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My mother refuses to go into aged care accommodation or move to live with me. She has cancer and last August was given 6 months to live. She barely has the strength to perform her own personal care these days. She is clearly weakening and can hardly lift her feet to walk. She falls. She has no strength left in her hands and has been going to the neighbours just to get the top off her tablet bottle. (She refuses to have the free medication blister packs). Called Webster Paks in Australia. I am her Medical and Financial POA. I supported her choice to remain living in her own home until now. I have been accompanying her to monthly doctors appointments where all she does is deny the obvious cancer symptoms, e.g. pain, exhaustion, weakness. But later complains to everybody and anybody. She has had cancer for 8 years and has largely refused treatment. I can no longer reason with my mother. Last December she agreed to call me if she felt severely ill,weak or in pain. Now I only find out days later when she smugly informs me that she had a "bad day" some days ago. She even said she had a plan to die at home. Alone ?? This I feel, I have a duty of care to prevent. I have "stepped back" and tried to allow events to unfold but the anxiety I am now feeling is getting me down.

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Why, then, does mother want you to act as her "POA" if she refuses to ALLOW you to ACT as her POA and do something for her? Very unfortunate situation, all the way around.

I think Countrymouse is right with what she says about this being your mother's decision; hopefully she changes her mind at some point and asks for help & you can get the ACAS assessment done quickly.
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Pelar, if your mother refuses any kind of assessment you are left with one option only: wait.

If she never changes her mind, then she was right.
If she does change her mind, then with the help of her GP and specialist cancer services near you you'll find things can happen really, really quickly.

So the nightmare scenario where she is alone and in agony and you can't get any help to her - won't happen.

There isn't really a conflict between common sense and freedom of choice because that isn't the question. This is about whose decision it is to make, and it's your mother's.
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I have bad news for you.

"She has had cancer for 8 years and has largely refused treatment. ... She even said she had a plan to die at home. Alone ?? This I feel, I have a duty of care to prevent."

Sorry, no. Your mother's views have been consistently expressed and acted on for the last 8 years. Your duty as MPOA is to follow them through, even if that means her dying alone (but it probably won't have to mean that - see below).

Has your mother's doctor referred her (or you) to any hospice services? They are often able to step in quickly, when matters reach a crisis, and will certainly be able to offer you supportive, sympathetic advice.
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dlpandjep Mar 2022
I agree with you - her daughter should involve her doctor, or seek Hospice on her own. I just lost my Dad who was receiving Hospice care and they sent a nurse by twice a week to check vitals and evaluate his needs and an aide bathed him twice a week. He was reluctant at first, but soon found himself looking forward to their visits, Please Pelar - look into Hospice. They will help put your mind at ease and they'll be there for both of you.
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Pelar, I am so sorry you are forced to endure such a thing, on behalf of your mother, and that she herself is under a death watch with cancer. What a stressful situation this must be for you, as her daughter, to know she's in such bad shape, yet refusing any & all help! I don't blame you for feeling down & upset at the entire situation, not knowing WHAT you can possibly do!

I think the best thing you can probably do is to stop by to see mom every day, if that's possible. Find out if she needs anything, check up her to see that she's alright or not alright, and go from there. If she is not wanting to go to the hospital in the event she's dying, what ARE her last wishes? Find out. Then honor them. Does she have oxygen handy if needed? Pain meds if needed? IDK if hospice is available to her or if she would be interested in their services?

Sending you a hug and a prayer that mom passes peacefully without more pain or suffering to either one of you.
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Pelar20 Mar 2022
Thank you for your kind thoughts and prayers. See my reply to Countrymouse above regarding the barriers mum has placed in front of me yet still wants me to be POA.
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I think you need to have an honest talk with her about what she wants to happen if anyone finds she is in her final days, perhaps all she needs is the reassurance that nobody is going to apply heroic measures or whisk her off to hospital against her will. Some people don't want the clan gathered around the bedside during their final hours, I believe that's why you hear so many stories of people slipping away the moment someone steps out of the room to grab a coffee or use the washroom. I think you have to honour your mother's desire to tackle this her way, but at the same time I would try to mitigate the possibility that someone finds her body days after the event. I'd try to negotiate having someone coming in daily to offer assistance with tasks like meals, minor housekeeping and bathing assistance or simply to have eyes on her, or at the very least have a daily phone check in - tell her it's for your peace of mind.
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Pelar20 Mar 2022
Thanks for your thoughts and advice.
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This comes down to your Mom's competency to make her own decisions. If she is competent to make her decisions then she must be allowed to make them. The course of this is not good whether she is on hospice and in care or whether she dies in her own home; I think you understand that.
I believe this is something you need to take one day at a time, letting nature take its course, and making decisions for that day ON that day. I am so very sorry for all you are both going through.
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Pelar20 Mar 2022
Thanks for your wise words.
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