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Reading your post could not have come at a better time...
My story in a nutshell:
I left my business (was an Architect) and moved back home when my drug addicted brother got cancer and instead of him surviving the 3 to 6 moths the Doctors said, he lived almost 2 years.
I took care of him and made sure he was in want on nothing which kept me from working the whole time and essentially brought my life's savings to ZERO.
Well, after my brother passed my Dad asked I move in with them (my Mom had a stroke in 2000 and is totally unable to take care of herself- paralyzed and in diapers). Although I had spent most every weekend taking care of my Mom to give Dad a break, I was familiar with what he was asking- to totally and completely give up my life and business and savings and identity...
So I did it.
And now I am in a torrent of depression and bankruptcy and close to wanting to end my own life...is this what one owes ones family? Really?
Unfortunately I am a gay man, 49 years old, and everyone expects that since I do not have "a life" or a family of my own I should sacrifice everything for my parents.
Is this what it comes down to?
I am shocked how life has unfolded due my inability to say "no" to my family.
I am ready to end it-
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Reading your post could not have come at a better time...
My story in a nutshell:
I left my business (was an Architect) and moved back home when my drug addicted brother got cancer and instead of him surviving the 3 to 6 moths the Doctors said, he lived almost 2 years.
I took care of him and made sure he was in want on nothing which kept me from working the whole time and essentially brought my life's savings to ZERO.
Well, after my brother passed my Dad asked I move in with them (my Mom had a stroke in 2000 and is totally unable to take care of herself- paralyzed and in diapers). Although I had spent most every weekend taking care of my Mom to give Dad a break, I was familiar with what he was asking- to totally and completely give up my life and business and savings and identity...
So I did it.
And now I am in a torrent of depression and bankruptcy and close to wanting to end my own life...is this what one owes ones family? Really?
Unfortunately I am a gay man, 49 years old, and everyone expects that since I do not have "a life" or a family of my own I should sacrifice everything for my parents.
Is this what it comes down to?
I am shocked how life has unfolded due my inability to say "no" to my family.
I am ready to end it-
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Wayne2848, are you saying that people who don't have a life should sacrifice their non-life to the service of family members?

WHAT?!

In the first place, what on earth do you mean that you don't have a life? You don't have a wife and 2.3 kids and a cocker spaniel so your life doesn't count? Who told you that? That is just crazy.

Twelve years ago you agreed to totally and completely give up your life and business and savings and identity. WHAT?!!

Wow! Where did you get these ideas that your are not a valuable unique individual with a right to a life of your own?

Well, never mind where you got them, because they are WRONG.

I don't know who these people are who expect that you should sacrifice everything for your parents, but believe me, it is NOT "everyone." What kind of parents expect this kind of sacrifice?

Here is the good news, though. You don't need to end it ... you just need to change it. And that will be a LOT OF WORK. Working to change things will be your life, at least for a while. Are you in counselling now? I can't imagine taking on the hard work of turning your life around without help and support.

You may have another 30 or 40 or even 50 more years to discover/build/celebrate your own life. You matter. You count. Your life is important.

Please, please post again and tell us that you are going to start down the hard but rewarding path of reclaiming your life.
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The original post was 2008, I wonder whatever happened to Jett and her situation?
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Wayne, I didn't hear you say you were sorry you ever took care of your brother. Or you were sorry for helping your dad. So if you're not sorry that you stepped up to the plate, then you did the right thing. Was it hard? Oh my gosh, of course it was hard, stuff that's worth it usually is right? If your brother died alone with no one to take care of him and your career soared, would you be happy now? Doubtful. You'd probably be riddled with guilt I figure. Reach out to an agency or someone that will help you so you can get yourself out of this funk. You're probably tired and burned out, and in need of help. But please don't get yourself all depressed and suicidal for doing the right thing. You will never look back and say 'I could've helped, but didn't'. Leave that to those who COULD'VE helped, but DIDN'T.
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Wayne: I'm with Jeanne 100%. Honey, you need to save your life, not end it. It's not unfortunate that you are a gay man. Doesn't mean that you can't have a life partner and find happiness and someone to share it with. Please do not say that your life is a throw away life. It's not. Your sibs have every bit as much responsibility toward their parents as you do. Sexuality has nothing to do with it.
Their personal fulfillment is not more important that yours.

