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argenon, I disagree with the article. We do have an obligation to look after our elderly parents. That doesn't mean we need to bring them into our home and have our own lives turned upside down. Place them in a NH or assisted living place. If we don't care for our elderly parent, what will happen? Will they die a lonely death only to be found by somebody months later? Do we wash our hands of it just let the state take over because we don't feel any sort of obligation?

If family can't or won't care for them, then at least find a place that will. Caregiving isn't always living with them 24/7. It's finding a solution that will make their final days safe and relatively comfortable.

But, as human beings we are obligated to care for the vulnerable. If we saw an elderly person on the street in obvious distress, I think most would attempt to help in some way.
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donnacecilia, you made an excellent point about how some parents who were raised during the Great Depression find it hard spend money. They also taught me to be fugal, and I am glad for that. But if there is something I really need, and I know I have the funds to repair/replace, I will do it.

I told Dad [92] to think about what would happen if something happens to him, and to me, and Mom [96] is left all alone by herself in that big house. Who is going to come to her aid? He needs to try to convince Mom to move to a retirement community while she is still mobile. Otherwise, will it take the mailman noticing mail is piling up in their mailbox to call the police?
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Argenon I agree, except that unless there are very good reasons why you can't I'd say it's for us, as competent adults, to secure our own safe places where we'll be treated well. Look ahead!
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Right before my father passed away I was pondering this very question. I ran across an article by complete chance that explained that we don't owe it to our parents to be their elderly caregivers. It made complete sense to me and it still does. It was all settled in my mind that I had a choice. I still do. I feel relieved to know that I'm my mothers caregiver because I want to be. I'm not paying some debt off or doing what other people expect. I do it because I want to. I don't know where the idea came from that loving children take care of their elderly parents themselves, but it's wrong. We can love our parents deeply and let others who are more qualified and have the time take care of them. As a mother I would not want my children to alter their lives and become my caregiver. All I ask is that they secure a safe place where I'll be treated well and for them to take to time to come by and visit from time to time.
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Well freqflyer, I wouldn't call your parents selfish. They sound like they belong to the same era my parents did...the dirty 30s. Every penny had to be held close to the chest. Even after the great depression, they believed they shouldn't spend the money on themselves. They were scared they'd lose it again, plus believed their children should be left a nice nest egg after they're gone.

It's difficult being an only child with nobody to pass the baton to. I feel for your situation.
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donnacecilia, in my case it is my parents who are selfish, they don't want to spend one cent from their huge estate to make their own life better.... they want me to inherit the estate, great if I live to see it.

I am so stressed out I am exhausted from worry about my parents living in their single family house, with all those stairs. The house is no longer elder friendly. They could very easily move into a fantastic retirement community and purchase a large condo with the same amount of square footage as they have now... without me worrying about Dad trying to shovel instead of hiring someone.... or Dad climbing up ladders to clean the gutters, against refusing to hire someone ... or hand washing dishes because the dishwasher stopped working 3 years ago.

When I grocery shop for my parents I am always worried that Mom will complain about something I got, and sure enough she does, it's in a nice way but it still feels like I did something wrong. Sorry I have no control over the grocery prices or product quality. And here I thought I was helping out... [sigh]

I honest believe my parents will outlive me. And being an only child, there is no back-up child to take my place.
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No, I don't think everyone is made to be a caregiver, or can be for many reasons. I had stated that already. And I know some have horribly cruel and neglectful parents. Those are not the ones I have a concern with.

I'm speaking of selfish people who resent the idea of having to care for sick parents, when they have the means to do so. I'm talking about the selfish people who are upset that money has to be spent on parents and that will cause their inheritance to suffer. Or are upset the parents have the nerve to save money for their own future possibility of having to live in a NH.

One day I was speaking with Mom's investment advisor. I have POA, so we had a meeting about what she has. He told me I would be shocked at how many children who are caring for a parent want the ability to change the parent's will so they can have a larger slice. Many figured since they are the caregiver, they deserve most of the money after the parent passes away.

It is attitudes like that I find unsettling. I am seeing more and more children of parents who need their help who aren't willing to do anything. In such cases, I would rather they send their parent(s) to a NH.

