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heres a short article you may find helpful
dementia-by-day.com/post/170533306210/sole-caregiver
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take the hospice recommendation seriously. i believe they require statement from doctor that the patient has 6 months to live, which sounds like this is your mom's situation. it doesn't matter if she lives longer, it's the diagnosis on paper that counts. Hospice caregivers and nurses are special people and you will benefit from their time and especially from their kindness. your needs are equally important as your mom's. be aware of the rules of hospice to make sure you are on board regarding medications... take a deep breath....
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Sorry to hear of your situation. You need to create a team and a back-up plan for your sake and your mom's. What if something happens where you can't provide the support your mom needs? So, the suggestions to line up and initiate various support services and get her financials in order for possible Medicaid or VA assistance are good ones. You need to take care of yourself if you are to take care of someone else, and unfortunately, you should do so with low expectations of your family. Also, don't tell them of these new forms of help that you set up; they'll just step back further. In the case of how much they need to know....less is better. In other words, your actions must be for the best of your mom and you so that you and your mom's situation is sustainable.
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Sadly enough, it is this way in most families that I have had an opportunity to see first hand who takes care of the parent and how the other siblings don't seem to have the tolerance for it. I'm an only child taking care of my mom and I can firsthand sympathize with you. If it were not for the Grace of God and His strength, I would not be able to do this. And this is my second time around. I took care of my mother's older sister who never married. I ended up finding a friend that my mom knows well and she takes care of my mom during the day as I work. And yes she is getting paid, but it well worth it so you can get away from it from time to time...
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In Southwest Ohio, my mom had to wait to get on Council on Aging's list for services. Through them, tallying up her resources, basically her house and social security, I get 48 hours a month with aides of my choosing ( Consumer Driven Care). Before that, aides from agencies were hit and miss and I only got 40 hours. Sometimes I am afraid they made a mistake and will take away these wonderful hours away from being a live in caretaker for my 91 year old mom (dementia, legally blind and just plain feeble). Executor sister is falling apart, can't deal; other sister had issues and took her own life on my mom's 90th birthday. Now mom is in hospice at home. also, get a monthly benefit from Veterans Aid and Attendant, if you are eligible for these benefits, try for them. I have my own small pension and moved in with mom over three years ago. It helps immensely.
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When Sis takes Mom for the weekend, leave a note prominently displayed resigning as POA and go back to your own life. They WILL take care of her. They just don't now because you are doing it.
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I'm sorry for your situation - I refused to allow mom to come live with us in my home (too many stairs for starters, it's a tri-level so everything is up or down)...I work from home, so having someone in the home either young children or seniors is prohibited - so my work situation would change; last but hardly least, my mother has severe dementia and is very, very, (underline very) Difficult to get along with. She has a great deal of paranoia (everyone is against her all the time)...little ability to rationalize or make decisions. She's in Adult Foster Care - and of course hates it immensely. She'd hate living in my house as well - as some of her habits (such as having to pee in a jar at night rather than walking a few steps to the bathroom) would be forbidden...just to name one...