Look, you are a good, compassionate, talented man. You have dug a big hole for yourself and now it is time to start climbing out of that hole. Please call your local Area on Aging and your local Department of Social Services. Find out what resources are available for your folks. You do this, you are a smart, creative, patient man. Get to it.

It's better to meet with people face to face whenever possible. Please start taking some steps to get your parents placed or get them the in-home care that they need.

Start looking for jobs and get back into the world. Life is out there and it is waiting for you to believe in it.

This will be a journey for you to reclaim your life and live it for all it's worth. Don't give in to despair. Please stay in touch. Sending you lots of love and hugs and wishing for your happiness. Cattails
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To Jeanne and Nancy- thank you both so very much for your responses to my post. Timely and thoughtful and so much appreciated.
I can not figure out how to send a private message so I am posting here.
You words of encouragement made me take a second look at what is going on and I am in the process of getting myself help.
Very often the isolation of these situations is dangerous and I have to thank you both again for taking the time to write.
I will figure out how to use this site as I want to know more about other folks challenges so as not to assume I am so alone.
Wayne
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And i forgot to mention the insight "Cattails" offered me- your words too encouraged me to get help...many, many, many thanks for taking the time to help me see I do not need to see the world in such black and white terms.
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I take my mother who is 84 to all her doctors appts, I get her groceries, take out her garbage and my 15-year-old daughter helps her with laundry and housework when she can. I also do her bank deposit runs and whatever mail delivery she has because everything is deemed an urgent emergency. She is of sound mind, and beyond eye sight issues and arthritis, she is fine however her mental wellbeing comes into play...she goes to the doctor and complains because he doesn't do a pelvic exam or have her unbutton her blouse to take her blood pressure...she is a chronic complainer and is constantly watching neighbours, reporting what they are doing, when they are doing it, and what is wrong with what they do....financially she is set for life with no debts or mortgage and lives in her own home, however, she freaks if a loaf of bread is over 2.00...her groceries are never right....too small, wrong colour label, and god help us if the store is out of an item.....I recently ended up feeling really sick finding out I may have cancer so I had to move her regular checkup over 2 weeks while I attend a scan needed to see how sick I really am...the doctor tells me my issue results from too much stress and not taking care of myself....well that went over well and met with sarcasm , as well as her letting me know her condition is worse than mine is...my mother has shown no concern about if I am going to be okay, her only response was to ask who will do her garbage now and until I drop I am expected to continue on regardless of how really sick I am these days..I took her to a family funeral a while back and she freaked at me for leaving her alone for a moment in the crowd while I stopped to speak with someone I had not seen in years, because the funeral home attendant had to show her where the bathroom was....the only time she was okay was when a group of relatives went over and surrounded her to make a fuss and tell her how wonderful she looks....if that doesn't happen, well everyone is horrible and has issues and the event was not carried out well enough....every conversation is centered around the pills she takes, her bowel movements and any other subject outside of those 2 topics is not allowed...I make a low wage and need every dollar I can get, and she is not happy if I cannot afford to take time off work without pay, even though my boss would fire me for doing so, so I can take her on bank runs or appointments...I have noticed when she has gone with me and I mentioned to her how well she navigates with her walker that suddenly she is too weak to go...the walker was a fight because she expects my daughter or son to take her by one arm while she hangs onto mine and we basically carry her in so others can see how elderly and disabled she is....I have carpal tunnel and lack strength so catching her if she falls is a risk...she watches me wince in pain if I try to help her and she tells me to toughen up....she could manage a medical driver if it became absolutely necessary but she refuses....I do not mind helping her, I love her and she is my mother, however, she flips out if she rings my phone and I am not there to answer it because I am at work...I got her lifeline and she refuses to use it, she feels I should be on call 24/7 to drop everything and run as soon as she calls, and even then there are the guilt trips that if she fell or died nobody would find her for days because I am not available enough...phoning her 3-4 times a day to ensure she is okay and so she doesn't get lonely isn't enough and if she doesn't answer it's because she is outside in her backyard, but yet she claims she cannot navigate.....on top of it alI I am also a full time caregiver to an autisic son, an adhd daughter and I work 40 hours a week....I can barely make it through an 8 hour day at work currently, and she expects me to consume my whole weekend with her....all of the people hired to do yard work have walked off and not gone back...she is weak but not too weak to go out and yell at them for doing it wrong, and she has gone through countless people who are hired to do her housework...she wants them on their hands and knees to wash her barely used floor with 2 layers of cleaner and 2 layers of rinse and it has to take 3 hours or it is not done properly....my sister walked away and will not speak to her now with a warning I watch out because the stress of dealing with her would end up making me really ill like it did her....she has announced since she pays people to do yard work and chores she can not do, she has the right to tell them how to do it because she wants it done a certain way but no matter how they do something it always falls short....then there is the poor neighbour whom is "doing drugs"...he ended up putting up a high wood fence and dark shades on his windows when he realized she was watching his yard and looking in his windows....my mother is a nightmare to deal with and the only word to describe her is selfish.....I talk to her brother-in-law often because he knows what she is like and understands...she refused to attend her 11 sibling's funerals and when her last sibling died she deemed it "ridiculous" when her husband of 60 years had a tribute to his wife he loved done and a funeral....my father was the opposite but died way too young and everyone adored him....anyhow, I had to unload because at this point I am thinking a retirement residence is in order, however, unless she agrees we can't force her there....I am a single mother who has no social life or friends and if something happens I do end up really sick short of my teenagers, including the one with autism, I have nobody, so I worry about what a burden I will become for them .
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Caregiver 1963: You have two choices; Let your selfish mom run you into the ground OR Start saying NO. You have an obligation to care for your children and your self first.

