Gospelgirl223 Asked July 2015
How to deal with grocery shopping issues?
Follow
Share
Read More Close
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
71 Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- Difficult thing to admit....Has anyone here had the stress of caregiving destroy their marriage?
- Am I being out of order saying I will be present with all conversations?
- I can't care for my Mother on weekends and my siblings are forcing me. Any advice?
- Where is there support for spouses who are losing their mate to dementia?
Ask a Question
(We had a friend who complained about the brand of SELTZER we bought. Really, it's fizzy water!)
As to the grocery shopping, o boy, have I been there. I can promise you, do this : Pick up your phone to auntie, and say, with firmness, "I have exactly this and this on my list. This brand, this size, I will be in here for fifteen minutes and then I'm leaving." I'm serious. Put your foot down. Bless your heart. I feel for you.
Dad would get his cart and go off to where ever in the store, and I would follow Mom so I could help her find things and reach for stuff on the shelves. By the end Mom's cart had a lot of things in it, mine was almost empty. If I stopped to look for something for myself, Mom would be out of my sight.
When it was time to check out, Mom was ready to go... but I had to find Dad in the store, definitely it wasn't "it's a small world".... around and around the store I would go looking up and down the aisles. Then start over again. Usually Mom would disappear because she got worried about Dad, now both are missing :P
We stopped going to Wal-Mart because of that reason, the store was too darn big.
At the start of this year, now I just get their list for Target. I know they really miss those trips, but their age has caught up with them. If we went every other day and they bought a couple of items that would work for them, but it would be too exhausting for me :(
When I moved her nearby, I went to the store for her. Every time it was wrong even if it was exactly what she had requested. She would get so angry over it too. It was dementia and unmanaged mental illness.
I did have to put in boundaries and make it known that I wasn't going every time she thought of a single item. I was going to do her shopping at the same time as mine, on a weekend day of my choosing. I also reminded her she had 20 meals/month in the dining room and was not going to starve to death.
I noticed that she wasn't actually consuming all the things we brought her, and she was requesting more of it over & over. All she was really eating was ice cream, yogurt, & cheese sticks. Fresh items were rotting in the fridge, unused. She wanted ridiculous things too, like really infrequently used things to bake with. Her oven had been turned off at the breaker. She wasn't going to bake. I never said that. I just said the store was out and took the heat for it.
I would bring her cooked meals I made at home, and she wouldn't touch any of it, or she was eating it unheated. I walked in on her trying to eat an uncooked chicken biscuit right out of the freezer.
These were some of the changes that prompted us to put her on the waiting list for assisted living vs. independent living. When you can't feed yourself anymore, or understand how to walk 10 steps down the hall to the meal, it's time for more help.
Just getting out, seeing the vast array of things in the store, and just as importantly, making one's own selections....these things can be restorative. At the age our parents are, how often do they really get to make choices of their own?
Just getting out of the house can be liberating! So now we make it an event, and stop by the Dairy Queen afterward to reward ourselves. Sitting outside, watching the clouds drift by and feeling the hopefully soft breeze makes the day more worthwhile to both of us.
Sure, things are bought that aren't used. Sometimes you can sneak them aside and return them on your next solo trip. Or donate them to one of the post office's food drives, or to a local church's food pantry.
Generally these kind of services are much, much cheaper than a taxi service, and the drivers provide assistance as well, such as helping bring the groceries up to the house (at least they do in my area). Many of these buses are lift equipped, so drivers are accustomed to assisting passengers if necessary.
http://mhcc.maryland.gov/consumerinfo/longtermcare/TransportationAssistance.aspx
You might also check with the local transit agency to see if they have door to door pickup. It's only $1 in our area and might be very helpful for you - it's almost like a personal taxi but a lot cheaper! It could be called Dial-A-Ride, Small Bus, or Connector Service. Different transit authorities have different descriptions.
I think it would be just so much easier, convenient and cheaper than a regular taxi, although it would be for a one destination ride, such as to the grocery store and return only.
Windy, MOW was also rejected until a visiting home care nurse made it clear that it wasn't an option! Sometimes elders listen to medical people before they'll listen to their adult children. Or they might even listen to neighbors before their adult children.
Time to fess up I think. I on line shop for the most part - it is much more expensive than going shopping the way I used to but it is done in a one at a time that suits me. I book an afternoon delivery always or an evening one with very good reason. Then I lie (yeah yeah OK tell me you have never told a lie) Mum still thinks I go and do the shopping and thatchy then deliver it - I don't care if that's wrong I get 2 hours tops to myself to go and have a coffee/to find a present for Mums birthday (sic) to have my hair cut to shoot the breeze with a friend face to face rather than on the phone.
