How do I deal with a mother that is not senile, but is just plain mean?

ElderlyandAdhd- Cmagnum recommended a workbook on dealing with people with BPD. I got it yesterday, and have read through about 1/3 of it. I would highly recommend it. It really does help explain some of their illogical behavior, and some good information on how best to react. For example, MIL has determined each grandchild's character flaws by a very early age. She then used this determination as rationalization for her disdain. She determined by looking into one infant granddaughter's eyes that she was manipulative and 'no good'. This always bothered me as it is unbelievably cruel and completely illogical. Now, however, I can see why she would do that. It doesn't make it right, of course. But at least I can understand where it is coming from. I think it would be nearly impossible for anyone who has not dealt with someone like this to understand the extreme impact it can have on your home life. The BPD thought process is so irrational. Who would believe a parent would come into an adult child's home and demand the master bedroom? I would, because we have been there. It is infuriating and exhausting. And while our parents won't live much longer, who knows how long that will be? Our teens will also not be in our home much longer. Do we want to spend their last years in the family home with a torturous environment? I do not. Elderly- I would highly recommend this book. I think we have done a very good job up to this point setting boundaries. But, now that we are not giving in to all of her demands, MIL is resorting to tears and guilt. This book has helped my understand why she is doing what she is doing. And it is helping me help my husband in dealing with it. Thanks to all who recommended it.

BTW, MyWitsEnd, right after I laid down the boundary of no MIL staying in our house and it getting broken twice with a different response each time, my wife and I went on a Christian marriage enrichment weekend. I mentioned about my MIL demanding the master bedroom. I thought the leader was going to expload in their response. They said to never let that take place again and gave me some anointing oil to anoint the bedroom with to remove all ill effects. Then, they had had everyone in the room praying for us. That was the most unique use of anointing oil for healing that I have ever heard of.

In my opinion, someone with BPD does not have a thought process. Instead, they have thought impulses and it is the black/white thought impulses that makes it so irrational.

I disagree with cmagnum. I was diagnosed many years ago with bipolar disorder. I have done some irrational things and most of them happened because I was majorily upset by something my mother had done/said regarding me. I.E. I enlisted because of not being able to deal with her, her controlling ways and constant telling me that I have done nothing with my life. I graduated high school with average grades and sometimes below average. Math was never my strong suit. I was only 23 when I enlisted and ended up as a medic in the Navy. After the years I spent and I might add excelled at. I had moved to the east coast for a couple of years, experiencing life I had never encountered. I had also moved south after I had learned from mother that I was adopted. I was 35 when I found out. I ended up taking off almost two years after that and went in search of my biological mother that I had found. Years and years of lies, control and manipulation from mother made me wonder if my biological mother was any better? The irrational issues and mistakes I have made have been due to not having a solid male/father figure in my life. Adoptive dad died when I was three. Mother did not remarry until I was 12. He lasted two years before he had a major stroke and very progressive Alzheimer's. He died last day of my junior year. Mother very rarely had a boyfriend and when she did, she would never bring them to the house. Except for two others who ironically died as well for different reasons. Thus, I have a horrible fear of whomever I marry will leave me. And since I have been married/divorced several times I certainly showed poor judgement. Fact is, I was scared as hell I would die alone. Mother was 43 years old when she adopted me at 3 days old. I am still scared as hell that something with happen to my husband now. I feel I dodged a bullet of sorts because he has deployed twice to Iraq 28 months total over there). Just recently he was deployed again but due to injury, he had to come back to the states. Keep in mind, he is in the Army Reserves. Anyway, the point of the matter is that I have irrational fears that I do act on at times just to try to ensure that I do not die alone. I have done some irrational things concerning other parts of my life, however I have never gotten involved with drugs, alcohol and never been arrested. For that matter, I have not had a speeding ticket since I was a teenager and no accidents that were because of me. (Had a woman pull out in front of me coming out of a Walmart that claimed she could not see me.) And just last week, some idiot guy rear-ended me while we were sitting at a stoplight waiting for it to turn green. Yes, I do think in terms of black and white. But over time, I have learned through experience that everything is not black and white. But often times grey. I take one medication to help me with my issues. At a very low dose because I react very well to it. I can feel the difference in my tolerance of people and situations. Without it, I am way more prone to telling someone exactly what I think of them, especially when it is an issue of common sense. The problem with common sense is a matter of interpretation based upon ethics, ethnicities, societal norms, and personal preferences. (I did five years of college and finished with my bachelors degree in applied sciences. AKA medical) So while I do have thought impulses, I have the ability to discern what is an impulse and what is a well thought out plan and implement that plan into what needs to be done. Obviously I have a thought process considering the lengthy, coherent answer I have just given. Oh and not to be mean here, my initial reaction to your generalization of people who suffer from BPD, a crock of crap. Of course that is my opinion which to you, would have seemed irrational.