Since your mother is financially set, she can afford to have people do her yard, housework and laundry. If she runs them off, then her yard, housework and laundry will not get done. That's her choice and she can live with it.l

If you want to do her grocery shopping, then you do it once a week when you do your own shopping. She can make a list and give it to you over the phone. One trip per week, that's it. If she wants more than that, then she should hire an agency care giver who will run her errands and do her shopping mid week or as often as she likes. She can pay them for their time.

How is it that you can take her to all her doc appointments without losing time from work? Since she is mentally sharp and there's not much wrong with her at this stage, is it necessary that you be there? Again, a caregiver can take her.

I think you have to tell her that your doctor says that you have your own health issues and you need to put them at the top of your priority list along with your children. Of course, she will not like this because she does not seem to care about you or your well being. Again, that is her problem, not yours. If she says her condition is worse than yours, tell her that your children do not have another mother to care for them, so you have to take care of yourself. Don't debate it with her. Give an honest simple answer and be prepared to stand by it. End of discussion.

I know all of this is easier said that done, but what other choice do you have. None. Set a time on the weekend to come and see her. Stick with that schedule. No more than a 2 hour visit on the weekend. You and your kids have a life and a house to clean and laundry to do and homework that needs to be addressed. Your children need you to see them and participate in their lives.

I'm not saying you can't go over a cook a meal once a month and have a family dinner with her. Maybe you can even get your sister to join all of you if boundaries are firm, but you have to decide what works for your life and stick by it.

In the process, agree with your mom that if she falls and can't get to a phone, then it is likely she will be on the floor for some time without assistance. It would, therefore, be in her best interest to use the life alert system. Again, her choice.

You can throw however much kindness into this as you feel from time to time, but you must make a choice about your life also. Just like your mother, it's your choice. If you can't be an advocate for yourself, then you are doomed because no one else is going to do it for you.

Stop worrying about being a burden to you children and start being part of their lives. I am hoping that you do not have a serious illness, but I can't control that and neither can you. This should be a wake up call to you to enjoy the health you do have and that you must find ways to keep it. That again is your choice.

I know this sound harsh and blunt, but I don't know what else to offer you. If you want change, you have to make it happen. Your mom will be unhappy and angry, but that is nothing new. She can afford to get the help she needs. You have to provide for your children. Maybe you should also consider counseling.

