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Hi everyone. I came online to do a search because I needed to find someone to talk to that understood. I ended up here.

Please understand that I'm new to this. I'm an only child. My parents live about an hour & 1/2 from me & my hubby. We have no children yet. I am very close to my parents. However, in the last 11 months or so, my feelings have really been thrown in every direction possible. My parents are both in their late 70's. Between the two of them, my mom is the one who's gown downhill the most in the past 2-3 yrs. She's diabetic, has bad arthritis in her back that affects her walking and has congestive heart failure. We were dealing w/that and everything was as well as could be expected. Then, about 2 yrs ago, she started falling. She did that 3 times and the last time was the worst. She got out of the hospital 3 days b4 Christmas last yr. She had meltdown on me when I told her daddy, hubby & I had everything taken care of as far as Christmas dinner. She went into this spill about how I should do everything myself bc they are old & sick. That came out of nowhere! My dad had health probs, but he was able bodied. Plus, HE volunteered to help. I would have never tried to put anything on him if I knew he couldn't do it. She then went on to tell me I don't care about them bc when I visit, I stay a good 2 hrs and leave. REALLY? Since when is arriving at the house @ 10 a.m. and leaving @ 7:00 after cleaning and cooking meals only TWO HOURS?! It really hurt my feelings and I was so upset that I didn't wanna go home for Christmas. I went on though but honestly, that was my very 1st Christmas that I didn't enjoy one bit. My gf said although its hard, just try to ignore it bc that's not her talking...its her illness. That was really hard to swallow. I walked on eggshells for a couple of months after that incident.

Things have been pretty good until recently. Now, my dad's health has gone downhill. He has prostate cancer & is now on a light chemo treatment for 6 wks. The dr. is hoping this will stop the growth. My dad is in really good spirits. He had a few rough days, but overall, he's doing ok. In the last month, my mom has really been giving me the blues. When I was @ home doing things for them 3 wks ago, she mentioned she's gonna have to call someone to come clean bc daddy just isn't able to do it anymore. After she kept falling, he pretty much took over all chores inside & out(except for when I go in to help). I gave her a confused look & told her she didn't need to do that bc I didn't mind coming to do it. Instead of being grateful, I got a snappy reply of, "well, you don't come weekly, so that's why I said we need someone." Okaaaaay. I let that go. Last week, she made another snappy comment about how she would like to have things done & go places but she knew there was no chance of me coming in town before Thanksgiving. So she was out of luck on that note. I calmly reminded her that she can always call me if she needs me and she knows that. I was hurt but I didn't cry w/her on the phone. The 3rd blow came this afternoon when I talked to her & dad. He had his treatment & said the dr. was pleased w/his progress. I get on the phone w/her and it was absolute dread & guilt that washed over me from the moment she said hi. She brought up having to call someone to come clean the house again. I told her I knew the house couldn't be THAT bad bc we just visited them 3 wks ago. I cleaned that day. They are not nasty, sloppy people. She popped off with, "well ALL YOU CLEANED was the bathroom..that's all you ever clean when you come." I felt my heart drop into my stomach & tears instantly formed. I pushed 'em back and told her she knew darn well I'd cleaned the whole kitchen along w/sweeping too bc she said she was appreciative of what I did. Now, all of a sudden, she forgets?!? On top of that, I cooked enough for them to have meals for two weeks. I was so hurt when I hung up w/her. I had already made plans to go home again this week, but honestly I dread it. I told my hubby that I don't understand. Here I am doing the best I can. I feel that I'm a good daughter. I'm sorry that I don't live in town or closer, but there's nothing I can do about that right now. I feel very unappreciated and sad. I have 2 friends who live in the same town and don't even try to do anything for their mothers. Here I am trying to balance taking care of them and my life as well and I feel like my mom can only think what i'm doing is not enough.

