Anyone experienced an elderly parent talking about them to other people?

Welcome to the "my parents lie about me" club! And it's not even my parent!! I hate to say it - but just about the only thing you are going to be able to do is ignore it.

We've adopted the mantra, courtesy of Dr. Seuss. "Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind, don't matter!"

My FIL lies about us with just about every breath he takes. We have never done anything for him, we PUT him in the nursing home (untrue, we just FINALLY could no longer take care of a 300lb, 90 year-old, immobile man in his home any longer and he couldn't afford to hire 24/7 trained care), no one calls, no one visits, no one advocates for him,

We have literally been standing right in front of him when he has told someone all of these things on the phone. We just yelled hello to them!

And when he developed dementia it got even worse. We just started looking at people and just shrugging our shoulders. At his age the vast majority of people assume that he is losing his cognition and that he is mistaken. Most people who really know us don't believe him. And the few that choose to believe him- we have just written them off.

But it DOES hurt my DH and his sister - because what kind of father says those things about their own children? And to your point, he has been doing it their entire lives.

We just keep reminding them that it's a reflection of HIM and not them. That HE is the one that is broken - not them. That they have done nothing wrong, And that if people are judging them for something, that they are the ones that should consider the source. It doesn't change what is happening, but at the very least - remember that you didn't do what he is saying. and anyone who chooses to believe him doesn't know you very well.

I'm sorry, it’s really not funny, but I had to snicker a little bit when I read this. This is my mother‘s entertainment. She loves to complain about her children to each other. I don’t know how my other siblings react, but I don’t take her crap, so, I tell her that she’s wrong. She’s said things that hurt me to the core since I was a very little kid, so I don’t trust her as far as I can throw her. I talk to her in very shallow terms, never anything deep in anyway. She doesn’t even know how to have a normal conversation anyway. everything is all about her, and has been for as long as I’ve known her. If we tell her something nice, this happened to us, she’ll immediately say something off-the-wall negative. If you have, let’s say, a gullible family, it’s hard. Your parent is a jerk. Many people have parents who are jerks. It’s probably healthy just to be on this website and vent a bit every now and then. People here are mostly very supportive of each other.

My grandmother did this to my parents no matter how much they did for her. Her neighbors were so nasty to them because of what she said. My father was always afraid of his mother and never stood up to her. Once I caught him bad mouthing me. He wasn’t elderly at the time. Maybe around 70. I called him out on it and let him have it. I was not aware of him ever doing that again.

This is super common with the elderly. Many of the elderly parents of today said terrible things abiut their kids from the time they were kids. I know my mother did. The pitting one sibling against another is all to common too I am sad to say.

There's really not much you can do about it. I started calling my mother out in front of people from the time I was about 12. I will not allow lies to be told about me by anyone. People do this when they are looking for pity. When a person is seeking out pity they don't deserve any.

For years my mother talked about me to the women at bingo. There was an event at the church that did the game and I went to it. Two women who she sat with for years told me that I was nothing like what they expected. I told them I understood because I know the terrible things my mother says about me. They told her that she should not do that. I got a good laugh that day.

Let your father talk. If he goes too far don't do anything for him. Live up to the lies he tells.

I found out my mom was talking bad about me to caregivers & others. I can’t blame her though because she had dementia & my sibling would feed her lies about me,

It still hurts though.

Terrible. Some parents aren’t nice people. Of course it affects you. I would actually confront 1 of his friends and directly ask what he said about you. You have a right to defend yourself and set the record straight.

Parents talking about their children is incredibly common. It’s incredibly sad when a parent talks bad about one child to their siblings.

The information passed on is rarely accurate and it can take awhile before the truth comes out and hearts are healed.

It’s frustrating when parents stir the pot and involve other people. It can become uncomfortable and at times embarrassing for us. The only thing that truly matters is that you know the truth.

Actually, even though it hurts that untruths are told, it isn’t something that you have any control over.

Unless it’s an important matter, don’t even bother to defend yourself. Chances are more lies from your parent will come forth. Why waste your time and energy on this?

We have to find ways to be at peace from within. Never judge yourself according to what others think, feel or say about you.

Finding self awareness will bring peace into your life. When you reach a point where these things no longer bother you, you have worked through it.

My therapist once told me that we don’t get over something. We work through our difficulties to move past them.

Wishing you all the best.

My MIL has never said a nice thing about me, or to me, in the almost 50 years I have known her.

My DH refused to believe this. He'd always blame me for the discord and would ignore her comments as being 'jokey'.

It only took 42 years for me to grow up and tell her I was not going to sit and take it anymore. Walked out of her house and have not been back. Haven't spoken to her, and won't.