Sending you encouragement and best wishes. Please let us know how things proceed. I hope you can learn to reclaim your life. Hugs, Cattails
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Cattails I know you are right, but in the beginning it was enjoyable, however over time her nasty side came out which everyone seems to indicate they encounter after a while...I was fine until she started yelling, swearing, banging her fist and throwing down items....I have to take care of myself or I wont be here, and yes I do feel she could go with a volunteer driver however she is of the mindset everyone must see her family take care of her or what would they think of our family....I have mentioned it to her family doctor who really has no concern since he is not involved in the situation...I just pray I do not turn into her as I get older with my kids....I have been conditioned during my life to put others first so now I have to train myself into another mode of thinking and that can be a difficult thing to do....
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oh Cattails I forgot to mention, I work evenings so it leaves me mornings for appts, even though it does not go over well because it is not a "good time for her", which is another problem, she expects me to make appointments when it is good for her with no consideration to anyone else
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Caregiver1963: It doesn't matter when your mom wants her doc appointments. If you are going to take her then it needs to be at a time when you are available. Otherwise, a caregiver can take her at a time that best suits her.

I know it is hard for you to make changes, but it is the only way anything will get better for you. You have to say no, suggest alternatives and stick by your guns. Your mom's thinking is so screwed up. You are her daughter who has an autistic child and another child with ADHD and you are their soul support. But she thinks that it looks bad if you and not taking care of her. What looks and is bad is that your mom can make other arrangements and give you space to tend your children and keep your sanity, but no that doesn't work for her. Well, that is sick thinking. Please don't buy into it. You know better. No one but you can act on what you know is right. Your choice. Sending you hugs, Cattails
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Caregiver1963, you cannot control your mother. You can not reform her. You cannot fix her. She is who she is (and it sounds like that is a pretty unpleasant person to be around).

You can, however, control your own actions. And that turns out to be a pretty powerful ability, if you do it with some thought.

You can say, "I am available to take you to appointments between x and y. If you need appointments outside of that window, please make other arrangements." AND STICK TO IT!

You can say, "I am not available for telephone calls between x and y. If you have an emergency, please use your lifeline button." And you can check caller ID and DO NOT ANSWER HER CALLS BETWEEEN THOSE HOURS.

You can leave her alone for a while at a family event. You've already heard all her bowel and pill stories -- let her find a new audience.

You can realize that if she freaks out at your reasonable behavior, if she goes ballistic, if she gets sarcastic, if she is unhappy ... the world as we know it will not end. Her unhappiness is her problem, not yours. (Repeat the "Not My Problem" mantra as needed.) She gets unhappy when you will not take unpaid time off for her benefit? You are in control. You make your decisions. You cannot control her reaction. She doesn't like it? Tough cookies!

You can let her handle her domestic help as she sees fit ... and to suffer the consequences of a very high turnover rate. You can realize that this is Not Your Problem.

Yes, your life is VERY stressful! And as far as I can see, there is only one person who can change that. You! Your autistic child cannot reduce your stress level. Your boss and your banker are unlikely to reduce it. You mother most certainly is not going to care two figs (or even one fig) about your stress level. So if you want less stress, let go of all the MANY things that are Not Your Problem but that you are so fussed over. Set boundaries with your negative mother and ENFORCE them.

What I'm suggesting is a huge change for you, and changes are often very hard. Perhaps some of the time you are going to no longer devoting to your mother's unreasonable demands you could get some counseling to support you in taking charge of your life.

PS ... give your sister's advice serious consideration.
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Caregiver1963, I have to agree with cattails, not just because I think she's awesome either ;-). A little "tough-love" is very necessary here, otherwise you're mother may be attending your funeral next. It's not going to be easy and she's very likely to get worse before she finally starts to understand how it is. You NEED to stand up to her and let her know she can't push you around anymore, because she's only going to end up pushing you away in the end. If you don't, she'll only push you into the ground and that's not fair to you and especially not fair to your children.
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Wow, just thinking about all of you -- sending my compassion and my admiration.

My mother just died this summer, leaving behind my father who has Alzheimer's. Now, he is very, very dependent on me. Insisting that I fly 3,000 miles to take him to doctors' appointments when I cannot afford to do so. I have one child in college and another in high school and my husband often travels for his work.

