Anyone else out there losing friends?

I hate the word trigger. It is a victim word. I have no use for it in my vocabulary. Not sure what you are triggering in your younger friend.

I think your friend is tired of your situation and the friendship no longer nurtures her and has decided to move on. Unfortunately you have placed more value on your friendship than she has.

Sad to say, this happens a lot. It’s happened to me several times in my life. It’s depressing.

Speaking of friendship in general, here is my point ---

Fridends have limitations for certain task. As long as one accept this, the friendship may not be gone.

Personally, I did cut off talking to my long time friends about elder care at some point, as you mentioned, they don't have enough experience on this, but it's unnecessary to loss or hurt the friendship.

Yes I am only 63 and only have a sister for family. We do not talk much and are not really close. Since I was forced to quit my job 3 years ago to take care of my sick wife I found out who my true friend were. None.

This is a situation of neither of you understanding the other person’s position. It isn’t a right or wrong thing.

It’s hard for your friend because she wishes that you were free from your heartaches.

It’s hard for you because you need a shoulder to lean on occasionally.

Do you have any ‘in person’ support groups near you that you can attend? Can you get away at all? Do you have any outside help so that you can get away from mom and talk about anything other than your mom?

When I got away to have a break, the last thing I wanted to talk about was my mom. I needed a break from her and it’s exhausting for others, even if they care, to continually hear about our situation.

Give your friend some time. Things will most likely work out. I’m sorry that you are hurting. This truly isn’t anyone’s fault. It’s part of life. You and your friend are in different stages at the moment.

Best wishes to you.

Yes, some people do not "get" what it is like to truly do elder care. Your friend sounds like she has a bruised ego and did not want to be put in her place even though she is giving advice that is plainly not helpful. I would tell her I was disappointed by her response. Real friends want to help and make sure you don't "spiral downward" more. I'm not sure how invested she is. Maybe she just wants to keep things light and give trite advice.

p.s.

It's *THEIR* friends, not there.

Not really having to do with your exact circumstance but in the ballpark. I recently had two friends drop me. They both were caregivers for their wives as I am. They began first by suggesting I start looking into placing my wife in a care facility. Then they started telling me all of the benefits to me. Then started insisting I follow that advice. Now, they were also friends to each other. Both their wives died within a year of being placed in care homes. Crazy, but I can't help thinking that just maybe they wanted me to share their guilt.

I do not share with young people; I have learned, through past experiences, that people (in general) do not want older people to over share about their medical, emotional or age related problems. Perhaps it has a lot to do with lack of patience and empathy. So many put on facades of being cool and healthy in multitudes of "selfies" and that is what they expect of others. I also believe that stems from not having relationships outside of their own age range.

Joining a caregivers support group would be more appropriate to suit our needs for companionship.
https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/life-balance/info-2021/support-groups.html

Just my two cents.

I hope you don’t want to die. My goodness. A stroke and so much stress that your hands are shaking.

It is time for you to take care of yourself and to put distance between you and your mother. Since you have your mother’s POA, it is time she go to a facility where they can take care of her and you DO NOT HAVE to visit her.

You do not have to give up the POA. You need to put distance between yourself and your mother and concentrate on self-care and a therapist.

My DH is in a similar situation . His mother (89) has a mental disorder, delusions, hallucinations, the beginnings of dementia and is difficult. She is always angry and is brutally cruel. My DH told her 50 years ago that she would never live with him. Of course, she doesn’t remember. She first wanted to move in, but when she would not comply with the first rule to get rid of her dog, she lost the opportunity to the space she wanted at our place. She was angry. Through a complicated process she ended up in assisted living and is still there and unhappy. She receives no visits, doesn’t have a telephone to prevent crank 911 calls and attempts to make unauthorized purchases. She blames both of us for putting us in prison. She imprisoned herself. She can leave her apartment but refuses.

We finally we’re able to get a neurologist appointment, but it is in August. It is shocking, how long the wait is for such an appointment. Fortunately, the assisted living facility will take her to the appointment.

we only speak with the contacts at the facility. We do visit every so often (once a year or so) but it normally sets my MIL off. She has a desire to live in a cottage somewhere with her dog and someone to care for her like in “The Enchanted Cottage.” This would not address her need for medication, doctor visits, to be as unpleasant as possible to everyone, to spend her money down to nothing in 5 minutes and to live in a pig sty.

Distance is a balm & joy. It is the only way to concentrate on getting the help she needs and to care for our mental health.

