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Look into State aid. Just because they are your "parents" does not mean you have to be caregiver! Like I said look into State help. Good luck...
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You are not legally expected to provide monetary help for your parent's care unless you sign paperwork that says you will.......so don't sign anything. It is clear that you aren't comfortable spending your money for the care of your mom. That's perfectly fine. Money doesn't equal or represent love, by the way. If deep down you still feel love for your parent, there are ways in which to show that. Your presence by visiting her is worth quite a bit. Also, try to differentiate regret from guilt. What you may think is guilt, could actually be regret. You may regret not being able to help because you either don't have the money or don't feel comfortable due to a history of abuse, but you are not guilty of doing anything wrong if you don't contribute money to their care. Do you see the difference? If you have a good relationship with one sibling and chose not to help financially and she does, you can show your appreciation for her hard work in other ways directly to her. Those affirmations might help her embrace your decision and nurture your relationship with each other.
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2020
Thanks for this Lynina. Yes I think regret could be possible. All of this also brings up my dysfunctional family life and childhood so I am feeling regret over that also I think. My internal tensions over what to do and resistance to help makes me think of the reasons why which is painful. Most of the time I just go about my life and don't think about my family at all but this being thrust in my face forces me to think about it all the time. I am also grieving over the effective loss of a parent, although I never had a good relationship with them, and that it means the loss of a familial line - the other parent being deceased also
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First, this situation is incredibly hard for someone whose parents were terrible at parenting. However, the path forward is much the same as it would be if you had a great relationship with them.

Ignore whomever is pressuring you. It is they who do not have your parent's best interests in mind.

By providing care, you are enabling your stepparent to avoid what has to be done. Your parent belongs in long term care .

Be unavailable for hands-on care (to avoid confrontation, fib if you have to - new work demands is a handy reason). Make it clear. Especially if your parent winds up in the emergency room, make very clear that they do not have caregiving available at home.

Next step can either be a planned move to long term care (wether they have the ability to private pay or not) or your stepparent (and you) can just wait for a fall or other crisis that would trigger a trip to the ER. From there, it can simply be a matter of demanding a full work-up (the dementia needs to be expressed as the underlying reason for whatever caused the ER visit). Then, if it is made clear that there isn't sufficient care available at home, the discharge planner will work through the options (in a much more stream-lined way that you would be able to_.
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2020
Thanks Isnteasy. yes I think a living facility is going to be necessary. And I don't want to fund any of it
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First, I agree that your parent's spouse is responsible for providing for and obtaining proper care. And they, not you, are responsible for the consequences of their choices. Secondly, please invest in counseling for yourself. You must find a way to forgive them or it will affect the rest of your life. I've learned that forgiveness is not so much for the one being forgiven as for the one doing the forgiving. Also, it's a process, not a one time act. It's also an act of your will. Trust me on this - I was also physically abused and emotionally neglected as a child. I lived a self-destructive life for many years. Thankfully, I found forgiveness in my late 20s and was then able to start the process of forgiving my parents. My mother has lived with me for 10 years, and even as a Christian, some days I tell God - I don't want to do this anymore!!! And then I find His grace is sufficient. I've learned as well, that honoring your parent is doing for them what they CANNOT do for themselves, not what they WILL not do. Again, they must suffer the consequences of their choices - that's not your responsibility. I do pray that you will find a great counselor that you can afford and be able to live a healthy, joyful and fulfilling life! God's blessings to you!
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elaineSC Jan 2020
Nonnie, I have read in the Bible where Jesus said to take care of your mother. Well, we did as long as we were ABLE to and until she got worse. Then, we had to place her in a nursing facility because she needed 24/7 care. My sister and I checked out the nursing facility and did all the paper work and
visited her and checked to be sure she was being cared for properly with meds, that her clothes were being taken care of and everything but then we would go home. Neither of us were able to handle a bedridden parent with dementia on top of it and it was bad. I still feel that we did the right thing and still did what the Lord said to do. We just had to do it the best way that we could. I had a bad shoulder and my sister was seeing a chiropractor. Dad had congestive heart failure. So there you have it. Sometimes a nursing facility is the only reasonable answer for everybody concerned.
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I also want to respond to the biblical quotes that someone posted.  No where in the bible does it say that you have to run yourself into the ground physically and financially to take care of a parent and if you don't some how you are dishonoring God and will be punished. 