I'm in Canada, not the UK. When I say 'ward', I'm referring to a floor in a medical or care building that cares for one type of illness. For instance, a cancer ward would be a floor in a hospital that treats only cancer. There are many separate rooms with patients, but the whole floor is referred to as a ward.
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same as above... very dysfunctional family... after having my mother here I can say it's even more (if possible) destroyed any semblance of a mother/daughter 'relationship'... She pits me against my other siblings AND treats here daughter-in-laws better than the daughter who has given her everything to ensure her safety and welfare.... now, it has almost driven me into the grave (literally)...
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126Cher, same here being an only child with my significant other being very important to me since my immediate family is just my parents and him. My s/o also has serious health issues and my parents rarely ask how he is doing.... they think if he is bringing in their groceries to their house than he's doing great... they don't see him at home resting because he's so tired.

Thank goodness my parents don't live with me, yet.... don't get me wrong, I love my parents.... but I was an overprotected child and it took years to gain my independents.... if they move in, I once again become a *child*. My parents are in denial that I am a senior citizen myself... even showing them my AARP and Medicare card doesn't help.... [sigh]

Cher, I am hoping your hubby has smooth sailing with his chemo treatments. Having cancer is one of the most terrifying things imaginable... I had it and am in remission. After 4 years I finally find my new *normal* life.... I just hope my parents don't throw a wrench into it.
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I mean May 22, 2014 not May 22 2013--- sorry not getting much sleep.
and June 3, 2014
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I am an only child. My parents are 88 and 89 years old. My husband and I have been caring for them since 2012. Each having one illness after another. They complain about everything. Mom keeps telling me about all the nice clothes I had when I was young and all the things that she and Dad have done for me. They are saying that I owe them. I have given up salary for them and everything else. I finally got angry and said that I did not ask to be born. I don't mind doing it but what I mind is them being so nasty. NASTY is what gets to me. I am sure that I had the best dipers money could buy. So NO you should not be expected to take care of them but it should be done out of love. They both have dementia so this is becoming very hard. Plus my husband just started Chemo treatments June 3rd for pancreatic cancer stage 4 diagnosed May 22, 2013. My parents have not even asked how he is. There is only so much you can take from your parents. Answer is NO
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Sorry, got posted prematurely.

She doesn't have dementia as far as I know, but she might as well have. She'd just love me to move in so she can resume domestic tyranny. Nearly absolute power, always right, no learning or effort required, entitled to say or do anything she likes. Family relationships have changed a lot, but that means nothing to her and she is addicted to domestic tyranny like some people are addicted to alcohol. It seems to have been a sort of bargain between men and women. She could be a domestic tyrant as long as she left the external world to him and didn't work, have her own money, drive or deal with technology. My mom is totally incompetent in dealing with the world outside her home and a complete tyrant in it. In her old age, she just wants to continue her accustomed style of life and can't see how dysfunctional and destructive it is.
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The standards for childcare after the War were extraordinarily low. Adults were right by definition, no matter who the adult. I had an alcoholic history teacher who'd drink in class occasionally. The kids knew it but no one mentioned it to a parent as they wouldn't be believed anyway. He also left out World War II even though it was on the curriculum; I suppose he was more sympathetic to the Germans than was allowed by then. None of us kids mentioned that either, though it left us unable to answer a major question on the external exam. I thought General Rommel was on our side for decades.

Child sexual predators had a field day. We are only now finding out about Jimmy Savile because no one would have believed his child victims at the time. Sex was a taboo subject. There was no information about sex but plenty of adults after young girls who were held responsible for whatever happened. I was scared rigid of the whole thing without understanding what I was scared of. I only found out later that girls who were declared promiscuous could be put into reform school. There was one case of a girl sent to a juvenile prison because she had a Chinese boyfriend, who she later married.

I can remember being anxious all the time, but to my mother these were the good old days. She had nearly absolute power over me and enjoyed it. She has never really moved past those good old days emotionally and doesn't understand how much has changed. She watches oldie TV and hardly anything she watches is past 1980. We watched a 50-year-old Carol Burnett special and she thought it was contemporary. She doesn
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donnacecilia, don't forget, not everyone is able to be a caregiver, no different than not everyone can be a brain surgeon, a teacher, a farmer, a pilot, a police officer, etc.

Don't forget, 30% of all caregivers die leaving behind those they are caring for... that is a HUGE number. Some of us can handle the stress, some of us cannot. Such stress can bring on serious illnesses such as cancer,

We have parents living into their 90's and 100's.... oh my gosh.... does that mean a 82 year old should be caring full time for her 102 year old parents? Who is caring for that 82 year old? Her 62 year old child? Who is now caring for all 3?
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Parents are legally required to care for their children or face charges of abuse or neglect. More parents do it willingly and joyously. My mother was one of those, although when I came along, I was a complete surprise, since at 42, most of her friends had grandchildren by then, and she had been told many years before that she'd never be able to get pregnant.

