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Michelle, I think that we feel how we feel.

Your mom, her husband and anyone else doesn't get a say in what you will do. Period. You get to decide what you are willing to do.

On another note, your husband should be earning enough to buy some IRAs or set up a SEP account, a good tax attorney can help him set it up to ensure that only long term, dependable employees would ever qualify.

We has a construction company and it provided bountiful retirement accounts for us. There is no excuse for him not to contribute to your retirement.

What you have or don't have doesn't obligate you to participate in your parents care.

Actually, your mom will have an easier time getting public assistance, the truly working poor (low paying jobs) are what the system is for and how it is structured. So it is good that Medicaid is involved, it will make the transition to LTC much easier for her husband to deal with.
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MichelleLeeR Jan 2022
Thank you....my husband has recently started putting money into a retirement but it is just the start of it. He is struggling a bit in the last several years with bad luck - I guess you can say. I have lower that what I should b/c I have dipped into for him and me but I have stopped that....but I do max it out each year and try to save in other ways. I have no debt except for my house, and my large student loan bill (I was in veterinary school and struggled so I did not finish - long story short - love animals - struggled in vet school) (I am really trying to keep it that way). Yep, I just can't financially help my stepdad. And when I say that he seems to get it but it will be followed up with a comment like "I just don't know how I am going to do this, I am stressed about the money", this will cost this, and that will cost that....which I feel is an attempt to guilt me....I don't appreciate this.
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It's normal to feel some resentment and anger. But letting it go too far and not letting it go is of no value to you. I know from personal experience how annoying and frustrating it is when people don't take care of themselves (my mom). I wish I'd figured out 20 years ago how this was going to turn out. But I didn't and now here we are in a lousy situation where she has so many issues. A lot could. have been avoided but that's water under the bridge.

Do not spend ANY money on your mom's care. Sorry, but that money is for you and YOUR family. If step-dad can't afford X, then so be it. He will have to figure out a different plan.

Sounds like she definitely needs a nursing home. Maybe a hospice evaluation too. Suggest he put her somewhere that accepts Medicaid. She may live a long time and burn through her share if their assets.
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tidalblue Jan 2022
"I wish I'd figured out 20 years ago how this was going to turn out. But I didn't and now here we are in a lousy situation where she has so many issues. A lot could. have been avoided but that's water under the bridge."

If it helps any, know that I DID figure out 20 years ago how this was going to turn out, but it made no difference. Despite my decades of attempts and pleading, my parent continued to shirk responsibility for his health, for his care, for his finances, for his obligations -- for everything basically.

So while it does not make your situation any better, please know that advanced thinking and effort still makes for no guarantee whatsoever.
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Your parents are responsible for their own retirement. They are responsible to arrange care for themselves (until not able to) then their legal spouse, POA or Guardian steps in. Hospital social workers often help with placement if things get to hospital-rehab-can't go home stage.

StepDad may have been a bit naive of Mom's dementia level. He may be overwhelmed. In which case, he seeks support & guidence (which he is doing via the cousin social worker).

None of the above has any relevance to your life.

If StepDad has ideas or expectations that you must come save him from his responsibility, I would say that is misguided. If he wants you to swoop in & save your Mom & make everything easy for him, I'd call that wishful thinking. If he thinks you owe this to them, to quote a movie "tell him he's dreaming"

You can feel however you want. I can understand being very angry. Anger is your boundaries speaking up! Telling you that it is not ok. Telling you to stand up for yourself - as you are doing. Keep to a simple message with him & any other family who may try to guilt you. (No need to explain your own obligations, whether Mom raised you or not. That's massively important to you, but others won't listen).

StepDad is Mom's spouse & it's up to him to arrange her care now.

I might add, it's ok to feel sad too. If there is a tiny piece of yourself that wants to grieve for the Mom you didn't get + your current Mom as she declines, do so. But you don't need to attempt to save her or him.

I wish you well.
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MichelleLeeR Jan 2022
Thank you, Beatty. I feel little bit like my stepdad and my cousin (albeit she is SUPER resourceful, and she got an unfair shake in that she took care of her mom and grandmother (which happens to be my mom's mom too) before she put them both in homes - so her life was impacted...so I do feel empathy for her...and do try to cut her some slack )) guilt me to swoop in. I tell her she can get some of the info and talking points and then hand over to stepdad to do the brunt of the work (with her guidance should he need it). I do feel sad for my mom's situation - it must feel very painful and frustrating, etc and I would not wish it on anyone.
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Michelle, just as a reality check, I had a mostly good childhood and saw NO need to shipwreck my life when my mom needed care.

I helped arrange AL/IL/NH care with my brothers, but we all had mortgages and families.
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MichelleLeeR Jan 2022
Thank you, BarbBrooklyn, and others for your responses. And I am certainly not trying to come across as insensitive and uncaring, I have boundaries and limitations; I can provide support some, I am just not open to being an open-ended resource and I don't like to be made to feel I should be that. In any case, my cousin found a rehab facility (which is covered by Medicaid as I understand as long as my mom show's progress - she will be there for 90 days) while she can't do a lot of things anymore, she can still feed herself. Thanks for you for your support.
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We all have a right to our feelings, whatever they may be. Carrying around resentment, however, only winds up hurting YOU. Your mother was entitled to retire early & "then stay at home in the chair watching soap operas" and both of them have also been entitled to not exercise or have the best diets, same as the majority of people. Dementia is a HORRIBLE affliction to have and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy; my mother has advanced dementia herself and it breaks my heart to see what she goes thru and what she's deteriorated into. She lives in Memory Care AL and I manage her life for her, even though she hasn't been the best mother in the world. I think she did the best she could given her capabilities, or lack of capabilities, I should say. I have some resentments of my own which I'm working on, so I understand where you're coming from.

Don't let anyone 'guilt' you into doing anything you don't genuinely WANT to do. Do what comes from your heart and nothing more.

Best of luck
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Your cousin and stepdad can only make you feel guilty if you allow them to. So STOP!!! You've done nothing wrong. Your mom is NOT your responsibility, nor will your dad be should the time come.
Your mom now requires more care than her husband or you can supply, so let him find the appropriate facility to place her in(while applying for Medicaid if necessary)and get on with your life.
Your husband(and any minor children)and yourself are your only priorities right now, so let the chips fall where they may, and when mom gets settled in her new care facility, you can visit her as much or as little as you'd like.
And as far as you having the right to be angry, well of course you can be angry at the notion that is being implied from family members that your mom is your responsibility. But perhaps you may have to direct some of that anger at yourself for falling for their nonsense as well.
Stay strong and do what's best for you and hubby and let your stepdad do what's best for your mom.
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Michelle, just to emphasize, you have NO legal or moral responsibility to provide care for your parents--not your mom who disn't care for you OR your dad who did.

Your responsibility is to yourself, your spouse and your kids. The obligation goes forward, not backwards.

You are kind to visit mom, but if stepdad and cousin ask for more help the answer is "I can't possibly do that. I have to work to pay my bills".

The discharge planner at the hospital should be giving you all a list of NH's that will accept your mother. You might be able to help by visiting some of them on the weekend.
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What is it that they want you to do more of? I hope not financial support. There is absolutely no reason for you nor your responsibility to be financially supportive. Mom can go on Medicaid and go to a nursing home. Your step dad and cousin need to fight the hospital on a home release if they feel they can't safely care for her anymore. She needs to go straight to a nursing home.
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You have a right to feel whatever you feel.
This is about a lot of baggage, not just your stepdad being "blind" to Mom's condition, but sure, feel what you feel.
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