Are these early signs of dementia, of nothing, or of something else?

Katie, you are right to be concerned. If his behavior has changed then something is definitely going on. Several years ago, my hubby started with some of same changes you describe. We did go to drs - was told depression, then from traumatic brain injury as a teen - had MRI and lots of testing, so for probably 2 years symptoms got worse. We moved last year and I got him in with neurologist that specializes in memory issues. He has another MRI and cognitive testing. He was diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia.
please get your husband in with good neurologist quickly to see what’s going on. Prayers for you both. I’ve done a lot of crying and praying, believe me!!

I can understand your fear and frustration, and your hurt. Take those written notes and your husband and go see a doctor. As you're both in your 50s it's too early to see a geriatrician, so start with your GP.
If necessary, go see or speak with the GP on your own and talk about what is happening. Those three examples are enough to see that something is not quite right. Avoiding 'whatever it might be' is not going to make it better. Let's hope there's a good explanation and some sort of treatment and get that doctor's appointment asap!

Dear KatieWorry,
I believe I can share some good advice with you on this subject. A little on how I came upon these opinions. One of my favorite hobbies was public speaking. I watched my maternal uncle who was a Catholic Priest die of ALZ in his late 70's, I have always been a spitting image of him. My Stepfather slowly died of ALZ in his late 80's. I watched them bot deny-deny-deny, that they had memory issues. When I was 35 I began volunteering to do public speaking for a fraternal organization I am a member of.
When I first began my public speaking roles, I easliy soaked up the parts in to my memory. Public Speaking was a gift to me and over the years,, I learned more and more parts and I had a ball traveling around the state in which I live and Ii was mentored along the way by some of the best performers in our organization. Now, go forward 17 years and one of my parts changed and I could not learn the new script, this was in 2011
. I approached one of my doctors about the problem and he asked was I usiing my CPAP everynight. I never slept without it during the 16 yrs I was using it. I was also told it probably had something to do with all of the responsibility of managing the life of a Special Needs child which came in to the live of my DW and I when I was 48. I spoke to a couple of more doctors and they attributed my problem to all the same issues. Go forward 5 years after 38 yrs of my career, i was fired from my job in February of 2016. Finally, my Neuro doctor said, Wow, we've got to dig deep on this and she prescribed an MRI and a Neuro-Psych Eval. Four months after the MRI, we had the Neuro-Psych results which indicated a diagnosis of Early Onset ALZ one month before my 57th birthday, that was four years ago. Test results showed I was in the lowest 1% of all men my age in terms of the test results.
I can't tell you how relieved I was when I received the diagnosis. I started doing a lot of reseach and reading on Aging Care. A bit of advice I discovered was OK, I am never going to be cured from this disease and I retained an attorney to help me through the process of Social Security Disability. I was told by my doctor, I would not be being fair to an employer or my customers if I tried to continue working. The lawyer I retained worked for SSI as an Attorney for many years and retired in to his own law practice to help people be approved for SS Disability. I received my first check 52 days after the paperwork was filed.
I have made it my mission to share as much of my journey as possible here on Aging Care. I encourage any family members or readers of Aging Care to not be afraid and push your doctors to investigate any memory issues your think you might have.
Now, it has been 9 years since I first noticed I was having memory loss. My Neuro doctor tells me, I am the first patient that ever gave up their Drivers License Voluntarily without being told they should hang up the keys. I have had the same Neuro Dr. for 15 years and I brought up the subject of driving when I was first diagnosed. Every appointment we had over the last 4 years, she did a thorough exam and she said she was comfortable with me continuing to drive. Nothing untoward happened, no tickets, no accidents. I just felt uncomfortable driving and hung up the keys. Yes, it has added more to the load my DW has to carry, but she supports me and is accepting of the new role in our lives for both of us. We've been together for 26 years dating and married 24 of those years. We've never had an argument in all these years. I accept when I'm told I've forgotten something. I have been blessed with the most wonderful wife, and with our three children two of whom are adults, one a teenager.
I encourage spouses, children and those that think something may be wrong with your memory to stand up for yourself. We must be our own best advocates. I have made my instructions clear orally and legally to my family and doctors.
Good Luck.

Sounds like either early dementia or gaslighting - only you know which is possible and which is impossible according to your history together. I would suspect early dementia, your best course if your get it is to get referred to a memory team who are used to looking for symptoms not obvious to others, and who can arrange a scan to check for any changes. Good luck.

