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Here's how I think it is supposed to work. My wife and I are planning out our future years so we will never be a financial burden on our children.
If your parents did not do that, shame on them. It is not your fault or responsibility.
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2020
Thanks Careinhome. Yes that is a very good point. I am trying to plan my own now, at 37, They have never planned at all, its been excesses and recklessness right up until day dot. And it still is. Their financial and health behavior could not have been more opposite to my own
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Dear Anyonymous1

You have already received the best possible advice from this site. Do NOT do anything more than what you are comfortable with, even if it means doing nothing.

I just want to emphasise that your parent needs the best Memory Care that THEY can afford. NOT You ! Dementia will strengthen the parent's past behaviour, and the parent will try to become more manipulative, and possible verbally and emotionally abusive again, physically abusive is also a possibility. Therefore a Memory Care unit is the only solution. Off course he/she will resist it, they all do - but once they are there, they will eventually forget about their house (advantages of memory loss), and be content and happy there. The family is not doing them a favour by not following through with this.

Therefore for your own well-being you have to resist them now. Put your foot firmly down, set clear boundaries, you can do it in writing so that all parties can see, and stick to it ! You can do it.

Good Luck ! And lots of sympathy & Love ♡
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2020
Thanks for your kind words Stelli :)
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Dear Anon...firstly , take care of yourself first ..in every way ..so maintain your finances, get counseling —for one thing will likely support what everyone has been saying that you need to do #1 and keep yourself primarily and this may help,relieve some of the guilt of doing that since you can say the therapist advised it . There are many places to get therapy..even religious places like church counselor...or if you are taking courses at a school they have some ...or if there is a college near you that educates therapists they often have to do clinical under supervision for free or low cost..in addition , if you have health insurance many times it is even cheaper than physical care although depends, but explore your options!
As far as your sibling ...try to help out but maybe just in background or by supporting them ...like go to lunch or a long walk to allow,them to vent after a trying day ...were they also abused? Perhaps they need counseling also.
For your parent. Take no financial or caregiving responsibility. Perhaps part of helping could be visiting and finding care for your parent... It sounds like it needs to be a facility. Find one ...once there you can help by visiting since this helps with maintaining good care ...folks who don’t habe visitors sometimes suffer since their staff notices when deficiencies won’t be . You don’t really have to even stay with parent much if not wanted..just pop in and out at random times. Maybe even check their room and belongings while they are at meals . Speak with caregivers. Once they are gong to a facility , the staff there will assist with financials...they can deal with the stepparent. If your parent is hospitalized there will be social workers to help with this. In the states, the step parent will be able to keep some assets because they have right to their residence and community living . Your parents social security and income will go towards their care...if part of this is needed for the spouse there is a whole formula. If your deceased parent or your parent was in the armed services there may be possibility of some assistance from the VA ( if widow of veteran). But you , or,your sibling , should not shoulder any financial burdens.
Lastly, dementia is strange and in forgetting ..sometimes empahsizes the personality and sometimes changes it. Your parent may get to point where they don’t remember you or what happened in past. At that point you might even have more of a relationship than ever before. If. You. Want.
Try to help get her into a good facility, maintain your boundaries , get help for your issues ( and maybe a dog ..they are great at pure love and acceptance) and keep your sibling as much as possible.
best of luck to you
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2020
Thanks Hearts. No the sibling wasn't abused. Their experience of family has been a very different one than mine. The sibling is 9 years older and had grown up and left the home before the first parent got sick and died. Remaining parent started to become abusive when the first parent got sick I think because of the stress of it all. Then step parent came on board soon after the death of my other parent, and step parent was also abusive and an enabler. Family life for me has been totally dysfunctional from when first parent got sick. Older sibling has memories of a fully functional two parent upbringing up until leaving home and then has not lived with or been dependent on remaining parent and step parent at any point. Also has had a much better relationship with both of them as only knows them from meeting up for holidays and that's it. Sibling does not live in the same city so has only really ever seen them for holidays. So this is why the sibling is more prepared to help because of these different experiences. Sibling also has a long term partner, both have good incomes, have owned a nice home for a long time and is just better set up in life generally, financially and doesn't have the type of psychological problems I do. So has much more resources to help.
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Same situation with me (but no step parent just narcissist unsupportive mother and father died when I was teen). Don't make my mistake. I went to help and lost years of income for myself (which like you I need as I too don't own a home or have much for the future) helping someone who has never and will never appreciate it. Now I'm in worse shape while my mother is set for life - as she always was. If you feel you must help, spend a few years getting your life in order so that you will never be alone and without money or a home in your older years, as I am now.
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Davenport Jan 2020
Mary, I agree with you, except for one bit: in your last sentence you suggest 'getting your life in order so that you will never be alone'. Getting my life in order, to the best of my limited ability, hasn't and never would assure that I will never be alone. I have friends, but I am otherwise alone in the sense of physically and financially. (And I did everything 'right'.) Did I misunderstand? Thanks for being a member and fellow supportive traveler!
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Caring for a once abusive parent is one of those things I have found manageable only after seeking professional advice of my doctor and supporting outlets like this group. Your Health and well-being is important not only for yourself but for your loved ones: do not neglect it. Speak with your parents’ Doctor and seek out resources from their insurance and potential care agencies. Finding your parents good but affordable home care or a facility — check with local social service senior resources— is just as responsible as hands on. Do not put yourself in a position where there is nothing but resentment, although I understand is difficult if you are an only child. If you are not an only child then siblings should be involved. Take care and blessings to you.
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No matter what kind of childhood you had, YOU are not responsible for funding your parent's care.

