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Dear Caringfriend 2,
I was diagnosed with Early Onset ALZ over 4.5 yrs ago. I've spent a lot of time on Aging Care learning a lot on this website, and sharing my own thoughts with the community. A couple of years ago, my DW and I had a conversation that I brought up, telling her, when it is time for me to go to Memory Care, put me in a facility 100 miles from our home. I don't want the family to feel like they have to spend every last minute with me while they are trying to have a life of their own. Two of our children are in their 20's, one is a teenager.
I want my DW to feel free to go about building a new life for herself. My DW has been the great love of my life, excellent mother and we've shared household responsibilities evenly. I told her not to be afraid of finding someone to date and maybe marry when she is ready to, she should do whatever she wants to. My DW is 8 yrs younger than me, I'm early sixties, she's early 50's. I know that I am declining and based on the stages of ALZ, I'm sure I have crossed over in to the mid stages. I've expressed these opinions several times of the last few years. We've been practicing our faith together since we started dating 27 years ago, married 25 years in the early summer coming up. I've also made my wishes known to our children and I told them "do not give mom any grief as she begins her new life." " Life is for the living."
I want my DW to be able to spend time enjoying life with a man she can share as exciting life as we have done. Perhaps you can share these thoughts with your friend. I know my views are not commonly held beliefs. We've been faithful to each other and always managed to get through all of these years never having a fight. I hope readers find these comments helpful.
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HLA1111 Dec 2020
That is a beautiful answer and I wish you well on your journey. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this curse. Your family has been blessed with an open minded and caring person.
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I will not have the popular opinion here, but "til death do us part" can still stand while engaging in a healthy relationship with another, in this particular scenario. The spouse is well cared for and not forgotten or neglected. We are human beings with companionship needs. I do not advocate extramarital affairs. If the LO is still engaged with family and supported until the end then the spouse has fulfilled the "til death do us part" in my opinion. Life goes on, and this disease can go on forever. Mental health for the surviving companion is important as well. That being said, if he is going to beat himself up and feel guilty then that will not be good either. He needs to be able to live with his choice without concern for the judgement of others. People will always be ready to judge. I know if it were me in that home, with no mind left, I would WANT my husband to have happiness, as long I was looked after. Life is too short and crazy to wallow in misery and I don't want to be source of someone's misery.
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I hear you. Ive always had a very black and white answer to this, but I’m not walking in his shoes. It sounds like your friend wants to honor God through honoring his marriage commitment. So the question is, how can he have female companionship AND honor his marriage vows and God? I’m hoping for his sake that there is a way to do so.
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At 70 and having lived and cared for my man-child husband for several years due to his dementia, I seriously doubt I’ll be in the market for a new love when I place my DH in care. I’d be too afraid of going thru this again to give any man a chance. But I absolutely believe that anyone who has cared for a spouse with this despicable disease DESERVES such happiness, especially when they continue caring for their ailing spouse.