DH has been caring for her, in home, for many, many months. The only upside to this has been that she has begun bad talking me to him---basically, blaming everything that's wrong in HER life on me. That she was perfectly happy until I came in to the family--

He went a few months with her doing this every single time he had her care. Finally got to him and he blew up at her and ended up spending the night on the outdoor swing and refusing to talk to her.

It was bad, so bad he was truly and really upset. He finally told me all about it. I wasn't upset at all. I was truly so glad that HE finally knew I wasn't making up all the crap she'd tell the family.

Too little too late to mend any fences, but at least DH does take what she says about me with a HUGE grain of salt. A lot of the stories involved the kids & me and something I did to annoy HER with asking her for constant babysitting, etc. He talked to the kids and lo and behold, NONE of her 'stories' were real. Just convoluted memories colored to make me look bad.

The truth has risen to the surface, as it always does. I feel sad for the loss of any relationship with her, but at this stage? Just don't care.

Dh is still trying to get me to 'make nice' with her before she dies. Even tho he knows she is crazy and unable to even try to be nice, he is on me to make it be OK.

I miss my ex-SIL who got worse treatment that I did. Now it's just me.

Your father is a piece of crap. He treats you like crap so it should come as no surprise that he is talking crap about you to other people. Use that as fuel to keep his ass in that nursing home and stop helping him. Time to set more boundaries and keep them.

It is hurtful but don't hurt anymore! The fact is smart people, the people you want to associate with, will know that that behavior is wrong, regardless of what your father says is true or not. If the truth comes out and is different than what your father said then it also reflects badly on him. You should feel sorry for him!

I had Rude Aunt, age 88 when she became rude after a lifetime of being my good friend within the family. The first sign was when we were at a family birthday lunch when she blew up yelling at me in the restaurant after I asked her when she would like me to deliver some furniture that she'd said she wanted. She said she'd TOLD me that she didn't want it (she'd actually said that she did). I was flabbergasted.

Next thing shortly thereafter was when my dad, her brother, got sick and died. I was his POA and caregiver, household manager, kept the business running, etc. She insisted that if I fed him mashed potatoes it would cure his cancer and became rude when I didn't. He hated mashed potatoes and wouldn't eat them. She was angry when I used my POA to get into his safe deposit box on orders of his estate lawyer, who wanted it cleaned out before dad passed (we were looking for original copy of Will). She made taking care of dad a hell on earth with her interference and secret meetings with him to tell him things that weren't true, such as I stole his money and was trying to steal his car. She was mad because she wasn't executor of his Will, I was. She said she'd take me to court if I tried to declare him incompetent. He wasn't incompetent, and the thought had never occurred to me.

She had the original copy of the Will, as it turned out. She was afraid that Dad would change it and cut her out of it, but he never had any thought of that! She'd taken it to a lawyer to review - not my dad's lawyer, either. She later used that same lawyer to sue me twice over my administration of the estate. They were nuisance suits, cost the estate thousands of dollars to defend against, and the judge threw both out of court. She also told friends that dad had money (around the house I guess, who knows) and I must have taken it. There wasn't any. That I'd put mom in a third-rate nursing home (wrong, mom had in-home caregivers). She said dad was appearing to her in dreams and telling her not to let me get his money. And a lot of other ridiculous things, you get the gist. I lost longtime friends who believed her stories. She can cry and play victim very convincingly.

I believe in her case that there was a mental illness starting sometime before the blow-up in the restaurant. It was a marked change of behavior for her. She said around that time to others that she'd had brain studies done and there was nothing wrong, that her brain had no sign of deterioration. She has no spouse or kids or close friend who might know, so there was no one to ask if that was true. Question is, why did she have the brain studies if there's nothing wrong? I no longer have a relationship with Rude Aunt. Only one person in the family still does.

So when elders start talking about us and it's not true, my first thought is to suspect a mental issue. Their brains aren't what they were. Also, should it happen to me again, I won't deal with it. Drop like a hot potato. In Rude Aunt's case, I was understanding, kind, thoughtful, and never showed any anger toward her. I was hoping to maintain the relationship. Experience taught me, however, that it gets worse over time, so no more.

Going no contact can solve a lot of family issues.

I agree with Barb. I don't believe though that parents put you down because they are really proud of you. I never bragged about my girls. I had seen too many parents do this and then the child did something that made the parents have to eat their words. I told my girls they did well and I was proud of them. I never made negative statements or belittled them.

Your Dad is a narcissist. Belittling you made him feel good about himself. I am a giving person but don't tell me I am not doing enough because I will stop doing. Do not belittle me, because I will stop seeing you. I don't do criticism well.

You owe this man nothing. He was abusive to you and Mom even if it was verbal.

I don't think I sent you this link in the past, but its an EXCELLENT read and helped me identify traits in my mother and made me realize it wasn't ME who was crazy. Just HER crazy making tactics.

https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/

25 Signs of a Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist

Solid gold imo.

