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Piss off Sarah111! I'm stressed out not stupid.
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I can empathize with you. I had a family member doing the same thing to me, and at the same time, I was working at a place, doing case management for people who were in residential care and had a couple of clients who were calling three or four staff at my office all day long doing the same thing. I had ALL their calls transferred to my desk, and after putting ALL 437 of my other clients on the back burner for a day and attending to every one of their requests, I told them that I would ONLY be able to respond on Tuesday at 10, 10:30, 11:00 etc. I then called the care homes and gently and firmly reminded them that they needed to be providing a secure and comforting routine for the people who lived there, and while they cannot restrict the use of the phone per se, that allowing people to engage in anxiety directed behavior might be a violation of their residents rights. The calls stopped that very day. The next week, every client told me how they were busy with taking walks, doing tai chi, etc amazing. The families reported that visiting time was much more relaxed as well. And that they too had actually slept. And really, the stress at my office went down too, and we were better able to care for all of our clients. It really does take a village, and each member of that village has an important role. Please try to avoid doing what I do when i feel overwhelmed....I get in a tough situation, and then I beat myself up for being in a tough situation. Now I got two tough situations. ugh. My mama Im sure had her moments of being overwhelmed caring for me when I was a little baby crying all night for weeks with colic. I suppose dealing with those calls at work was me getting to return the favors........
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Hi Ruthie - thanks for your advice. The place where my mom is - is great. I know they have tried to get her involved in the activities that are offered throughout the day. Unfortunately my mom refuses to participate in anything - even eats her meals in her room. When I ask her about the activities she makes condescending remarks and belittles thoses who do participate. I only hope she is less "high horsed" when refusing to staff. I'm sure your final paragraph wasn't meant to imply that I owed my mother these last five years in exchange for her raising me -
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Thanks, GardenArtist! Wow! What kind of low-life trolls a site like this trying to take advantage of people who are going through some of the hardest days of their life?!!!
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no, not at all, only that love is a circle. Which makes it hurt sometimes. My own family..they never did take the hint either.......sometimes there are days where I would go home from work and start "work" the minute I walked in the door. Made me absolutely nuts. My family was "non participating" also...mostly cause they were scared to death. They could be at the greatest theme park in the country and miss the fun cause the rides were too scary and the food was too unhealthy, you know what I mean?...... Most staff are used to "high horsedness", a certain amount of it comes with the job. ........yet, there may be one or two that are slowly working there way in, who knows? In sure that you are confident in their services. I hope you can get some down time for yourself soon
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Rain, I hope that you have gotten the message to
1. Turn your phone to vibrate and check the number before answering
2.called the nh and told them that you need for them to call you only if mom is being transported to the hospital
3.gone and done something nice for yourself.
You'll call your doctor tomorrow morning and hopefully get into to see her/him same day. It IS an emergency.
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Ruthie and Babalou - it's Sunday. Usually on Sunday's a care giver come to take my son out for several hours. Hubby and I visit mom and they go out to an early dinner. Today the regular person for my son was still on vacation and hubby had to work OT. After yesterday's disaster phone conversation with mom I decided it was best I not see her today - that and I would have had to take my son. My son doesn't like to visit grandma anymore - she gets agitated with him which in turn gets him worked up. Sooo - after a lazy morning I was trying to plan an outing for my son and I. To my surprise the regular sub for my son showed up at the usual time. So off they went and I find myself with five hours all to myself and nothing planed. Alone time!!! So it's movies on tv, brushing my beloved dogs and some housekeeping - all things that soothe me. Funny how ever now and then the universe steps in and gives a hand when you need it the most!
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If the favored son is willing to take on the responsibility then let him. She may not give him the same problems. I usually find the favored child doesn't usually take the reins. Seems to be the one the parent can get away with intimidating.
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Amen, JoAnn! I was just thinking the same thing not five minutes ago. I became a "people pleaser" in early childhood in an effort to keep the peace with volatile parents. The middle brother, while unable to see mom clearly alternatively takes no prisoners when he thinks he is right about something - which is all the time in his mind, lol! A while back during an argument with me he said maybe it was time for him to take over. Initially I said no - but after about a week I reconsidered and called him to say yes. It was almost comical the way and speed in which he back peddled! I plan to reapproach him after the new year when his surgery/recovery is finished.
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You can hang on to guilt. It will overwhelm you.
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I have these same issues, but with a Uncle who never had chidren and my father (his brother) refuses to help. I have two siblings who do not visit or care either. My Uncle is nearly blind and deaf and wants to stay at home until the end. I work full-time, have a grown daughter and a teenage son living at home and I am my Uncle's medical poa. I also take care of his bills, his dr. appts. and shop, cook his meals and wash his clothes. My husband and son cut his wood and fill his outdoor stove 2x a day. I am emotionally drained and just want to run away by myself. Oh, I have been on medication for bi-polar depression and anxiety for 20 years and feel like this is leading me to a meltdown. What I'm saying is that without caring for my Uncle, it's hard for me to have a "good" day anyway. Does anyone understand what I mean?
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My bad: I meant to say you CANNOT hang on to guilt.
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Oh my God, the phone calls. I am so thankful for my call blocking app, without it I would have gone insane months ago. I must get anywhere from 10-25 mom-related calls a day each weekday and a solid 90% of them are nothing. And the important ones ALWAYS come three seconds after I stepped into the shower or while I'm bagging my stuff at the supermarket.
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Yep. We kept our land line......primarily because the oldsters in our life weren't up for learning 2 new phone numbers. When the land line rings, it's either a telemarketer or family. And it ONLY rings when I'm occupied in the bathroom or we're sitting down to eat.
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For those who are troubled by excessive phone calls, the phone I got a few months ago—with three hand sets—enables me to block numbers. It also announces the name of the caller, the number, or "out of area" in a robot voice with odd pronunciation, but intelligible. It is made by Panasonic. I bought it at Best Buy, and it was not expensive. I only pick up when I recognize the name or number. My friends and the ALF where my husband is leave messages. I return the calls when needed at my convenience.
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I have an excellent call blocker app (sends them directly to VM) and also a feature called "quiet hours", which enables me to restrict all calls except those by specified contacts during whatever hours I choose. You can also set it so that a call will break through if they call more than three times in two minutes in case someone is trying to call you from an unknown number with something urgent.