Making the decision to place your parent in a facility that has round the clock care can be one of the kindest things you do for them and yourself.
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lealonnie1 Jan 2020
Well said James. As if placing a parent in a care home is 'neglecting' them or 'dishonoring' them or any such nonsense. Just another way to cast guilt upon us for doing what NEEDS to be done. I wonder what 'the bible' says about THAT?
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Look up under YouTube Aging and the narcissistic parent. You are getting set up to repeat a different form of abuse from what you went through as a child.
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Most people do not have the money, time, physical fortitude or the desire to take care of a dementia patient 24 / 7.  It sounds like she needs to be in a nursing home / memory care unit.  Your mother and her spouse will need to deal with Medicaid and the five year look back and all that entails.  Financially they will just have to work it out.  As an adult, you are not responsible for her financially any more than she would be for you as an adult.
Strongly make the suggestion to your step dad that she be placed.  Strongly state that you don't have the money or time to be a caregiver.  Period.
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2020
Thanks James. Yes I think it really is time for a care facility. And I am not going to pay for any of it.
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My dad is an alcoholic and lives in another state. Per law in that state, I am not responsible for his debts. If he reached out, I would make sure that he is cared for: probably with Medicaid and in a state-run facility. My mom lives near me and is currently independent. When she needs more help, she already knows we will have a small cottage built on our property for her. My hubby insists that she'll have sitters or adult day program and sitters at night.

What I'm getting at is - as their "child"- you are responsible to make sure they are cared for.... but not for providing the care or the expenses or the time. Those areas are up to your discretion on how to use them. Do what is prudent and makes sense. It would help if you had POAs for financial and medical. If not, then enlist the help of your local government agency.
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Isthisrealyreal Jan 2020
Sorry Taarna, as their children you are not responsible when there is a spouse involved.

The spouse is responsible to ensure that the proper care is provided. Otherwise you are fighting a losing battle from the word go and this is hard enough without trying to intervene when someone else has ALL the authority and final say.

BTDT and recommend that it is avoided until you see that the spouse is derelict in their responsibilities and then you call in the authorities to take over, but you personally stay removed from the situation.

I understand what you are saying and I think there are situations that it is 100%, not when there is a stepmonster though.
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I have similar situation. I’ve gone as long as 10+ years with zero contact with narcissistic, cruel and mentally ill mother. At 90 years old she needs everything and remembers nothing, just another poor lonely dementia patient. I have almost no involvement as my sister looks after her. I do occasionally see her and I do feel sorry for her as I’d feel sorry for anyone in this condition, but I’m not inclined to go out of my way to do anything for her. It isn’t about paying her back, karma, or anything else really. It’s more that I simply despise her.

I think you just do what feels ok for you, no more no less, and don’t let yourself feel pressured to do anything that you feel is revolting. You owe her nothing.

it is what it is, you are not responsible for her life or her care.
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2020
Thanks LakeErie. The parent does still know who I am, for now, but I am certain that they forget I have been there within half an hour of me leaving. They certainly forget anyone else within that time when I ask.
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Sirach. Chapter 2 An old testament of the Bible helped me find comfort in taking care of my Parent.

RESPONSIBILITIES TO PARENTS*
1
Children, listen to me, your father;
act accordingly, that you may be safe.
2
For the Lord sets a father in honor over his children
and confirms a mother’s authority over her sons.
3
Those who honor their father atone for sins;
4
they store up riches who respect their mother.
5
Those who honor their father will have joy in their own children,
and when they pray they are heard.
6
Those who respect their father will live a long life;
those who obey the Lord honor their mother.
7
Those who fear the Lord honor their father,
and serve their parents as masters.
8
In word and deed honor your father,
that all blessings may come to you.a
9
A father’s blessing gives a person firm roots,
but a mother’s curse uproots the growing plant.b
10
Do not glory in your father’s disgrace,
for that is no glory to you!
11
A father’s glory is glory also for oneself;
they multiply sin who demean their mother.c
12
My son, be steadfast in honoring your father;
do not grieve him as long as he lives.d
13
Even if his mind fails, be considerate of him;
do not revile him because you are in your prime.
14
Kindness to a father will not be forgotten;
it will serve as a sin offering—it will take lasting root.
15
In time of trouble it will be recalled to your advantage,
like warmth upon frost it will melt away your sins.
16
Those who neglect their father are like blasphemers;
those who provoke their mother are accursed by their Creator.e
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BarbBrooklyn Jan 2020
PUSS, what we are talking about here is money, not honoring a parent.