Have you ever Had a psychiatrist ? I did for 23 years and he helped me with My Mom and brother Passing . Have you thought about Going to a support group for caregivers ? Alzheimers association Has One called The Savvy Caregiver it is a 6 week course and then you Join a support group with a social worker . You Can Contact The Alzheimers association in Brewster , Massachusetts . I did a course with Teepa Snow last Fall . Can you get a Therapist to to help you ? Your primacy care physician Can refer you to One . Sigrid Olsen Has a sharing Circle and Meditation Group all are Invited and Its free . She is a clothing designer . Woman Helping woman and Journaling . Joan Halifax at the UPAYA Zen center Has Ongoing Courses for Caregivers They are free or By Donation . She Just had Dr. Gabor Mate On Normal Is a Myth - he is a excellent Doctor . I am Taking a Course on February 12 about Life and Joy with Joan . Joan Is a doctor and Has written Books on Death and dying . I have been Looking for Online courses and groups . Meditation is very Important . Hiking and exercise . the focus needs to be on you and your mental and Physical health if you are going to survive .

Maybe they do understand elder care, and that it's not necessary for you to put yourself out like this for a person who's treated you poorly your whole life. Maybe tell mom you'll see her two days a week and that's all.

I hope you find ways of taking care of yourself. Your health and pursuit of meaningful activities should not be halted because of what you are doing for your mum. Sometimes people have a hard time understanding what you are doing and why.
I've been getting by through reading entries here. It helps give me perspective.
The truth is that I find lots of resonance with the stories of other people. AND. Nobody is in exactly my shoes. Or yours. Read through what is offered here. Take what makes sense, leave the rest, and do something good for yourself right this very minute!!

I've lost "friends" and I say good riddance. I've been doing this caregiving thing with my mother for 17 years - the last 5+ in my home - and I have zero tolerance for unsolicited advice or constructive criticism at this point.

I had one "friend" tell me to stop complaining. Another "friend" told me that I feel "sorry for myself". I walked away.

Miss EMA153, my M-O is non emotional analytical approach to everything. Like U, only child, am 51, mother and me can barely share air but am her court appointed guardian, she is in a nursing home 4.5 miles fr me for my ease of taking her things as needed. MY son 32, hasn't spoke to his grandmother in 12 yrs because she is the essence of chaos to your life. He lit told her in a letter once, he "doesn't understand why his dad stays in her life at all, but seems to have a soft spot he doesn't have nor understand for her." Very familiar to your situation w/your friend, further my son has told me to just walk away and let her have what she has earned for herself, going it alone. Not to be vindictive but so his dad is unburdened with the essence of chaos.
---Since Dec 10th 2021, the day she went into the NH, have had to create more & more safeties for myself, latest one was changing my phone number so she cant ever call again fr NH because she wouldn't stop abusing the privilege at my expense.
---Sounds like your doing the same things... Good 4U, keep watching what triggers U and put firewalls between those things and your moms ability to trigger em.
---The thing 4U to answer is WHY? Happen to be a trained soldier & Christian minister specializing in spiritual & psychological mess we all deal with, from normal to abnormal issues. Don't fit into mainstream American Christianity myself due to walking in and growing up in the bizarrer degrees of life on planet earth. Abuse, torture: physical, emotional & psychological, people who have not lived thru such or recognized it for what it is, never understand people who do and suffer the aftermath daily, knowing exactly why & who their tormentor is/was.
---Back to WHY? Do you do it out of duty... love... avoiding guilt if you didn't... etc,? For example, my mother enjoys me watching over her after a lifetime of not deserving it via her behavior, not because I love her as she is my mom, we all gen love our parents regardless, right. For me, I cannot love anyone without that encompassing 2 elements, PROTECTION & LOYALTY! Not because it's deserved, often its not, but its being true to myself, who I am at my core. Love someone and let them burn because they deserve it???? Not something I know how to do, nor do I wish to. I understand HATE, VENDETTAS/REVENGE, UNFORGIVENESS, BITTERNESS & RESENTMENT backward & forward. Understand a love/hate relationship with parents, hating what they do constantly while loving them all the while.
---Point: Understanding why you are in this, and then how to help others who care about your well-being understand why too, might go along way with the ones that matter most = one's that trust U, love U, are loyal friends/people. When we love people, their pain becomes our pain. Understanding the why might go along way toward their being willing to go the distance with you vrs end the relationship to end their pain, watching what your going thru. People feel dragged along ie forced or trapped when they don't understand. While having the open door to walk away right before them.
---Having said that: what U are dealing with is aweful, even horrific. U don't owe any1 any explanations in reality. But people are people and if you want them to be in your life, they have to understand why they are doing it that makes it worth taking that aweful, horrific ride with U till it ends and the relationship can cool down to life without your mother in it.

