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I take care of my mom, who lives with me. It seems like she is always finding things to get angry about or things to cry about or be depressed or worry about. In her defense, she has a lot of health issues and chronic pain. She's home alone a lot when I'm at work, and I do notice times when she's trying to be positive.


I'm just tired of all of it and I'd like to vent. I'm sick of her attitude, I'm sick of her constantly finding problems all the time with people or things that she expects me to fix or solve, I'm sick of talking to people on her behalf, I'm sick of trying to play devil's advocate all the time because she thinks everyone is out to screw her over, I'm sick of her feeling like she can say anything to me, no matter how rude, but is extremely defensive and reactive if I point out any of her flaws. I'm tired of her finding all the things wrong with her life instead of things that are right. I'm sick of her crying and feeling sorry for herself. I just want to leave sometimes.

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Yes!
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Yes they do!!
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I was going to text something for an answer... elaine and NHWM answered

SIMPLY ---- YES, and they do.
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Yep!
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Yes some folks do, but not everyone. I think it depends what else is going on in their life. I think the important question here is do you think it's time for mom to go to a facility, where she will be around other people her age and have 24/7 care? You said yourself that you are tired of all of it, so maybe the best thing at this point is to look for a nice facility for mom, so you don't have to be around her negativity all the time, and she can socialize with people her own age. It's just a thought. Life is too short to be miserable in your own home. Best wishes.
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I am living with both my parents. I’m not sure if it’s worse or amplified because I live in the house. I feel like I am being sucked down the vortex of negativity. Al I do is complain to my poor sister about my parents complaining!! I have decided they do NOT need 24/7 care as I was led to believe. I hope to find a small apartment nearby and help as I can. I’m hoping this + therapy will work. I’ve done caregiving for my husband...I am a cancer survivor....but THIS is pushing me over the edge.

I guess there is solace to know we are not alone.
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This makes me think of the book Can't We Talk About Something More Pleasant? 😂
Often as we age we lose all the positive connections in life - friends, independence, physical health, meaningful activities, etc etc etc so it becomes harder to make any kind of conversation that isn't focused inwardly and in a negative way. But just because she is wallowing in in doesn't mean you have to wallow too, come right out and say that you'd rather talk about something more positive, if she can't/won't then get up and leave the room.
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StrugglingSue Oct 2020
This is exactly the road I’ve chosen to take, although sometimes it gets to me too. Aaargh!!
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Well, let's see -- their family and friends are dying all around them, they can't do the things they want anymore, they have aches and pains that never go away, and they have no real future to look forward to. Oh, and they know they'll likely be dying soon, which is terrifying to many people.

Why in the world aren't they more cheery?
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LoopyLoo Oct 2020
Valid points. But to me, it seems knowing you don't have as many years left would make someone want to be MORE positive. That if you know your time on Earth is getting shorter, you'd realize past squabbles don't mean much. You'd want to enjoy the company of others, no longer waste time on complaining and past squabbles. Savoring the time you have.
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Yes, but was she like this before its just more so now.

Have you tried Adult care. No, its not cheap. But maybe Mom can get Medicaid to pay partial or all of the cost.

Does Mom have any money? Maybe a nice AL? Here in NJ you pay at least two years and then Medicaid can be applied for. If facility excepts Medicaid and has not hit their quota, Mom could stay using Medicaid for her care.

Blunt time. You don't need to pick out her flaws but you do need respect. Tell her after a hard day at work that you really don't want to hear her negativity. You would like to come home and enjoy a nice dinner and relax. Explain that you are now an adult not her little child. And as that adult who is allowing her to live in your house and supporting her, you deserve respect. You will no longer listen to her negativity. You will no longer do for her the things she can do for herself. You will no longer agree with her just to make her happy. You are not on this earth to make her happy. She needs to find that for herself. You know thats hard with all her health problems but her negativity is bringing you down and its not good for her. So the complaining has to stop. If she wants any kind of relationship with you everything has to stop. If not, you will be two people just sharing a space. Or, other living arrangements will have to be made. You have to work but you don't have to continuing to allow her to live with you.