This young woman is responsible for her own finances and should not feel pressure to fund her mother's care.

She WANTS to visit and be an honoring daughter. Stepparent is trying to guilt her into paying for mother's care.

That is wrong.
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When I read your last paragraph, which I've copied and pasted below, I see you have written what "an ideal world" would be for you. You and only you are in charge of your ideal world, you know. Set your boundaries, do as much or little visiting as you like, and keep your money for your own future. Seeing a therapist to help you stay strong would be very helpful as you navigate through this. We wish you the very best in dealing with this. "In an ideal world what I want is to maybe visit once every three weeks for a couple of hours while there are staff who can take responsibility for feeding and safety etc while I just show them photos or something and also that all the care is covered but that I don't pay for a cent of it." Now onward towards the ideal world that you deserve!
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2020
Thanks Mary, I am really hoping for that ideal world. Next is making it happen :)
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You are not responsible for the decisions your parents made as adults. You are not responsible for their financial issues. There are assistance programs available for elderly who can not afford long term care in a facility, even if it means liquidating their assets or getting a reverse mortgage for additional funding. Do not be dragged into anything you are not comfortable with, even if it means doing nothing. Have no guilt as you owe them nothing. Harsh, but true. Set your boundary and do not cross it.. good luck to you and remember to live guilt free.
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2020
Thanks Samsung. Yes there is govt funding which covers most of it. But not where there are certain assets involved. Problem is step parent trying to hoard assets and feather their nest and push the burden on to children to fund it so step parent can keep all the assets. So quite a conflict.

I guess the step parent as POA must have legal responsibilities to liquidate if they fail to and the govt doesn't fund it because of them hoarding assets
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No matter what kind of childhood you had, YOU are not responsible for funding your parent's care.

