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With dementia and aging, my parents know that anything that is missing has been stolen. It could be a ruler, light bulb or a piece of paper. Once I locate it,
the stealing issue is forgotten or they say someone else came in and moved it.
I have been accused of all types of crimes by my father from grand larceny to
petty theft. I no longer pay attention. The paranoia gets worse and worse. I used to ask my mom why she did certain things - hide the depends, etc. I no longer ask because she doesn't know. She will eat something that she has eaten for 85 years and will say she has never had this food before - I now ask do you like it? Would you eat again? I have learned the very hard way - do not argue. As I have posted before, the people who give the most care will get the most abuse and the most accusations leveled against them. Since they have a lot of time on their hands - they look for things to become upset about. They didn't get served first in the dining room, they had to wait for meds or someone didn't do something exactly right. They worry over little things and make them into really big issues. I, like Pam, wait before jumping though hoops for certain requests - each day has about 10 things that are desperately needed, although they may already have the items there. I go on a scavenger hunt on a regular basis in their apartment so I am not spending hours buying things they don't need or already have. Please have your mom evaluated. It won't make it easier to deal with her, but you will be able to understand that nothing you are doing is causing your mom's forgetfulness or paranoia. It will also help you understand that there is nothing you can do to fix it.
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Blannie, I appreciate your thoughts. In my case, I would have husband sign a document that he agrees with XYZ and I would hold it to show him. Then he would say that I made him sign it and that he was under pressure to sign it.
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It sounds like your mom has the beginnings of dementia that is more than just memory loss. My mom has severe memory loss, but has never been paranoid or accused me of stealing things. You guys need to keep a close eye on her and get her to a geriatric physician who can test her for possible Alzheimers or some other form of dementia. If it's Alzheimers, arguing with her or trying to get her to remember things is pointless. Her brain is broken and she just can't do it.

If it's just purely memory loss, you could tape a conversation with her on a smart phone (or tape recorder) or have her sign a document that she agrees with X/Y/Z and hold it to show to her. Or better keep it in her place, so she doesn't think you've taken it and altered it.

But I really think there is more than just memory loss going on and things will probably get much worse - and she will get to where she shouldn't be living alone.
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We agree with her but take no action unless she sticks to the request over several weeks. They do change their mind about everything from clothing to shoes to food to bedding. Do not jump and run at the first request, you will go nuts. If she forgot about the PERS, you should too.
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