Your obligation to Mom is to make sure she is cared for. Doesn't mean she has to live with you. Doesn't mean u foot the bill. At this point, she needs you more than you need her. I am not beyond a little threat to bring some people around. Yes, her life is not what she thought it would be. Thats not your fault and unless her illnesses were not brought on by neglect on her part, not her fault either. But she will not be happy unless she changes. And your reaction when she gets started is to tell her you will no longer listen, and walk out of the room. She can't complain if there is no one to complain to.
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EmotionallyNumb Oct 2020
She went to adult daycare for two days before deciding not to go anymore. I plan to just leave the room from now on when she starts up. She was always kind of paranoid about other people but now it's like everyone she comes into contact with. Her doctor, the pharmacist, the pharmacist helper, the neighbors...
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You mention "do they get worse" which means this was always kind of who she is and now it is worse. Yes, that would be normal. There is nothing to me as bad as chronic pain. It is constantly there niggling at you, digging at you and it does absolutely nothing for your mood. Moreover, for the elderly it is a long slow slide of loss after loss after loss, and add to that the guilt of being unlovable because of "attitude". It is truly an impossible place to be.
I would make an appointment and discuss anti-depressants with her and the doctor. They not only make many that are not so heavy-duty in this day and age, but they help with chronic pain.
What interests does your Mom have? Puzzles, books on tape. knitting, painting, coloring books? Anything you can think of to redirect her mind off the path it is habitually forming. You are describing hopelessness and grief as well as depression.
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EmotionallyNumb Oct 2020
She is interested in God and listens to religious channel for most of the day. She is worried about everyone's soul and wants them to come to heaven. When she is around my siblings or the grandkids this is the only thing she will talk about to the point where she has started to drive them away.
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My mother is so angry, bitter and depressed over the "horrible" life she has had. She has never faced financial insecurity, has had two husbands who loved her and treated her exceptionally well, never had to work, has owned her own lovely home since the day she married my father, has no debt, a healthy retirement income, savings, and two children who just want her to be happy and healthy. Yes, she's lonely and a widow, but her life is far from the living h*ll she thinks it is.
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Hellebore7 Oct 2020
I just don't understand why our parents/elder relatives don't take up a hobby, find something productive to do other than pity party all day long. Maybe I'll find out once I'm old but it just seems so pointless - you're lonely so you complain nonstop and drive others away. Not such a great idea.
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That would make me insane too. Living with someone like that is hard! If she keeps on with it, you can always tell her: "Mom, you really don't seem happy here. Would you like to look at an assisted living place?". That might get her to change her tune! Or not.

My aunt, age 80, is like this. Been married 55+ years to a nice man and never had to work. Husband made great money and she got to travel, buy whatever expensive things she wanted, big house in an affluent area, tons of jewelry, nice house, nice cars. You'd think she'd be happy with how her life turned out, right?

Nope. To hear her talk, you'd think she was broke and living in a shack. Every health problem is the worst thing to ever happen to anyone on Earth. She's been at death's doorstep for 50+ years. No one is as tired, gets as hungry, and hurts all day like she does. We know not to ask her how she's doing, because she will tell you.

Brings up all kinds of bad things from the past. None of which can be rectified now, since the people she gripes about are dead. If she's not doing that, she's talking about all these people that she is going to get revenge on for whatever reason. There's always someone she wants to sue.

At every family holiday gathering, she hobbles into the house and starts with the "Oh, it was all I could do just to get here" despite living all of 20 minutes drive away, and she wasn't even the one driving!
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Isthisrealyreal Oct 2020
I know it is not funny but your description of your aunt made me chuckle.

Some people are only happy when they are miserable.
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Dear "EmotionallyNumb,"

I do think whenever someone doesn't feel good, has a lot of health issues and is in chronic pain that contributes to a person's overall outlook and they often express those things with anger, resentment and a "feel sorry for themselves" kind of attitude. In some ways I can't and don't blame them.

I did notice you said she thinks everyone is out to screw her over and to me that signals maybe some mental health issues that may include some paranoia. I think one of the main things to look at is someone's personality/temperament in general. In other words what was your mom like before all these issues as well as when she was younger. If she was the same but to a lesser degree, than I would say aging and health issues have magnified how she already was. As "Isthisrealyreal" said there are just some people who are only happy when they are miserable and I've heard that many times in my life. I also know there are so many people who suffer insurmountable problems whether they are health-related or not and they have phenomenal attitudes and you're left scratching your head wondering how they can be that way. I can probably sum that one up in one word "gratitude" (take out the letters "g" and "r" and add an extra "t" and you will have attitude).

