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Don't beat yourself up if you can't do it any more. It's hard hard hard to make the decision to find a placement in long term care but none of us is superwoman and we all have our limits. 🤗
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You are a great person to care for your mom. I took care of mom for many years until she died at age 90. She needed a feeding tube at the end because it spared her of dying of dehydration which can take 2 weeks even under hospice. Ironically OTHER natural causes killed mom--not her Alzheimer's--with her feeding tube her body got much stronger, just no mind left. She was pretty much a person alive without a brain left; still she never suffered, and knew even at her much advanced state she was surrounded with love, her home, daily routines, and around-the-clock care.

I have 2 brothers but they were no help to me, but my best friend watched her so at least I could still work a little and keep a job. If you have no help, you only have two options: Quit your job and be her 24/7 carer, or nursing home. Her condition WILL deteriorate just as my mom did, and it eventually took 1-1/2 hours to feed her per meal. When that was no longer possible, I got the feeding tube which was only a ten minute procedure for the surgeon. It took care of mom's needs and she was comfortable right to the end.

Hospice was helpful, but they have limited in-home care. Volunteers can sit but they do no hands-on care. A CNA can come in a half hour twice a week to help bathe, and you probably have to wait all day for them so I never used either. Cleaning mom was a daily endeavor and I had to change her diaper about 4 to 5 times a day. I used hospice to reorder mom's routine medications (Lopressor and insulin, and lactulose for her bowels), and routine lab work. Hospice did provide all the supplies I needed such as diapers, gloves, tube feedings, tubing, pump, hospital bed, lifts, gerichair, and so on. Diapers are very expensive--about 50 cents a piece--so I used about 4 or 5 a day representing $2 to $2.50 a day just for diapers. That's why I got her on hospice. Besides it got too hard to take to the doctor. Hospice still means care, but you have to make certain everything is done right. I fired two hospices before I found one I liked.
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I hope your mother is paying for the caregiver. Is she? How many times a night do you have to get up to change your mother's diaper?

What are the plans for when it gets worse? How old are your children? Do you think this is good for them?

Is your own physical/mental health suffering? Do you think your and your family's needs come before your mother's?
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I am also sole caregiver for my 99 yo Mom. My only living sibling is battling his own health issues. But, I am so lucky, Mom is healthy, mobile (with a walker) and alert! But it still takes its toll on me, so I can’t even imagine the burden you are carrying.
As someone previously suggested, I would contact Social Security and begin the process of having her approved for SSI. You could also contact a local Senior Center, they have a boatload of information and will help point you in the right direction.
Take a deep breath, you are not alone. Do not feel as though you have failed if you need to institutionalize her, you gave more than most in a very difficult situation.
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I have hired a caregiver thru an agency and I found that the agency coordinates the schedule for me. I have the caregiver 8 hours a day 6 days a week. She has been a total blessing and even cooks for my mother and I. When I first started caring for my mother 24/7 it was easy because some of my siblings helped then they quit coming so now it is all on me too! If your mother is eligible for veterans benefits that would help with expenses or check with the Council On Aging in your area.
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Look into getting SSI (Social Security Supplement)which is what I got for my mother in law in order to have her placed in assisted living.
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cetude Feb 2020
Assisted living does ***NOT*** cover hands-on care. If they require toileting this is nursing home placement which means putting her on Medicaid, and that is a very tough complex situation requiring an elder-care attorney.
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I am doing it. I’m new here and have just been reading until I saw this post. I had a stroke recently so it’s very difficult. My mom refuses to allow outside care to come in. She’s so paranoid. She also refuses to leave home. Demands to die at home. She is not a kind person at this stage. We never got along. My little sister died 14 years ago and dad died 5 years ago. Mom’s friend have all “disappeared.” Before she got bad it was all “if you need anything...” or “if I can help...”. Now they just don’t return my calls. Mom is 72, me 48. It’s very frustrating somedays. Extremely depressing others but I do see how this group can be a lifesaver.

