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Your gf is right -- "that's not her talking...its her illness." It is very tough to accept, but probably easier than thinking she is deliberately hurting you.

Does she have any other signs of dementia? Cause this sure sounds like some kind of cognitive impairment.

As for practical steps: You live too far to be her regular house cleaner. Dad can no longer do it. Next time she brings it up offer to help her find someone. Many caregivers on here would be THRILLED if they could talk their parents into accepting some outside help. Even if Mom turns it into a complaint about you, it is basically a sound idea that needs implementing. Yes, they need some homemaking help. Believe me, you'll have more than sufficient opportunity to help them in other ways over the years ahead! Embrace this willingness to bring in outside help with both hands! Don't let your own hurt feelings get in the way of taking this practical step.

It is awesome that you cook meals for them to heat up later. Great help! When Mom complains that you don't do anything for her, later in the conversation ask how she liked your such-and-such meal. Try not to take it personally that she doesn't remember or appreciate your efforts. Unless she has been like this all your life, it is the illness talking. Now, how about looking into Meals on Wheels? Not only is that a nutritious meal once a day that they don't even have to heat up, but it is someone coming to the house every day, someone to socialize with for just a few minutes. Your cooking efforts will go farther if they get some other meals provided.

While Mom is receptive to outside help, do either of them need a visiting nurse? Who manages their medications? Do you think they are doing well with that task? Can they still shower unassisted?

Your mother had a meltdown when she first got out of the hospital last year. Suddenly she had to accept that she couldn't do things she took for granted in the past. Maybe on some weird level it made her feel better to claim that you didn't do it right (because she couldn't do it at all). And now she faces another blow. Her husband has cancer. He can no longer do things she counted on him to do. Her life is spinning more out her control. She is frightened. Why she should take that out on you is a huge mystery. But I suspect her behavior has little to do with you and much to do with her fear, and possibly with early stage dementia.

If at all possible, drop the guilt. If you can't fully let go of it, push it way to the background and make decisions without consulting the guilt.

Know that you are a good daughter. Believe it. Talk to your girlfriend about it. Talk to your husband about it. Come here and post so we can tell you that you ARE a good daughter. None of that means as much as hearing your mother say it, but that just may not possible at this time. Whether she acknowledges it or not, you are a good daughter.
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