I also like google voice for VM because you can just log in to the GV site and read your VMs and play them right there. They also give you a phone number that you can give out instead of your "real" one if you so desire. IMO it's pretty handy.
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To unglued:
It is wonderful that you help your old uncle. Honestly, I do not see why in 2015 someone needs to chop wood and fill a stove 2X a day. Where does your uncle live? Is he eligible for Medicaid or Medicare assistance for cooking and clothes washing?
There is a program called Meals on Wheels which delivers hot meals to the homebound elderly daily at little or no cost to them. Also if he is blind and deaf you should contact the department for the aging in your area and talk to a social worker about his personal needs for his own safety. There is no reason in the world that you and your family should go crazy taking care of him. There are plenty of resources out there for the elderly. If the other members if the family don't want to help, so be it. There are MANY services available to the elderly from government agencies. Is your uncle a veteran per chance? Even more resources available. Reach out to a social worker in your community. Look up the department for the aging. They will assist you in getting some help in caring for your uncle. As far as chopping wood for the stove goes, that is entirely up to your husband and sons. No elderly person in America in 2015 who is blind and deaf would be expected to reside in circumstances that would require a wood burning stove. Sounds like the home could be modernized and a lot of effort saved. If there are no funds for that, it seems like that is something a government agency could assist with.
Don't make it any harder on yourself than it has to be. You have POA. Use common sense. Your uncle needs care and compassion, not a dead niece.
Good luck!
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I am struggling with this as well. Now that my mom is in AL I am trying to disentangle myself from her, and find that if I don't have contact for a few days, I lose that obsessive preoccupation with her and her health. Once I do get back involved, it starts up again. I'm learning to desensitize myself. If it's a trivial thing like she's having a problem with another resident, even if she's in tears over it, I find that I'm not really that concerned. It's almost a wartime mentality; if it's not life and death, then it's minor.
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I know what you mean, Ribbman. Tomorrow is thanksgiving and for the first time in years I won't be going to wherever mom is living to miserably sit through dinner. It's a big step for me - huge actually considering my brother tried to pressure me into going there or taking her out. Mind you, he has not spent a thanksgiving with her in at least 10 years and this year is no different - He is an hour out of town at his vacation home with his family and friends. Hubby and I are taking her some flowers and plan a 15 minute visit - then onto our own life! Disentangle and desensitize, right?
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Oh thank you! This group is helping out already. We are distancing ourselves from Mom for Thanksgiving this year, too. I am struggling with feeling guilty. My brother is sure to react to that negatively, even though he hasn't visited her in probably ten years himself.
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ribbman
try not to feel guilty. You need a little respite. It sounds like you have given a lot over the past years Enjoy your time with your husband.
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This thread has been very helpful to me. I saw myself in so many of your responses.....the part of me that was going down a rabbit hole. Of course, at the time I didn't know how bad I was or how to find my way out of it.