I cannot quite recall, but in some of your recent posts to us you told us you were entering therapy, or were already IN therapy, Faithful? Think I remember something about that anyway. I hope it's a good therapist, and one who can get you away from actually being so invested in what others think of you or about you. The judgement of others is truly meaningless in our lives.

I also know that you have been with us on Forum a while, and if you read other posts you cannot be unaware that what you are witnessing is so common.
We have SO MANY posts from those who overhear, after working hard, their loved one complaining about them to others; it is always hurtful. I think overall our elders don't even mean much by it. We ALWAYS are hardest on the ones closest, the ones we see the most, the ones we are most comfortable with. And your Dad seems always a seeker of sympathy. You mentioned in a recent post to us. So he is just rambling on and these rambles mean very little.

Once you are comfortable that, given your own human and individual limitations/boundaries, you are doing what you can, what you CHOOSE to do, you will let loose of listening to dad ramble on, and will let loose of the opinions/judgements of others. The day his complaints bring a smile to your face or a giggle out of you will be the day you know you have it BEAT.

Hope Thanksgiving was pleasant for you, and continuing to wish you the best.

All the time. Now it’s comical because, when she has no idea who I am (dementia) she complains to me about myself. Why is she is angry with me this time? Because I’m getting married in July 2024. My husband and I, and our children, are all curious to find out who I’m marrying. Prior to that she raged that I was trying to have her assassinated.

I was always too sensitive as well, always misunderstood her, and never did enough for her. I’ve never been good enough for her and, frankly, I’m much happier now that I’ve stopped trying.

Momma does this too me too. I am her primary caregiver. Bro is the golden child and sis is the black sheep of the family. I have confronted her about her behavior and she knows exactly what she is doing. She will gaslight me and tell me "I am too sensitive" Well I had enough one day and now my husband and I do not drive 5 hrs over there to see her as much and I don't talk to her on the phone that much either. Bro is secondary caregiver and I let him handle most of her medical unless something major happens. She doesn't do it as much now and when she starts I either get off the phone with her or will give it right back too her. I believe family and the rest of her friends know she is like this.

Yes , Yes, Yes common . Basically they are complaining about the changes that their age and failing health cause . Instead of complaining they are old or ill they blame the person who helps them but who can’t turn back time for them and make things the way they were. I ran into a friend of my mother at the grocery store , who told me I should pay more attention to my mother . I told the woman I was in the grocery store doing my mother’s shopping . Then the woman shut up .

My mother did this as well as criticized me to my face. I finally got fed up with the face to face berating I got and told her “ I didn’t make you old “.

I think the "too sensitive" remark is the standard reply of the bully. Also the narcissist.

"You're too sensitive" = "Your feelings don't mean squat to me. How I feel is the right way. And belittling YOU makes ME feel good."

He says you're not doing anything for him? I'd fulfill that. I'd stop doing ANYTHING for him. You'd be doing him a favor by saving him from becoming a liar.

Also note, folks who are mean to folks they feel are obligated to serve them (wives, children) are often quite charming to others. Another trait of the narcissist.

Woe is me routine even the littlest thing that is not done to their satisfaction can be a cause. Pity me, I am an old feeble person.

Very common with old people, nothing satisfies them.

Have you sat him down and confronted him? I did with my mother, told her that others were telling me and it is hurtful, she was good for a while then it started all over again.

I stopped talking to her 13 years ago, the happiest adult years of my life. Many reasons, not just this one, I was done.

I am sorry that he does not respect you or treat you better, he most likely will not change.

FB, have you read about personality disorders?

Have you read the Out of of FOG website?

Your father sounds like someone who exhibits the characteristics of someone who is mentally ill.

I've overheard my mom saying untrue/distorted things about me to other family on the phone. I suspect this is very common. The motive might be to represent oneself as more independent/"alone in the world," or just resentment towards a person on whom one is dependent. 

This wouldn't explain the childhood stuff, of course. You don't provide detail beyond "negative" (not that you needed to!) Sometimes people who are very proud of their children make mean jokes about them because 1) they're so confident about their children's wonderfulness that this seems harmless, and 2) they don't want to be like those people who brag about their children. Part of the reason people like the show Rosanne is that Rosanne talks sh!t about her kids. It's sort of refreshing. (But of course TV Rosanne adores her TV children.)

Another thought: the victim role is perhaps more attractive in recent years than it was in previous eras. My mother's 24-hour news channel has a seemingly endless stream of strong young men talking about how they've been censored/silenced/etc. 

In any case, consider that your father may get more visits from friends and other family if he represents you as neglectful. Are these people very important to you? Are they part of your own circle of social support? If not, you might let this go. The little lies may garner him more visits, which would be good for both you and your father.  (But with close family I'd privately set the record straight.)