Some people will work at changing their attitude while others will always remain stuck because it's what they know and sometimes oddly enough they may feel comfortable with that especially if it may get them attention or someone to feel sorry for them. You mentioned you've noticed she tries to be positive but it could be like trying to teach an old dog new tricks - it may not stick.

I do understand how sick and tired it's making you. It's extremely difficult living with someone like that and especially if you yourself are more of a positive, optimistic type. It's very hard to not allow yourself to be dragged down by that type of behavior. Sadly, that can be a goal of theirs. Miserable people don't like happy people - the reverse of what you're feeling. It's a good thing you have a job to go to as that may be your only saving grace!
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lealonnie1 Oct 2020
Like my DH says, 'some people love misery SO much, they meet it half way!'
True huh? :)
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My mother is on enough anti-depressants to make a horse giddy with glee, and she STILL complains and carries on non-stop ALL the time. I often say, there's no pill on earth gonna cure SOME people's attitudes, that's for sure. If I dare say to my mother, in the middle of her tirade of complaining, tell me something GOOD that happened today, she'll say, NOTHING, what good thing could POSSIBLY have happened today? And she means it! Well, let's see: you woke up, that's the first good thing that happened, right? She'd argue that, too, so there's no point in even going there.

Anyway, I hear you. I'm lucky b/c my mother lives in a Memory Care ALF b/c there is NO WAY on EARTH I'd have her and her baggage come live with me. Period. Growing up in her home was more than enough. Way more.

You might want to start looking around at Independent Living places for seniors and get your mother set up in an apartment over there. Then she can join all the others who love to complain non-stop 24/7 about their horrible lots in life. Misery loves company; your mother doesn't have enough company so you're her only scratching post.

Good luck!
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Frances73 Oct 2020
LOL I once interrupted one of my mother’s moaning sessions about my deceased father by asking her "Did he EVER do any thing to make you happy?" She stopped and thought for a few minutes and said "well, he asked me to marry him!"
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Same boat. I live in the same county as my mom and one of her sisters, and both of them are often so busy playing pity party it's all I can take. In a way I do feel for them - with COVID they can't go anywhere and not many people can come visit, but I get really tired of listening to them go on and on with health problems and trivia (something on TV, what the neighbor lady said on Facebook) with nobody asking what's going on with me - spouse lost his job recently and COVID isn't a cakewalk for us either.

Mom has managed money very poorly and has waited until age 82 and poor health to decide she's probably not going to be able to stay in her house - sure would have been nice if this has anticipated a few years ago although I realize that isn't always possible. The expectation seems to be that I'm going to play a major role in decluttering her semi-hoarded home and help her move to a smaller place closer to me, then be available at her beck and call.... we'll have to see about that.

(Truth is I'm actually really mad about it. Mom got an advanced degree which she only used to work for 10 years, then she retired at 55 and has done volunteer work for the past 20+ years, with apparently no thought at all about saving for retirement. I have a BPD brother for whom she paid bills for a decade after he became an adult - maybe she should call HIM for help?)

The aunt who never seems to think about anyone but herself, very nearly, smoked cigarettes without a care in the world for 40 years. I do care that she now has COPD, asthma and a host of other problems but it's hard to have the world's deepest well of patience when at least some of it could have been prevented. I don't feel like I can say much when there's nothing she can do about it now but privately I'm thinking that often.

