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The trouble is with all that pecking that eventually we learn to peck ourselves don't we? I find it harder to think I am doing a good job than to identify the things I get wrong. If you don't know whether you are one of these people write down a list of all the good things you did today and then a list of the things you could have done better. I know which list is longest on my page and sadly it isn't the good one
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I felt from childhood that I was being pecked by a bird - not a chicken though, a crow or a raven! I didn't get hugs I got pecked.
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It's a new favorite phrase of mine -- pecked to death by chickens. That is what it can be like. Thanks, 97yroldmom. 97! You've been pecked a long time.
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I love/hate the image of being pecked to death by chickens. Too realistic but also funny!
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Or if you are feeling malevolent you could always say you are going pole dancing!!!!!!
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Your mother. Now that you want to make some changes, take the time to explain to your mother what the changes will be. Make sure you can stick to them. Make sure you are clear. Perhaps start with something simple like only one trip out to the grocery per week. Or only on Tuesdays. Something that is a real help to you and reasonable. It won't be as hard for you to make the change. I was so conditioned to do what my mother asked that even when I said no, I would find myself complying. It's not that any one thing is so difficult. It's just that after awhile it feels like being pecked to death by chickens. Congrats on seeking help. I hope you find something to do that nourishes you when you take the break from mom. Don't feel compelled to tell her what you are doing with your free time. You already know she won't approve. No need to spoil it for yourself.
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I think you have been conditioned to obey and respect your m
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Golden--thank you. I would rather read about detaching than clean up dog poop! I know I am enabling her and have issues with codependency. Working on it for sure. Surprise--you are so right--I have been conditioned over my entire lifetime to respond in certain ways to my mother. You are also right that she could have worked to plan a better retirement for herself. At least I am doing my part for my own children! Thank you both for your sage advice and encouraging words. I really jumped up when you both mentioned that I have been Providing her narcissistic supply. Wow. You are so right. I have been quite the little overachiever in that regard. Hugs to all who are writing and helping me. I am so grateful.
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Absolutely right surprise - its just damned hard to do because once the buttons are pressed it is like it sets off a well used chain reaction. The real trick is to recognise her finger is poised ready to press the button - because THEN you can put the shield of armour on before it kicks off. Once it has - not so simple.

Learn to reflect on the way problems arise. I often exit early before she can start. Cowardice? Avoidance? Well I guess but its easier for me and quite frankly that works for me and that's all that matters.

njny I have no help at all save for a few weeks respite probably two or three a year but I may lose that in the next round of cuts too. Mum goes to church but as by the time I get home I have to turn round and go pick her up its not exactly me time. Currently someone from the church picks her up but when we move that will not be the case.

My daughter will come and take us both out but it is not ME TIME

My son visited - told me last minute that they were coming at lunch time, criticised the paucity of the buffet - in my book they were lucky they got food at all - I can't just go nip to the shops

Oh and he supports me - He made a cup of tea and did half the washing up - oh WOW

He brought his stepson, who I loathe, and who my grandson hasn't seen for ages so I spent no time with grandson at all
DIL did nothing but moan that despite getting some beautiful jewellery she didn't get the pyjamas she asked for.

Oh what did I get? A hamper of timed food - which will save me buying anything for the church bring and buy sale all year!

oooh that turned into a rant sorry peeps
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The reason you fall for her tricks is that she has conditioned you to over the course of your lifetime! She has trained you by withholding love until you comply. Simply put, you can't teach an old dog new tricks - but you can stop feeding him his reward for those old tricks!!

That reward is "narcissistic supply" aka a reaction to her antics. Anything you do - a raised eyebrow to a meltdown - tickles their sour hearts. So you have to stop reacting. What worked well for me was, "I'm sorry you feel that way," and I kept doing what I was doing. She's had her chance to make a great retirement for herself, and she refused. Don't give her the power to ruin your life too!

No more trips to the pound for you. "Sorry mom, I just can't go with you to pick up a dog. Yes, we are in the car, but no, I can't drive it over there. Get someone else to help you with that, I'm not having another of your dogs in my car." You act like a broken record with no. You don't even have to do different versions of no, but my examples are way you can say no 50 different ways. :)

No, you are not taking her in, No, you are not paying for stuff, No, No, No! You can do it. Your husband will be neglected if you do what your nmom wants all the time!
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njny - it sounds horrible to have her live with you. I am the same. I simply could not possibly do it. You have been given very good advice about setting boundaries in the above posts. I would say let her get angry, sad, mean, accusatory, jealous, demanding, sarcastic, belittling, spoiled/childlike, or whatever - in short let her be a drama queen. That is who she is and a tyrant. That should not stop you from taking holidays or doing what you want to do with your life. I don't think you can blame or excuse her behaviours on her background, or you and I and others here would be pretty miserable people too. She has made her choices along the way, as have we all, and she continues to and gets what she wants from you. You are not going to change her no matter how much you bend over backwards for her. You need to change your response to her.