It doesn't sound like you'd consider moving your mom into another home situation where she could be cared for...but perhaps down the road you might want to think about it. I was told the same thing when she was hospitalized 7 years ago - 'she may not live long'...well so much for that scenario. She may outlive me ... no one ever knows for sure. Do you you think is best - but you've been given some excellent advice here by other group members.
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I might add that when my own father had dementia, my brother the ATTORNEY was totally useless because he could not "deal with" the situation. Because I was living 8 hours away, I placed dementia-dad into assisted living and sold his home so there was money to pay for his care. (It was clear that he was no longer safe living alone.) It was the best thing I did for him, for myself, and for family dynamics. You might look into some type of care arrangement. Ignore the objections of your siblings.
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You are being "held hostage," emotionally speaking, by your siblings. Time to "assert yourself." As POA, you are not required to inform them about every little decision you make for mom. Do what is best for her and ignore them - since they are unreliable. Are there programs in your area to "help seniors stay in their homes?" It's possible they may be able to provide some respite care for you, supply transportation to appointments, etc., at low or now cost. Don't try to be a martyr.
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I cared for my Mom who was bedridden 24/7 for nearly 2 years in my home. I have no siblings. My husband worked full time but helped a bit when he could. From communicating with other care givers both on this site and friends I had going through the same or similar with a loved one, I learned that the big problem was always the siblings trying to control but not actually helping, and not having respite or help. When hospice came on board it was a huge relief though I still did most things myself. Hospice did offer a week long respite for my Mom in a nursing home that was paid for by medicare since I was the only care giver. I was planning the week off for Spring but my Mom passed away a month and a half before the respite. My advice is that since you have the POA already in your favor, if you can get a bit of outside help. Is your Mom on hospice? I know the first inclination is to look to family for help but I have learned that this does not always work so well. Sometimes a stranger can become a friend and give us some help. My hospice aides for Mom were a God send. Take things one day at a time and remember to take short breaks, even to just sit and watch birds or have coffee. The little breaks and things you do for yourself add up.
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I would agree with the advice from NES0001. Get help from non-family. Don't fill in your sisters on your plans for mom such as appointments, it only causes friction, does not resolve any of your stress. I am getting better at providing fewer details to my own sister, and it works well for me. Finding reliable help to hire can be hard, but don't give up. Let responsible people (nurses, doctors, therapists, pharmacists, attorneys, bankers, ministers, etc) know you are looking to hire truly reliable caregivers to care for your mom. And if her doctor concurs that it is time to place mom in a facility full-time, give yourself permission to pursue that but use an attorney to guide you through the financial details, especially if she will need Medicaid to subsidize that expense. If it is not time for mom to move into a care facility, check with local facilities to see which ones offer respite care to give yourself a break, and take advantage of that option! Best of luck to you.
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MountainMouse, I'm in a similar situation. 2 sisters who do less then yours do. Mom is much worse,I had to move back to deal with her and a house filled with junk. I drive 1and a half hours to work one way. It is an impossible situation. I want to leave in the worse way. We do however have POA over the situation. You need to talk to her doctor and see where she is with her dementia. Forget the sisters and what they want. (for now) they will not help you. If they haven't so far, things won't get better. Start getting the agencies involved. Each state has set aside monies to help the elderly. Get Mom on the list and get some help. There is day care possibilities also. Someone once suggested you view Mom as a neighbor.It does work. Take some of the emotion out of the picture.
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I am sorry for what you are going through and I agree with the other posters. Your mom needs homecare and possibly in home nursing. Our mom has alzheimers and our dad can barely walk from the chair to the bathroom. Our brother is their caretaker, lives with them, and runs a business. When our brother leaves for work, (and his schedule changes weekly) dad calls my sister and I and tells us it is our job to come over and take care of our mom, even though we are both married and live in our own homes. The calls can come in at any time, so we don't have peace of mind, knowing they are alone. Dad says he doesn't need an aid, he has his 3 kids to take turns taking care of them. Dad was never like this until the last year or so, and he panicks when him and mom are alone, which is understandable. Us 3 siblings agree our parents need a helper, and I feel our brother needs to be more assertive and just slowly bring someone in. My father chose our brother as his caregive r, and he is giving him the house after they passaway. It is our brother's responsibility to do this. I visit 2x a week and spend time with them. But I run my own home, and our brother is now running our parent's home. In our situation it is more a matter of an old fashioned Italian dad who insists his adult daughters who aren't even living with our parent's, are our mom's caretakers at dad's beck and call.
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See an eldercare attorney about getting her Medicaid ready for nursing home placement.  you can't keep her there by herself.
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You are POA. You do not have to consult anyone about any decisions that you make for your mom. You can schedule a steroid injection and take her, and DON'T tell your sisters. If finances permit, hire people to sit with mom so you can have a break. Do not count on your sisters to take care of anything. I have a brother-in-law who wanted to get his nose into my aunt's care and so I gave him a schedule. Needless to say, he cancelled and he has not been around since. It usually comes down to money. If you can, place her in a facility that is TRAINED mentally and physically to care for people in your Mom's condition. Loving someone cannot be equated with taking care of them when you are not equipped to do so. If you are not financially capable of placing her in a facility, contact your local council on aging and start the application process to get her assistance. You will be a much better caretaker when you handle what you are capable of handling and not everything. I placed my aunt in an assisted living facility and she has a new lease on life and so do I. No one wanted me to because they wanted the money........do not sell yourself short....you are doing a great job. NO ONE understands unless they have been a caregiver.....
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Thank you so much for your support! I'm still appalled and disgusted at my sister for trying to extort me to not take Mom to her doc appt. I just shake my head. I'd love to have a weekend off, but I'll be d@mned if I'll get one at Mom's expense to suffer and at Sister 1's demand. Sister 1 constantly talks that nothing's more important than Mom, but then says this!?

jeannegibbs: Succinctly, thanks for your kick in the rear! ;-) Oh, yes, I'm female. (Hmm, I have a cow moose photo I should swap out!) I'll mull your suggestions. Paying for help is tough as Mom's finances are okay, but a touch snug. But I'll see about where I can squeeze some money. I refuse to pay for Mom's care, food, or house maintenance--I can just afford my expenses and I'm here at extreme sacrifice. Plus, I will, no matter what flack I get from Sisters, take good care of Mom and her finances and her house. They reamed me (after they had wholeheartedly agreed about fencing in Mom's yard and replacing a hazardous back deck and its cost) when I told them the final cost. They blew off the fact that I dipped into my savings to pay for half of the fence because of my two dogs. And you're right that they are not dependable. (Sister 2 tries to help even though she's often horribly exhausted.)

talkey: Thank you!

