I am 64 and my mother is 82-I recently moved to the area she lives in. She lives by herself in a retirement community. She is selfish, controling and is alway lying. Now she is always been this way but getting worse. I am trying to help her but when I do -she says I need to mind my own business. If I cant go take her someplace she pitches a fit like a 5 year. Please someone give me some advice. I have seen therapists in the past and all told me I needed to divorce her. Not sure I can because of guilt and also thinking about my dad-who died four years ago-he loved her even though she was awful to him. Please what should I do
10 years is a long time in hell to allow someone like her to invade one's family. I know for my wife did that in relation to her own mother which made me feel less than married and more like a single parent. After my 10 years in hell, I was burned out from being so patient and frankly too good of a Christian. I set some boundaries with my wife concerning her mother since she would not set any boundaries about her mother. It was tough, but over time and with some therapy life did get better. I'll say this from that experience. You and your husband need to become a united team in having boundaries with your mother. How in the world has he tolerated her?
My wife used to try to explain her mother's behavior until she started treating our children like she had done to her and her twin sister as a child. One thing she needed and you may need to was getting therapy to learn to detach from her codependent enmeshement with her mother and get some freedom from those buttons of Fear, Obligation and Guilt that her mother placed in her long ago as a child.
Your setting limits on her hurts in part because you have not used your emotional boundary muscles and they are sore from having to work. Don't give up the battle to get your freedom and your family their freedom by these boundaries. Your mother has trained you to feel responsible for how she feels and covering for her to hide her meanness from your husband shows how enmeshed you have become. Thus, another reason it hurts it the pain of separating yourself from her. Not having boundaries with someone like her only serves to enable their behavior. Plus, boundaries are not as much about changing them as it is about protecting you.
You did not make your mother the way she is. You can't change or fix her. Nor can you control her. All you can really do is choose a healthier path for yourself via boundaries and let the rest fall where it may while you stay the course of your healthy boundaries.
Please hold fast to your boundaries. Know that you have done nothing wrong. Go and see a therapist to free yourself from those buttons of fear, obligation and guilt (F.O.G.). I wish you well.
Did you ever report your mom's texting about ways to hill your dad? She should have been reported for that definitely sounds like someone who is a danger to others. You are dealing with a very sick and mean person who wants to absorb you into their darkness and she will destroy you and your family if you let her.
Example: I bring in her dinner tray - teriyaki glazed salmon, stir-fried vegetables, scalloped potatoes, tea & dessert (pretty good, right?) Her question is "Are you having this for supper too?" The REAL question is: Are you having the same thing for supper that I'm getting or something else?"
Another: as I take in the breakfast tray: "Are you going to have some coffee?"
REAL question: "Did you already have your coffee? That means you got up earlier than I did so you could have yours before I got MINE......" It's always a fact-finding mission or a fishing expedition.
These aren't the greatest but here's one from today: how you answer will help save your sanity. The comment: "You're in and out that bathroom like it has a revolving door on it! Why do you need to go to the bathroom so much?" OK, first of all why is it your damn business anyway? Second, my usual answer to this (because I've been asked it maybe 125 times) is - I drink a lot of water. That meets with skepticism or a "you must have diabetes - you need to get that looked after" Oh you mean run to the dr., for every little ailment like you do?
So I tried addressing it with "Why are you making that your issue?" Or "I don't think that's any of your concern" or "Why would you possibly be interested in how many times I go to the bathroom?"
But when you do try those kinds of answers, you are belittled or criticized, or met with every defense she can come up with to put the onus on you.......you should only see how angry she gets when her best friend won't tell her where she has been, or other personal details.
You see, because of their haughty opinion of themselves, and their huge sense of entitlement, they honestly believe that they are privy to everyone else's business and have a RIGHT to know everything..........mine has to know where everyone is ALL the time and what they're doing!
NOTHING is sacred with these people!
Sometimes it takes us a while before we realize what is actually going on. I didn't need to read anything til my later years, since the whole family knew that only a boy was wanted, so at an early age I figured out that I might have been some kind of a mistake, and unwanted.
Plus, since my mother regaled anybody and everybody about the "nightmare of a labour" she went through, what they did to her was a crime, they let her go too long, etc. it didn't take a rocket scientist that she resented me from the beginning.......add that to the great rapport and joke-sharing sense of humour that I had with my father, and it was the perfect set-up for her and her narcissistic behaviour.
She has also told my two daughters that "I never wanted any children, I was forced to have them" (crap with a capital "C") and she told my older daughter that she was her favourite. This is classic N behaviour. Poor me, I'm the victim.....and you are better than your sister. ((GAG))
Since my sibling was almost 10 years younger than me he felt like a stranger to me, but that didn't stop her from using me to babysit and watch him all the time. I resented that, and him. I have consequently had a difficult relationship with him all my life and it is complicated by the fact that we are both damaged, damaged by her and her control, manipulation, conditioning and behaviour.
I'm sixty now, and she still treats me like a child -- HER child! To try to control and to get what she wants from me - complete compliance and servitude!!