I learned to “make like a duck” and let comments roll off me. I just say thanks when I get advice.
I also learned to say things like “there’s good days and bad days like everything else” and change the subject.
I do my sharing and ventilating here where people understand.
The advice may or may not fit my exact circumstances, but no one is sitting in judgement and they speak from experience.

EMA153: It is imperative that you take care of yourself as you've suffered a stroke. Do take the advice of friends such as the one you described, else your health deteriorates further. Heed this advice.

How many hrs a day does she have aides? Every day? How many minutes from you to her? How is her physical health? Declining?
Now onto YOU: You are not superhuman...no offense. You can only do what you can manage. You have a significant other...and other "things" that require your attention + you "need" to incorporate self care: friends (time to add some new ones)..
Do you exercise? Make time for walks?! Talk to neighbors? Have kids or pets?
Please value your health! You are important & designed for other things outside of looking after Mom who is...challenged at this juncture...
I understand feeling guilty. I think healthy amount of guilt & ..then if your Mom made you feel you weren't-aren't giving her enough...this is probs reason you struggle to feel entitled to peace...
Been there.. Prayers for a better day tomorrow.. Release. <3

Back when I was still working I hired an assistant. She was about 20 years older than I was and had a very "bold" personality. After her first day on the job I was thinking OMG what did I do? Then we got to know each other and bonded over managing an elderly parent. She had it so much worse than I did. The expectation that she should give up her life to cater to her mother was terrible. She told me that I was the only person she could be completely honest with about caring for her mother and knew there would be no judgement on my part because I could understand what she was going through. That meant a lot to her and to me also because I had someone I could talk to about what I was going through. (There was another woman in the office that if she heard us complaining about a parent would pipe up "but it is your mmmooommm/dddaaadd!" as if that made it any better.)

A “true” friend will NEVER abandon you. A true friend will be there for you no matter how rough the circumstance is. This person was not a true friend to you. Just thank the Good Lord above that you got rid of your fake friend.

Today is my birthday. It’s just like any other day for the past 10 months. (perhaps a touch more weeping than normal) Same routine of diaper changes, giving medications, cooking/cleaning, managing bills & appointments, etc. No day off for me. I do get a few hours during the week to do my own chores when my hired caregiver is available. My brother & his family live very close by but they can’t be bothered to help & they view me as trash anyway. They didn’t even wish me a Merry Christmas.
My friends have all ghosted me slowly over the years. The first batch left while I did the caregiving for my dying mother. After she died I was forced into caregiving for my father. I was able to still work a real job, until he got sicker & weaker last year. That’s when the remaining friends departed. In a few cases I tried to confront them about it. I was told I’m “no fun to be around anymore” or “We don’t have much in common anymore” and my favorite “ Our paths have just gone separate ways”.
I’m only in my early 40s & never married or had children. It’s a mistake to think anyone in my demographic would understand my situation I guess. And perhaps mine is just the new norm for single adult women- alone, trapped, forgotten.

Yes, and I think it's absolutely normal. Sadly, caretaking can only be appreciated, understood, and respected by folks that have done it, or are doing it.

For some reason, individuals who've walked the walk (be it addiction or caretaking, in my case) seem to mostly be the only folks we (I) felt comfortable talking with. And they were my only lifelines, and I'll love them and be grateful to them until my last breath.

Part 2; It's All About Me: At the final end of my 30 year marriage I moved into my mom's house where I'd grown up, because I was an emotional wreck and needed time to let the dust settle. She was driving, playing weekly bridge, an avid reader and news watcher; within 2-3 years she was in steep decline.

I initially turned to each of my sisters (older and younger) for emotional and practical support, and neither were supportive [either couldn't or wouldn't]; both suggested that I should move out because 'mom was fine' but that I was '[incapable] of 'dealing' with the constant flurries of mini-strokes, UTIs, falls, countless 911 calls after midnight, because I was 'too fragile'. In fact, I was 100% on the ball and being heroic by modest standards; sisters were physically and emotionally absent from both mom and me.

Ironically, as I became involved with recovery groups, there were three other of 'us' living with an caretaking--all 40+ y/o men, who seem to be less critical and more patient with their moms than me, the daughter. [That may be a false assumption, I know!]

These folks, and THIS FORUM, kept me sane for 5+ years! Thank you all!!!