My father has stated that he wants to move in with me, but his rages are entirely too much. He harbors various paranoias about people stealing from him. Though he certainly has means, no one has been misappropriating any funds. But he'll call me on the phone, raging over the $30,000 my mother's funeral cost. "No, Dad, her funeral did not cost $30,000; it cost $10,000." "You're lying to me!" "Dad, I'm telling you the truth! I watched you write the check to the funeral home myself!" Just too much anger and distress and craziness.

My father's grandfather had Alzheimer's and my father always feared that he would end up this way. Just very, very sad for all of us. I pray to God that I never burden my own children in this way. Without abundant resources, the burden on the family is completely unsustainable. It truly becomes impossible to care for children and seniors with dementia at the same time. And I'm not really sure that society can afford to bear this burden through Medicare either. Those who bridge the gap are saintly grown children who are willing to sacrifice their own lives in service of those elderly who are only too willing to take, take, take. Is this really God's plan??? If the answer is yes, I just feel truly distraught.
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My Mom now lives with us. My husband and I retired after 25 years in the military and our kids are grown (they also now have moved here to be closer to us, not for us but for them really), and we moved where my Mom is to make sure she is cared for, but she is healthy and capable. I suggested that when she gets old she can live with us while we were remodeling our house and she took that and ran with it, turning it into her immediately moving in with us and taking over our house that we hadn't even gotten to live in yet. She is healthy and able to live on her own financially, she lives with us so HER life is easier. She does nothing to help out either with bills or cleaning of any kind and her whole attitude is that somehow she is more entitled to my life then I am now. She literally treats my Husband and I as servants and to make matters worse we now live in the basement of our own home because she insisted on having the master to herself! I regret moving closer to her in our retirement now and that is sad. She was never a good Mom to me as a kid but I really thought all of that was behind us and we could have some good years together now...not gonna happen and I resent the hell out of her more with each passing day. She is not only a real jerk in the way she treats us but she is a huge hypocrite with no reverse gear, and to make matters worse she talks crap about us behind our backs to the rest of the family. She insisted on moving in right away and not waiting until she was older and that should have been a red flag to me, but at the time I thought she is my Mom and if you can't trust your Mom who can you trust right? Well, turns out you can't trust anyone and Mom is a self-centered, shrewish user that it is becoming apparent doesn't even care about me as her kid, I am now just a sucker meal ticket ultimately and that is the saddest part of it all.
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I know what you mean when you say the "all about me" and the drama that goes with it. I have a sister in law that absolutely refuses to help care for her mother but still MIL talks about her like she is the greatest daughter that ever lived. She never talks about my hubby when he was a kid and the accomplishments that he has had over his life, and here we are taking care of her, giving up our lives. I'm sick of hearing about her daughter, if she cared she would be here helping that is why my screen name is where were they..when.
I'm sick of waiting hand and foot on someone that doesn't seem to care about my feelings. OOOH now it's all about me, but it hasn't been about me for at least 5 years and I'm just feeling DONE.
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EveBtheB......you live in the basement of a house you are paying for?
A For Sale sign would go up Monday morning and new living arrangements made immediately if this were happening to me. Sorry but I just cannot understand how this happens in families. I wish you all the very best.
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@Anonymous. One thing I did with my father who had dementia was that when he would try to get out of the house because something "snapped" in his brain he had to leave, one of the first things he ALWAYS did was get his wallet. That was part of his routine in normal life. I was so afraid that he'd lose his real driver's license, that I made a color copy of it and wrote on the back of it that he has dementia and he has wandered off with my contact information on it. This way it saved my dad from going on a huge rage about he couldn't have his wallet because he couldn't leave.

But instead of always arguing with him about leaving and where was he going, etc.... I would then hide his wallet. It would delay him long enough where something else would snap in his brain and he would get distracted doing something else. It took work, but once I figured out what it would take, it made that particular situation, sooooo much easier!

Then I remember when a couple stayed with him while I worked. My mom was in the hospital and dad could not be left alone and I needed to work. So I would have a couple who claimed to be family friends live with them during the daytime until I could get home from work. The friends "promised" me they would keep him on routine with meals, etc but they ended up really messing him up. My father was to the minute on his routine and when it got mucked up he was horrible!!!!!!!!!!!