Yes, she is addicted to you as you are her "narcissistic supply" - she feeds on the attention she gets from you. The more attention she gets from you, the more she craves. You are feeding onto that. You can change that by changing your behaviour and giving her less attention and giving yourself and your hub more attention. Often narcissists redirect their needs to another person who will play their game. I have no doubt she has a personality disorder. A geriatric psych could evaluate her. but even then there is little treatment.

What you have to do for yourself is protect yourself - detach and distance. When you do not do things exactly as she wants she throws a fit, Whatever! Please disengage yourself from those events. She will likely continue to throw fits but if you are not as affected by them you will suffer less. I know that detaching is not easy but living as you are is not easy either. It is what you need to do to get on with your own life and be less affected by her. There are good resources online about detaching, Rather than cleaning dog poop read about detaching.

There is no rule that says you have to look after your mother's dog. You can tell her that you cannot do it any more starting in the new year and if she cannot do it she should hire someone to do it or let the dog go or live in the mess. If she lives in the mess you can let her doctor know and/or call APS. Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. Don't be an enabler or a codependent.

A good professional is invaluable. Withdraw some of your support - the dog for example - limit calls and trips to help her to the bare minimum, as jude says. Does she have finances to hire help? Let them be her support. If she doesn't like it, let her suffer the consequences.

And for goodness sake, stop feeling sorry for her. She plays that to the hilt - it is part of the game. Start feeling sorry for you and your hub and the effect she has on you. There will always be an alternative to living with you. Stop worrying about that too. Let professionals tell her that she cannot live alone and needs assisted living - that gets you off the hook. Talk to the agency for aging and social services. Get professional advice and keep coming back here for reinforcement and ideas. ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
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Oh Jude--that is awesome advice. I not only read it, but I will read it over again! Thank you so much! I don't know how you do it, having your mother live with you. I hope you have a caregiver to help you much of the time.
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njny please please please read this. I am 62 almost 63 and my mother does in fact have a dependent personality disorder. While it usually appears as submissive (i.e. the good times when all is going her way) it is highly abusive if Idont do what she wants. I am not exactly an only child but as my brother has an injunction preventing contact i am in effect an only child. The differences between us are that I am not married (any more) and I do Live with Mum but I live in the UK so elderly care is not quite as complicated although is equally as frustrating to access initially.

Under no circumstances should you live with her or invite her to live with you. Your stress levels will skyrocket . You were not are not and will never be responsible for your grandmother leaving your mother and that your mother uses that is just another tool in the arsenal.

You do not have to be your mother's caregiver on a one to one basis. Your limits could be defined by caring sufficiently about your mother to ensure that people come in to care for her if that's what you want. You clearly aren't bothered about an inheritance and that's good to see ....so many people are.

Now you have to focus on you. If you get upset when your mum gets difficult then you have given her the exact reaction she wants because now you are demonstrating guilt and dementia or no there seems to be an inbuilt knowledge that never disappears - or at least hasn't disappeared for me in the last 5 years.

You will never understand your Mum - you can't, you are not her; so what you do have to do is exactly what you do when a child has a tantrum. You say I love you Mum but I will not be spoken to like that, I will come back later THEN WALK OUT OF THE DOOR.

When you come back if she starts again do exactly the same. If it continues then release yourself and get someone else in to clean the house, get meals delivered to her. DO the bare minimum because YOU are key in her care but that does not mean you have to be the key caregiver.

Be forewarned this won't happen overnight and my mother sure as heck knows exactly how to press my buttons but I am learning slowly to take control. I have to say without these peeps on here I would still be banging my head against a wall but in here people don't judge (usually). xxxxx
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Thanks to all of you for weighing in. Rocknrobin--I DO want to hear this because I know you are right. I want more than anything to be able to truly stand up to her. It somehow seems mean at her age, but I think you used some words that I could use that are clear and direct, not mean. I will try it, even though I will shake in my boots!