Your step-parent needs to see an eldercare attorney for good advice about how not to become impoverished.
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You are not responsible for the decisions your parents made as adults. You are not responsible for their financial issues. There are assistance programs available for elderly who can not afford long term care in a facility, even if it means liquidating their assets or getting a reverse mortgage for additional funding. Do not be dragged into anything you are not comfortable with, even if it means doing nothing. Have no guilt as you owe them nothing. Harsh, but true. Set your boundary and do not cross it.. good luck to you and remember to live guilt free.
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2020
Thanks Samsung. Yes there is govt funding which covers most of it. But not where there are certain assets involved. Problem is step parent trying to hoard assets and feather their nest and push the burden on to children to fund it so step parent can keep all the assets. So quite a conflict.

I guess the step parent as POA must have legal responsibilities to liquidate if they fail to and the govt doesn't fund it because of them hoarding assets
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When I read your last paragraph, which I've copied and pasted below, I see you have written what "an ideal world" would be for you. You and only you are in charge of your ideal world, you know. Set your boundaries, do as much or little visiting as you like, and keep your money for your own future. Seeing a therapist to help you stay strong would be very helpful as you navigate through this. We wish you the very best in dealing with this. "In an ideal world what I want is to maybe visit once every three weeks for a couple of hours while there are staff who can take responsibility for feeding and safety etc while I just show them photos or something and also that all the care is covered but that I don't pay for a cent of it." Now onward towards the ideal world that you deserve!
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2020
Thanks Mary, I am really hoping for that ideal world. Next is making it happen :)
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Sirach. Chapter 2 An old testament of the Bible helped me find comfort in taking care of my Parent.

RESPONSIBILITIES TO PARENTS*
1
Children, listen to me, your father;
act accordingly, that you may be safe.
2
For the Lord sets a father in honor over his children
and confirms a mother’s authority over her sons.
3
Those who honor their father atone for sins;
4
they store up riches who respect their mother.
5
Those who honor their father will have joy in their own children,
and when they pray they are heard.
6
Those who respect their father will live a long life;
those who obey the Lord honor their mother.
7
Those who fear the Lord honor their father,
and serve their parents as masters.
8
In word and deed honor your father,
that all blessings may come to you.a
9
A father’s blessing gives a person firm roots,
but a mother’s curse uproots the growing plant.b
10
Do not glory in your father’s disgrace,
for that is no glory to you!
11
A father’s glory is glory also for oneself;
they multiply sin who demean their mother.c
12
My son, be steadfast in honoring your father;
do not grieve him as long as he lives.d
13
Even if his mind fails, be considerate of him;
do not revile him because you are in your prime.
14
Kindness to a father will not be forgotten;
it will serve as a sin offering—it will take lasting root.
15
In time of trouble it will be recalled to your advantage,
like warmth upon frost it will melt away your sins.
16
Those who neglect their father are like blasphemers;
those who provoke their mother are accursed by their Creator.e
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BarbBrooklyn Jan 2020
PUSS, what we are talking about here is money, not honoring a parent.

This young woman is responsible for her own finances and should not feel pressure to fund her mother's care.

She WANTS to visit and be an honoring daughter. Stepparent is trying to guilt her into paying for mother's care.