Well after a almost a week of not sleeping and such because his routine was off, one day I decided I was going to move all the clocks ahead by 2 1/2 hours. I cannot express that no matter what else he could not remember, he still somehow knew his routine and time. It was the weirdest thing I've seen. But to get him back on track it was the only way I knew without constantly arguing. I had no more energy to argue. So when he was puttering around out of sight one day, I moved all the clocks forward about 2 1/2 hrs. As he would prepare for bed, he would look outside and swear that it was only such and such time. But thank God to it being fall and getting darker earlier, he wouldn't argue.

It was amazing to watch him still follow an internal clock, but he would always double-check the clock and that was his final authority to him and he would follow it.

Dad was much different than mom to handle. She was a whole other beast. She was narcissistic, but what made life easier was the fact that once she had a break down and ended up in geriatric psych a couple of times, it ended up where she had no ultimatum. She either had to get a live-in staffer that she would NOT be able to kick out of the house (oh the stories I could tell there). Or she was going to assisted living but it would be her choice period. There would be no other options. That one I really had to put my foot down on being the only child. Thankfully she decided on assisted living, but of course she had to yell at me and curse me out for that option, but even though we went over all the reasons why, she was still furious at me.

I think the thing that is easy to forget in the midst of all the misery of caregiving is that we have to play in a twisted way by their rules but using our style and method We want them to conform to us, but they are not children. Even though they act like it, they aren't. So between my mom and dad I had two completely different situations to deal with and I had to meet dad at his level of reality and play some tricks to get life functioning there and then there was the narcissistic mother who attempted a lifetime of manipulating me to her benefit. So that was always a fight just to keep her out of my life.

Maybe if its examining how their needs are met might help your level of sanity in all of this. Mine? Well the first time around when I was dad's sole caregiver it took me about 5 years to recover, then mom went into her thing and then it was another 4 years of her caregiving, so now they are both gone and its all about gaining control of my life. Health wise I'm just really tired and there are things going on that doctors can't figure out, but I'm "healthy" if that makes any sense.

Emotionally I am soooooo relieved they are gone. I don't feel guilty about it. Dad I miss terribly, but mom made life so horrific, I can't say I miss her at all. Now it is time to live my life my way. Woooo hoooo for that! Now if I can find the energy! LOL
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Where and Little, Yep. House is paid for but we live in the basement so as to have some privacy and at least some space all to ourselves. The home has two bathrooms and the one closest to her bedroom she thinks of as hers and gets snotty if anyone uses it but her...it's the main bathroom of the house. Ours has the laundry room attached to it and it's fair game so like I said, a big part of my frustration is that we have so little of our lives to ourselves now. None of this would be a problem if she (my Mom) just didn't act like we are only here to meet her needs and to "serve" her. When I was a kid, we did all the housework and our own laundry as she thought it was best for us to learn to be able to take care of ourselves, and there was hell to pay if the house wasn't kept just so. She and my Dad were divorced and she worked so it seemed right we do it to help out, but now I see it's really because she is just totally lazy and I mean won't even walk three feet to throw something away but let it sit for days lazy. Bottom line is I messed up by allowing her to move in with us as she did not need to for health reasons or financial reasons, but I really thought she would see it as us allowing her to travel and do the things she wants to do with her life. Instead she sees it as my life is now hers to take over and I mean that literally...the thing is I am not a push over person at all but her passive/aggressive crap is wearing me down. Basically she can do, say, be, however and it's just suppose to be ok, and if you say anything then she acts like you just cut her heart out and put it on a plate (I mean way over dramatic reaction to even the smallest of criticism) and of course as she remembers my youth she did everything and sacrificed all for us kids and we are just shits now. The truth is she didn't and we were basically raise by an abusive father (she did divorce him but only when he started beating her along with us) and a neglectful mother who made all of us feel that we were killing her to provide for us with every spoon of food we put into our mouths (literally back then).