Babalou--no one has scared me with that idea that Medicaid might not have the funding it has had, except for what I read I the paper. Honestly, I think assisted living would be a good choice. She would have contact with people all day and her meals prepared, although she is incredibly, incredibly fussy about food. She would complain non stop. But at least I wouldn't have to worry about her well being. I don't know if she qualifies, though, for assistance. She still drives and cooks, although she has little or no balance and has fallen several times. How do you get approved for assisted living? She still showers on her own, but did fall once.

Jessebelle--do you live with your mom? I feel for you that you are the only caregiver. It is so hard when the person is just plain nasty! I think I am too available and that is why she gets upset a lot of the time--I am not there for her at her beck and call, even though I really her nearly every day and talk on the phone with her several times a day. If I have a day with others in my family, even though she is invited and doesn't come, she acts as though I have abandoned her. She will,state, "Go live your life," with dripping sarcasm and self pity. I stil buy into this, albeit to a lesser extent, and have to work incredibly hard not to be the rescuer. Why is this so hard???

Thank you all for writing and please know how much I appreciate the communication
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njny, I know it isn't as easy as all that. We want to be generous, loving people, but when we are it can be putting ourselves out there to be used. If you are like me, you don't have the heart to just leave your mother dangling by herself. I think that is a wonderful trait to have, but it doesn't make it easier on us. If we can be their everything, they don't need to find anything else. The bad thing about this is that they will finally get to the point where they aren't able to find other resources. My own mother is at that point now... and it is only me. Everyone else has gone on their way.

I don't blame myself for her isolating herself. She is, and has always been a hermit. I do wish for myself that I had built a better life here. I don't like being isolated with her. The good thing is that she is not as abusive as she once was. The bad thing is that she is not as capable. I worry now that she will fall, so it keeps me closer.

The ideal would be to get our parents involved with friends at church, the senior center, or independent living. Elder folks are strong supports for each other and take much of the burden off the children. I don't know why many older people have the drive to isolate themselves. It would be so much easier if they didn't. It increases the burden so much on the caregiver. A huge question is how adult children encourage their parents to get out? Maybe it takes a little tough love and not being so available. I know that would not have worked with my parents, since my father had Asperger's that go worse when coupled with dementia. He couldn't tolerate people. But maybe for most people making the parents seek other people would work.
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Nynj, having my mom live with me would also be my worst nightmare, and my mom is not narcissistic. She just needs her room to be 85 degress at all times.

There is NO LAW, federal, state or otherwise that says that your mother must live with you. Who is scaring you with that, mom?

It was your mother's job to prepare for her old age, not yours. You have a say in this. You are allowed to move away, go on vacation, ignore her, whatever. You dont have to put up with this sh/t she's dishing out. Stop putting up with it.
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Thanks for writing, Babalou. My mother has seen psychiatrists on and off during her life. Unfortunately there are no geriatric psychiatrists near here, but I would be willing to look into the possibility in a town about 40 minutes away. I do not think she will go, but she might. Assisted living is a good option but she is so resistant. It would cost about 5500 a month and then I guess she could go on Medicaid when her money ran out. The current, continually evolving health insurance situation scares me, and I admit that I would be beyond terrified if Medicaid was cut back and she would have to live with me because she couldn't afford anything. That would be my worst nightmare. I don't mean to sound horrible, but I just could not have my mother live with me. It is the scariest thought I have.
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You may not want to read this, but............ Your mother can't do anything to you that you don't allow. Screen her calls, limit the outings, NO to a dog, and see about getting someone to clean her house. If you can't get away for a few days without her tantrums (yes that's what they are) you need to get a handle on this mess now! When she starts the "accusatory, jealous, demanding, sarcastic, belittling, spoiled, childlike" simply tell her "Mom, I can't hear this right now. You aren't in a talking mood without demeaning and belittling so I will talk to you later." Then either leave the room or hang up the phone. You have to be the adult because she has become the child.
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Ny, has your mom been to a geriatric psychiatrist?

I'm not a doctor, but judging from your description, it sounds as though she has a personality disorder. At any rate, she is excessively demanding, and you are a ceding to those demands. This allows her to remain " independent".

What would happen if you became ill? Had to tend a seriously I'll spouse? Or God forbid died?

What is the backup plan here? I know that you have cut back some in terms doing and responding to her, but the dog thing? How the h/ll can she expect to own a dog if she can't get it back and forth to the vet on her own?

If you and she decide a dog is feasible, go to an organization that will take o dog and train it for you. Don't accept the dog until it is obedience and house trained.

I think if I were in your shoes, I would move far away from mom and closer to grandkids. She would do much better in Assisted Living.
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