What can I do? I already feel guilty about not being able to be there in 20 or 30 min. I don't need any ADDITIONAL help from her. Why doesn't she realize I'm a good daughter? I'm so upset about this & its starting to affect me. I hardly sleep @ night and i've gained 10 pds bc of stress eating. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

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Another thought here too. I think in a weird way in many elder's minds getting help from family with tasks of independent living doesn't "count". If a daughter comes to clean it is because she's just being helpful, out of love, not because the elder can't do it and the house is sliding into a pit of filth. Once they have to hire someone and pay them it brings it home that they really do have new limitations. And there's the fear of strangers in the mix as well.
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You ARE a good daughter. You ARE doing the best you can. It must have hurt like hell when your mother slighted all you'd done for her and your father and complained that you weren't doing enough. Ouch. But stop worrying about what you're doing, you are doing fine. What you can worry about more helpfully to yourself is how your mother is feeling. Put yourself in her shoes - as a mental exercise, I mean, not in a preachy way - and have a look at what her world's become. Not pretty. Perhaps that's why she's being so horrible - and I bet not just to you. She's lashing out. Don't take it personally - it's a tribute to her trust in you that you're in the target area.

Her getting in a cleaner is a good idea, not a criticism of you. She is certainly phrasing it like a criticism, but it's actually an excuse. She can blame you or her own declining health for things having slipped a bit round the place - oh! and guess which she picked?! Why she feels she needs an excuse to get help in when she and your father are ill and need a hand, who can say; but it doesn't matter. It'll do them good, you'll have more time to laugh and look at pictures when you visit instead of spending hours cleaning and getting less than zero thanks for it, and the shiny clean house (hm. Hope she knows some good cleaners) will be a lift to her spirits.

Also she's ill, afraid and probably in pain; she's probably terrified about your father as well. Not good for anyone's temper. Tell her when what she says is hurtful and makes you sad, but if it doesn't get you anywhere don't waste time fighting about it. You know why she's doing it; try to separate it from the real her and then maybe, I hope, it will hurt less.

Don't you dare feel guilty. If you didn't care, her attitude couldn't hurt you, could it? You have nothing to feel guilty about. xxx
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Kathy1. You are a valued member of this forum. One person found you blunt. Please stay.!
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lep627 You are right. God forbid that anyone see a situation, and try to be kind by being honest. Please let us just encourage this loving overwhelmed woman to bury her head in the sand, and refuse to see how much help her parents need. Let us support her with kind gentle words, rather than warn her of the trainwreck that is barreling down the track at 90 miles an hour. Let us encourage to wallow in her pain, rather than take some action that could fore stall her parents decline.

I gave what I thought was support. Get ready, get prepared, more effort is needed. These are lessons I wish someone had told me when I first started taking care of my Dad.

I am leaving the forum. I come here for advice not support. I try to give the same. I can see my actions are hurtful and unneeded. My stress levels are already soaring, I will find a group that allows all personality types.
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Kathy1's comments, in my opinion, are offensive and rude. This is a forum for support, not bitching people out. Don't let comments like her's affect you. I'm shocked and disappointed that she is accusatory.

YOU are doing what you can do. Put yourself first.
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I agree with the poster above. Don't let her "guilt" you over things that you have no control over. Do not do their cleaning, shopping, etc. They probably need a caregiver to come in a couple times a week (let that person handle all the errands), and tell her to hire a housekeeper. We have one every 2 weeks. My Mom is also narcissistic and has always tried to make me feel guilty (and I'm 53)! I'm not letting her do it anymore.

I live with her, but am usually in my TV room because I can't handle her negativity. Love your parents, but set boundaries. If she doesn't respect them, tell her you won't visit as often. She will then try to make you feel worse. If she does, turn around and walk out the door. You have to stick to what you say or she will not respect you & she will continue being abusive. I would also suggest not talking to her for a couple of weeks, so you can breathe -- and come up with a plan.