Before I even gave it a thought my husband could have dementia, suddenly our marriage to loving, kind, wonderful, to argumentative, never satisfied with what I cooked or did, I was at a point I wanted to leave. I started to think what would I do alone, I never lived alone, ever except when he was in Vietnam. I started thinking of getting my own car, find an apartment, where should I go, etc.
BUT, I JUST SAT DOWN AND TRIED TO FIGURE OUT--what should I do??? I cried, he cried, can't take it any more, on and on, every few days or weeks.

THEN it hit me--For Better or Worse. I suddenly realized, see a doctor. I made a list of things he does, I took this list to his regular 3 month checkup and doctor referred him to a neurologist . Tests, revealed nothing, slight vascular area, but good. Then as a year or so went on, still arguing but not as much, I changed his doctors and did the same thing, list of actions. Now, brain scans, and yes dementia causing these outbursts. From then he was a pussycat, and had low dose medication. Also, as others in this forum said, have him tested for UTI, as this can cause the behavior you describe. Hope this helps.

I agree with those that say it is time to take these questions and concerns to a doctor. They will probably suggest a neurologist to do further tests. Dementia, I sadly now understand, has many different symptoms. My grandmother was positive people were coming into her apartment stealing things (they weren't of course, but she was putting things in different places, then forgetting about it). My Mom has no short term memory, is argumentative, sure we are all against her plotting her demise. The before dementia her was a fun loving and happy person. If there is a history in his family, it can only benefit getting an early diagnosis and the help that goes with it. Good luck.

Just because it looks like the ducks most of us are dealing with here doesn’t necessarily mean it’s our duck and whatever the issue in my experience it’s going to be far easier to get DH (dear hubby) cooperation if you aren’t approaching it as the almighty dementia I’m sure he fears. I was diagnosed with Lyme in my 40’s, though based on my tests and symptoms according to the experts I had probably had it for a minimum of 10 years. My sense of time was and still is to a degree very bad but also very real to me. However more to the point I had been having episodes of flying off the handle, I mean extreme reaction to minor things at times. I can even remember being in the midst of one of these “fights” that I would pick with my DH and thinking to myself why am I overreacting so much but I still couldn’t control it, it was scary sometimes but whatever the subject was it was so real to me and I truly felt right in my view or wronged as the case might be so even after coming down from the emotional rage I didn’t apologize. Later after finally getting to a knowledgeable doctor and some treatment my DH and I were meeting with the specialist who asked if I had any episodes like this, do I fly off the handle? My husband and I looked at each other, I had never even thought to associate these fights to Lyme but without either of us even mentioning these the doctor was describing my behavior exactly, Lyme Rage he said and very common with this disease. Knowing where it came from and that I had no real control over it helped us both so much! I wasn’t afraid of myself anymore and he didn’t take it as personally or fight back which Had just added fuel to my fire.

Im not suggesting your husband has Lyme (though you never know) but I am suggesting that there is every possibility that something is going on other than dementia, something that can be treated and needs to be treated before it creates havoc elsewhere. It’s very easy for all of us, doctors as well to get tunnel vision when it comes to medical symptoms because it’s natural to see what you know. Your DH like you may have a heightened awareness of dementia and live in fear of it based on his family history or his perceived family history and denial is a powerful coping tool so finding ways that feel less threatening to explore any possible medical issues might be the way to make that happen. I wouldn’t focus on his outbursts or his apparent attempts to “gaslight” you, I wouldn’t even mention his possible cognitive issues if you can help it but maybe getting his primary to recommend a neuropsych eval simply to get a baseline or so DH can “prove” his memory is fine if it comes to that. By life insurance to create the need for a full physical if need be or get someone, your child maybe, to ask if you have BOTH had physicals recently and urge you to do so, not because something is wrong but because they have a friend who’s parent just dropped dead of something that could have been prevented if caught early enough...be inventive about it and put your money where your mouth is so to speak by getting the full gammet yourself.

I also urge you to step back when he comes up with these things and try not to react to it as the personal attack it feels like, whatever is going on it’s more likely that he really believes what he is saying/thinking and is incapable at that moment of being convinced otherwise so don’t escalate both of you by trying. Granted I don’t always trust my memory but there are times my DH will suggest “someone”, meaning me, moved or lost something and I just agree (especially when it sounds stupid) and laugh “must have been me, I have no idea what I did with it” sometimes with a hint of sarcasm “your right it makes much more sense that I added a rotten potato to the bunch than one of them rotted on their own, sorry”. Wind out of his sails and a giggle for you.

Maybe it’s dementia and maybe it isn’t but all is not lost, there are proactive actions and reactions to help. withU

I really sympathize with you in not having a family doctor. Do you have any adult children in your city that might be able to get him an appointment with their doctor. Or what about any other family or close friends that may be able to speak to their physician who could arrange some tests for your husband. The quicker he can get a diagnose the quicker he can get on some meds to slow the process if it is early dementia. Good luck and please keep us posted.