It helps to know we're all dealing with this. Hope I'm not this black hole of self absorption when I'm an octagenarian tho I do see how it happens with bad health, limited means of income and nothing much else to think about.
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KFinn59 Oct 2020
Oh my gosh, my feelings mirror yours in so, so many ways. I also wonder if I am going to turn into the same miserable, hoarding pain in the neck that my mom often is.
I have had to move home since my 91 yr old dad passed last year & I also lost my job due to COVID.
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Some people just can’t be pleased. It’s a waste of time to try.
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100% YES. Your last paragraph sums up much of my life since I have moved back home to help my mom out after my dad’s death a year ago. Honey you are preaching to the choir!
I just posted an issue regarding my relationship with my mom which at times gets very intense and difficult. My mom complains regularly about EVERYTHING. She judges unfairly based on nonsense and insists the world is out to get her, etc. Mom rarely - if EVER - takes accountability for anything so I try not to be disrespectful, but at times listening to her relentless complaining & bias judgements is more than I can take.
I believe we need to put ourselves first, which is easier said than done, and distance ourselves from a difficult parent/relative as needed. I wish you luck and will pray for both of us so we can enjoy what time we have left on this beautiful planet. Please take care & stay well!
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Yup. Seems that way....that has been my experience, although I hope that I will always be like my father, versus my mother.
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Andrea2428 Oct 2020
Me, too! Me, too! Praying to be like my dad.
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Yes! You are preaching to the choir. The nastiness and negativity is overwhelming. I just thought it was my mom since she has sort of been like that her whole life. Now it’s gotten worse. I’m doing the best I can to hang on but it’s not easy. I don’t live with her but the way she treats her caregivers ( the ones she decides to not like) is appalling. I wish us all luck. Try to stay positive.
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Yes, Could be Dementia too. Really Ornery especially after Losing their Spouses....
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I have found that answer to be YES. It is a daunting situation to be in. It seems that with people who are entering Dementia or Alzheimer's disease they are even moreso. Staying positive is one of the things that I have found to be the most challenging. The one thing that you must remember is that their emotional state may not be part of a disease, but a part of being afraid. Remember, their life that they knew and remembers is gradually or quickly slipping before them, they may have regrets of what they should of or wished they had done, their pain levels are now different than they were before, they had abilities that are not as easily executed. While this does not seem like a big problem to those of us with our active lives, we have to remember, their own immortality is now being recognised. If you remember this it will help you to deal with the added stresses and also remember they usually don't remember their words or actions. It is a part of the moment, and don't take it personally.
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Yes! Just what do these unwell, older, lonely people have to be unhappy about!
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Jillinjo Oct 2020
My mom had a huge family and lots of friends, she’s lost so many of them, it could be a way they cope.
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My mom did all the same, and yes it gets worse if you don’t help her make a change! Adding another voice suggesting you find a group living environment for her and apply some pressure, maybe even a bit of a con, to make it happen.
Anxiety meds have helped; neither of us are ‘drug people’ but to me this is the time you do start using them. Would it help if she adopted new hobbies, made a new friend, exercised? Yes. But will she do any of those things? In my case, no. So she wouldn’t help herself so I intervened.
Wishing you the best. 💐
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EmotionallyNumb Oct 2020
She wants me involved in everything she does. I told her a while ago that I wanted her to have an activity that was completely independent of my involvement and she got very offended.
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Hi there, my mom recently had heart surgery and now I’m at her house carrying for her, their dog and her partner. I live 20 minutes away with my 6 animals and spouse. This has been very difficult because I’ve to leave them to take care of my “I call, second family”. After the surgery, mom lost the ability to walk and is now going through PT at home which is a joke. She’s on all kinds a medicines and daily infusion. She’s condescending, snarky, rude to her partner and me. I had a coming to terms with her a few days ago, and that seemed to help for a few days. She’s always been a princess and not very active, I realize this is extremely hard for the entire family. Mom did say she’s afraid. She’s doesn’t want to go to a nursing home. I’ve proposed the idea of independent living or ALF, unfortunately their not onboard. My mom is 81 and her partner is 87. Their house is huge, 2800sqft. Looks like a museum and she doesn’t want to leave her “stuff”. Sad part is, I’ve temporarily left my job 2 months now, and I have to do everything, clean,cook,shop,laundry and administer medication with her horrible demeanor. In all sincerity, she’s my mom and you only get one. Moving forward, we have our good days and not so great, all I can say on my experiences, she afraid, afraid of the own known, death. She probably has some anxiety, depression and worries too about you. Also she’s by herself, not so much my case. You might check to see if the Community Health Centers have daycare centers for the elder or some type of activity she could engage while your gone during the day. Best of luck and hang in there, we only have 1 Mom.
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I just went through all of this, mom just passed a few weeks ago. I miss her terribly. It hurts so much. It’s not her, it happens to many that are aging.
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HI emotionally numb. You didn't state whether or not your LO has dementia or not. Some of the things you speak on sounds very familiar. My mother has dementia and her behavior is definitely not what it was. She doesn't want to be told about any of her faults but can tell you all about yours. She's sometimes very mean and insensitive to others feelings and she knows everything. I once attended a caregivers conference and was shocked at how they spoke on everything I was feeling. It was broken down to their brains are turning to mush and they can't have the same behavior as previously even when they want to. The anger and crying was explained as depression that they are losing control over their own lives. It's hard to not take it personal when you are on the receiving end of it. Seek out as much information as possible to help you in this process. Caretaking is a very hard job and know that you are not alone.
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EmotionallyNumb Oct 2020
For a while we thought she might have dementia but the doctor doesn't think so.
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Like so many others have said, “preaching to the choir”
Fortunately my mother is only like this part of the time, just when some small situation arises that she doesn’t know how to deal with, sometimes for seemingly no reason at all.