That is wrong.
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I have similar situation. I’ve gone as long as 10+ years with zero contact with narcissistic, cruel and mentally ill mother. At 90 years old she needs everything and remembers nothing, just another poor lonely dementia patient. I have almost no involvement as my sister looks after her. I do occasionally see her and I do feel sorry for her as I’d feel sorry for anyone in this condition, but I’m not inclined to go out of my way to do anything for her. It isn’t about paying her back, karma, or anything else really. It’s more that I simply despise her.

I think you just do what feels ok for you, no more no less, and don’t let yourself feel pressured to do anything that you feel is revolting. You owe her nothing.

it is what it is, you are not responsible for her life or her care.
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2020
Thanks LakeErie. The parent does still know who I am, for now, but I am certain that they forget I have been there within half an hour of me leaving. They certainly forget anyone else within that time when I ask.
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My dad is an alcoholic and lives in another state. Per law in that state, I am not responsible for his debts. If he reached out, I would make sure that he is cared for: probably with Medicaid and in a state-run facility. My mom lives near me and is currently independent. When she needs more help, she already knows we will have a small cottage built on our property for her. My hubby insists that she'll have sitters or adult day program and sitters at night.

What I'm getting at is - as their "child"- you are responsible to make sure they are cared for.... but not for providing the care or the expenses or the time. Those areas are up to your discretion on how to use them. Do what is prudent and makes sense. It would help if you had POAs for financial and medical. If not, then enlist the help of your local government agency.
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Isthisrealyreal Jan 2020
Sorry Taarna, as their children you are not responsible when there is a spouse involved.

The spouse is responsible to ensure that the proper care is provided. Otherwise you are fighting a losing battle from the word go and this is hard enough without trying to intervene when someone else has ALL the authority and final say.

BTDT and recommend that it is avoided until you see that the spouse is derelict in their responsibilities and then you call in the authorities to take over, but you personally stay removed from the situation.

I understand what you are saying and I think there are situations that it is 100%, not when there is a stepmonster though.
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Most people do not have the money, time, physical fortitude or the desire to take care of a dementia patient 24 / 7.  It sounds like she needs to be in a nursing home / memory care unit.  Your mother and her spouse will need to deal with Medicaid and the five year look back and all that entails.  Financially they will just have to work it out.  As an adult, you are not responsible for her financially any more than she would be for you as an adult.
Strongly make the suggestion to your step dad that she be placed.  Strongly state that you don't have the money or time to be a caregiver.  Period.
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2020
Thanks James. Yes I think it really is time for a care facility. And I am not going to pay for any of it.
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Look up under YouTube Aging and the narcissistic parent. You are getting set up to repeat a different form of abuse from what you went through as a child.
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I also want to respond to the biblical quotes that someone posted.  No where in the bible does it say that you have to run yourself into the ground physically and financially to take care of a parent and if you don't some how you are dishonoring God and will be punished. 

Making the decision to place your parent in a facility that has round the clock care can be one of the kindest things you do for them and yourself.
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lealonnie1 Jan 2020
Well said James. As if placing a parent in a care home is 'neglecting' them or 'dishonoring' them or any such nonsense. Just another way to cast guilt upon us for doing what NEEDS to be done. I wonder what 'the bible' says about THAT?
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First, I agree that your parent's spouse is responsible for providing for and obtaining proper care. And they, not you, are responsible for the consequences of their choices. Secondly, please invest in counseling for yourself. You must find a way to forgive them or it will affect the rest of your life. I've learned that forgiveness is not so much for the one being forgiven as for the one doing the forgiving. Also, it's a process, not a one time act. It's also an act of your will. Trust me on this - I was also physically abused and emotionally neglected as a child. I lived a self-destructive life for many years. Thankfully, I found forgiveness in my late 20s and was then able to start the process of forgiving my parents. My mother has lived with me for 10 years, and even as a Christian, some days I tell God - I don't want to do this anymore!!! And then I find His grace is sufficient. I've learned as well, that honoring your parent is doing for them what they CANNOT do for themselves, not what they WILL not do. Again, they must suffer the consequences of their choices - that's not your responsibility. I do pray that you will find a great counselor that you can afford and be able to live a healthy, joyful and fulfilling life! God's blessings to you!
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elaineSC Jan 2020
Nonnie, I have read in the Bible where Jesus said to take care of your mother. Well, we did as long as we were ABLE to and until she got worse. Then, we had to place her in a nursing facility because she needed 24/7 care. My sister and I checked out the nursing facility and did all the paper work and
visited her and checked to be sure she was being cared for properly with meds, that her clothes were being taken care of and everything but then we would go home. Neither of us were able to handle a bedridden parent with dementia on top of it and it was bad. I still feel that we did the right thing and still did what the Lord said to do. We just had to do it the best way that we could. I had a bad shoulder and my sister was seeing a chiropractor. Dad had congestive heart failure. So there you have it. Sometimes a nursing facility is the only reasonable answer for everybody concerned.
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First, this situation is incredibly hard for someone whose parents were terrible at parenting. However, the path forward is much the same as it would be if you had a great relationship with them.