Keep fighting the fight. Thinking of all of you CG’s out there. 🤗
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keepingup Feb 2020
The best advice I ever got from this wonderful site is to take care of yourself in any way you can. It is neither selfish not irresponsible. You have friends here.
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You say that getting paid help is too expensive. But what about the value of your own life ? How long can you go on doing what sounds like the job of three people ? (Full time employee, Parent, and Caretaker) Realistically, she will probably need even more care over time. No one can do it all.

Without knowing any details about your situation, it truly sounds like you are already overwhelmed. You must get help, or else place her where others can give her the care she needs. This might cost some of her money, but I see no alternative. You need a social worker to help explain what alternatives are available. If you live in the US, contact your state council of aging.

I wish you all the best. Hope too you stay on this site for resources and support. You do not have to be a martyr.
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Our amazing, wonderful, faceless family here on agingcare! That’s how we do it, my friend. Here you will find unconditional, non-judge mental, helpful advice, luv, support and sincerity from the best people you’ll never meet. Here is where your sanity is salvaged and you’re never alone. You will laugh, learn, cry, vent, and share with others who truly understand. Opinions may vary, but camaraderie is unwavering.
xoxoxo
susan
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I did it for 15 years. I was raising two daughters when mom moved in. I wish I could help you. I had to stop caring for mom because it became too hard. Please look out for your well being. Be very careful not to burn out..
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I am taking care of my mom alone and her needs have escalated to needing 24/7 help. Wheelchair bound, I do all transfers (even when I have a caregiver from an agency, they refuse to move her), bowel care, plus she gets a bit needy. I found respite care through my local ADRC. They directed me to a grant through the county that provides roughly 4 hours a week respite. Care giving is the hardest job on earth, you just have to take it one day, sometimes one hour at a time
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Ricky6 Feb 2020
Have thought of getting a get u up lift to transfer your mom?
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I am an only child of one remaining parent who needs a lot of care. She, however, lives in a Memory Care Assisted Living home until her money runs out. Then I will apply for Medicaid to get her placed in a Skilled Nursing Home. There is no way on God's green earth I have the desire or the ability to care for someone in my mother's situation, with moderate dementia, incontinence, is wheelchair bound, and requires help with EVERYTHING all the time. Why are you doing this? You have way too much on your plate working full time, having a family, kids and husband to attend to, in addition to a mother who requires 24/7 care. There is no way to lessen the load or the pain you're dealing with unless you place your mother into care. There is only SO much of you to go around, so naturally, something/someone is going to suffer since you can only spread yourself so thin. It's too much to expect of yourself and your family. Look into applying for Medicaid or, if she has the funds, getting her placed into a private pay Memory Care home. My mother is VERY well cared for where she is by a staff of people who love her. She has stimulating activities every day, socialization, and 3 hot meals and 3 snacks to boot.

Wishing you the best of luck!
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It may be time to have your mom moved into nursing home. If money is an issue, contact your state's Medicaid office and apply for long term care for her. If there's a good NH in your area and there are beds available ( if not, go on waiting list), she will get 24/7 care and you can return to taking care of your children, concentrating on your job and having time for yourself and your husband.

** Just saw your question about an NH that has Chinese-Mandarin speaking personnel. Check around the NHs in your area.
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Wow, this is a very tough situation! I do NOT know how you do it!! I wish I had some wonderful advice to make your life exponentially better.

Does your mom have no money? Happens, no doubt. She obviously needs more care than you can provide. I don't know how you go to work and have kids to take care of on top of that. There is NOT enough of you to go around.

When there is no money, except a SS check, there are still options. Perhaps there are some volunteer organizations in your area? It sounds like she needs to be in a nursing home where they can more easily provide the 24/7 care she needs. Get in touch with someone to find out about medicare (or medicaid, I always mix them up). Talk to a local nursing home.

Get the ball rolling so that you can reclaim some of your sanity and get your mom the care she needs too.

Best of luck.
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