Thank God for this forum. Where would I be without your help and reassurances?
Mom confabulates to fill in the blanks of her faulty memory. I understand this. It helps her make sense of her world. Most of the time I can "go along with" her alternate reality. When Mom says she's already acquainted with someone I've introduced her to for the first time, I never challenge it. When she says memory care staff stole her hearing aids (when in fact she's lost them for 100th time), I say "Oh, really? Why don't you help me look for for your hearing aids first before we report it to the director?"
What really troubles me is when Mom makes slanderous statements toward me or some other family member that simply aren't true. For months (possibly years) Mom has been circulating terrible stories about me that non-discerning people have taken for the truth. You could argue that you can't fix stupid; if people can't see that Mom has dementia and believe her confabulations anyway that I shouldn't worry about it. Sorry, folks. It still hurts. A lot. Not all of this character assassination goes on behind my back. Mom will tell me to my face. Am I supposed to smile benignly and agree with Mom I'm a low-down, common ______? (you fill in the blanks). Sorry; I won't. Let me add that I have minimized contact due to a lifetime history of abuse from dear ole Mom. Her more recent negativity and character assassination are just the icing on the cake.
Likewise, Mom attributes criminal actions to my dear sister, whose conduct is kind, loving, unimpeachable. I'm looking for appropriate answers that preserve mine and my sister's dignity without antagonizing Mom. Ideas, anyone?
Your dad and my mom must have gone to the same school!
Mom's memory is very selective. She only remembers the bad stuff. One of my visits with Mom will end poorly, like they usually do. I'll leave, and she won't hear from me for awhile. Then she'll call when she needs something, referring to the unpleasantness of our last get-together but never apologizing for what she knows was nasty behavior on her part, instead assigning blame to me. Then she'll forget and the cycle repeats, over and over and over. I know it's the dementia, but I also know Mom's hard-wired narcissistic ways are worsened by the dementia. So I say the serenity prayer a lot!
My expectation is to see Mom once a month, if that, in 2018. My policy when she gets nasty: "I'll be back sometime when you're feeling better," "I need to take you back to memory care because I'm going to visit/do so-and-so," or "The doorbell's ringing, I have to go now."
Rainmom, you're right: reasoning with dementia is hopeless. The only thing I want to do is respond in a way that doesn't support a falsehood about me or those I care about. Call me stubborn, but standing by like a numb-nut while Mom reams my sister ain't an option. For me, silence is tacit approval, even with a demented person. I guess the best thing for me to say is "That's not a nice thing to say, Mom." Please understand, I know I'm the one with the problem here. Mom has always lied, slandered, fabricated, whatever you want to call it, long before dementia set in. I know I can't fix her, dementia or no dementia. I just need to find a satisfactory way to respond to the false assertions for my sake, not hers.
Barb, I probably shouldn't care so much what other people think, but I like your responses! I will have to practice a bit (grin) until I become expert with it!
Thanks to all!
Offensive remarks fall under the heading of challenging behaviours rather than faulty memory. If responding proportionately with something like "that is not a nice thing to say" doesn't help or makes things worse, then there's nothing for it - you'll just have to do the "I'll come back another time" routine and cut the visit short.
Do you ever actually need to spend time with her, or is it always optional?
You don't argue with them; if THEY argue with you, you say "I'm really sorry that you don't understand the nature and extent of mom's disease."