My point in posting was to warn others, if your parents were jerks when you were a kid then time and distance isn't going to change them just because it's changed you...they get even worse with age and then expect you to snap back into the service role you had as a child. My Mom basically isn't just a selfish person, I then to think she is plainly a sociopathic personality to begin with and only sees other people for what they can do for her, and this is especially true now. This is really hard to even say, but it is the truth and I had to say it some where to someone, and at least that made me feel better.
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I don't think you are looking for advice. You already know what needs to be done. something that was said to me once when I was in a very dark place. "when the pain of what you are doing becomes worse than the pain of what you need to do, only then will you take action"
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Veronica is right. It is really tough to say no to our loved ones. Even our highly dysfunctional ones. You will find your line in the sand that enough is enough and then you will be ready to do something.

I had a narcissistic mother and I do NOT say that lightly. She tried breaking up our marriage and she never lived with us. That was one thing I made sure NEVER happened. But when my mother wished me dead..... that was it!! My husband was a saint especially during the last 10 years of her life. There was so much drama from her.... insanity!!! If I had not laid down my boundaries, it would have been a whole different ballgame.

Your father may never talk to you again after you lay down the boundary lines, but would it really be that bad? Your dad my do some pouting for weeks or months, but in my life when I got that from my mother.... AAAHHHH peace and quiet! I took full advantage of it. But if you are responding due to their manipulation, nothing will ever get resolved.

Only you know, and only you can solve. Keep us updated!
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Your story started out so similar to ours I was wondering if it was my brother wrote this. But none of us live near them, or have a garden in collusion with them...
Here's just the one thing I wanted to point out--- You are going to get stuck with final expenses! But I found a cool alternative, if your dad qualifies---
www.sciencecare.com
Might be able to take care of that, utilize your dad's body for medical students or research, cremate and return ashes to you at no expense to you!
I'm doing this for my parent's demise, since they qualify.
Here's one catch I found out the hard way.
Even if you have power of attorney or guardianship, any monies in the bank gets locked up, swallowed by the bank when your parent dies. We got screwed over bigtime by this little crappy loophole banks have to take what should be rightfully yours at a difficult time, and you are stuck with final expenses... all of it.
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lambchopp, one way you may get around this is to have an account designated as "payable on death" to a person of your choice. I did this when I had to take over finances from my husband. He could not get my check to just buy more stuff for himself while I paid all the bills (and all the debts!), but if anything happened to me he could get whatever was in there.
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Thank you, everyone, for sharing your pain. I see so many folks dealing (struggling) with the same things I am experiencing. I am on this thread because today I am having a hospital bed delivered for Dad. Selfish Mom says "I don't want it". I guess she would rather have Dad continue to fall and get hurt. You can say, it's not her, it's the dementia, but I've had it up to here with her. I have no idea how or how long this will play out, but based on past experience, I am tense already just thinking about it. I wish I had the spare time to take up kickboxing or something. HA HA HA HA
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Sorry, I clicked wrong thing.... Getmeout.... its not that your mom has dementia, etc.... its called denial. Denial that her life and her husband is disappearing. Its not that you did anything wrong and when you are dealing with someone who cannot face their reality it can make it much more challenging. Take a deep breath and do it for your dad and do the best you can with what you have. No worries okay? I had a mom like that and it was challenging as all hell. But she had her own destiny in mind and how she wanted to die and I could do nothing because her reality was skewed. Hold your head high and always do your best!!!
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Yes, diagnosed dementia mixed with denial about Dad. Bad combination. Well, she complained and complained and complained, then in the middle of the night, she REMOVED the rail from the bed. Great. Now what.
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Well I'm gonna tell ya, my mom tried starving she and my father. Found that out the hard way. My mom was so narcissistic, she even wanted death on her terms (life LONG stories). So denial may mask itself as dementia, but if she has a lifetime history of manipulation, etc....she may be trying to manipulate their death so as not to have to face reality. You may have to put a lock in place where she cannot remove it from the bed. I've done weirder things to protect my father and mother from themselves. :X
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I guess I'm lucky. Our story seems much simpler. Sometimes it takes a look at other people's situations to appreciate your own. Mom seems never to think of death. She has alternated between tantrums and crying since the bed has been in place. I guess we'll have to keep an eye on her. If she continues to make herself so upset that ...well, how does one decide between her emotional state affecting her physical health and Dad's risk of falling?
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