I know lying is wrong but heavens if it gets me some well deserved break then I will continue to lie - it's only once a fortnight so its not like I got out every day (I wish)
Anywho, we have a Whole Food Market a bit down the road, and I bought my parents some ground beef for hamburgers to try out.... they loved it, now my parents won't eat any other hamburger except organic :)
We are here, we've got her on our minds.
Make a plan to go the next day for a shorter time to pick up what was missed.
Buy supplies, cleaning supplies, and T.P. one trip, buy just food next trip.
Go more often, take more taxi's, have the taxi-driver put the groceries away, then come back and pick you up, after your hair appointment.
Taxi is at the aunt's expense, please. It's going to cost her more if she's mean.
First, they won't even discuss it, and when I checked into it, thinking I'd just sign them up amy d*mn how, there's a huge waiting list, funding cut, all that crap in WV. Thanks for the replies, but where is gospel girl? Are you out there?
When circumstances such as living situation/housing, finances, job, and family obligations prevent you from breaking free, or taking advice to help yourself in a constructive way, then you will need help to cope through this. It is very good that you were persistent enough to ask us for what you need, in spite of past criticisms. In the future, if you feel the answers are not for you, do what people in the twelve step programs do: 1) take what you want, leave the rest. 2) keep coming back, it works.
It appears that you are walking on eggshells, and cannot do anything right. No one can live under your aunt's unrealistic demands and not get some kind of shellshock after an extended time. No one! I would be amazed if you weren't constantly shaking while waiting for her next tirade to belittle you.
If you keep coming to this thread you just posted about shopping, people will read this and be able to offer better advice without you sharing too many details or being put on the defensive. I'm just guessing, but you might be so very tired of explaining and being judged, found lacking by others.
Your aunt may be afraid to be alone. If you can go shopping when someone is there, that would help, then, you could first follow the advice about not answering the cell phone. Let her leave messages that you can show her family. If you get really courageous, look her in the eye on your way out the door, tell her not to call, and place your cell phone in front of her. (Always making sure she has someone else to call, of course.) Tell her when you will be home. This may sound mean, as a tactic to reclaim your boundaries, only you will know. But, dear girl, you need to survive this caregiving role and you don't deserve to be beat up. It is perfectly normal to need help. Please check back often, let your friends here know if something has worked, or just to ask more questions. We've got your back!
Don't be ashamed to ask for help. Be sure to buy chocolate, or have it delivered, that too was a good suggestion, I thought. Delivery and chocolate has helped me in the past. People can even order greens/fruits/vegetables online. Take care.
The abuse from your aunt is not true, none of what she says is the truth. Do not believe those lies.
I used a grocery deliver service while we had 4 kids at home and I had a full time job. Awesome! I highly recommend it (unless you are one of those shop-till-ya-drop people who loves wandering aisles.)
Gospelgirl223 I can kind of sympathize with Aunty. I suspect that what she is complaining about is "this is one more area of my life where I've lost control! I wish I could push a cart down that aisle and see what the choices really are! I wish I could be independent again."
Aunty's comments to you are very rude. I suspect she is losing some of her social filters, and I'd cut her some slack. Don't Take it Personally! As Windy says, ignore her BS. Or agree with her. "Yes, it is really disgusting how often these manufacturers change their packaging! It was hard to even find this!" If she needs some way to express her dissatisfaction with her limitations, feel free to join in.
Yeah right, after an hour I will find them in Aisle 5 with 20 more aisles to go :P
I appreciate FFs suggestion about on line shopping. I may start using that in the future. I know your frustration. My Dad will only eat my Moms cooking, such as it is, and even that is not good enough anymore. His dementia is screwing up his taste. No matter what I buy or cook, or micro, it's just not quite right.
I just tune him out. He still eats enough to stay healthy and I'm not going to argue if he doesn't like my pot roast. I think you should do the same with Aunty. She probably has no idea how good she has it with you taking care of her. Don't fight with her but don't let her make you her punching bag. Go to the store, turn off the phone, go home, put the groceries away and ignore her BS. You know, we know, and the guy up if heaven knows how hard you work to keep her safe and healthy. Don't let her get to you.
Sounds like your mother is well organized as well - knowing the layout of the store.
Since Dad began Meals on Wheels, there hasn't been as much spontaneous grocery shopping, so that's made it a lot easier.
Now that Dad is going the grocery list because Mom's eyesight is so bad, the list is a bit of a mess. He never paid any attention to where stuff was in any store except Home Depot :P
Peapod on-line warehouse layout is different... don't have the energy to learn that one.
When my sig other and I delivery the groceries, I will take a quick scan mentally of what Mom has in the freezer, refrig, and the cereal cabinet. I see that Dad has 6 boxes of Raisin Bran so no more even if he circles it on the list. And Mom has 4 cartons of ice cream, ok, scratch that for the next couple of weeks.
This is so hard trying to keep up supplies for TWO households. Dad waits until he gets the very last drop of toothpaste before he orders a new tube.... [sigh].