Mom was happy about my unexpected arrival but my father was not. In fact, he kept a notebook in which he recorded all the expenses that I incurred, starting with the cost of my delivery, right up through college. He never presented me with a bill, like Bernard Cooper's father did, in Cooper's memoir, "The Bill From My Father," but he made it clear that children were expensive and inconvenient.

I took care of my mother when she was dying from cancer. My father refused to let me arrange for a housekeeper or a nurse when he got dementia, so I put him in a nursing home: a very good one.

Long story short, you get what you give. Nobody should be guilted into caring for a parent simply because their parent fed and clothed them when they were young. If there's no love there, the old person is better off in a nursing home when they can't live alone any longer.
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DonnaCecilia are you in the UK? A lot of people here are in the USA and I'm in Canada. You also mention a "ward" and I understand that's how it is in the UK. My mother is in a lovely NH with private room and bath and fantastic caring staff. I guess what help or care you can find depends on where you are.
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DonnaCecilia, professional caregivers who suffer from burnout have often been treated extremely badly by their employers - be it profit-driven companies and agencies or private families who are trying to buy care on the cheap and then have the gall to despise the person they hire.

Consider this: work that has traditionally been part of an extended family dynamic, such as cleaning, childcare, catering and nowadays increasingly elder care, is half expected to be done for love, and half expected to be done for money. We - we as in society - demand that people are motivated by a vocation, pay them very badly, belittle their aspirations and are then surprised and aggrieved that they don't love their underpaid, overworked, spat-upon position. We - again, we as in society - need to sort out our attitude and expectations. But I'm not holding my breath on that one.

How a nursing home or other facility treats its staff is, by the way, one of the most important points you can look at when and if you come to choose a place for your elder. If the staff are treated with respect - offered secure employment, professional training, better than minimum wage and emotional support, for example - they are more likely to mirror that attitude when it comes to the people they care for. What goes around…

I do understand how you feel shocked by some attitudes one reads about. They describe a very sad situation. But I think something you're perhaps overlooking is why, sometimes, children might feel as they do.

Oscar Wilde (by the way, although he was gay, he was also a loving husband and a father of two sons - don't believe everything you read!) said: "Children begin by loving their parents. After a time, they judge them. Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them."

Well, he was being light-hearted. But the more you read on this forum, the more you begin to realise that there are most certainly some parents who don't deserve to be forgiven. And if those are the same ones whose children have "shocking" attitudes it does begin to seem more like they've reaped what they sowed, doesn't it?
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But professional caregivers so suffer from burn out. They might work 8 hrs per day, but look after a whole ward of people, which is why we often hear of NH neglect or patients being restrained or drugged.

I care for a mom with Alzheimer's and a brother who is disabled. I do it alone. I'm 63 and willing to do it. Mom has become worse and I'm in the process of searching for some outside help. The day will come when I can no longer care for her. Until then, I want to care for her an my brother. But, that's me and don't expect everyone to feel or do the same.

However, that wasn't my point. I was shocked at how so many think it's not their responsibility to look after elderly parents when those parents no longer can care for themselves. And there are some who not only think that, but expect to get something from their parents after those parents die. Somehow it's the job of the parent to not only raise and care for children as they grow, but still care for them after the parents have died. Then in the same breath state looking after parents in their declining years is not a child's responsibility.

When I read beliefs like that (and I've personally known a couple of people who feel that way), I think we ought to be like the animal world. Take care of the child until they become a juvenile, then kick them out. Let them figure out how to survive and never come back. But, I think we're of a higher order than that.
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Yes, we should care for our parents by giving them the best possible care.... which means hiring the best caregivers that one's parents can afford because the caregivers are *trained and experienced*.

The caregiver works an 8 hour shift thus isn't burnt out by the end of the week. The caregiver, if under the weather, the agency sends a replacement. The caregiver gets vacation time and time off for their own doctor appointments, etc. And if the caregiver isn't the right match, and new person is sent out.

My parents still live independently but no longer drive.... thus, I am their driver. Many a time I would complain to others about all this driving and some would say to me to remember that my parents had driven me when I was a child, etc..... ok, that make sense BUT my parents were in their 20's and 30's, not in their late 60's when I was a child... that's a huge difference. I am the older person in the left hand lane with the left blinker light going.
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How cow!!! I'm aghast at some of the posts here. Some say parents are supposed to take care of their children, but don't dare ask the children care for a parent when they become ill and can no longer care for themselves. And those who are upset that Mommy and Daddy saved all their money for their own future and won't leave a penny to Johnny and Susie. That's just a tad hypocritical, don't you think.

