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Does anyone notice that the OP hasn't been back to have a thing to add? Nor to comment on the wide variety of opinions in 30-odd posts?

I think Ventingisback is spot on in everything she has said about this situation.

The OP had an online, one-year, long-distance, "relationship" which in reality doesn't look so great feet on the ground.
Mother who is "disabled" (though her son can't say in what way) lives with son. Yet OP thought this was a good partner with whom to "start a family".
Mother who has "been this way all her life" is a bit unhinged at worst, unpredictable at best.

Yet OP wonders now what to do?
The options seem clear.
Mother has "been this way all her life", so that's unlikely to change.
Son has been this way all HIS life, so that's unlikely to change.
Now OP can stay and complicate this further by bringing innocent children into the equation or she can tell herself "Whoops, I will never move myself cross country again for a guy before checking the sitch out first".

Some of our lessons are learned the hard way.
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Scampie1 Jul 2023
Hi AlvaDeer,

Your insight into this situation caused me to look at this from a different angle. What some people consider a long distance relationship nowadays consist of a texting variety. Texting does not provide a realistic view of a person or a situation you will be walking into. People still have real life situations, but if a person is dating via online, skype or texting, this is not a good foundation for starting a relationship.

I think OP may have walked into a situation not fully knowing the full truth of what was actually going on behind the scenes of the screen. This man's mother seems like a real nightmare. It would have been doable if she just went for a couple of visits to see the true nature of the situation. You don't walk into a situation blindsightedly.
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You've been suckered, honey. Your partner has unpaid, live-in help because you came across country to be with him. He's content to let you be abused by her, doesn't show any signs of seeing the light, lets himself be abused. If you stay in this situation, you have no one to blame but yourself.

You made a mistake. This is not the life you want. Give your partner an ultimatum: her or you. When he TAKES ACTION and gets her out of his house, then you can consider a future with him again. Until then, you're being naive.

I hope this blunt answer helps.
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ventingisback Jul 2023
I don’t think OP is being naive. I think, as you said, the boyfriend gets unpaid help (OP) to deal with his mom.

But OP gets something out of this, too: a place to stay, a roof over her head.

If OP had lots of money, of course she would have left the house already. No one wants to live in an abusive situation.

OP is trying to kick out MIL.
MIL is trying to kick out OP.

The house belongs to the boyfriend. He decides.
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She isn't your mother-in-law. Only if you marry her son will she be your mother-in-law.

The woman threatened you and you are in fear for yourself and the cat. Your marriage to her son will not change that.

You don't have a marriage. You don't have a mother-in-law. You don't have safety in your home.

RUN!
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ventingisback Jul 2023
I don’t think it’s OP’s home/house. OP is a guest there, and “MIL” is trying to kick OP out.

”MIL” is trying to make things as uncomfortable as possible for OP, so OP leaves.
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Just wanted to clear up...the home is the partners. Mom came to live with him. As did it seems the OP. Its his apt. My thought...Mom was there first. I don't think OP is married to this man so, for now, she needs to move out. Then partner needs to find a place for Mom. Social Services or APS should be able to find resources for Mom. Once he gets her out, then u can be together.

"When she came to live with him, her paid-off home he grew up in was being foreclosed and her car was repossessed to help pay off tens of thousands in spending debt she had racked up, her 401k was gone. The rest my partner paid off himself."

"she recently screamed at us over him not texting her back to communicate what our dinner plans were (partner and I tried to deescalate as we are renting and have neighbors"
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“Run Forest run!”
” Get to the chopper!”.
”Scotty, beam me up.”
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NeedHelpWithMom Jul 2023
Great response! She can be Forest Gump (love Hanks in that role) or transform herself into the gingerbread man, make that gingerbread woman, and run as fast as she can!
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aenariys, metaphorically you basically are living with a wild beast. Daily, it snarls and growls and threatens to sink its teeth into you. I understand you love the beast's cub, but the cub can't even protect himself much less you from the beast's fangs and claws.

Your concern and care for the beast doesn't stop her from eating you alive. Please run for your life. If the cub is smart, he'll follow you.
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Ooh gosh. We are in similar circumstances. I have no advise. Just know I’m sending you love and strength. Feel free to vent to me anytime!
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The boundaries are not for you to set, only your BF. You also probably will not be able to change him either.
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You are living in a situation where you are concerned for your own safety and that of your cat.

GET OUT.

You have a responsibility as a pet parent to keep your cat safe.

If you don't feel safe with this woman around your cat, don't even think about bringing a baby into the situation. You will have to worry about an unhinged woman putting your child in danger every single day. You will probably get pressure from your partner to let her see/watch the baby, and with her history of unwise driving/ power tool use/ angry threats, you will be stressed every day of your life.

Leave now, find a place for you and your cat, and chalk this up to a valuable life lesson.
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Mom needs to be kicked out. If boyfriend won't do that then take your cat and yourself and move out.
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