Your step-parent needs to see an eldercare attorney for good advice about how not to become impoverished.
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Caring for a once abusive parent is one of those things I have found manageable only after seeking professional advice of my doctor and supporting outlets like this group. Your Health and well-being is important not only for yourself but for your loved ones: do not neglect it. Speak with your parents’ Doctor and seek out resources from their insurance and potential care agencies. Finding your parents good but affordable home care or a facility — check with local social service senior resources— is just as responsible as hands on. Do not put yourself in a position where there is nothing but resentment, although I understand is difficult if you are an only child. If you are not an only child then siblings should be involved. Take care and blessings to you.
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Same situation with me (but no step parent just narcissist unsupportive mother and father died when I was teen). Don't make my mistake. I went to help and lost years of income for myself (which like you I need as I too don't own a home or have much for the future) helping someone who has never and will never appreciate it. Now I'm in worse shape while my mother is set for life - as she always was. If you feel you must help, spend a few years getting your life in order so that you will never be alone and without money or a home in your older years, as I am now.
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Davenport Jan 2020
Mary, I agree with you, except for one bit: in your last sentence you suggest 'getting your life in order so that you will never be alone'. Getting my life in order, to the best of my limited ability, hasn't and never would assure that I will never be alone. I have friends, but I am otherwise alone in the sense of physically and financially. (And I did everything 'right'.) Did I misunderstand? Thanks for being a member and fellow supportive traveler!
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Dear Anon...firstly , take care of yourself first ..in every way ..so maintain your finances, get counseling —for one thing will likely support what everyone has been saying that you need to do #1 and keep yourself primarily and this may help,relieve some of the guilt of doing that since you can say the therapist advised it . There are many places to get therapy..even religious places like church counselor...or if you are taking courses at a school they have some ...or if there is a college near you that educates therapists they often have to do clinical under supervision for free or low cost..in addition , if you have health insurance many times it is even cheaper than physical care although depends, but explore your options!
As far as your sibling ...try to help out but maybe just in background or by supporting them ...like go to lunch or a long walk to allow,them to vent after a trying day ...were they also abused? Perhaps they need counseling also.
For your parent. Take no financial or caregiving responsibility. Perhaps part of helping could be visiting and finding care for your parent... It sounds like it needs to be a facility. Find one ...once there you can help by visiting since this helps with maintaining good care ...folks who don’t habe visitors sometimes suffer since their staff notices when deficiencies won’t be . You don’t really have to even stay with parent much if not wanted..just pop in and out at random times. Maybe even check their room and belongings while they are at meals . Speak with caregivers. Once they are gong to a facility , the staff there will assist with financials...they can deal with the stepparent. If your parent is hospitalized there will be social workers to help with this. In the states, the step parent will be able to keep some assets because they have right to their residence and community living . Your parents social security and income will go towards their care...if part of this is needed for the spouse there is a whole formula. If your deceased parent or your parent was in the armed services there may be possibility of some assistance from the VA ( if widow of veteran). But you , or,your sibling , should not shoulder any financial burdens.
Lastly, dementia is strange and in forgetting ..sometimes empahsizes the personality and sometimes changes it. Your parent may get to point where they don’t remember you or what happened in past. At that point you might even have more of a relationship than ever before. If. You. Want.
Try to help get her into a good facility, maintain your boundaries , get help for your issues ( and maybe a dog ..they are great at pure love and acceptance) and keep your sibling as much as possible.
best of luck to you
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2020
Thanks Hearts. No the sibling wasn't abused. Their experience of family has been a very different one than mine. The sibling is 9 years older and had grown up and left the home before the first parent got sick and died. Remaining parent started to become abusive when the first parent got sick I think because of the stress of it all. Then step parent came on board soon after the death of my other parent, and step parent was also abusive and an enabler. Family life for me has been totally dysfunctional from when first parent got sick. Older sibling has memories of a fully functional two parent upbringing up until leaving home and then has not lived with or been dependent on remaining parent and step parent at any point. Also has had a much better relationship with both of them as only knows them from meeting up for holidays and that's it. Sibling does not live in the same city so has only really ever seen them for holidays. So this is why the sibling is more prepared to help because of these different experiences. Sibling also has a long term partner, both have good incomes, have owned a nice home for a long time and is just better set up in life generally, financially and doesn't have the type of psychological problems I do. So has much more resources to help.
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Dear Anyonymous1

You have already received the best possible advice from this site. Do NOT do anything more than what you are comfortable with, even if it means doing nothing.

I just want to emphasise that your parent needs the best Memory Care that THEY can afford. NOT You ! Dementia will strengthen the parent's past behaviour, and the parent will try to become more manipulative, and possible verbally and emotionally abusive again, physically abusive is also a possibility. Therefore a Memory Care unit is the only solution. Off course he/she will resist it, they all do - but once they are there, they will eventually forget about their house (advantages of memory loss), and be content and happy there. The family is not doing them a favour by not following through with this.

Therefore for your own well-being you have to resist them now. Put your foot firmly down, set clear boundaries, you can do it in writing so that all parties can see, and stick to it ! You can do it.

Good Luck ! And lots of sympathy & Love ♡
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2020
Thanks for your kind words Stelli :)
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Here's how I think it is supposed to work. My wife and I are planning out our future years so we will never be a financial burden on our children.
If your parents did not do that, shame on them. It is not your fault or responsibility.
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2020
Thanks Careinhome. Yes that is a very good point. I am trying to plan my own now, at 37, They have never planned at all, its been excesses and recklessness right up until day dot. And it still is. Their financial and health behavior could not have been more opposite to my own
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The word on the street with regard to this situation is as little hands-on care as possible.

We are only human and care-giving pushes us to the limit on all fronts. So, your patience can wear thin, down to the abuse you suffered. Don't put yourself or the elder in a potentially dangerous situation.

I agree with everyone about therapy. Help from a safe distance and get help for yourself.