I do what I can, and if that doesn’t help I just tune her out.

My mother doesn’t have the chronic pain though, thank God! Do you think this might be the main issue driving your mom’s constant misery?

Lets all of us here make a pact to NOT be like that as we enter that stage of life. Stay self-aware!
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I can understand this.
You are getting older
You hurt sometimes a lot sometimes it is a little and it might be all the time.
Your hands don't work as well
Your knees don't work
Your friends are dead or dying or you have lost contact with them
And you realize that you are dying. Maybe not this week or this month but you are a lot closer to the end than you were yesterday, or the day before that. And it makes you sad. It also makes you reflect on all the things that you should have, could have, would have done had you had the time, the money or just taken a week off work rather than trying to buy the next "new" thing.
Then you are not in your own house. You are no longer "in charge" so you try to do things that make you in charge of something.

Can you help mom get involved with Volunteer work?
Is there an Adult Day Care that is currently open?
Is there a project that she can work on?
A recipe book of family favorites. She can write them down and it can be copied and given as a gift to family members.
Do you have old photos with people you don't know? Can she identify people and locations on the back of them.
Are there boxes in the basement or attic that she can go though and divide into Toss, Donate, Sell and Save piles?
And stop trying to "fix" things for her tell her that she needs to talk to people herself. If she is having problems with purchases, contracts because of memory problems that opens up a Whole 'Nuther can of worms and at that point if you do not have POA it might be time to talk to an Elder Care Attorney and get all the paperwork in order.
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The situation of living with any relative is challenging. Chronic pain can be a cause of severe depression, especially when medication reaches its limit. Your mother is fighting back at life with the only weapon she has, her voice. Her behaviors you are describing are not normal. Does she have any friendships with adults her age, hobbies or other interests that could entertain her during the day? Her negativity is an expression of frustration, and fear of aging with its physical decline, fear of the present, fear of dying, loneliness, and anything else she can't control. Your frustration is understandable. You may want to speak with her physician regarding an appropriate antidepressant. Then, investigate your area for an available seniors center where she can socialize with her peer group. You must take time during the week for yourself without your mother to exchange with yours. If the situation is not improved, you may need to consider discussing a retirement facility with your mother, (not nursing home), or both of you will remain miserable.
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EmotionallyNumb Oct 2020
She doesn't have anyone. She did go to adult daycare but didn't like and quit. I honestly don't see her agreeing to go to the senior center. I tried getting her agree to something that like a couple years ago and she refused.
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I cannot believe some of the responses here!
Doesn't anyone have any compassion any more?
Of course EmotionallyNumb feels exasperated - who wouldn't?
But try to think of how her mother feels and put yourself in her shoes for a moment if you can.
How would YOU cope with being in pain 24/7? It takes over your life. When the meds stop working so well, there's nothing else there but pain.
You try to think about other things, and sometimes you can for a while, but then there it is again: Pain.
It is all-absorbing sometimes, taking a normally upbeat person and pulling them down into a living h*ll.
The worst part is knowing that it will never get better! Arthritis, etc. only get worse over time - there is no cure, no relief.
The next time you are ready to kick someone to the curb over the fact that they are voicing their discomfort, take a step back and realize that it won't be too much longer before you, yourself, may be in the very same situation.
How will you cope?
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