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You cannot "protect your husband" on the one hand and on the other tell him "you have no idea." Who does it help, and how, to conceal phone calls from him? Not you, not your mother, not him.

You cannot see your mother cope perfectly well with widowhood for over a decade, then have a health blip followed immediately by a RADICAL CHANGE in mood and behaviour, and think the problem is that she's got a bit lonely.

You surely cannot suppose that your previously rational and capable mother is now utterly unable to follow the pros and cons of decision-making because of a recurrence of post partum depression.

What was the "little health blip"?
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HelpPlease1963 May 2020
She had a bleeding ulcer that no one new she had , after taking her to her doctor and emergency rooms numerous times . It was like no one really cared about helping a 88 year old .
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I am an only child and cared for my Mom for 17 years on and off, then the last 2 were very difficult. She was bedridden in my home on hospice before she passed away over 4 yrs. ago. Then my husband became an only child when his only sibling died 3 yrs. ago...leaving us once again to care for MIL, 89. She passed away on Mother's Day....It is hard when all falls onto one person. I can only say I wish you strength during this time, and hopefully a good solution can be had to your mom's living situation.
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HelpPlease1963 May 2020
Thank you and sorry for your loss
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Imho, you should not let her live with you.
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I might be misunderstanding the situation, but it seems like she is very isolated and basically you fill up her day. So naturally she would want to come live with you. If there was a nice independent living community where she could meet other independent elders, that would be a place she could maybe meet new friends and explore some interests. Right now it seems like you are her world and that's it.
Also, if she sold her house and picked out the place she wanted to live, it might give her some satisfaction that she is using her money for herself with things of her choosing.
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Yea, I get it. Mine are both alive, but they have money problems and are dysfunctional. I do the opposite and stay away as much as possible.

I have looked into some senior retirement homes. The ones I liked the best was you buy the house then pay 300 for HOA fees. They have a director that helps keep everyone busy and happy. Kinda pricey.

The other choice is a retirement home. Same thing happen but you do not own the place. Both places will feed you and entertain them.

My Mother was always to busy to play. She always had to work so we could eat. Very hard now when she wants to hang out. I do understand. My father is a drunk and angry. Nasty to be around but she won't leave. Let you'r husband know what is going on, he could be a great help. Besides, secrets in a marriage is bad.

Good luck.
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HelpPlease1963 May 2020
Thank you
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I would advise a low dose anti depressant, I call mom’s vitamins. I went with Mom to a church and got her into a Bible class, then Lunch after.
she also liked singing in the Senior choir. Also, we went together for pedicures, once per month, and a local beauty school every other week.
Make sure you have date nights with your hubs, and give him attention, as well.
my hubs was similar to yours,
I finally had a heart to heart, this won’t be forever at 88 years old. You don’t want to have regrets. I went ahead and retired, so that I would have energy for myself and my family.
I would not move your Mother in with you, If your husband is against it, you will both be unhappy. You are in charge, now that your Mom is Elderly, do what is best for you, while still spending some time with her.
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First of all, what about opening up to your husband so he is fully aware of what is going on and your feelings and thoughts. You may need his backup one day and it is best he knows as you go along before something goes wrong big time. Second, do NOT take her into your home. People who do this will have their lives changed completely. Seek out possible assisted living or some other place where she might be able to make new friends. And try to get a Power of Attorney so you can step in if she starts screwing up with money. Please do this now before you go off the deep end.
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HelpPlease1963 May 2020
Thank you
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I didn't read down but are there funds for AL? Although she may say no way the fact that she is lonely and seems to not want to isolate could make her a good candidate. Often with elders there is resistance but they can and do adjust and overall their health is best cared for and the devoted person you are which is admirable needs a break. Every day is just too much and can cause a dependency that is not beneficial. I think my mother in AL can at times be bored but she does avail herself of numerous daily reading materials which she does in a lobby sitting with others. In my mind that is good because she is leaving her room. I just know as she ages she is in such a better environment medically,socially and general health wise with the ability to see a nurse practioner at short notice. She also can ride an exercise bike at least 5 times a week.
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I was also an only, it’s tough. I agree that you should stick firm with Mom that she cannot move in with you. If she would move to AL or other senior living arrangements she may not be as lonely as living in a house she says she hates. You need to stop hiding what Mom is doing to you from your husband. You need a support system and he needs to see what Mom’s demands are doing to you. You also need to walk away when Mom starts down that path. Remind her it is a closed discussion and if she continues you will need to end the conversation. Let her know that you would be happy to help her find different living arrangements as long as they are not in your home.
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No you are not alone, I care for my Mother in law, she has 4 children and my husband and I are the only ones who take care of here it is physically, emotionally and mentally exhausting
I am there at least 3 days a week and we are by every day and on weekends 3, 4 and 5 times a day she's so lonely. She has arthritis and has trouble getting around sometimes she makes it out worse that it is, she refuses to go to the doctor for anything, from my research she has Dementia and alzheimers but as I said refuses a doc and wouldn't take any meds given to her
If you would like to talk further just ask for my contact info
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