With a physical disease, your spouse is still the person they were before getting sick. Dementia, however, is quite accurately called “the long goodbye.” Dementia chips away their identity until you hardly recognize them. If I outlive my husband, I don’t know that I will grieve. I’m grieving now the loss of the man I shared so many years with, the loss of our plans for this stage of our lives. Your friend is giving his wife everything possible and it sounds like he plans to continue doing that. I do not believe it would be the least bit disrespectful for him to have a new relationship. If the roles were reversed, it’s what I would want for my husband.
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Mrsrubee Dec 2020
BTW, I’m not in any way advocating for ANYONE to abandon their ailing spouse. I think you still have responsibility for your spouse, but I think you deserve to have a new romantic relationship if you want to.
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This is one of the most interesting and even mind-changing threads I have read on this forum. I am (81), and just lost my wife to Alzheimer’s after (64+) years of marriage. The math is clear-we were each other’s sweetheart since (12) and married at (17). When I first read the opening comment by his friend, I was angered. “Until death do us part “ makes us what we are as Christians ( Catholic) in my case. And, I must confess, my first reaction was to think Friend2 had an ulterior motive, but that is clearly not the case.
But as I read all of the extremely well worded comments it became very clear that this dilemma has no one answer that fits. Lewey Body dementia is very different from Alzheimer’s, in that the physical characteristics of lashing out almost always have to be dealt with in a facility. In my case, I was blessed to have resources to care for my wife at home for ten years. I actually loved taking care of her, but I was able to touch, caress, even kiss her everyday, many times a day. That is not the same as no physical contact with the one you love because of Covid.
I am certain this man will figure it out for himself and do what is best for him and his wife. “Moving on” doesn’t mean abandoning his wife; it might mean something as simple as an adjustment of attitude or a realization of hope that his time for happiness will still come and it will be so much more awesome if he gets there knowing that he was faithful to his wife and their marriage vows.
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Wyoaviator Dec 2020
When you bring up Lewy Body, you make a direct hit. Of course no one knows the truth about what she has, but I am convinced my wife has Lewy Body. I told some people tonight that I have met the "till death"part. I am now dealing with the "in sickness and in health" part.
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It depends on the marriage vows he made to his wife.
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My feeling after reading this a good suggestion would be to see if he would like to have a pet. Be it a dog or cat. I suggested that to my Mom after my Dad passed away when she was lonely and it was a blessing. I searched for a dog that would not shed, fully potty trained, loving. Oh my goodness, I could not have asked for anything better. She had him to hug, play with, take out, show him to others, feed him. Gave her a reason to get up and think and see happy things, without too much work. A visit to a local shelter might be the answer. Then he can be very faithful. Might even be where he would take the dog in the car when he wanted to go to a coffee shop after a walk. Suggestion to see what he wants to do. Then let him think about it..
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Louise315 Dec 2020
What a wonderful idea! Companionship doesn’t always have to be romantic. A pet is a fantastic way to ward off loneliness.
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Is he seeking your opinion, or is he seeking your presumptive forgiveness, should he decide to "move on", being you 're her very close friend?

As a person of deep faith, I absolutely believe that God knows our hearts, and the reasons why we do the things we do, both good and bad. And I like to think that our reasons for doing what we do stands even greater judgement that the actions themselves, if you get what I'm trying to say. It is very easy for any of us to sit in judgement on another person's actions - but no one knows what they will do in any given situation until they are faced with that situation. It's like that classical ethics question: "would you steal bread to feed your starving children?"

If he is discussing this with you, one of his wife's close friends, he might be, even subconsciously, looking for - well, not necessarily approval - but understanding for his feelings and compassion for his well being.

Either way, you are doing both your friend and her husband a huge kindness keeping the lines of communication open, and providing him a "safe" place to have this type of discussion.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2020
Wonderful response, NGE
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He knows better than you that he is depressed and sad. Given that he is firm in his belief to remain faithful nonetheless, and visit 3X a week, while arranging for excellent care, and doing other things to make life best possible for wife, you should say absolutely nothing about getting some other female companion for his own benefit. Which would very likely compromise the above (frequency of visitation, etc.). I don't even agree with you on the premise of lack of recognition; although I don't have a credential in memory care - I'll bet neither do you - and even that is not the determinative factor. Faithfulness is. In sum, a stunningly bad idea - possibly the worst I have read on this website.
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Hello Caring Friend 2:

I could be your friend. I have struggled with this issue for years. At the risk of calling in the wrath of the assembled throng, here is my train of thought.

First let me set the stage. I realize everyone's story is unique. Here is mine:

When she called the police on me, when she accused me of having an affair, when she thought I was planning to kill her, etc, I was told by the experts that "It is not her, it is the disease." I sure thought it looked like her! I was then told by a dr. that I was the trigger for her aggressive behavior.

He then added "It is not her, it is the disease." I went into deep soul searching mode, trying to figure out what I might have done to trigger her behavior. I was then told "It is not her, it is the disease." After hearing this many times, I began to realize "It is not her."