Mom is now in Assisted Living, and I immediately set boundaries of what I would and would not do, what I would and would not accept. I truly believe that saved my life. Yes, I still get the guilt pangs, but not as often. We can't be everything for everyone. Goodness knows, we try though!

In my particular situation, I told the ALF to contact my sister who lives 5 miles away instead of me, who lives 45 miles away. It has been 9 months and sis just recently is acknowledging to me and others all I did for Mom the 6 years prior.

Boundaries. Yes, they are necessary for our own survival. I hope you find the strength to set them sooner than I did.
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OMG, I have the same problems you described, only I am stuck LIVING WITH HER! I arranged for a respite which involved a free 6 night stay at a nursing home so I could get a way for a few days, but when I told her, she had a meltdown and would not stop crying even after I gave in and hired her aide to stay for 6 nights. For the few days between the meltdown and the day I could leave (this morning), she harassed me incessantly, right up until I walked out the door. I really do not want to go back, but if I don't, she'll be taken into custody and placed in a nursing home for good, which I know she cannot tolerate for long.
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mscoulter, I am just getting started on this perilous journey, and I really don't know where the point is that we simply let our parent go, but I know it's there. It's probably different for all of us. You of course need to decide what you can live with, but if you can simply let your mother go, then maybe it's not what she can tolerate, but what YOU can tolerate.
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Mscoulter, I'm sure your mom thinks that she couldn't tolerate a nursing home, but she almost certainly would. She might even thrive.
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Completely agree with Babalou. We're talking three squares a day and someone seeing to your needs 24/7. It's hardly a concentration camp.

Of course, my mother still finds something to complain about in her ALF, but I always fall back on the knowledge that that she's being cared for.
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My two cents, mscoulter: my mom did not want to move to the place she's at. It's a beautiful facility, only a couple years old, 38 rooms, very homey yet almost elegant. A few days before moving she referred to it as "that pig stye". Couldn't be further from the truth but no where was going to make her happy. Her health and care needs dictated this type of place. On her first night she had the mother of all meltdowns - she survived and so did I. Almost 3 weeks there, she hasn't looked this good in years. She is still complaining - not as much - but for her that's par. My efforts now are aimed at getting her out of her room, get her involved in a few activities and maybe even make a friend. She said to me last week that she didn't want to live alone - even though thats what's she's been since my dad died over three years ago. But it would have been useless to point that fact out to her - so instead I said "your not. You have 37 room-mates!"
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Thank you for your responses to me though it was not my question to begin with. I know how my mom would be in a nursing home because I watched her after her first hip break when she was in a nursing home/rehab for 9 weeks and it nearly killed her. She developed UTI, malnutrition, and hospital delirium from that and the ridiculous amounts of medication they had her on. I do not believe she can survive a nursing home. In my area of NY, the nursing homes are terrible. My cousin's mother in-law was forced into one when her dementia and physical disability disqualified her from assisted living. She died a couple of months after the transfer.
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Rainmom, glad you had your own time with hubby for holidays. As to your original question, there will always be so guilt, but it will fade in time and you will understand that life being what it is, no one gets what they want all the time. Our parents taught us that as we grew up so now is the time to apply it to their stiuation. I realize those with dementia cannot help many of their actions but the rule still applys no one get what they want all the time. We do the best we can and move on. I am glad you are learning to move on.
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My mom is in Assisted Living (9+ months now) and just this past month or so started participating in some activities. Mostly the activities in the large lobby area where residents can sit and either participate or observe others participating. She just turned 95 and resisted being anywhere "with all those old people".

I have to admit that I think she is participating more because it is right off the dining room and she doesn't remember her way back to her own room. Maybe that was by design? LOL
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