Oh and one last thing... I recall reading in a few of my psych classes that people with BPD are considerably more prone to have issues with the law and often times end up being arrested due to them not being able to quite understand what is rational and irrational. They tend to rationalize the way they act. I am fully aware that the choices I have made in my life have caused my life to go the way it has. No one is to blame but my inability to handle people I find impossible or nearly impossible to deal with and due to my own personal fears of dying alone.

AnArmyWife- first, I think there is some acronym induced confusion. Earlier bosts used BPD as an acronym for Borderline Personality Disorder. My mother was bi-polar, which may have some similar traits, but is different. Unfortunately for her, it was not well understood when she was younger. She never really received treatment, which was unfortunate. When she was doing well, she was wonderful. Hat's off to you for understanding your issue and working to address it. Most people are not able to do that. In the book CMagnum referred me to, they do discuss people with Borderline Personality Disorder living mainly n the black and white. Understanding this is a big help to me in our family's current situation. My MIL would never, ever agree she has issues. The issues clearly lie with everyone else, in her mind. So, working to change how she see things will not happen. But, understanding how she thinks can help us in how we react. Good luck to you.

Cmagnum- the master bedroom story is hilarious. How could anyone think they have the right to kick you out of your room. Yet, my MIL used to do that everytime she visited one of my husband's siblings. That sibling and his wife later died in an accident. I was a devastating time for the family. They had teen children living at home. MIL was there immediately, moved into the master, and told the children it was no longer their parent's room, it was hers. She was there for about 5 days- enough time to gather family items she was certain the children wanted to steal (side note, it all would fetch about $200 in a garage sale). She has had no use for these children since. I must admit, my sympathy for her is low. We were the only one's willing to take her in, and there is a reason for that. Before she came, she made it clear she would not take our one spare bedroom as it was too small for her. She needed a bigger room with more living space- ie the master. We said no. This is the room we have. We have set boundaries, but I am not sure that is enough.

AnArmWife, I'm talking about borderline pesonality disorder which I'd admit was a bit overstated. BTW, I have bipolar as well and have done some irrational things also.

AnArmyWife, sorry for misstyping your name.

An ArmyWife, if this helps, we all have to make the transition to whatever lies ahead and die alone, after all nobody can die with us, can they? lol, and its temporary alone from what I understand, the energy lives on somewhere, maybe a better place with a better life? who knows? Instead of being afraid, Id rather think of it as a next adventure of sorts, you already know what life is about right? but you didnt know what life was before you were born? right? so maybe death is like the same thing. My major fear is how I might not be able to help my kids if they need me, but Im pretty tough, Ill probably hang around until they get old, die and drag them somewhere to be with them again..If you are capable of missing someone afterward, I would really miss them! probably more than they would miss me! lol, I think you probably get a choice of what you want to do. I hope this helps in some way. It helps me to think about it that way, I have had a few animals that I think keep returning to me after they died. It is something I just cannot put my finger on, but I really think that it is there. People make all this stuff really dramatic and I think it is really simple. I think you choose, and your energy is always around.

my MIL also has borderline. One of the reasons we won't invite MY mother to live with us is because then MIL (who is much younger) will think she is entitled to move in with us after my mother dies. Personally, from what I'm reading here, I think my mother is an undiagnosed case of borderline. Ha! Neither one is super mean, but very, very trying for those of us who have to deal with them and their many oddities.

ElderlyandADHD I find myself agreeing with you.

I mean no disrespect and loved my dad, but he could be so nasty. Now I have a beautiful dog and I completely believe he is my dad, came back at another level and he is completely loving and a beautiful creature. I just know it...somehow.

When my mom passed away, I found her and when I looked at her, I knew she was not in her body. She was in my heart and in my head. I could feel her and I knew she was in the hearts and heads of my children and my sweetheart... all the good things she said and even when she was a little bit crabby.

I don't know what will happen, but I find myself believing that our physical bodies are vehicles for our spirits and somehow our spirits live on... perhaps in the memories of others and in the impact that we have had on the world. I think it is very important to treat our bodies/vehicles with great respect and caring and not like garbage dumps. We need to put only healthy nutrients in and exercise and stretch. Live in the sunshine and surround ourselves with laughter and hugging!

And then there is cremation. We cremate our family when they pass away and I think we enrich the soil and make the flowers grow more beautifully and the trees grow strong.

My mom said never worry. Everything works out in the end. I found it hard to believe it was that simple when she said it. I thought you have to address the problems, you have to think of solutions and implement them. You have to DO something! I keep recalling what she said now that she is gone and I find.. she was right!

I think we do choose... we can make excuses or take accountability and a step forward. Often I find myself confused and unable to make a choice or a decision, so I just go back and try again. What's the worst that can happen? I might come back as a pampered pet and get to be more loving and more kind next time.

Snoozi..you are right..I think if our pets and come back over and over..why cant we?

my pets don't remind me of any of my relatives -- which is a good thing I guess