You are a good daughter. YOU KNOW that. Don't let her make you feel otherwise. I swear your Mom sounds so much like mine, but mine has Alzheimer's Dementia.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
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If she says she wants a housekeeper, tell her to go ahead and get her some names. Don't let her play the guilt card on you. You are a good daughter, and she is forgetful about that. You are both anxious, and maybe you both need to vent, but not at each other. If you visit, try to take someone with you, she will not act up in front of a third party. Protect your own sanity first.
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My prayers are with you and your family. Protecting your own mental, emotional, and physical health are critical. My situation has parallels to yours and esp. harpcat's along with similarities to others in these posts. It took 6-8 years of my mother's increasing anger, verbal abuse, paranoia, etc. as I tried to help her, to fully acknowledge its toll on me. After all that time trying to let her keep as much control over her own life as possible because I took her hostility personally, the dementia's progress finally makes clear the unpredictability of her behavior. Good therapy in the last year helped me understand, whatever the cause of her behaviors toward me, I must NOT take ownership of them. Whether your mother's pushing your buttons is intentional or out of her own fear of loss of control or whatever, other posters were right in advising you to find other techniques to explain/deal with them. It is NOT because you are a bad daughter or are not doing your best to help and do what is right. Your psychic pain is real, her fear is real, but as your parents' health declines and tough decisions must be made, those things may have to be taken out of the equation. I have started saying often, "This is not an emotional decision, it's a health/financial/practical/etc. one." Because this has been so long coming and my mother has been a creative genius at covering it in her behavior and conversation with others, it's doubly hard to do the tough things, like move her now to where she can get the care she needs with bathing, eating, remembering her meds. My brother and I who have been tag-teaming her care for the last 7 months must preserve our own lives and sanity, even in the face of opposition from her friends and distant relatives who have 'drunk her cool-aid' and haven't spent enough time with her to see the breadth of the problem. When she is most lucid she is very grateful and says she knows she cannot live here much longer and agrees to visit the local elder facilities. The next moment she says absolutely not and has an irrational fit over my trying to get her to bathe.
Add in a history of emotional/mental illness that had its impact when my brother and I were very young, and the stew is thick indeed.
Time now to protect your health and sanity, do your best for your parents remembering as others have suggested that pushing your emotional buttons is how she continues to get her way with you and that you will never, ever, ever be able to do the thing that she wants most: to restore her old life of health, happiness, and control. A while back I started picturing a frightened, caged animal when I was taking a verbal lashing. It helped somewhat in recognizing her fear; but the unfortunate best news is that when I get pushed to the limit and lash back (not something I'm proud of), progression of dementia means they ultimately don't remember 2 minutes ago, regardless of what happened.
In sum: 1) guard your health and mental/emotional well-being; 2)protect your relationship with your husband--he's more your family now; 3)continue to do the best you can for your parents without expectations of appreciation or even understanding from them--it sounds like you are going about it the right way to investigate the possibilities and seek advice from others; 4)create those boundaries suggested by others (--angry elders, just like children in a tantrum, CAN have their behavior modified when it isn't tolerated and that refusal to tolerate is quietly and gently repeated); 5)don't be afraid to use those other resources (like housecleaners even knowing that neither will it be the perfect or final solution, just a stop-gap); 6)don't put too much confidence in the medical community--I, too, have found that to be the weakest link; 7)keep a sense of humor!!!!; and 8)press on with others' support, advice and prayers! You are not alone.
p.s. A book, Elder Rage, is a true account of a daughter's extreme experience with her parents but also provides some good insight and suggestions for many of us. If nothing else, it makes one appreciate when their situation isn't so dramatic!
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Bermuda makes some excellent points - basically life changes and none of us are going to go on in an ideal way, unless we die suddenly while still young and healthy. Expect changes to occur and work with the situation as best you can - it is all any of us can do.
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The first year or two is the hardest! You're lucky your Mom wants to hire a housekeeper, my Mom was really upset when I hired ours, she was in denial about us needing outside help and was very anti-help. Another thing I did that really helped me is I found a Church and rekindled my relationship with my Lord and Savior, Jesus! The Lord is my Rock, and I cling to him and he is ALL POWERFUL and gives me the Grace of His Peace! If it wasn't for The Lord, I never would have made it! Mom and I just went through the toughest 3 weeks of our lives, she was medivac'd to the nearest big city for 5 hrs of Orthopedic surgery. The Lord was, and is, with us. I start my day with reading Devotionals, listen to Christian music radio, watch the Christian TV. Being a caregiver is probably the toughest job on earth, especially if you work full time! I admire your commitment to your parents, and I can tell you truly LOVE THEM! God Bless you for doing this!
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Find a housekeeper for her. But seems like she wants you around more, but is going about it in way that drives you the other way. After getting her a housekeeper, ask what she would like next. Dinner with you every week? Outings with you? Playing Scrabble with you? Going for msni pedis with you?
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BE GLAD SHE WANTS TO HIRE HELP AND NOT HAVE YOU DO IT ALL...It is her gift to you that she doesn't want you to do it all. PRIDE has a lot to do with it they our use to doing it all themselves and really EGO that makes them think that you will never be able to do it the way they want .....so let her hire someone.......I wish I had that problem... My mom doesn't want anyone in the house not even me
but she complains nothing is being done????Fairies don't come and clean the house mom.....This is me after 6 months of dealing with mom's depression on meds......and I am only there 4 hours at a time...My brother lives full time and is finally reached his limit.....This illness is a bitch.....
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There's a useful strategy called "The Best Friends Approach" to caring for someone with dementia. Here is the website, and you could probably find the book to borrow from your public library