Ignore whomever is pressuring you. It is they who do not have your parent's best interests in mind.

By providing care, you are enabling your stepparent to avoid what has to be done. Your parent belongs in long term care .

Be unavailable for hands-on care (to avoid confrontation, fib if you have to - new work demands is a handy reason). Make it clear. Especially if your parent winds up in the emergency room, make very clear that they do not have caregiving available at home.

Next step can either be a planned move to long term care (wether they have the ability to private pay or not) or your stepparent (and you) can just wait for a fall or other crisis that would trigger a trip to the ER. From there, it can simply be a matter of demanding a full work-up (the dementia needs to be expressed as the underlying reason for whatever caused the ER visit). Then, if it is made clear that there isn't sufficient care available at home, the discharge planner will work through the options (in a much more stream-lined way that you would be able to_.
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2020
Thanks Isnteasy. yes I think a living facility is going to be necessary. And I don't want to fund any of it
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You are not legally expected to provide monetary help for your parent's care unless you sign paperwork that says you will.......so don't sign anything. It is clear that you aren't comfortable spending your money for the care of your mom. That's perfectly fine. Money doesn't equal or represent love, by the way. If deep down you still feel love for your parent, there are ways in which to show that. Your presence by visiting her is worth quite a bit. Also, try to differentiate regret from guilt. What you may think is guilt, could actually be regret. You may regret not being able to help because you either don't have the money or don't feel comfortable due to a history of abuse, but you are not guilty of doing anything wrong if you don't contribute money to their care. Do you see the difference? If you have a good relationship with one sibling and chose not to help financially and she does, you can show your appreciation for her hard work in other ways directly to her. Those affirmations might help her embrace your decision and nurture your relationship with each other.
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2020
Thanks for this Lynina. Yes I think regret could be possible. All of this also brings up my dysfunctional family life and childhood so I am feeling regret over that also I think. My internal tensions over what to do and resistance to help makes me think of the reasons why which is painful. Most of the time I just go about my life and don't think about my family at all but this being thrust in my face forces me to think about it all the time. I am also grieving over the effective loss of a parent, although I never had a good relationship with them, and that it means the loss of a familial line - the other parent being deceased also
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Look into State aid. Just because they are your "parents" does not mean you have to be caregiver! Like I said look into State help. Good luck...
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You are under NO Obligations to do anything you do not want to do. While I understand the entire "honor thy parents" - I believe there should be a commandment to "honor thy children" too.

When my mother passed away, my siblings refused to take in my father. I was left to assist him and I am thankful for the opportunity because I never truly knew my father, we always gravitated to Mom.

What I learned in the next 7.5 years is that my mother was no paragon of virtue - and my father had put up with a lot that us kids knew nothing about. Mind you, he never complained; he loved my mother with all his heart and soul. With his dying breath, he still praised my mother!

Decide what you can do and what you cannot do - and try to adhere to your guidelines. You are not responsible to pay for their care, but you will be pressured to do so. I would not have been ashamed to make my parent a "ward of the state" had it become necessary. I am thankful it never came to that as he had enough funds and good health insurance as well as the VA to handle his needs.
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As far as you doing tasks for them, that's up to you and what you can live with. It would appear the past relationship and comments here indicate you prefer not to be involved. So, as the child, seek an attorney who can help all three of you make a plan for the future. Attorney will know what they should apply for, financial issues, and who will oversee them when they no longer can. Then let it unfold.

