Both my parents are living w me. They live on my property in a very nice mobile home. My mom has Parkinson’s, and my dad provides most of her care. The issue is my dad. He’s a narcissist, has ADHD and is obsessive compulsive. He has little respect for boundaries. I’m a single mom so he thinks he is the “man” of the house. I come home from long days at work, and he follows me around and tells me all the things I need to do around the house. He repeats the same things day in and day out until I do whatever it is he thinks needs to be done. He is home all day and could easily do these things, but generally they are not prioritized by me as urgent. I’m tired from work, I need to care for my children and take care of my priorities, not the things he feels need to get done. He comes into my house at all hours, is disruptive and disrespectful because he feels whatever it is he feels is important, urgent or should be addressed immediately. They can be silly things like, I need to feed an animal that has already been fed or I need to fix something, or he wants to tell me for the 1 millionth time something he wants me to do that I haven’t had time to get done yet. I end up staying late at work or coming home and trying to hide out in my room to avoid him. If I’m on the phone he will stand there and wait and listen to my phone call or follow me around as I try to move to have a private phone conversation. I need help in how to set boundaries with him. I don’t want to be disrespectful; I want to connect w him. But all he does is tell me what to do or needs to be done there is never a conversation about anything other than that. It’s always a stressful encounter. Tonight, he was telling me something, I listened, gave him my feedback and since he didn’t like my feedback, he began yelling about it and getting angry because he felt I wasn’t listening to him, but it was because I didn’t see it the way he wanted me to. I was respectful and kind and just let it go. But this is starting to really weigh on me.
What would appropriate boundaries be? I’m to a point where all I can see as a boundary is please don’t talk to me! Don’t come in my house uninvited and stop constantly telling me what to do. I’m sure I’m just being triggered from my childhood experiences with growing up w him and the loss of control it must have made me feel as a child. I want to be kind. I want to be respectful. I want to connect. He makes it very difficult. I know i should “detach with love” and I am working on that. But I would like to have a conversation about the boundaries I need to feel healthier in this situation.
I also pay all the bills; they don’t help financially. I run a business. And have children at home still. I’m single. Dating is totally out of the question. I can’t imagine bringing another person into this situation.
Anyone have constructive boundaries they have told their parents that helped you feel more comfortable. I am not sure he will respect these boundaries. But I need to try something.
The situation will only get worse. Your dad will get worse, criticizing more…
He has OCD. It’s an illness. You CAN’T reason him out of it.
You’ll want to escape more and more from him. I suggest your parents move out of your house. It was kind you to let them live there. Now they should move.
If he has keys, put hook-and-eye latches on your doors.
When Dad shadows you, nags about this & that simply say Thank you Dad. On repeat.
I know the C in OCD is for Compulsive but I feel it as Controlling. Do this, do that, have you done this? Done that? Check this, check that? Like trying to bat away 100 ping pong balls being fired at you one after the other.
I bet you want to scream Chill Out Mister! And also get out of my face!
Btw, why is he shadowing YOU? Why is he not in his own home talking the head of your Mom?
Good question. Probably mom doesn’t listen, so OP is a better target.
I agree with controlling (oCd). THAT is his obsession: to control OP. Control and Criticize.
C then also stands for Criticize.