Hello, you sound organized and willing to do what's next, the documenting of time and place of incidents, which is what I did because Spouse's outbursts of paranoia shook me up each time. After leaving a note for his PCP from the VA with these, I saw years later that there is no formal diagnosis of dementia. What the PCP did was assign a caregiver 3x weekly for 3 hrs, each time, and that helped tremendously. Spouse's hand tremors have increased since a sick spell beginning last March and there's no formal diagnosis of palsy or Parkinson's or whatever else it is, either, on his official printout of diagnoses going back 20 years.

I play the hand I'm dealt as follows:

We want to defend our honor by saying, "I did not do X," and that's the most difficult issue to scale back for me. A list of noncommittal answers helps: "How about that?" "Who would have guessed?" "Huh, no kidding." etc. and then I go Gray Rock. Please look up this invaluable method of coping.

It's going to take everything you've got to handle this, and many good wishes to you. One last thing is that I'm 67 and I was quicker on the trigger in my 50s. Coping has become easier but it's far from easy. If abuse escalates to physical, then all bets are off and get the law in on things. This answer is for your POV only and not medical reasons for his change in behavior; others know more about that than I do,

Since these episodes have led to arguments, it might be difficult to convince him to get medical evaluation for something he does not admit to. It must be time for a physical though. For both of you is the tactic to use to get him in to the doctor. Could you then call the doctor ahead of time and ask that they be aware of your husband's irrational behavior? Perhaps next time it occurs, try really really hard to not protect your own truth. If he believes what he's saying is true, there is no way to convince him it is not. You may need advice on how to do this, which is described by some of the links posted for dementia cases. He may not have dementia, but I think the strategies may work until you can get him to a doctor and find out what's going on.

Katie,
These are also signs that due to Covid, people have been locked up together at home for far too long. imo.

The rotten potatoes, the cell phone, the lactose intolerance---,
someone must have been reading my story. A bot maybe.

Some details are different, but my husband has had significant similarities, and it is hard to understand or deal with it.

That is why Lymie's advice was invaluable to me. I have to go in the other room before I 'fly off the handle'. It hurts so much to have him falsely accuse me, to doubt my support of him.

Cell phone:
He bought an android cell phone 3 years ago, unlocked. Has never used it, hoarded it while I went without. Where did he get $300, he says I knew about it. I did not. It is too old now, a '5'.

And Pronker! I am going to need to try these techniques you offered:
"We want to defend our honor by saying, "I did not do X," and that's the most difficult issue to scale back for me. A list of noncommittal answers helps: "How about that?" "Who would have guessed?" "Huh, no kidding." etc. and then I go Gray Rock. Please look up this invaluable method of coping."

Known each other for twenty years - how long have you actually been living together as a couple?

I'm not being (just!) nosey; what you describe could be a layer of personality emerging, or it could be something new and sinister - or it could be something new and eminently treatable, of course, let's not get ahead of ourselves.

You say he's never been good with time. Are there any other related quirks that you've always known about?

Don't think of it as lying, don't think of these as accusations. They are distortions in his recollection, they may irritate him which leads him to pick on you as the (wrong) source of the irritation.

What did the argument about the cell phone that you never look up from 🙄 begin by being about?

I am so sorry to read about your situation with your husband. I tell you that from the stories you talked about that he is definitely experiencing some kind of mental decline be it dementia, Alzheimer’s or something else.

I was devastatingly hurt by my mother for whom I was the primary caregiver a couple of years ago. She accused me of all kinds of things that she said that I said and did. Then she told my three (3) younger siblings who were basically estranged from her stories and they hired lawyers against me. It’s been an absolutely horrible last five (5) years because of what they did to me.
I would recommend that you have him tested for dementia and Alzheimer’s as well as tumors in the brain as soon as possible provided he cooperates. (My mother refused to have any testing done and was a narcissist which really multiplied the problem.). Best of luck to you and try not to be hard on yourself because it isn’t you where the problem exists.

Imho, perhaps he should visit his physician. Prayers sent.

Weelll funny you post this b/c this is how my H first presented with Vascular dementia in 2016. He is in about stage 6, now, he cannot be left alone.
i knew there was something wrong when h misunderstood and misconstrued visits and conversations with me and others. I believe This is the emotion part of VaD. He NEVER misunderstood anything to the good or positive, it was always negative misunderstandings, you can’t argue with them b/c this is how dementia works.
I was never able to make him understand Th is was abnormal and not like him. Then a year later he would cry or laugh inappropriately. Then he could not find words to express himself.
I guess you need to be able convince him he is not acting like himself and get a neurologist eval. I’m so sorry.

