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Matie26 I agree with all of the previous answers. Do NOT give up your job and your life at this young age to care for your mom. Your dad needs to be the one making compromises at this point, not you. You've offered very reasonable options and he needs to consider/pick one.

Stick to your guns and don't feel guilty. Your life is just as important as your mom's. Your dad is ignoring that fact. He's acting like a selfish bully.
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Matie26 , You need to keep your job, visit when you can and talk to several agencies, different options with your father. Assisted Living, live in caregiver,volunteers you can try to find ( from a church not sure where else) . Has your mom told your dad what she wants? He shouldn't deny that, he would be the one answering questions if they got investigated because HE is the one refusing to hire anyone.

I understand your still worried because I fear the same thing because I am the only relative that can care for my grandfather. But yet, I need a job and also have a disabled father.

Your in my thoughts, good luck.
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This insightful observation sums up the situation as I see it:

"My father is a control freak and has tried to dictate the course of my entire life, and now he is using my sick mom against me to try to get me to do what he wants."

That's what I thought even before I read your conclusion.

This is a test of wills - your father's vs. yours, and your mother is in the middle. You need to stand your ground, hold your position, and allow him to recognize that a compromise needs to be made, and he needs to reach that conclusion on his own even though you should be guiding him toward it.

If there were no other options, demanding that you return home might be feasible. But there are other options; your father just doesn't want to explore them. That's part of the control trip.

Keep remembering that because otherwise the guilt will consume you, and that may subconsciously be part of your father's agenda.

Without prying or asking too upsetting a question, has your mother's tumor been staged?

It seems to me you've already made sacrifices, which subconsciously may have encouraged your father to believe he could demand more.

If you leave your first job, you'll have to explain and justify that every time you apply for another one. It could become a real issue for your career. But it also will make you totally dependent on your parents for everything, and then your father wins and has more control over you than he did before. And you're back to the childhood stage of being dependent on him while he manipulates you as much as he wants to.

Take some time to think over the situation, explore options for care in your parents' area even though your father would reject them, and when you feel emotionally up to it, present them with a plan that includes the care your mother needs, with professional care in the home, paid for by him if necessary.

I wouldn't mention more visits because as you noted FMLA only extends so far. And that would give your father an opening through which he could put his foot.

If you stand your ground, he'll eventually realize he can't manipulate you. But he'll continue to try so think about how to plan for whatever he may propose next. I do suspect he'll become angry and accusatory and use a guilt trip to increase your anguish.

Also think about how this will affect your mother, as it sounds as though he manipulates her as well. This is in some ways the harder situation, especially since your mother is willing to make changes but he probably dominates her and challenges those decisions she makes. She to is caughte between the rock and a hard place.

For whatever reason, he apparently doesn't attempt to control your siblings. Is there any possibility they could change their position of not helping, or are they unwilling to deal with his personality as well?

I've been through the challenges of caring for a controller for years; it took a long time before I figured out ways to politely stand up and resist the manipulation. It wasn't easy; in fact it's really an emotional challenge, which includes a large amount of guilt and self-questioning.

I wish you luck; please let us know how you decide to handle the situation.
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Oh my gosh I am so with you on this dilemma... I have very similar but slightly different thing with my VERY proud VERY old school father!

He is 89 and struggling to care 24/7 with my 85 yr old mum. (Her mobility is limited and she suffers with incontinence!)
I live 17 miles from them, am a single mum, and go over there 3 times a week (spend 5/6 hours there on a Saturday)
My dad is really struggling, and whilst I am lucky to live nearer than you do to yours, I have been begging my dad to get help. He has always flatly refused.

I have gradually teased out of him why:
1. All the negative press in the media/horror stories about bad carers (very much the minority, but I guess stories about all the lovely carers would not sell newspapers!!)
- I have said I will follow up references and interview them.
2. He thinks if he admits he needs help that Social Services will 'take her away' - a REALLY common fear amongst elderly carers.
- I assured him that the British Govt have NO interest in this, quite the opposite, they are desperate for folks to stay at home.
3. He does not want a 'stranger' in the house.
- Again, I said we could interview and find one he likes
4. Money - I think he worries it will 'eat up' their savings.. but mum gets a disability allowance that could pay for this, and I have stated that I would rather their money is spent on this than me inherit it.

I have to say, I have ben trying to persuade him for 10 months, to no avail... so I phoned their doctor on the quiet, telling him my concerns for my father's health (he's lost far too much weight), and begging doc to 'tell' dad that he has to get help. (My dad is very 'old school', and ex RAF, so if a Doctor tells him to do something he will!)
Doctor called him on Wednesday this week... then called me to say he got the same resistance I had... but then dad called me yesterday to tell me he is going to get the Social Services folks in to do an assessment and put together care worker package!!!

Can't promise same approach will work with yours... but worth a try.

At 26 you do need to build your career.

Try asking your dad what is he afraid of regards moving closer to you? Try to minimise his concerns.
Maybe ask his priest etc for advice/help (if he is religious, he may listen to them?)
My experience has been that if you don't get them out of the big family home into maybe warden assisted community soon, then it will become impossible as they hit 80s, as the upheaval and shock can be overwhelming.

You need to tell him that whilst you love him and your mum very much, that you need to be where you are to ensure your career. You having no job and no income does not help them, and most certainly does not provide for you when you get to their age.

Sorry there is no magic wand to offer, but you ate not alone!
Big virtual hug ()
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You are old enough to tell them leaving your good job and future is not an option. It is wonderful you are willing to help but at this time of your life, you would pay dearly and possibly never recover.

I hate sounding harsh but your Father is being very selfish and unfair to both you and your Mother. He is the one on the edge of elder abuse. You are in no way responsible for his decisions. I don't understand why your siblings can't help out....unless Dad has tried to control them and they stay away to protect their own families.

You can go visit for a couple days a month but do not put your job in jeopardy by taking time off from work.

In a perfect world, you and your siblings should sit down and make hard decisions now as to what the future will be for your parents. If parents can participate, great but your Dad doesn't sound like a team player. Do any of you have POA for the parents and MPOA? Are the wills in place?

Having them move closer would only make you more responsible and your Dad more in control of your time. My heart aches for you knowing for whatever reason this seems to have fallen on your shoulders; where it does not in anyway belong! Be strong and please know at your age, you must build the foundation of your career and personal life. Sometimes those opportunities only come around once. Best of luck to you.
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My thoughts are that you are too young to give up your life to be your mother's caregiver. You are at an age where you need to be building your own career and family. If you were to leave, you would probably never recover socially or financially. Your suggestion of having them move near you sounds like the best one to me. But I know some people can't be pried out of their houses, even with a shoe horn. The only advice I have is to let them know the options that work for you. Your father is probably just worried and not thinking of the effects that giving up everything and moving home would have on you. I hope you can work things out.

Is the brain tumor operable or shrinkable? Or will it become worse with time?
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