I think, as long as there isn't a disabled child who will need taking care of for all his/her lifetime, ALL parents should spend every cent on themselves after the kids start their own lives. Don't leave one red cent.

And as for taking care of your parents during their declining years due to illness, I only hope you don't find yourselves in the same position. The saddest and loneliest reality is knowing there is no family who care about you.

Certainly not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver. And that's ok. But place someone into a NH out of love, not resentment.
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It must be very hard to be a devoted child when you were treated so bad growing up. There are adult children, I know, who are terrible to their parents in spite of being loved.
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Mollie you were obviously a very good mother. For many of us here it was just the opposite - a lifetime of mental, emotional and sometimes physical abuse.
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I had my children because I wanted to be a mother. I enjoyed their childhood, endured their teen years. I have enjoyed having them in my life through all their adult lives now they are becoming senior citizens themselves. They owe me nothing but I do appreciate the fact both of them love me.
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Oh and I'm still the bad guy for putting her in a NH and selling her house. Seems like threatening to walk way is the only answer with her.
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Visited my mother this afternoon and she immediately started on about buying a little house and hiring a housekeeper "so I can get out of here" (NH). It's impossible as she can no longer sit up or stand. I said we'll talk about it when you can walk properly (she'll never walk again) - that's like talking about next Christmas and it's only March. She carried on so I said I'm leaving but she begged me not to go so I sat down again and we had a really nice visit.

Thank goodness I changed my phone number or I'd still be getting the awful whining, picking fights phone call every day.
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SA,as I was reading from the beginning, I was biting at the bit to post my thoughts, after I read yours there is no need to. I am shocked at how are 'caregiver ordeal' and all the same feelings are so alike,except I still have mine.I don't dare let her know I find enjoyment in anything as she will surly 's*** in my cherios'. I am especially resentful at the fact she climbed into that bed against her doc. orders and has this sense of entitlement for me to serve her hand and foot.
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meh .. where's that EDIT button ..

"And sometimes, being firm about our limits and boundaries looks and feels like inviting conflict. On the contrary, it's a short term PITA to solve a long term problem. ....."
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Starry .. if your mom is legally competent, then she IS making the calls. Sometimes the best thing to do is LISTEN to what she's saying: sometimes it's a call for help, at others, what we're refusing to hear is what they really want. So, it's your job to set the boundaries, and set them NOW. "Mom, you've asked for my help and I'm here. And, see? Here's the thing: you raised me to be independent, use my own intelligence and have self-worth, and .. NO .. I'm not going to continue to do (____ fill in the blank _____). I have no obligation to be here, and if you continue to (____ fill in the blank _____), I'll leave and let you do it/figure it out on your own." She may be your mother, but she's NOT your reason for living, even if she gave you life .. that was HER choice .. which is the very point of this thread.

I know we (at least I know ~I~have) a tendency to avoid conflict, to make life easier rather than harder. And, sometimes, being firm about our limits and boundaries. Our parents aren't demi-gods, despite any showtiming to the contrary.

On a slight skew from the topic .. One of the things that really annoys me about families is that they'll often treat us worse than their worst enemies and still expect us to cow tow. Pfft. It's my personal stance that I love because I choose to, not because I'm obligated. Treat me with dignity. Treat me like a loved one and do NOT take me for granted, or I'm outta there. It's taken me over 50 years to get to this point, and I'll be d*mned if someone who claims to love me treats me like dirt.

Rant over.
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Thanks SA, it sounds like you went through a really rough time of it. Your mother probably was in no condition to appreciate it but you sacrificed so much for her well-being. She was very blessed indeed. Hmmm, moral obligation. That may be it for me too. I'm earlier in the journey, but I've already had well-meaning people including therapists tell me to just leave my mother to official agencies because my stress skyrockets when I deal with her aging issues. Still it is very hard to turn away when someone you love has real needs so I can sure see how you ended up stuck. I hope you are recovering now and getting some peace and rest.

LadeeC, I have a springing DPOA which requires two separate doctors to declare incompetence. I'm sure it may be useful one day but right now it feels pretty useless to me. I can't do anything and I certainly can't tell my mother what to do as she automatically resists that like it's a communist takeover. And she showtimes like a pro.
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You got that right, LadeeC. It's a lot worse without the POA for sure. A LOT worse.
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