BarbBrooklyn's post was spot on ~ Confabulation. Thank you, Barb.

If this behavior is new to your husband, it is time for a thorough medical workup. Lots of things can start to happen when you are fifty and many of these conditions can cause what you are seeing. Sleep apnea or diabetes can make a person irritable. Vitamin deficiencies can make a person forgetful. Even cardiac problems can do that, particularly if his oxygenation is lower. Some people, as they age, require a pacemaker. Some psychological disorders can kick in later in life, say from habitual marijuana smoking earlier in life, oddly enough. Stress can also be at the root. Is there anything stressful in his life right now? Is everything good at work? Is it keeping him from getting enough sleep? Did he sustain a head injury or was he sick recently? It's time to address his behavior in a holistic manner because you don't really know the cause and do want to get the answer. Time to investigate.

Elaine,

I know.. It's not about those things.. Something will always come up,... If it isn't one thing, ie. potato, it's another.
gotta point a finger some where, right?
lynina2 is is p;onting in the right direction..

I actually tricked my mom into going to the doctor.  It was in the Fall and I said well mom Christmas is coming up and we all have too much stuff, so I vote that we give each other the gift of health.  Let's all go have age appropriate doctor checkups as a gift to ourselves.  If we have our health and each other, we don't need anything else.  She thought that was a great idea.  I found a healthy brain center at one of the local hospitals and scheduled her for a mental screening.  She was worse than we thought...failed a simulated driving test (she was still driving at the time) and the testing indicated she was past the early stages already.  It was really shocking.  We are all on auto pilot with our daily lives and it can go un-noticed for quite a while.  If you take them out of their daily routine and start asking them questions, you might be surprised what is going on.

I am sure you can come up with a "good reason" for you both to go to the doctor so that he can be evaluated.

Take care.

First of all, ignore the more obvious posting like those from MayDay - many of these people either don't fully read or comprehend what the problem is. There are even some on the forum who just post some bizarre things!

Many have suggested this is dementia. Giving a name to the symptoms (confabulation) is fine, but what is needed is to know what the cause underlying this confabulation is. Clearly there IS something, but we would all be remiss in not directing you to get medical help.

We can guess, give examples and confirm all we want, but there are MANY conditions which can mimic the symptoms of dementia. What you should aim for is a THOROUGH exam, which may include referrals to specialists, to rule out any other cause before assuming dementia.

One time on my way to work, I called my mother. She was in a very confused and unhappy state, so I stopped there first. We ended up at the ER and then admitted, as her potassium (and likely other) levels were too low. In her case, she was drinking too MANY fluids. Once restored, she returned to her usual nasty self!

I understand you currently don't have a doctor and have limited choices. Perhaps you could start with your insurance company - often they have listing of those who honor your plan AND are accepting new patients. Document all these issues so that you can present them to the doctor. He may resist going, insisting he is healthy and doesn't need to go. Try to work around that, perhaps by saying the insurance requires a recent checkup. Make appt for yourself as well, so you can "support" the claim that everyone needs to do this.

This link has a brief overview of confabulation, lists SOME potential causes and has suggestions for how to respond to the "stories" or beliefs of those who are beleaguered by them.

https://www.verywellhealth.com/responding-to-confabulation-in-dementia-97969

This link is just FYI.

A thorough exam, including bloodwork AND urine test (UTIs can cause so many bizarre symptoms in people!) If all seems to be in order, the doctor should include tests like MRIs and potential follow up with specialists. Not all doctors are worth the paper their degrees are printed on - if you don't feel comfortable with the one you see, find another! If the doctor dismisses your concerns, find another! Even if you have to go some distance to find the right doc, do it.

While I certainly wouldn't assume he has any form of dementia, it is a possibility. Getting to the bottom of his odd behavior is important (not all types of dementia are hereditary. None of mom's or dad's siblings had dementia. I know of no one in extended family who had any form of dementia. She is the only one left now of her generation and developed this when over 90, so most likely her case is vascular, because she has high BP (has taken meds for YEARS!) IF they can get to the bottom of his odd behavior, it will at the very least be a little relief, but make sure you learn all you can about whatever the cause is, esp if they don't provide any info or point you to where to get assistance.

Hoping for both of you that this is NOT dementia and might be something that is fully treatable! Meanwhile, go with the flow when he makes these outrageous statements. Stay as calm as you can. It isn't worth fighting about it and it won't help at all!