What I get is "Oh I think I'll call Blanche today but she'll probably be out ....she has four boys and they do EVERYTHING for her......." She has told my cousin that my brother has done far more for her than I ever have - REALLY? He never calls her, she calls him, as often as she can. He doesn't come to see her except for maybe 2x a year, he might come and take her to his house for a holiday dinner and then bring her back in about 3 hrs. He makes sure to send birthday and mother's day cards though. So your "dearest sister" is my "dearest brother" -- if you have read the info on narcissism you will be familiar with what they call the "golden child". And that's why they defend them!
If I make the tiniest comment to her about "your son" - ie he doesn't call, he doesn't come over, etc., or do anything for you or pay toward your support, she jumps on that lika a Mexican jumping bean......I'll get "oh he's probably gone up north for the weekend" Oh really? Must be nice to have a life. Or it will be "well he works and you don't." Is that right? Who does EVERYTHING for her? and keeps this house running? and does all the meals and laundry?
I could go on but it is futile......they will have sympathy for the golden one but not for you. If I dare to say I'm tired, or make a complaint, "You shouldn't have bought such a big house.....you'll need to be working all the time" "I told you you don't need to babysit your granddaughter, especially for free"
WHY are these issues her business? Because she makes them so, that's why! And because her opinion counts more than anyone else's!! Now THAT'S narcissism!!
Ouch! That's not nice you poor thing!
I'm the only one who bothers taking care of my mother so I get the "where have you been" or the guilt-trip one "nobody's visited, nobody has rung me, nobody cares or someone dah...dah.." ...knowing that "nobody & someone" could only ever be me. Dearest sister would rather spend her money on bus fares to go to circus's, concerts or shopping trips then bus it over to her mother's place to help her out. My mother has been in her unit for a year now and up until 2mths ago, my sister had never been to her home. Even then she dragged along her daughters for a brief stay before heading off for another shopping spree. If I mention my sister's lack of input, our mother immediately defends her.
Not the answer I was hoping for either but we do get the one we need at the time.......and time will give us yet another answer in Sept. Thanks again for your concern.
I know that she does see a naturopathic every so often.
I honestly think that in the NM's case, age, narcissism and probably late-onset dementia account for their weird reasoning (or lack of it). Mine makes the most astounding conclusions out of her observations and they are VERY hard for me to follow - and not laugh at. If I go against or don't understand what she is saying she can become verbally abusive so I tend to play along. I could get "I thought you were smarter than that" "Don't be such a smart alec" "You sure can be stupid when you want to be" Nice, huh?
So if one sibling is doing very, very well, they are careful not to convey that to the other one, to protect them.
This is a very complex game they play and their "prize" is to be at the top and be privy to any secrecy or private info. My sibling got so fed up that he moved 200 miles away, changed his phone number and barely spoke to either of us in 12 yrs. That was very hurtful to me but I recognize that he is also a damaged person. He has clicked onto her games tho.
Don't feel too sorry for the brother - even though she is expecting a lot from him I bet she sees him as the "golden child" so he will be protected by her from the rest of you (this is how she sees it, not my opinion). If you can stick together that is great because you will all need each others' support.
I had my mother telling my cousin, her niece, that my brother "has done far more for me than SHE has". You can't even begin to imagine how that hurt.
Why should we be surprised, though, when these mothers (!! LOL) have played favourites all their lives, and one against the other?
I have often heard it said "sons are idolized, daughters are criticized". This sure is true in OUR cases.....
You'd wonder if they willingly do it to wound and hurt since words are their weapons and so is sarcasm/criticizing. Based on past experience, I am sure that this is true. Also, don't forget that their powers to manipulate are supreme so that fact that she is favouring your sister-in-law - they go where the sun shines for them.
Your statement "she is getting the attention she thinks she deserves" clues me in that you are well onto her narcissism!!
I wish you all the best and thanks again :o)
So bottom line, she didn't get the resolution she wanted (yet). It's annoying to her because she believed that all the symptoms she's experiencing are due to it but the surgeons say that could not be the case. Time will tell......it's in His hands. He always answers our prayers - perhaps not with the solution we WANT, but with the solution we NEED. How awesome is that?
Thanks to all of you for your care and concern -- much appreciated!!
Plus - ASympathiser: I have also discovered that our mothers can only react to what is happening to them, in that moment, or in the near future, hence your mother's concern about the nurse coming. I see that as they age (mine is almost 87) they lose their reasoning, logic and rationale so we have to be prepared for bumpy roads ahead!!
As for your mum...I'm aggitated just reading your posts, knowing exactly what you're having to deal with and your frustration at trying to explain it to those around you who cannot possibly understand what your going through without every having to deal with it themselves.
These people have no logic and little emotional attactment to anyone. For example....
I was recently bringing my mother home from a hospital stay and constantly searching for the right time on the journey home to tell her the sad news that her brother-in-law had died and a good friend of her sister-in-law's as well. It was bad enough having to break the news at a most vulnerable time and I was fretting all the way home. Did she notice my odd silence & behaviour? NOpe! Too busy carrying on about the transitional nurse waiting for her arrival home. Now I was thinking I'd tell the worst news last...kinda build up to the shock by telling her first about the SIL's friend (which by the way, was in no way her friend) and then lead in with the worst news, hoping she might handle it better that way.