It's sad in a way, because no matter how old we are, we want to be the child of our parents. But dementia robs us of that role when we become caregivers. I found that the strategy of treating my mother like a best friend helped both of us in the long run.

If your mom told her best friend that she was going to hire help, the friend would congratulate her and tell her it was a smart move. She wouldn't cry and think "oh, you don't love me any more!" Try shifting into the best-friend mode when you are with your mother.

There are resources available for seniors to hire home helpers to do errands, light housekeeping, and laundry. Having someone else do this so that you and your mom could do enjoyable things together could help you stop dreading visits with your mom.

Go out to lunch with her or go shopping - whatever the two of you enjoy doing together. Tell her she looks great, compliment her, let her know that you care.
If she starts complaining about something you've done/not done, try to stay calm and react as a friend would do: "I'm sorry you feel that way. I'll try to do better." Then change the subject. If she continues, you can just calmly say that it seems like this might not be a good time to visit and you'll come back another time. Then leave.

Also, find a support group near you and see your doctor for a complete checkup. You sound like you may already be suffering from depression and caregiver burnout. Take care of yourself first, or your health will be compromised.

Keep us posted. We all know what you are going through. And you definitely are a good daughter!
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Hey, if someone told me they were hiring a housekeeper instead of expecting me to clean, I'd dance a little jig and say, "That sounds like a sensible idea."

That leaves you to spend quality time with your parents. Who loses? Your mom has taken control in a life in which very little (including the life of her husband) is under her control. You don't have to scrub her toilet, kitchen, or anything else. Win/win.

