do all the care, cart her around for appointments etc. The result was i had absolutely no free time, no social life and it was slowly driving me insane. It wasn't worth living there for free. I had minimal cost while staying there, paid for some food, paid their cable but that was it. Still, I would rather pay $1400 monthly rent to live nearby and be able to come home, relax and be able to read a book if I want. If needed, I am 2 miles away now and can help out in a nanosecond. I still take her to her hair appointments on an occasional saturday which eats up half a day but thats only every 6 wks or so.

Save money, every penny you can and move out. Like someone said, who will take care of you when you are 83? Thats why I plan to work til 70. I went to a SS seminar and thats the best return for a single woman. I will become fully vested at 65, then continue to work and earn credits til 70 with delayed benefits and collect off the exhusbands 65-70. thats my plan, God willing I am able to work that long. If not, then I might have to go live with one of my kids and I really dont' want to do that--for them or me. I just want peace and quiet. I love my grandchildren but they are babies and I don't want to become a full time babysitter for either generation.

Let us know how you make out. Stay strong!
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If Mom doesn't have a will or advanced directives, encourage her to do so. As far as 'living there for free', it's not really free. You are a 24/7 caregiver, at $10.00 per hour, that is $240. per day or $7200. per month. You cook, clean, do shopping and laundry and any other number of tasks. You pay your own expenses and give your mom money to live there, send your sisters a bill with a total of $2400. per month for each of them, maybe if they see a monetary value to all you do they'd change their minds on helping out. After all, mom isn't going to live forever and caring for our loved ones is what we do. I moved in with my dad 2 years ago, my brother helps out when it comes to maintenance etc. I'm lucky, I know many families are like yours. You are not free labor, as least when mom is gone, you will know you did what you could to take care of her.
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