Good luck!
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2020
Thanks Salisbury :)
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I agree with other answers that you need to start by getting support for yourself. If ever there was a time for a good, caring therapist, this is it.
You and your therapist can work together to figure out the best course of action and also how to help you manage and deal with some very complex emotions based on your family history.
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I understand the difficulty of being in this situation. Are you legally the Power of Attorney? If you have not been legally (via a will or court order) appointed POA, then you have no legal requirement to assist with anyone's situation. If you are POA and you want out of that responsibility, then you can request that change legally through an Elder Law Attorney or the courts. Also, someone will likely have to the your parent(s) Representative Payee with the IRS, if you don't want that responsibility, then do not take it on. Period. My point is, don't step in if you do not want the responsibility. There are a few states, not many, that I have read place financial responsibility of elder care on the children if bills cannot be made, so I would check that out as well.

If any money has been exchanged/given to you by them or from their accounts, that will be considered a "gift" by Medicaid and a penalty period for that amount of money in relation to the cost of care will be imposed.

My advice is to visit with an Elder Care Attorney/Medicaid Attorney so you understand your situation. This way, you have your answers. Make sure that this attorney understands Medicaid procedures and rules, not all Elder Care Attorneys do.

I hope this helps.
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2020
Thanks Artmom. No I am not the POA thank goodness. Step parent is. So I guess my step parent has all the responsibilities to look after my parent's care. Although I should understand this better so I should probably get legal advice. God another should. Psychotherapy and lawyers, all gets so expensive. I think psychotherapy is the first priority as that's for me. The lawyers debateable as to whether this is for me, more for abusive parent's wellbeing that I get on top of that
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You can get cheap or free therapy if you live in a reasonably-sized city and contact the Dept of Public Health. Ask what's available for people with low incomes. Talk to a therapist, then refuse to contribute to your parents' financial upkeep. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
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ArtMom58 Jan 2020
While I agree that some organizations can assist, most don't know the intricacies of Medicaid. And it sounds like Medicaid will be needed for these folks. Happy long weekend!
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You cannot pour from an empty cup.

Jesus heals, prayer is good, so is therapy.

I’ll be praying for you (and I don’t mean that in the snarky way some people use it 🤣)