It doesn't really hurt less when a disease makes them cruel to you, as opposed to their doing it on purpose. I know few people who can compartmentalize that like. But it's a mantra you can repeat to yourself when you reach the end of your rope, a knot to grab onto until your pulse slows and your tears dry. And it might keep you from saying something you cant take back. That makes it worth having in your caregiving arsenal.
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My heart aches for you. I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. My mother in law says some really horrible things to me. I keeps telling myself that it's the disease but how do you shut it out?? I have been standing up for myself lately and it seems to help. I'll tell her "That's none of your business" or "I don't care what you think." Do you feel better now that you were able to express your feelings? May the Lord bless you and.. everyone else here!
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We deal with days like this with our father. He becomes very agitated but you have to move past it. Who is talking is not the same person who is your parent. Continue to be there for her and get people in that know how to help them in the fight areas to take some pressures off of you.
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Well not to be as harsh as Ferris but shes right when I stopped feeling hurt by mums comments and realised it was the dementia and her anger against me i took back my power and walked away when she tried this crap! And guess what it worked!!!! My mum used to tell me i do nothing ( i live with her) so I DID NOTHING for a few days and she never said it again. Let your mother know that you are doing your best and and I mean it WALK away if she puts you down again. If its by phone hang up! Ive learnt that dementia dosnt mean they are stupid they know exactly what theyre at they are clever at making you feel bad! DONT!
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As adult children, we are expected to love our parents, not be their housekeepers. Get in home help, visit your mom to chat, go shopping, go for lunch or tea. Have arelationship with her, adult to adult.
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I can relate to this situation. My father died 18 years ago, and since then my mother lived in her own house from age 82. At that time I lived pretty close to her (1 hour drive) and saw her at least weekly. Things seemed pretty good for awhile, and she started getting some help with housekeeping as her mobility decreased. Fast forward to 2 years ago - my then 98 year old mother was showing definite signs of dementia, accusing people of stealing things that no-one would steal (like handkerchiefs) and getting angry with me pretty much all the time. Since I now had to visit her from very far away, it is an expensive trip and one I had grown to dread, just like BlueBirdgrl. She would fire her housekeepers and home support workers on a regular basis if she was unhappy with some small thing they did. She was becoming increasingly paranoid, as her hearing got worse and worse yet she refused hearing aids. Now, 2 years later, she is 100 years old and was finally moved to a nursing home in early September. She is now considered mentally incompetent, so I as her Power of Attorney took over paying bills, and got her house sold. However she continues to be furious with me over pretty much everything. One clue that it was not my "real" mom talking was when she told my husband that I broke her heart by running away from home. Note I was 18 months old when that happened. Her insight into her own situation and what is going on around her is drastically reduced, so I am learning to not get hooked into her verbally abusive behaviour. One strategy I tried that worked when I was up for a two week visit just last month, was that whenever she started talking angrily or rudely to me, I left the room. My husband, never her target, said she'd eventually ask where I was, and when he informed her that I would return if she would be nice to me, invariably she wanted to see me and for a few minutes, would be all sweetness and light.
This makes you crazy, but you are not the crazy one. Your mother is losing control not only over her situation, but over her mind. Even though you are the target, this is just because her mind is not working properly and she is lashing out when you are convenient.
I agree, help her find a housekeeper. Talk to your parents about assisted living, and try to take them on a tour of a couple of places near their home. (Be sure to see them first by yourself.) Get your Mom to a doctor to assess her cognitive functioning. It is a long time, often, from when the family first notices something wrong mentally, until the medical people notice it, but detailing times and incidents for the doctor will help him or her.
Hang in there and keep us posted.
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It really is okay to let your parents hire people to help them. That your mother even brought it up is wonderful - let her do it with your support. It is a fiction that a parent's children especially their only child will be able to just take care of everything so that they can continue to live with the same level of autonomy and privacy as before. Most of the time it just isn't possible and that doesn't have to mean the adult child is inadequate or bad. Assess her needs, meet what you can and facilitate getting the rest met in other ways. This is how I'm approaching things and I still fight with the guilt, but in real terms it is all that one can do.
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I haven't read through everything already said, so bear with me if I repeat what has been posted.
I have been there. It still hurts when mom says something harsh, even though I have known for 7 years it is her dementia...Now to your parents...sit down with them the next time you visit. Try to do it when everyone is relaxed. Get your mom (especially) to sit with you and go over what needs to be done and when at the house. Have her be a part of the decisions about her own home. She is losing so much and much of what she says to you could be chalked up to her frustration. If they need to hire someone to come clean, look into your counties Department of Aging. Many of them have excellent resources for older folks aging in place. Above it all, know that you ARE a good daughter, your parents love you and that it is their ill health that creates the snarky tone.
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Your mom has stated, more than once now, that she's going to get a house cleaner. Say "OK" then change the subject.
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First of all, no one can "make" another person depressed, unless they allow it. Secondly, it sounds like your mother has some dementia, is using the guilt card on you, and you are allowing your feelings to feed off that guilt. When are you going to grow up and not take that treatment, and not allow your mother's comments to affect you negatively? When she talks badly to you, hang up. Tell her you don't appreciate her treatment of you and get someone else to clean her house. You go just to visit. Then she won't have much to complain about that you didn't do, or she thinks you didn't do. Lastly, if she keeps affecting you so negatively, stop seeing her. Your health is more important to you and your husband will benefit too. Tough love is what it is called...
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Your mom is screaming for help. You aren't listening. You set a boundary of every three weeks, that is all you are willing to give. You also think your parents should be grateful, and effusive with praise. Frankly what I am hearing, is that you care more for your feelings, then about what your parents need. You could be in the first stages of grief, denial, or overwhelmed with the role reversal. Either way life as you know it is over. This is the tip of the iceberg.