I have her in an excellent home with outstanding staff. They know that if they ask me to, I will stand on my head in the middle of the interstate.

After "not her" called the police on me, accused me of an affair, etc., I began to realize that, just as people had said, "It is not her." I realized that "her" is gone. There is a body that used to house the woman I loved. She is gone from it.

Enough backstory.
I discussed the lack of companionship with some of my older, widowed relatives. They understood the aloneness.

I know I have done all I can do for her. I know "her" is gone. I also know I have more yesterdays than tomorrows. I know I have been alone for five years. I know the past three years have been exhausting and the past summer was hellish. None of us has a guarantee of next week. So after some soul searching and discussion, I have decided I will remain married to my wife, however I am going to seek companionship to do things, travel, and share experiences. I will explain my situation to whoever I meet. If that is a deal breaker for her, then no big deal. However, I am not going to put the rest of my life on hold while "not her, the disease" runs it course and does its best to ruin my remaining tomorrows. As I said, I have done all I can for her. I am also doing everything I can for "not her."

Perhaps this was a bit long, a bit convoluted and will even anger some people. If my reasoning makes you want to call me names, strike me down, or impugn my character, I will say that I am willing to fight for your right to say it, but I don't have to agree with it.
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Mrsrubee Dec 2020
So well put. I totally agree that we have an obligation to care for our spouses, but there comes a time when doing that at home is no longer feasible. At that point, I believe we must see that they get the best care possible and, if possible and helpful, visit often and chat by phone. But I also believe that, if we survive to that point, it is finally time for us to live a normal life again. And, if that includes a new romance, it is well deserved.
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If he feels he must remain faithful to the end, then please do not encourage him to violate his conscience. If he does, he will regret it. I'm sure he is sad and depressed, but he will not feel better if he does something that goes against what he believes to be right.
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TouchMatters Dec 2020
If he is committed to his religious beliefs, as evidenced by his behavior thus far, no outside encouragement will violate his conscience. He will determine how he needs to live and what he needs. Another can support a person where they are; they cannot change them by encouragement other than asking the person to look deep inside themselves for their own answers.
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Depression and loneliness are not the worst things that can happen to us. How many of us here have experienced it more than once in our lifetime?
Both of my hands are raised.
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bolers1 Dec 2020
I kinda agree with you. I believe that we've all experienced depression and loneliness once or twice or thrice in our lifetime. Get up and live or......
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Imho, since I am not him, I cannot advocate if he should or should not seek companionship. I cannot be that bold. Prayers sent.
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He'll know when is when.
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Ricky6 Dec 2020
Stay out of his business. He will do what he will do when he does it.
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I guess all you can do is be his friend and be supportive of whatever decision he makes. Let him know that if he did seek and find a relationship with another woman it would not be wrong and you would certainly not judge him for it. Sometimes this is what a person needs to hear. Many times they're willing to live a life of complete and utter misery in a situation like your friend's because they don't want people to think less of them. Let him know that you won't think less of him.
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Is there anyway he can join a zoom meeting with a support group?  if during this virus thing I am not sure he would want to "meet" up with a female companion IF he wants to remain loyal to his wife.  Of course you don't mention the age of these people but my dad was 91 when he went into a nursing facility, my mother 87. He passed in May 2020 and my mother would visit with him every week up until the placed closed to visitors due to the virus.  now my mother had no intentions of looking for male companionship when her hubby was in a NH but even if she had been younger, I doubt IF she would have even thought about it.  He can get interested in some hobbies, learning a new language over the internet,  its hard right now with going out into the public but if he wanted to volunteer at a store, animal shelter somewhere where he can be around others but without becoming involved (which could happen IF he let it happen and you would not want to lead anyone else on)........he needs to find a hobby, call the NH to find out how she is doing for now.  I wish your friend luck. maybe someone has a different idea
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