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Sorry If I was harsh yesterday,I was having a bad day with dad. I apologize,
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Lovesddd, all I can say is that mental illness and dementia are game changers. What is possible to do with an elder who is frail but mentally sound ( one who has good safety awareness, knows how to use a phone and is accepting of outside help) is a different story from a paranoid, immobile elder who smears feces when not supervised.

You should also remember that harboring and saving up your resentment to heap on someone later is very unhealthy.
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Lovesdad - I will add - for you to say my mother didn't run away when I was a child is your assumption. My husband has two separate heart conditions - every morning when I wake up to find him breathing I thank God. You really shouldn't make statements based on things you know nothing about. - Hope that was polite enough.
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Lovesdad - I'm gonna have to politely disagree with you, but I appreciate your feedback and point of view. If this were my dad instead of my mom I would probably feel differently - but who knows - dementia certainly has a way of changing people.
I have found a couple of strategies that are helping me cope and that's enough for now.
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Listen, your parents didnt run away when you were a child and you cant run away either. You wont be able to live with yourself if you do. Your mother needs you, and your husband will be there for a lifertime. Your mom loves you, so do the right thing and care for her with love and compassion. Its her time now, not yours. Your time will come, but its not now. I am the sole caretaker of my 80 year old father, I drive 5000 miles a month taking care of him. I do it YES and with a smile and love. He is my dad and I would never ever turn by back in him, ever! some people have chose not to help, and one day I will remind them of that and hope they live a life of guilt, but selfish people don't have guilt I guess. Dont give up on your mom! DO THE RIGHT THING
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Less and less guilt as time goes on.

I am the one who managed and did the bulk of Mom's care for 6 years from 60 miles away while sis who lived 2 miles from Mom breezed in & out and controlled the money. Then Mom moved in with me & my family and it was a disaster. That lasted for 2 months. Mom moved in to Assisted Living 10 months ago, again by sister, and I told the facility to contact sister 1st & not me. Sis now acknowledging and admitting to everyone all that I did the past 6+ years.

Well, about 2 hours ago I got an email from sis complaining about "all the calls" and today was the worst because she had to go over there as Mom was having a bad day. Ahhhh, karma! Meanwhile, I breeze in & out on my Saturday visits, and Mom is tickled pink because I drive "such a distance" as she tells anyone and everyone.

Guilt? Nope. Secret pleasure? YUP.
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I just did about a month ago. I took care of my mother for eight years until she passed. Then my heartless and healthy father thought he "was going to step into moms place". For two years, my husband and I put up with his antics (one of which he left the stove on and he almost blew up the house with my son in it-he started drinking and was drunk). I had all the symptoms, stress, anxiety, you name it. Found him an independent living facility and my husband and I purchased our first home together. My father has not started calling on a non stop basis for stupid stuff 24/7. I decided to change my number and cut off all contact. I do feel some guilt but then I think of him calling my mother a b.... several times the month before she passed and then I don't feel so bad. I know in my heart that if I did not cut off all ties, I would leave my husband wireless and my son motherless-the stress and anxiety would have killed me. Trust me, it was not easy and I am the first person that would never tell someone no. But I will say this, I do not have anymore anxiety attacks, jaw pain, or chest pain.
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mscoulter, thanks for mentioning narcissistic behavior! When I brought my mother her to be closer, I was intrigued at the idea of having a new relationship with her, adult-to-adult, rather than parent to child,. What I've learned hasn't been pretty. I see her as narcissistic and manipulative, but I don't know how much of that is her disease and how much of it is her. It's kind of forced me to see my entire childhood in a new light.

We had a pretty bad tiff today over the phone, and she was very mean to me. I asked her if she still loved me, and she broke down crying and said yes, with all my heart. And i asked her, then why are so angry at me all the time? And she said, because you don't do anything I want.
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Yes, Rovana she understands that, but can't seem to help herself change. She is very stubborn and narcissistic.
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You have an external problem....the phone calls, the neediness from mom. BUT more importantly you have an internal problem....you have great
Y internalized the stress...you wake up in tears, cry through coffee. You have a special needs child, a needy mother and a marriage you do not want to damage.

Talk to your husband, remind him of that you love him and are under great stress, have a good cry. Maybe try to see a therapist, maybe even try a virtual option.....therapy is all about talking and focusing on certain things.....the online version can work for someone like you who is very self aware and short on time.

Your problem is not about changing phone lines or spending a day at the spa (which could not hurt), but about getting your arms around the very real stress producers you have in your life.