97yroldmom: Yeah, I'm the POA for finances (and health). I've taken care of Mom's finances for about five years. I developed a monthly "statement" of everything about Mom's finances (including property taxes and insurance) and mailed it to them so they could see every penny. Since I've been here I still complete a monthly statement though no one sees it. I've told them any time they want to see it, I'll open it up.

I pay Niece from Mom's money. Niece has physical and mental issues. I've repeated things she needs to know and do. She's on so many medications she often sleeps through half of her time. When she's here, I'm watchful and reminding her of things to do (yeah, like reminding her she hasn't given Mom fluids to drink). I get what I need done around the house but watch. Only when I'm satisfied that everything is "set" for the day, then I go out. This is one of those situations where by all rights she ought to be fired (if she weren't my niece), but I'd end up on the receiving end of a rabid, snarling, fur-flying dog fight from Sisters. Frankly, I'm protecting myself by choosing to accept this. At least I can get SOME time to myself and I'll take it.
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Who pays your niece for sitting with your mom? As POA aren’t you controlling the finances?
If she works for you then maybe you need to revisit the terms of her employment.
Tell us more about how things are set up.
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I'm so sorry. Our family dynamics never were resolved, and Dad passed right after Christmas. I placed Dad in MC (memory care) 8 months prior to his death. I still hate that, but I don't see how I could have taken care of him. No easy answers when you care so very much about the person you're caring for. I had and have a supportive husband and two grown daughters nearby, along with grandchildren, and even a distant but very supportive DIL. If you're alone in this, I don't see how you can keep going. Much respect to you.
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Melt away, dear lady, and keep venting. (oh. are you a lady? I can't tell from the moose picture. Vent away in any case.)

Taking care of a person with dementia and other impairments is an extremely difficult and stressful job. Caring for someone who is likely to die soon is rewarding but very sad. But it seems that is not what might give you a meltdown. It is your sisters that are causing undue stress. So, if you really want to be with Mom for the rest of her journey, try solving the sister problem. (Easy for me to say. My sisters and I were a cooperative team!)

You have POA. Use your authority on your mother's behalf, starting this afernoon. You do not need your sisters' permission to make a medical appointment for your mother. That is your responsibility. And since you are the one with Mother most of the time, you not only have the authority you have observations and knowledge to make good decisions. Mother appointed you POA. She trusts you. Do what's right for her.

Being a live-in 24/7 caregiver is extremely difficult. In fact, I'd say it cannot be done successfully without adequate help and breaks. (Employment laws require this for paid live-in carers.) My advice is to hire help, with your mother's funds. I mean this sincerely. It can save your sanity. Don't rely on niece to vacuum. Hire a cleaning person. Do it! Hire in-home care for weekends. Hire someone to come in twice a week for 4 hours, so you can do errands and maybe even meet a friend for coffee. Or hire someone for 5 days a week! Reduce your workload, and get some breaks. Everyone told me that and I wish I'd acted on it sooner than I did.

Don't let sisters emotionally blackmail you. "If you don't do what I say, I'm not keeping my commitment to care for Mother this weekend." Don't depend on them, as they simply are not reliable. This is part of your duty to act in Mother's best interest.

My husband with dementia lived with me at home for 10 years, right through hospice care at the end. I managed to retain my sanity and disposition by having this kind of help:
1) weekly cleaning service, including laundering bed linens
2) person to distribute meds into daily/weekly pill boxes (hubby took MANY -- this was a great help to me)
3) bringing in restaurant or deli food often (not as expensive as hiring a cook!)
4) hiring someone for home maintenance tasks like shoveling, raking, cleaning gutters, etc.
5) using a volunteer service for someone to sit with my husband a few hours a week.
6) using an Adult Health Day Program two or three days a week
7) when hubby needed too much one-on-one for the day program, brought in a personal care attendant for 30 hours a week
8) when the time came, used hospice services

Other caregivers order groceries online and have them delivered.

In the ten years I only took one weekend off. If I had it to do over I'd try hard to do a few more of these.

If Mom's funds will not support this kind of paid help, post again about that, and people with experience will give you advice on that.
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