If they won't go to attorney, then go when they call with a problem or don't go - up to you. If you see the situation is putting one/both in harm's way, your obligation at that point would be go and get personally involved or call the authorities who will evaluate and place them somewhere as needed.
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You owe them NOTHING since they lived recklessly with their finances and now expect you to step in? Wow - that's unacceptable. They didn't take care of their physical or mental health. They'll have to find facility living.
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to quote, you said "in an ideal world what I want is to maybe visit once every three weeks for a couple of hours while there are staff who can take responsibility for feeding and safety etc while I just show them photos or something and also that all the care is covered but that I don't pay for a cent of it."

While I think that is even overly generous given the other demands on your own life, this is exactly what you should do. You have no responsibility to provide for their finances.
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Let them put her in a nursing home. My mother-in-law was like a toddler for 10 years and was in a nursing home and had no problem. The only thing she could do was feed herself. She wore diapers, couldn’t bathe herself or change her clothes. Nobody could take care of someone in that shape unless they had help and had no other life.
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Anonymous, your stepfather is the one who shoukd be consulting a lawyer.

Find yourself a good talk therapist who can help you through this.
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So apart from your father and your stepmother, who else is "family"? I'm wondering where this pressure is coming from.

And apart from calling on you to help, what else is your stepmother doing about finding care resources?

In the end, this is her problem. It would be his problem, except that his Alzheimer's exempts him from responsibility now, it's too late. What it isn't is your problem. Do what you can to put her in touch with people and services who can help, but other than that protect your own boundaries. No more free "Dad-sitting" sessions, for example, or not unless you happened to plan to spend a morning with him.

Fact is, you are not close to your father. You have formal visits a few times a year. There is no confidential, loving relationship there and stepmother cannot manufacture one from wishes and regrets.
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2020
Thanks Countrymouse. Family is two siblings and a step sibling. And also extended biological and step family. Am getting some pressure from all. My biological siblings I am not getting any direct pressure but am getting some indirect pressure from the one good sibling who is offering to help the most and I get concerned for this sibling taking on all the responsibility and am worried they will pay for all of it if it comes down to it.

My step parent is going to seek govt care but there might be a shortfall and there is a possibility govt care could be declined. Don't know yet.
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Karsten is very correct in his response. Your answer is in the last paragraph you typed. It says what you have to give in this. Do that and nothing more and never give an apology. Your dad is blessed to have your support in any way at all
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Coming from a home like yours was, please do not make the mistake I did and try caregiving in the home. Get out while you can! I’m rushed right now but would be happy to talk with you a bit later, if you’d like. ❤️
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2020
Thanks Sandalina. It definitely wont be caregiving in the home. Now its turning more to care facility but its coming down to funding
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Ok in another tricky spot again. Parent is going into care. Application will be made for govt funding. This may or may not happen. In any event there will be a shortfall for at least a temporary period of time. For maybe 3 months. A request has been made by step parent to me to pay money. For this temporary period of time. Would be about $40 a week. Am in a quandary again. Step parent has no money. Has illiquid assets. I think the good sibling will end up paying for it all if I don't contribute and that sucks. Am tossing up whether to do it. And make clear its temporary and step parent needs to sort their sh*t out. And work like the rest of us and stop spending money like the rest of us. Am concerned that step parent will continue to ask though and if the govt funding is declind, step parent will have their hand out again continuously and the top up at that point would be more like hundreds a week. So there is a sense of holding the line. Not sure what to do. Ugh all this really sucks. It really sucks and its so unfair.
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Daughterof1930 Jan 2020
My only thought is if you decide to do this, make the payment directly to the facility, do not give money to stepparent to do so.
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Look at it this way. If you were asked to contribute, let's say, $500 to your father's care fund in total, would you be all right with that?

If yes, do it. If no, don't do it.

Thinking of it and presenting it as a lump sum, one-off, ex gratia contribution to tide your father over the funding gap would avoid the precedent-setting concern. You could consider offering it to Good Sibling direct, and asking GS to keep it quiet.

But I still don't see you're under any obligation. If GS feels differently, good for him/her and be happy for him/her; but you do not feel the same and this is not a competition.

And stop fretting over and resenting your stepparent's hopelessness. The pickle she's in is not your fault and it's not your problem, but it's also therefore not for you to criticise.
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2020
Good points countrymouse. Thanks
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Anon, my assets are "illiquid" too. It just means that you have to sell your stocks/mutual funds/cds.

Do not fall for this $hit.

If you want, arrange down the road to reimburse sibling IF they have actually paid anything.

I feel really strongly that you are being played.

Say "no, my financial advisor says I can't possibly do that".
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