Best to you
L
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Lol - I'm just hoping it isn't the guy in the room next door - he's got one of those stripper poles and mom could throw a hip!
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Rain: That's too funny!
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Oh Lord! It seems mom has a gentleman admirer at the NH! She said "but he's old and disabled!" At least it's got her participating in morning chair exercise every day!
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*TRUE*
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Tahowoman: Good one AND so ttrue!
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Kdcm - thanks for the laugh!
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Mscoulter, is your mom able to understand that if she wants to stay out of a nursing home, then she should be doing every thing possible to help you out? If stresscaused by her makes it impossible for you to care for her, then she would not have any choice. You would not be able to be there - then what?
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One of the wisest things anyone has ever said to me was, "If you burn yourself out, you are not helping anyone." Set limits and stick to them.
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My mom is in Assisted Living (9+ months now) and just this past month or so started participating in some activities. Mostly the activities in the large lobby area where residents can sit and either participate or observe others participating. She just turned 95 and resisted being anywhere "with all those old people".

I have to admit that I think she is participating more because it is right off the dining room and she doesn't remember her way back to her own room. Maybe that was by design? LOL
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Rainmom, glad you had your own time with hubby for holidays. As to your original question, there will always be so guilt, but it will fade in time and you will understand that life being what it is, no one gets what they want all the time. Our parents taught us that as we grew up so now is the time to apply it to their stiuation. I realize those with dementia cannot help many of their actions but the rule still applys no one get what they want all the time. We do the best we can and move on. I am glad you are learning to move on.
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Thank you for your responses to me though it was not my question to begin with. I know how my mom would be in a nursing home because I watched her after her first hip break when she was in a nursing home/rehab for 9 weeks and it nearly killed her. She developed UTI, malnutrition, and hospital delirium from that and the ridiculous amounts of medication they had her on. I do not believe she can survive a nursing home. In my area of NY, the nursing homes are terrible. My cousin's mother in-law was forced into one when her dementia and physical disability disqualified her from assisted living. She died a couple of months after the transfer.
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My two cents, mscoulter: my mom did not want to move to the place she's at. It's a beautiful facility, only a couple years old, 38 rooms, very homey yet almost elegant. A few days before moving she referred to it as "that pig stye". Couldn't be further from the truth but no where was going to make her happy. Her health and care needs dictated this type of place. On her first night she had the mother of all meltdowns - she survived and so did I. Almost 3 weeks there, she hasn't looked this good in years. She is still complaining - not as much - but for her that's par. My efforts now are aimed at getting her out of her room, get her involved in a few activities and maybe even make a friend. She said to me last week that she didn't want to live alone - even though thats what's she's been since my dad died over three years ago. But it would have been useless to point that fact out to her - so instead I said "your not. You have 37 room-mates!"
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Completely agree with Babalou. We're talking three squares a day and someone seeing to your needs 24/7. It's hardly a concentration camp.

Of course, my mother still finds something to complain about in her ALF, but I always fall back on the knowledge that that she's being cared for.
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Mscoulter, I'm sure your mom thinks that she couldn't tolerate a nursing home, but she almost certainly would. She might even thrive.
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mscoulter, I am just getting started on this perilous journey, and I really don't know where the point is that we simply let our parent go, but I know it's there. It's probably different for all of us. You of course need to decide what you can live with, but if you can simply let your mother go, then maybe it's not what she can tolerate, but what YOU can tolerate.
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OMG, I have the same problems you described, only I am stuck LIVING WITH HER! I arranged for a respite which involved a free 6 night stay at a nursing home so I could get a way for a few days, but when I told her, she had a meltdown and would not stop crying even after I gave in and hired her aide to stay for 6 nights. For the few days between the meltdown and the day I could leave (this morning), she harassed me incessantly, right up until I walked out the door. I really do not want to go back, but if I don't, she'll be taken into custody and placed in a nursing home for good, which I know she cannot tolerate for long.
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This thread has been very helpful to me. I saw myself in so many of your responses.....the part of me that was going down a rabbit hole. Of course, at the time I didn't know how bad I was or how to find my way out of it.

Mom is now in Assisted Living, and I immediately set boundaries of what I would and would not do, what I would and would not accept. I truly believe that saved my life. Yes, I still get the guilt pangs, but not as often. We can't be everything for everyone. Goodness knows, we try though!

In my particular situation, I told the ALF to contact my sister who lives 5 miles away instead of me, who lives 45 miles away. It has been 9 months and sis just recently is acknowledging to me and others all I did for Mom the 6 years prior.

Boundaries. Yes, they are necessary for our own survival. I hope you find the strength to set them sooner than I did.
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ribbman
try not to feel guilty. You need a little respite. It sounds like you have given a lot over the past years Enjoy your time with your husband.
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Oh thank you! This group is helping out already. We are distancing ourselves from Mom for Thanksgiving this year, too. I am struggling with feeling guilty. My brother is sure to react to that negatively, even though he hasn't visited her in probably ten years himself.
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I know what you mean, Ribbman. Tomorrow is thanksgiving and for the first time in years I won't be going to wherever mom is living to miserably sit through dinner. It's a big step for me - huge actually considering my brother tried to pressure me into going there or taking her out. Mind you, he has not spent a thanksgiving with her in at least 10 years and this year is no different - He is an hour out of town at his vacation home with his family and friends. Hubby and I are taking her some flowers and plan a 15 minute visit - then onto our own life! Disentangle and desensitize, right?
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