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Both parents actually got easier once they had alzheimer's. I enjoyed them much more.
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It's a tough thing to handle. I had a MIL who ignored me, got angry when I washed her silverware before using because there were roaches in the drawer, I usually had to take food or go to the store. There were times she lived on cheat hot dogs and cheap cake mix. She saved money and then her kids would end up with it. She insulted my cooking, ( "I made that cake a while back and it was better than this"). Etc. She wouldn't turn up the heat when I or my kids were cold and in summer would turn on the window air conditioner when my husband insisted, but then turn it off if he left the house. After 21 years of that, I just refused to go anymore and subject my kids to her. A couple years later I divorced her son, and though he was diagnosed as extreme narcissistic, (by a doctor) he did do more than I thought he would for her.

As others have said, we should have put our foot down in the beginning or else avoided them!

Looking back to the 80's when I broke away I can only say I don't regret trying to be good to her all those years, my consience is clear. Had I stayed in that family I KNEW I would be the one to take care of her in the end. She went to a nursing home finally. Hubby's new mate avoided her too.

Best of luck. I agree that you should make it clear from the start that they are not going to "use" you after how they've treated you. They will, no doubt forget the reason. Narcissists never take the blame for their mistakes. Sorry......
Try not to blame yourself, as someone said, "they were mean people".
Hugs
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my MIL even wrote in a letter several yrs ago(to her sister) that she never liked me. I was the 1 who insisted we should move back to fla to be near our aging parents. my MIL even moved in with us(built cottage next to house) an dI took care of her daily with medical needs. then she exploded, screaming at me, accusing me of all sorts of horrible deeds.(in front of husband-only child) I walked out after saying "have a nice life". had very little contact, just pleasant when I did see her(hard to do when you life 20 feet away! huysband has had to take over and take her to dr's and hair dresser, meds, etc. certainly helped my life. now she has been in nursing home since sept after passing out and falling. I would visit with my husband after church on sunday, but stopped that now after having my 1st ever operation for melanoma, followed a month later for breast cancer. now going thru radiation treatment aftr lumpectomy. she has mercer and I told my husband, I will not venture into NH. do not need the stress or exposure-so for me, live is good now. my husband understands my health is most important now. he visits her regularly for only a few minutes. I wait in car after church and she knows and tells him to hurry on because I am in car. don't know if she finally realizes what she created-she is lonely, but she created it.
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My in-laws are the same. Sorry you had the identical detrimental relationship. After 40 years of compromising, I gave up. They no longer exist in my mind. Burden gone.
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My in-laws are the same. Sorry you had the identical detrimental relationship. After 40 years of compromising, I gave up. They no longer exist in my mind. Burden gone.
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Hi Ink ...
Have to ask ... are your in-laws of the Italian persuassion? Not meant to offend anyone that is but just know from personal experience that while not as horrible as your FIL my FIL (deceased now) was a real treat too and very similar ... Hate to talk poorly about the deceased and also of the Italian nationality but he was a real pip when it came to "who he was in the pecking order" He ate steak and the kids ate hot dogs ... he hid cookies that were all for him and no one else (he got diabetese a payback?) He said no and it was no ... I remember dating my husband ... when they found out I wasn't Italian they were besides themselves but learned to deal with it. THEN 17 years later they got what they always wanted an Italian DIL ... Talk about "becareful what you wish for because you might get it" deal ... and boy oh boy did they get it ... She was and still is a total nut case and has cause them huge amounts of grief ... While I the non-Italian DIL they would rave about to anyone that would listen ... Problem with that is I was no good until they knew me ... then I was a gem ... Thing with me is I know how to tolerate ... even if I don't like ... and I tolerated them both well ... in fact I tolerated them so well even my husband thought we were all hunky dorey! He was a tyrant ... treated his wife my MIL like a slave ... Told her what to cook every morning before leaving for work ... and boy it better be on the table and waiting for him when he got home and he was not as bad as his father was! She handled no money and had no clue about what they had in the bank. Now his father was 100 times worse that guy used to get sponge bathed by his wife (I would have drowned him). One of my friends after metting my FIL for the first time said thank God your husband is nothing like his father ... he would never have made it in life. I remember once my FIL and I had words ... and he said that he and I could never have been married ... to which I replied sure we could have ... I just would have been a bride and a widow all in one day!

Also them with an only son ... thats like a red flag with the Italians ... (for what I've experienced) Seems to me that the oldest or the only get to take care of them no matter what ... its just exected of them. Only thing that can get in the way of that plan is yours truly aka the wife.

I'd say keep your distance ... why make yourself sick ... its not worth it ... Drop it all in your husbands lap and let him deal with it ... Trust me once you wash your hands of it your husband won't be far behind ... Men like in child birth and caring for parents just can't take it!
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