Well, typical isn't it! They never do what you expect them to do because they just aren't normal people. She freaked about the SIL's friend and brushed off the death of her bro-in-law. I was totally flawed! For the life of me, I just cannot figure her out and I've given up trying to. Needless to say, it still gets to me every time. I go home ranting under my breathe and dread having to step through the door of my mother's place every time.
So, yes, I feel very sad & sorry for you. I know what it's like to give up resisting and finding the easier path to dealing with them, knowing it's going to make my life just that tad less stressful.
Keep us informed on your daughter please.
I wouldn't mind her coming into the kitchen for her meals, however, everything has to be put away because she is extremely nosy and will have to comment on every single thing that is laying around "whose bank statement is that? is that mine? why is someone opening MY bank statement?" "I don't like that chair over there, I would have put it somewhere else - it doesn't go there" (never mind that it's my home, my decorating taste, whatever.......) Everything and anything is fair game. So it's easier for me to just have her eat in her room because I don't want everything examined and scrutinized. She has taught us that this is the way to treat her by past experiences.
I will plan something and there always has to be sabotage on their part. If I complain about it, I get "It's not my fault, I told you about this last week, I had nothing to do with it," etc. There is always a shirking of responsibility and a failure to take any blame because they see themselves as beyond that.
You also have to be very careful because they think they are beyond the law. Nothing is done right, according to them. But when they want to use the law to THEIR advantage, that is a different story.
The television is always on at full volume, but "there must be something wrong with your hearing - you need to have that checked" if you can't hear what she's saying. She will never do without or go without anything that she wants because that is considered "suffering" or "being deprived". She comes first in all situations.
Bottom line is: there is no winning except by her. These people live a parasitic life style feeding off those who are caregiving for them (often without proper compensation).
I hope you daughter is OK, let us know. Nothing worse in the world than worrying about a child. Take care
This morning I am getting ready to meet my daughter and take the bus downtown to a hospital so that we can meet with a panel of doctors to decide
whether or not my daughter must have surgery for a pituitary gland tumour. My mother was fully aware that I was going to be doing this today.
But because SHE wants to go to the hairdresser she throws a request at me as soon as I bring in the breakfast tray, shoving a piece of paper at me and demanding that I book a ride on the mobility bus for her.
She could have asked me to do this last night which would have been more convenient for me, but, because the narcissist is the centre of their world, she did not do so. I asked her why she didn't ask me to do this last night and she said "Oh, you would have just said no". How would you know that!!
So, here I am sitting on hold because she is too lazy to do it, it's easier to get someone else to do it - and I am consumed with worry over my daughter who may or may not need BRAIN SURGERY!!!
But she doesn't care.....her vanity comes first - and, of course, the bathing lady will be here just before I have to leave, and when I expressed some annoyance at that, she says "Well I don't see how that could possibly inconvenience YOU".
No, of course you don't!! Because it's all about you, and what YOU want.....it's your narcissistic selfishness that makes you think this way........you should be ashamed of yourself, and if your parents were still alive, they certainly would be.
I have booked the trip and of course, she had to come out of her room and into the kitchen to see if I was doing it. After I got off the phone I said to her, you spoke to my daughter last night, do you not understand the gravity of today's situation? She said, of course I spoke to her, I know what today is, I don't know what you're referring to......... Well isn't that convenient?
It would really help me if I could understand where they get this all-consuming sense of self-importance but I have read so much about narcissism now that it is becoming very clear to me. I call it the "Queen Elizabeth syndrome". It's all about her, what she wants, what she can make people do, power, control and YOUR submission to her. And then she has the nerve to say that I'm "mean and nasty" if she doesn't get what she wants!!
Your prayers would be appreciated .......
The damage they have done stays in your heart forever
There is a no win with your Mother. You must walk away. The guilt is part of who they are and what they do. They require a narcissistic supply and when she manipulates you she is getting her needs met. You don't mean anything to her (and i am not trying to be mean). Realizing that helped me.
I recently had an incident with my mother over a silly nothing. Just trying to help because she complains non stop. Because the incident made her "golden child" angry, she turned on me. I explained that mom, my brother and me need to talk to each other in a civil manner. I told her Dad had verbally abused us all and I just wasn't going to listen to that anymore. She, after 60 years of trashing my dad for everything under the sun, turns on me and says "he was pretty good to you", "don't know what you are complaining about." I was shocked.
She was angry at me and wanted to hurt me. She didn't hurt me, she pissed me off. She told me what she wants from me is to call her and "try and cheer me up." I told her it was not my job to make her happy.
I am disengaging from her. I want to read some of the comments from cmagnum about disengaging. I have had it. You will eventually get there because there is no winning with these crazy people. Save Yourself!
Shame you don't work in aged care like I do, as I know plenty of darling elderly ladies that would so love that corsage and a Mothers Day hug. I also imagine there'll be many Mum's who would give their eye teeth for a daughter like you on Mum's day.