My dad is dying from pancreatic cancer. He is at his home in North Carolina. I live in Los Angeles. His wife is caring for him. She is a nurse. My father is only 73 years old and was diagnosed in early February. He was totally active and was kicking age's butt until this monster robbed him. After surgery and chemo didn't work, the inevitable is happening. In March I flew with him to North Carolina to care for him. He and his wife were moving there from California for retirement. She stayed behind to get everything shipped, I went with him to care for him as he recovered from surgery and to take him to oncology appointments and such (he couldn't drive). Now, we count down the days or hours and I am torn on whether to go or not to see him in his final moments. I am not sure I want to remember him this way. But I also don't want to regret anything. I have told my stepmother this. My brother has decided to not see him this way. I understand that. I want to remember him the way I do now. I love him very much.
What does "I love him very much," mean?
Do you love him enough to put aside your needs for the sake of his needs?
If he can hear you, go tell him all the things you want him to hear. In person.
You won't regret being kind in his final moments.
My mom died in hospice at 64 from brain cancer. I lived two states away and was in a new job teaching when she died and I could not be with her to say goodbye which I regret. My dad died last summer in a NH and they only let me see him as he lay comatose near death. So I never got to see him alive again. But I talked to him anyway and told him what I wanted him to hear.
Go, talk to him, pray over him if you do that, say the 23rd psalm, or just hold his hand. You will NEVER regret doing a kind act and it will be good for you and him.
You however must honor your feelings too. Feelings are just what they are, neither good or bad. So you shouldn’t judge yourself as terrible if you don’t go. So if you don’t go, just be sure that sits well with you.
I have been where you are. I made the choice to see my father after much consideration.
Thank God I did because after he died I had the peace of knowing We both said goodbye (without having to actually say it).
And yet, all my memories are of the times when he was young and healthy. My mind brings me only the good memories.
The way our minds work, well, I believe this will certainly be true for you,too.
Do yourself the kindness of booking the flight.
She was on many meds for a heart condition, thyroid, etc. They withheld all and let her pass naturally. It took about 3 days. I got a call in the am that she passed away. I picked up my dad and we went to see her. She looked like something had sucked the life/breath out of her body. And her skin looked plastic. I don't know any other way to describe it. And that memory is stuck in my head forever now.
So if you'd rather remember your dad how he is now, don't go.
My prayers are with you and your dad.
Only you can make that decision. My thoughts and prayers are sent to both you and your dad.
My dad and I had so many wonderful conversations in those last days, and I wouldn't trade them for the world. He didn't become unconscious until the day before he died.
I'm sure he'd want to see you and hold your hand if you could bring yourself to do it, but if all you can bear is to Facetime, so be it. Just don't paralyze yourself with fear over death itself. It's a natural conclusion to life. We aren't very pretty when we first arrive on this earth either, but our parents didn't turn away from our scrunched up faces and pointed heads then. :-)
Again it is your decision - I was present when my MIL breathed her last breath - when I remember her - I remember her from the brief few years I shared with her.
I wasn't present when my father died. He'd been on hospice for about 6 months. He just quietly went to sleep. The hospice nurse had called to give me an up date just 2 days earlier saying he was still feisty and trying to climb out of his wheelchair - while we knew death could come at any time - it still took my by surprise. While I remember dad in SN - what I remember most are good times.
May you be blessed with grace, peace and love.
When my father was passing, I knew it would be in the wee hours of the morning, so I left his room at the ALF and went home precisely because I did NOT want to witness him taking his last breath. I don't know what purpose that would have served, really. I was with him for a great amount of time prior, and that was hard enough. I can now remember him laughing and enjoying a meal at my house instead of struggling to breathe, which was my goal all along.
Wishing you peace and comfort at this difficult time in your life. Sending you a hug, too.
I can tell you from personal experience with my husband, who had an excruciatingly painful 6 week dying process back in Sept. 2020, that I too thought that since I was here with him 24/7, that that was all I would think of and remember when I thought of him after his death. Initially I did, but thankfully over time, I can now look back and remember him and the life we shared in a positive light.
So do what your heart is telling you to do, as you can never go wrong if you follow your heart. God bless you.
Stay strong.