Caregiving is exhausting, emotionally, physically, mentally. Your parents need hands on care. Your Mom needs a break. If you can't give it, and they have the money to hire it, what exactly are your concerns with hiring a cleaning woman?
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Your mom may have some dementia. Even if not, chronic illness changes people, as well as the loss of control over their own lives. Help her hire the help she needs, otherwise as much as it hurts, it is part of caregiving you really have to smile through it, it helps me to think of how I would hope to be treated while I'm doing the housework, driving to doctors appointments, etc... Good luck.
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One of the first things I did when my mother started to fail was to get a housekeeper. I knew I wouldn't be able to do everything - dr. appts, food, personal care, etc. I still have to do some minor cleaning but it is easier to than having to do the whole shebang. Good advice given above. You're doing great, do what you can and don't let it get you down.
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Yes, jeannegibbs' response is right on. It sounds like your mom has some cognitive impairment that's affecting her personality. I know how you feel. I invested a great deal of time fixing up my mom's house after my Dad died so she would have nice surroundings (i live 1 hour away). My mom was usually a sweet, appreciative person. Her responses at each visit was "great, now you'll sell it and kick me out." I started dreading going to her house. I was so discouraged. I spoke to my sister who explained this is not our mother talking. This is her fear, confusion and stress talking. Mom realized she was having memory problems and that really scared her.

Your mom doesn't have control of her life anymore. She sees her support system changing (her husband is sick, her daughter lives far away, she has serious health problems.) It is not possible for you to fix all of your parents problems. You are there to assist but not to own the situation.

It is not practical for you to be their house cleaner. We gave my mom a housecleaning service for Christmas for 6 months. After that, she liked it and kept the service going. She could afford it. I don't know what your parents' financial situation is. Make it clear to your mom that you will be there for them (but you must set boundaries and stick to them).

Your Dad sounds like a reasonable person. Maybe you can start planting the seeds to consider assisted living. You can visit places on your own or with your parents. If you start looking now, there is no stress to make decisions. Just see what it's all about. They may like the idea of someday living close by you.

In the meantime, talk to your Dad about your concerns about Mom. Mom's doctor can set up a neurological evaluation. Please don't take your mom's comments as a true reflection of who you are. You are entitled to have your own life with your husband.
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i have just joined this group but your post really urged me to write. i too have dealt with a father who tried to make me feel guilty for not living near him and helping. one of the things i and my siblings chalked it up to was a narcissistic personality. which is partially true but what we didn't know was that he had early cognitive impairment that was affecting his personality. To make a long story short, he moved into independent living but after that he gave us continual hell with verbal abuse. My sister and i knew he suffered from anxiety all his life and some depression so we did an intervention and went to his doctor with him and got him on meds for it. That made a HUGE difference and we felt we got our dad back. Now he is moving to my city to be closer to family and i will be primary caretaker. To be able to handle this I went to see a therapist. What she told me is to not let my dad push my buttons and that his behavior was manipulative. That is not all she said, but won't go into that here. From what you write I can see that she is a master at this and it has probably gotten worse due to her declining health and dare I say it...her cognitive impairment You should try to get her to her doctor for testing for this. Once you get a label on it that will help. What you are trying to do is please someone who cant be pleased and you will not win. Plus her memory will not allow her to really remember all you do. When my father once called to yell at me about something, I said in a very low and calm voice, "did you call to yell at me?"...that put his behavior back on him and took him aback enough that he calmed down some. You must find ways to handle her personality changes and demands and I suggest a couple of sessions with a good therapist. Your mental health is vital and you need coping skills. You can not allow guilt and manipulation to do this to you. You are worth more than that. it does help to tell yourself it's her disease and not you, but that only goes so far to help. How you deal with this needs tools. Please take care of yourself. Prayer helped me through this too. I wish you peace. Namaste.
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Yup, Jeanne got it right. I'd also see if I could get your mom checked for some cognitive decline. It might not be Alzheimers, it could just be medication induced mental fogginess.

Is there any way your folks would move closer to you, into an assisted living facility? My folks lived 3 hours away from me and as I'd get more and more desperate calls about needing help, I finally said, "I can't handle the stress". Thankfully my folks also saw the need from their end, so moved to a facility five minutes from my condo. That was 12 years ago. My dad died 4 years ago, after going from their independent living apartment over to the skilled nursing side for three months after he was coming to the end of his battle with lung cancer. My mom is still able to live in independent living, with a LOT of help from me. They were both happier with my involvement and it cut my stress down by lot. There was/is still stress, but it's more manageable when you can get to your folks in minutes instead of hours.

The other thing is, you have to learn to pace yourself with both your emotions and what you'll do for your folks. So don't get too down over any one thing, because this is a marathon, not a sprint and you have to take care of yourself so that you can manage it.
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Everything Jeanne said. Once again, J, you hit the nail on the head.
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