You obviously have a good heart because you care ❤️ A truly messed up person wouldn’t ask this kind of question on a platform like this looking for advice and support, so don’t be too hard on yourself 😉
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2020
Thanks Jdr. This is a brilliant analogy and demonstrates my situation. I am not quite an empty cup but I am very low, not much in the way of money, time or emotional desire for this stuff.
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You don't owe them anything. See a therapist so you can make healthy choices for you, and so you have some strategies for dealing with the other folks who are pressuring you to help.
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Actions have consequences, it sounds like your step/parent made some pretty poor life choices, and are now facing the consequences of them. Do not let them take you down with them. Do not visit any more than you want to. Do not visit at all if it is upsetting. If you've given them a single dollar for their care, that is one dollar too much. They deserve and are entitled to nothing from you. Continue living your life, which sounds quite successful. Leave them to rot in the pit of misery they've dug for themselves.
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cherokeegrrl54 Jan 2020
Agree 100%%
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Although Would not say I was abused by my parents it was not until I had a mental breakdown and my closest friend got me into a facility did I realise that they had greatly contributed to my problems. Counselling helped me so much. It made me realise that I thought as myself as not important and therefore allowed myself to be manipulated by my parents. I now stand up for myself. I have always been a good daughter but the difference now is I put myself first. I still help my ailing mother but not to my detriment. (My father died 5 years ago and if I am honest I do not miss him). As you say your parent/step parent treated you badly. You owe them nothing. Who is putting you under pressure? Do not listen to what anyone else says they have not lived in your shoes. Don’t let anyone guilt trip you.
Look after yourself, ignore everyone else and go with what you feel
good luck, and best wishes
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2020
Thanks Carolanne. I am glad that therapy helped you through it. :)
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My abuser was not a parent. However, I can relate to your concerns about how other people will see you, potential guilt or second guessing your actions, self doubt, sadness, anxiousness....on and on....All I want you to know is that your father is lucky to have you in his life at all. He’s even more blessed that you are a good person and obviously are concerned for his wellbeing. There is no shame in setting the boundaries that you weren’t able to set as a child. Protect yourself. You can pour from a cup that isn’t overflowing - be it time, money, love, or water. Be honest about what you have to offer...and be specific, and don’t let them ask for more. For example, “I would love to come for an hour on Tuesday mornings and help you get laundry caught up. What Tuesday should we start?” Or “I can be there the third Saturday morning and we can play bingo. What month should we start?” Or whatever would contribute but not put you in a bind.
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Responding to your (Anonymous1) answer.....Dont just think about it, do it, NOW. You are going to need the strength to get through what is a difficult situation without the baggage of your difficult past.
Meanwhile, keep working, keep saving, it sounds like you are alone (independent) and are the only one going to be looking out for your financial security. Do not overstretch the assistance you are giving in the care of your parent.
Normally I would advocate pitching in and helping family where frail aged people are concerned, because siblings often dont share the load fairly, we read that in this forum regularly. But where dementia is involved, and carers are not in good physical or mental health themselves to cope with the horrible disease from the outset AND there are only excuses, not genuine reasons, for accessing memory care units, a different approach is essential.
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2020
Thanks Shezza. Yes I do need therapy. The cost is so high though. Maybe I could find a way to prioritise it for a while. Yes I am on my own. I think I am perpetually single due to being f**cked in the head over my childhood and family stuff. So independent. So selfish. So risk averse. So loss averse. No ability to trust or be vulnerable. Being unable to rely on anyone or be interdependent with anyone. Being unable to receive support or help. So scared of losing anything due to never having had any familial safety net or support network. I do need to look after my own financial and physical health as I do not think I have, or have ever had, anyone to look after me if anything goes pear shaped for me. Except maybe the one sibling who has been supportive to be honest. This is not a good time for me to be dealing with this stuff. I am 37, mid-career, and trying to find some financial security. I have neither time nor money to donate. It seems like these things tend to happen to people later in life like 50s or so when they are more established and might have more finances and time to donate. I think I have bad genes in my family. People get sick and die substantially younger than the norm.
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I think there are are just two issues here.
1. Take the diffiicult childhood and dysfunctuonal family out of the equation, and what do you have remaining? Someone whose physical and mental health, not to mention their safety, would be best served in an aged care facility, and the memory care unit at that. It really is that simple! If everyone is finding the going tough now, think of how it will be when your parent is in advanced stage of Alzheimers. The wear on carers is enormous, it really does take a toll on health, it wears them down to a point that they can become ill themselves through all the stress. Are you ready for that?
As far as putting yourself in your parents place regarding anxiety and so forth, that is a fools errand. Here is a tip. Dementia is not pretty. The more advanced it becomes the worse the behaviour becomes. There will be non compliance with everything from medications, to eating, to personal hygiene. There is verbal abuse, there can be physical threats and acts of violence. No amount of hand holding, soothing music, conversations over photo albums will soothe the patient. There will be no Come to Jesus moment when the parent recognises they were abusive and ask your understanding. There will be no conversation, no logic, no explanations. Are you ready for that?
2. You dont need your family to guilt you into helping, either physically or financially. You are doing a good job of that to yourself. Sounds like you still carry all the baggage from the childhood abuse, a big part of which is guilt. What happened to you was not your fault. If you had no therapy as an adult it might be a good idea if you book in for a few sessions. You sound emotionally fragile with all this unresolved guilt and anger over something you could not control. I have a friend in a similar position who had therapy more than 30 years after she left home. She says she wished it had been offered to her much earlier, she may have found confidence and contentment earlier than her mid life.
By the way, it is not your responsibility to fund your parents care, nor contribute financially in any other area. The family should sell all the parents assets to fund care in a facility. After that is exhausted, let the government pay. You have your own retirement to fund so keep your financial matters private from the family. If the family refuses to sell everything then it is up to them to make other arrangements. If they are refusing because your parent would not want this to happen then they are just being ridiculous considering the advancing dementia. The time will come when the parent will forget what a home is, let alone where it was or what it looked like. That is the reality.
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Anyonymous1 Jan 2020
Thanks Shezza. Yes you are right. I did go to therapy at one stage and it was helpful. We didn't get to the root of my problems before I stopped going though which did all relate to my childhood and lack of any family support. It has messed with me psychologically I know. I have to go back to work through it at some stage.
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Walk away. Also what country are you residing. I am in Australia where there is a lot of help.
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